She took the first trick, so he slit her bloody throat from ear to ear.
I am shocked to find that The Listing Attic contains no overtly dirty limericks, though it does have some detailing the consequences of being loose with one's favors, e.g.:
The last time I tried to write a sonnet in earnest, I sent an anonymous love sonnet to a woman I had a crush on in college. Quite the effective wooing tool!
It still didn't work, so I removed the link to sonnet 145 (which must have been what triggered the blacklist - Shakespeare was one hell of a spammer, I guess).
And now I see that Chopper has been able to post that url; I guess I only tried the [dot]info one after you made your changes. I should have tried the other one again.
There once was a man from Aberystwyth
Who found a young girl to play whist with.
She took the first trick, so he slit her bloody throat from ear to ear.
I am shocked to find that The Listing Attic contains no overtly dirty limericks, though it does have some detailing the consequences of being loose with one's favors, e.g.:
An incautious young woman named Venn
Was seen with the wrong sort of men;
She vanished one day,
But the following May
Her legs were retrieved from a fen.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 6:50 PM
Let's keep the child murder limericks to a minimum, eh? (Not blaming you, Ben, just saying.)
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 6:53 PM
I wish I could remember where I learned the whist one.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 7:00 PM
Said the queen to the king, "I don't frown on,
It if you should choose to go down on,
My page on the stairs,
But you'll give the boy airs,
If you will do the job with your crown on."
W.H. Auden
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 7:09 PM
There was a young fellow of King's
Who cared not for whores and such things
For his secret desire
Was a boy in the choir
With a bum like a jelly on springs.
Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 7:16 PM
There was a young girl from Berlin,
Whose mother, to keep her from sin,
Had filled in her crack
With quick-setting shellac --
But the boys picked it out with a pin.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 7:21 PM
Let's keep the child murder limericks to a minimum, eh?
Ummm. Because the kiddy porn ones are so much better?
Posted by profgrrrrl | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 7:24 PM
Why would he be licking his chops while talking to the cops?
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 7:30 PM
I'm banned, aren't I?
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 7:30 PM
Hickory dickory dock
Unfogged is all about shock
Though ogged seems a prude
He's really quite lewd
As you'll see when he whips out his cock
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 7:31 PM
9, funny. To get rid of the evidence, of course.
PG, well, yes.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 7:33 PM
Is it kiddy pornper se if it's not done well and doesn't titillate?
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 7:33 PM
There once was a man, Gayatollah
To the ladies, he'd say "Eh! Ola!"
"...Cry, Masturbate, Cry"
He'd say with a sigh
As they gave him cold sholda!
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 7:36 PM
the cold sholda
Fuck to oboe.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 7:37 PM
Shit. Still missing a syllable. Help?
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 7:38 PM
The Gayatolla/superkoranic line has a lot of lewd and rhyme potential.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 7:38 PM
Uh, chopper, 10 is tight, 13 is beyond help.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 7:39 PM
Is mine kiddie porn?
Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 7:41 PM
The best kind, ac.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 7:48 PM
He moved down to North Carolina
In search of an ersatz vagina
The biscuit its crux
Lies in tranny fucks
And not in the back of a miner.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 7:53 PM
Gayatollah will finish you all
Sucking your cock and each ball
It's a superkoranic
Fellatio panic
Down in the men's bathroom stall.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 7:55 PM
Gayatollah Abu Labs
Gave the Pope's nephew crabs
"Fret not, young novice
One orifice
Is all that my faith demands."
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 8:05 PM
I'm not sure that works, conceptually.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 8:05 PM
There's a missing transition in there. I'm not really understanding the story you're telling.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 8:07 PM
Ogged is banned!
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 8:07 PM
Let's workshop!
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 8:07 PM
Not to mention rhythmically. "NOvice" doesn't rhyme with "ORifice".
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 8:08 PM
Anyway, 21 is clearly the best Gayatollah limerick ever.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 8:09 PM
Ben Wolfson sat in his chair
Dipping his dong in some Nair
He said with some glee
While acting quite twee
It makes the blood easier to get off!
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 8:10 PM
Of the three thus far extant, I'd say that's true.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 8:10 PM
I would concur.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 8:11 PM
Unfogged's in-house grammarian
Was a prodigious pedant named Ben.
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
This isn't a proper limerick at all.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 8:20 PM
Speaking of less than proper limericks--or dirty poems that aren't actually limericks at all--I like these lines by Tony Harrison:
Mon égal!
Let me be the Gambia
in your Senegal.
*****
It makes sense if you look at a map.
Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 8:32 PM
When the Gayatollah finished with Ben
Neither keyboard nor pencil nor pen
Could wipe the rude stain
Nor ease the full pain
Of crossing a philosopher six ten.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 8:35 PM
Well, if you relax the limerick requirement, I like Edward Gorey's:
The Proctor gives the pupil ices
And hopes the boy will not resist
When he attempts to practice vices
Few people know exist.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 8:36 PM
I have swung at
the fruit
that was in
the comment box
and which
you were probably
saving
for cock jokes
Forgive me
but it just hung there
so sweet
and so low
Posted by eb | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 8:37 PM
Awesome!
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 8:38 PM
Hear, hear!
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 8:40 PM
There once was a guy, hight Chopper
Whose brain had dropped in the hopper
To his friends he would bait
from non-celibate state
If wife is awake I shall top her!
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 8:41 PM
Thanks, I aim to please.
Posted by eb | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 8:57 PM
aiya.
Posted by Steve | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 9:36 PM
there once was a pink-haired profgrrrrl
who said "eh, let's give it a whirl"
she went out with ogged
and they panty-blogged
but nothing to make ones toes curl
Posted by profgrrrrl | Link to this comment | 05-11-05 11:45 PM
At the Mineshaft there once were two neighbors,
Who had no good luck with love's labor,
To Ogged said F. Labs:
"Fuck this, I'm Slabs"
And published online taboo papers.
Posted by Kriston | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 5:25 AM
I find that nothing makes a better substitute for the mead of poetry than the CTA.
1.
A tutor who "tooted" the "flute"
Tried to teach two young "tooters" to "toot"
Said the two to the tutor,
Is it harder to "toot", or
To tutor two "tooters" to "toot"?
2.
A man (a bit of a lout)
Put it in, and then shook it about
He's now doing the hokey
Down there in the pokey
It seems the girl's age was in doubt.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 7:15 AM
From Tobacco Road hails the Apos
Land of Dooky sorority hos
But his wanderlust said:
get some Japanese cred
where the boys and the girls play Kancho!
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 7:38 AM
In the spirit of 44(1), above:
There was an old man of Ashokan,
Who loved to chew wood, mostly oaken;
Very often he'd quip
With a smile on his lip,
"Ah sho' can gnash oak in Ashokan."
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 8:40 AM
I'm still trying to think of a non-groan-inducing way to end a limerick with "at the mineshaft."
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 8:43 AM
Ogged, a man thought quite daft
said "I grip my pole by the shaft.
Else when I go pee
It sprays on my knee
And not on boys at the Mineshaft."
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 8:47 AM
Ending a limerick with "mineshaft" would be tricky because the first and second lines would have to have the "-ine -aft" pattern.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 8:50 AM
"I'm surely a master of mine craft!
Come, let me go wild on thine haft!"
That kind of chatter
Concerning man-batter
Is typical down at the Mineshaft.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 8:52 AM
And the American productivity miracle continues apace.
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 9:00 AM
The Mineshaft's light is nothing like the sun
Leather is far blacker on which you've bled
If masks be tight, then lace won't be undone
If flails be wires, then wires must hit your head
I have seen people happy, brown and white
But no such people see I, between cheeks
And in some perfumes I would delight
Than in the smell that from the Mineshaft reeks
I love to hear you squeak, yet will I know
That thine screams hath a far more pleasing sound
I grant I never saw an ogged go
Editrix, when she walks, treads her playground
And yet, by heaven, I think this place as rare
As any where false gags let one breathe air.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 9:19 AM
Ok, you people are crazy.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 9:22 AM
Maybe this is a good place to link this masterpiece by Anti-Anti-Kamala/FWC4?
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 9:25 AM
Yeah, I think I got onto the "dark" part in "Dark Mistress" and just kind of went with it.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 9:26 AM
52 ends the contest. My Lady's Eyes is my most favorite sonnet. And yet, dear Chops, you have improved upon it.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 9:26 AM
although I might change:
I grant I never saw an ogged go
Edetrix, when she finds him: ogged-bound.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 9:29 AM
I suppose this is shameless self-promotion, but I have a non-racy sonnet here.
Posted by eb | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 9:29 AM
eb, nice!
The last time I tried to write a sonnet in earnest, I sent an anonymous love sonnet to a woman I had a crush on in college. Quite the effective wooing tool!
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 9:35 AM
And you, ogged, don't believe in scansion.
My favorite faux-limericks (non-dirty) are Harry Mathews':
Young Dickie, beginning to eat,
denied stealing the fish eggs, whereat,
caning him for a liar,
his pa ate the caviar
and left Dickie digesting the caveat.
A nice dirty limerick:
There was a young lady from Yap
who had pimples all over her map.
But in her interstices
there lurked a far worse disease
Commonly known as the clap.
Eh, I guess I should try to come up with something original, but it would be incinerated by the shining light of 36 anyway.
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 9:37 AM
But in her interstices
...Grew hella grass.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 9:54 AM
Am I banned? I just tried to post something and it was blacklisted, but I can't tell why.
Posted by eb | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 10:00 AM
Shit, hang on, it's my too-aggressive blacklist...
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 10:02 AM
Try it again, eb.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 10:05 AM
Too aggressive? I'll pull your balls through your nose!
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 10:05 AM
It seems like the most appropriate sonnet for Unfogged would be to take #145 and change it in such a way so that it ends:
'I date' from date away she threw,
And ruined my life, saying 'not you.'
I'd work on the remaining lines, but I've got to get to classes.
Posted by eb | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 10:06 AM
It still didn't work, so I removed the link to sonnet 145 (which must have been what triggered the blacklist - Shakespeare was one hell of a spammer, I guess).
Posted by eb | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 10:08 AM
Ah, all "[dot]info" sites are blocked, which is too aggressive, but which I'm not changing.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 10:10 AM
Here's a source for all your Shakespeare sonnet needs. I'd say 126 has the most Mineshaft-esque first line...
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 10:12 AM
But the first one I tried was at this url:
http://www.shakespeare-online.com/sonnets/145.html
I tried the [dot]info second.
Posted by eb | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 10:13 AM
And now I see that Chopper has been able to post that url; I guess I only tried the [dot]info one after you made your changes. I should have tried the other one again.
Posted by eb | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 10:15 AM
Right, the string "online" was also blocked, which really is too aggressive.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 10:16 AM
Man, ogged. You need to straighten your policies out.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 10:18 AM
I don't want to offend any future co-bloggers.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 10:19 AM
I think that one mostly applies to the current crew.
At the Mineshaft.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 05-12-05 10:59 AM