I once murdered my father and married my mother. Aside from that, just a string of minor felonies, and one particularly disturbing incident where I framed someone and he ended up being part of one of those "extraordinary renditions."
It is indeed shitty art. Shitty art walks a real fine line for me—I hate it when people condemn everything that falls somewhere off the map as shitty art, you know? Shitty art should be called shitty for the right reasons.
Jeebus. I pray that your list represents output scrubbed in acknowledgment that it is at least possible your identity will be compromised. Because unless (a) "blackie" stands in for something else, or (b) your friend immediately became an alcoholic, then neither would land in my Top 10. (And if I really thought about it, (a) probably wouldn't suffice either).
Is this post really just about making the rest of us reexamine our prior beliefs about how relatively decent we are as human beings?
I once tried to steal a doll-size tea set from a daycare center. I totally coveted that tea set, man. It was sooo pretty. And I was going to be leaving the center and never seeing it again, and couldn't bear it. So when I thought no one was looking I stuffed it into my bag. But I was caught. The daycare center lady was a real hard-ass, too. She told me she was going to call the cops. I was about 6, at the time.
No, I really said "blackie" and those are the two things I've done that bother me still. Like I said, my friends probably can think of more awful things that I've done, but I can't. Maybe I should ask them. That could be interesting.
The last two exes would give me a clean slate (I think), but first-ex, the relationship from hell ex likely wouldn't. But I'm no longer in touch with her.
Ok, I'm mass-mailing my friends now. Part of the problem here is Wolfson's distinction between worst and bothers the most; if I'm not bothered, I just don't think it was so bad. Completely narcissistic moral code.
Well, seeing as I'm oh-so-anonymous here, here are (a few of) the sins that haunt me:
When I was maybe 7, I stepped on the end of my little brother's sock as he ran by (he used to let 6 inches or more of his knee-high athletic socks flop off the end of his feet--I have no ide why). He tripped and slammed his face into an endtable, jamming his right incisor back up into his gum.
A couple years later, I was angry at my brother because he'd been ignoring me for a few hours in a battle of wills that I was determined to win by physically abusing him until he had no choice but to acknowledge me. He was sitting in my mother's lap. I walked up to him with a pair of nail clippers, looked him in the eye, and began to slowly squeeze a piece of skin on his arm with the nail clippers, waiting for him to react. I must have squeezed for a good 45 seconds until I lost my nerve to keep squeezing. The entire time, My mom was watching television and my brother just stared me in the eyes defiantly. The mark stayed on his arm for close to a year.
And, last, the summer after college I cheated on my girlfriend of two months with my roommate's girlfriend. I never told her, but we broke up a few weeks later.
Yours don't seem so bad to me, Chopper. Presumably you didn't intend for your brother to hit the table, and basically, anything brothers do to each other as kids is off the moral table. Cheating on your girlfriend isn't great, but if you were breaking up anyway, no biggie; not a very nice thing to do to your roommate, but maybe he deserved it.
In re the brother stuff, I'm inclined to agree, but it's not like those were the only times I was mean to my brother, and he *does* carry a grudge to this day (in general, not about these two instances).
And in re the girlfriend--she didn't deserve it (although I knew I was going to break up with her), the roommate didn't deserve it (although I doubt that I was the only one his girlfriend cheated on him with).
miked--he's a freak, and socially retarded, but he is fucking stubborn in a way that boggles the mind. Frustrating as it was, even at the time I was in awe.
Of course it's easy to see why these events stick in ogged's mind; they speak directly to, and are probably determinant of, the stories ogged tells about himself. They are the goads in his flesh:
I don't know that friends are reliable judges. They may have been very hurt by things that aren't objectively that bad. One friend of mine is apparently still mad at me about a favor I once refused to do for him, in college. I try to point out that the thing about a "favor" is that it is a request, not an obligation. We have argued back and forth about this for over a decade.
Most relationship transgressions strike me as similar--based on expectations and different perceptions of boundaries, rather than all around bad things.
I don't know if that's right, Ben. I mean, I'm on record here as pretty intolerant, with the "won't date" post, and my approval of cruel executions makes the second claim suspect. Which isn't to say that the basic schema is wrong: the things that bother me and that I consider bad do undermine beliefs about myself, or at least scare me about myself. So 1. would be "I'm a hurtful racist" and 2. "I enjoy torturing the weak."
They could be -- big eyes, teeny little pointy fangs...
This is an awfully odd premise for a post. Kind of by definition, the things that I think of as the worst things I've ever done are things that I'm bitterly ashamed of. They really aren't the kinds of things I'm going to be chattering about on the internet, and I'd expect most people to feel the same way. I'd think anyone who answers this question at all has an awfully clear conscience by my standards.
Ok, so it was unintentional: we collided while diving for the ball. The odd thing was that initially I seemed more injured than he did, and I remember limping for a short time afterwards.
That was at the end of the summer and we went to different colleges. We e-mailed irregularly and I only realized what had happened when he casually mentioned sometime late in the term that things had gotten better once the cast was finally off his foot. I had no idea he had been in a cast at all.
jeez, now you've got me thinking of something crappy I did to a friend 6 years ago, and I'm thinking of writing him an email and apologizing for it. We're still in touch, but it couldn't help but be an odd email.
I don't know that I learned my lesson from the tea set incident. I have a friend in curatorial at the Met, and she was showing me some pieces of Sèvres, and I was overcome with a desire for them. The thought crossed my mind that if I embarked on a life of crime, that would be where I would start.
Well, it looks like apostropher, joe o, and I are setting up shop in the wing of heaven for the minor miscreants, while the rest of you lot hang out with ... I dunno, I can't think of any other group of people who wouldn't trip over ogged's low bar. I feel assured that FL and alemeida will be with us.
ac, your story reminds me of one I sort of heard from someone staying in a hostel I was staying in in Budapest years ago. I say "sort of heard" because I was unable to get the details.
IIRC, the guy had mentioned that he'd had some experience with the legal system in Italy. It turned out that he had been defending a friend, not that he'd done anything bad himself. When I asked about it, he first said he shouldn't say anything because the case was still going, but then he said, "Have you ever been accused of desecrating a national treasure?"
He didn't say anything more, but I took that as implying that his friend had done something to artwork in a museum.
Oh, also: a friend and I were reprimanded at the Vatican museum for taking a picture in which my friend was lying down in an open coffin or something like that. (I don't remember precisely what kind of funerary object it was, but it wasn't a major piece, I swear; besides, it lacked ornamentation).
wow, are you guys ever squeaky-clean. jesus christ himself probably glued down a couple caterpillars, or accidentally tripped a guy on the basketball court.
the bad things i've done are in a different realm altogether, like participating in the ostracization of some innocent kid in elementary school because i was glad that for once i was not the one being ostracized, or worse yet, stringing along an "ex" boyfriend for close to a year, because i didn't really want to be with him, but on second thought, decided i didn't really want to be alone either. oh god, or more terrible still, when i was in school there was a kid with a serious disfiguring injury, which creeped me out so i avoided looking at him for the entire year. i would always make sure that i was never in the same room with him so i wouldn't seem "rude" when i didn't talk to him or look at him.
it's true that simple crimes -- like killing caterpillars -- make for better stories, and better visuals, than complicated social villainy. still, the social crimes are worse, i think.
but i'll admit that i've killed several insects in my day.
Of social crimes - I really think, as I was saying above, that a lot of these things are subjective. Like stringing the ex along - people often know when they're being strung along, or toyed with, and they pursue the other anyway. Or there is a certain expectation that romantic life is treacherous. That sort of thing seems a different category than treatment of the disfigured, &c. More complicity, I suppose.
(Though it might just be convenient for me to think this way, at the moment.)
But it's the social crimes -- specifically, stringing people along -- that make me feel the most guilty. Those are the ones in which we are causing the biggest hurts, no? Not to minimize lying in vatican coffins.
I think ac's comment suggests a better way to view ogged's post. Rather than thinking he must be some kind of saint, perhaps it shows, instead, that he's a monster for not knowing that dining on the still-beating heart of a puppy is just wrong, no matter how tasty.
This post is rapidly becoming the worst thing I've done this year. I really thought my two were pretty bad; it wasn't supposed to be an exercise in self-aggrandizement. But hey, it turns out y'all are moral monsters!
Heard back from the Ex. She couldn't think of anything. God, I'm such a saint.
It's not the big things you do, ogged, it's the many small things that you spread around among all the people you encounter throughout your life. Your monstrousness was bought by the penny.
I'm having trouble with 2. You're worried about a caterpiller dying a disturbing death. Ok, you're sensitive to cruelty to weak animals. Is this a consistent belief? I'm thinking here of monetarily endorsing factory farming. Does this bother you, as well? If not, why not? I'm not referring to killing simpliciter, but to the conditions of the animals' lives and deaths. It just seems that if you've been bothered by a caterpillar for 20 years, then you wouldn't touch bacon and the like without knowing its source. Is there a significant difference b/w the cruelty of being held down by glue, and being held in a tight pen without sunlight for life? Do you consider your removal from the act of cruelty to be significant in the case of food? Or is the cruelty justified in the case of food?
Actually, I like that. It bugs me that the animal's life is taken for granted. Whenever I'm asked to say grace (rare, but has occured), I'm an atheist so I can't pray, so I thank the animal for its sacrifice.
I've joked with a friend that butchers could put up pictures of the animal displayed cut-up in the refrigerators (the actual one, not a generic). I wouldn't actually encourage anyone to do that, but, at the same time, I don't think it's a bad idea.
I tend to be both victim and perpetrator. Which makes me feel worse about being the perp, since I know the kinds of harm I have inflicted. But I've never done anything like sleeping with my best friend's wife (or anyone's wife, to my knowlege). More pedestrian offenses, like cheating, or coming really close to cheating.
I've joked with a friend that butchers could put up pictures of the animal displayed cut-up in the refrigerators (the actual one, not a generic).
Real butchers go one better, with the small animals, and have them in recognizeable form. I have only seen such butchers in Europe (actually only in Greece). Whole rabbits with fur still on their feet and heads; whole lambs on display around Easter. Whole chickens, though plucked (there are a few places I know of around here that sell live chickens; I've never patronized one because I'm unsure if they kill and clean them for you when you buy one).
Well, actually that's not true anymore, that I'm always the victim. I used to be, every single damn time. But that ended a while ago. And now, no doubt, I'm cold and cruel--and, worse, feel justified in it, having been a victim.
funny, I feel having been a victim ought to make me more conscious of what I am doing, and therefore, less cruel. It doesn't though, just makes me wring my hands over it. But crimes committed knowingly are worse than those committed thoughtlessly, no?
screw it. I saw real, whole pigs on display in Paris all the time (rabbits too). Didn't turn me off to eating pork at all, and made me want to try rabbit.
The book is one of my favorite comic novels ever (and you can read it in a day). Pig slaughtering, well, I grew up in eastern North Carolina, so it isn't exactly arcana to me.
126: Chopper had implied that someone needed to scan better, and then wrote something that didn't scan.
I don't think scansion really applies to Smiths songs, because they're not writing that kind of song, y'know? "Your sonnet doesn't scan, it's too long and the rhyme scheme is off!" "I'm writing a ballad."
Well, that's the point, innit? 96 doesn't scan, but 109 makes it a Smiths song so it doesn't have to.
[Incidentally, ac, I'm sorry that your love life seems sub-ideal. Perhaps you need a change of scene, like Lubbock, Texas. I'm afraid that this means that Lubbock will make your love life look good by comparison, that's what I'm afraid of.]
Can we work a "shan't" into this Whitest Sentence Ever? "A propos of nothing, I just heard from Reginald down at the club—he and the missus just got back form Cholmondeley—that there's a kind of music across the pond called the "Blues" because it employs blue notes, you see, and I shan't beat around the bush any longer, but he says it needn't scan."
But Matt, YOU will shortly be in Lubbock! What woman's day wouldn't that brighten, that woman also being in or shortly to be in Lubbock, TX?
You know, my exposure to some little bits of philosophy through bloggers has made me extraordinarily impressed by philosophers (much more than my attempts at reading Philosophers in school did). But, perhaps b/c of the books I tried to read in school and simply couldn't, I often wonder why most serious philosophers don't go batshit crazy. Which in turn makes me wonder about the spouses of philosophers. Are they super-stable people, or are they sort of wierd? (This is a non-snarky question).
132--keep hammering that irony in, why don't you, Wolfson? I don't even have anything going on here and already you're horning in.
Also, stop reworking the whitest sentence ever. Twitty-British isn't the same thing.
And may I propose--something that I have actually thought, though not in time to say it--"Stop calling Run-DMC old school! Calling Run-DMC old school is like saying that T.S. Eliot did old criticism!"
But I like twit-british, or at least the idea of it.
I don't know what you're talking about re: hammering irony (except that you should hammer while the irony's hot, haw haw). If you don't want to talk yourself up, at least don't overdo the self-deprecation.
"How Soon Is Now" is kind of atypical, musically, I think. "The Queen is Dead", "There Is a Light that Never Goes Out", "Girlfriend in a Coma" (SCMT's fav!) are all good.
Another vote for Weiner's pick. I liked "Cemetery Gates", but that might have been because it was on a really good mix tape -- I'm not sure what I think of it in isolation.
The song that goes "Hang the DJ" is really called "Panic." Those two aren't my fav songs, just the ones that popped into my head. "Girlfriend in a Coma" is somewhat atypical and annoys me (sorry, SCMT). I think my favorites would be "How Soon Is Now" and "The Queen Is Dead" and maybe "Pretty Girls Make Graves" 'n' prolly "Bigmouth." I'm somewhat embarrassed about this whole thing.
Who was it that did the punk cover of "Bigmouth Strikes Again?" Screeching Weasel? Shit, I used to play that all the time on my radio show back in the day.
Are you trying to tell us, Tim, that your comments on this site represent your real state of mind?
Only in the sense that I've come to terms with the fact that never again will I know the touch of a woman. And I'm fine with it. No, really. Fine. With. It.
I like "Cemetery Gates" because it's funny. "Vicar in a Tutu" is also good, from that album. "Reel around the fountain" is probably the favorite, though.
The hanging comment was just a riff off the song title. Really, the Smiths are a nostalgia thing for me -- I hardly listen to music at all now, because I don't like listening to music when I'm working, and I'm mostly working. I can't remember the last CD I bought that wasn't for my kids.
this is a sweet cover- i was introduced to it by a scouser buddy at grad school who used to get up on stage with our in-house band (who are playing the Wonderland in DC on the 11th, those of you keeping score at home), and belt it out.
I've always been fond of the Sabbath covers that the Cardigans always included on their albums.
Hard to fit the Smiths into a schedule packed with high-school-enjoying.
Hey, I managed to take time out from enjoying HS to hit a smiths concert in the 80's. I remember when he sang the Queen is Dead some group from the band came out front and waved a sign that said "No You're Not".
Are they enjoying some kind of revival? I keep hearing them on at my coffee shop. Maybe it's just someone enjoying the perfect mope.
I'll have to check out the treepeople. I discovered Built to Spill backwards from picking up Doug Martsch's cool slide guitar album, Now You Know.
No, she did not. She was just pointing out the irony.
And I really don't deserve sympathy! I usually like people who are a little elusive, so it's built-in that I'm going to be the victim. Therefore, it's my own fault. So my life may be a Smiths' song, but it's not so bad.
I have a similar quirk. If I don't really care about a sports contest I'll root for the underdog, which means more often than not my temporary team loses.
And back to the original gruesome topic - nobody's worst thing involved the death of a human?
The best Britney Spears cover is Richard Thompson's version of "Oops! I Did It Again". (He sometimes plays a few bars in 12th century style, which is called "Marry, Ageyn Hic Hev Donne Yt"—it's from Brittany.)
If 2 is your second-worst moral transgression, you're a shoo-in for heaven.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 9:36 AM
I once murdered my father and married my mother. Aside from that, just a string of minor felonies, and one particularly disturbing incident where I framed someone and he ended up being part of one of those "extraordinary renditions."
I also watch The OC sometimes. And House.
Posted by F. Winston Codpiece III | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 9:38 AM
Isn't there a website somewhere where they do this kind of thing every week?
Posted by Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 9:39 AM
Several, I think.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 9:41 AM
Not only is there a Web site, but some sorry artist made it a work—you mail him postcards, he posts them online.
Talking shit about people's art is a habitual sin, if not the single worst.
Posted by Kriston | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 9:42 AM
Isn't there a website somewhere where they do this kind of thing every week?
No penny-ante shit here, AK, we just want the worst of the worst. Suitable replacement my ass.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 9:42 AM
There's also this site, written up here at n+1.
Posted by eb | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 9:43 AM
Is it shitty art? Because I imagine that there's plenty of art that calls out for shit to be talken about it.
I'm leaving "talken" in there because I like it.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 9:44 AM
It is indeed shitty art. Shitty art walks a real fine line for me—I hate it when people condemn everything that falls somewhere off the map as shitty art, you know? Shitty art should be called shitty for the right reasons.
Posted by Kriston | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 9:55 AM
Jeebus. I pray that your list represents output scrubbed in acknowledgment that it is at least possible your identity will be compromised. Because unless (a) "blackie" stands in for something else, or (b) your friend immediately became an alcoholic, then neither would land in my Top 10. (And if I really thought about it, (a) probably wouldn't suffice either).
Is this post really just about making the rest of us reexamine our prior beliefs about how relatively decent we are as human beings?
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:00 AM
Worst failings are likely those one doesn't recognize as such. See the post immediately beneath this one.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:02 AM
I once tried to steal a doll-size tea set from a daycare center. I totally coveted that tea set, man. It was sooo pretty. And I was going to be leaving the center and never seeing it again, and couldn't bear it. So when I thought no one was looking I stuffed it into my bag. But I was caught. The daycare center lady was a real hard-ass, too. She told me she was going to call the cops. I was about 6, at the time.
Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:03 AM
No, I really said "blackie" and those are the two things I've done that bother me still. Like I said, my friends probably can think of more awful things that I've done, but I can't. Maybe I should ask them. That could be interesting.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:04 AM
Did I fall into some trap there, bw?
Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:04 AM
But you were supposed to tell us the worst thing you've ever done, not what still bothers you.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:06 AM
Ask the exes. Especially ex^2.
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:07 AM
The last two exes would give me a clean slate (I think), but first-ex, the relationship from hell ex likely wouldn't. But I'm no longer in touch with her.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:09 AM
These are ogged's job interview worst things he has ever done.
Posted by joe o | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:10 AM
Ok, I'm mass-mailing my friends now. Part of the problem here is Wolfson's distinction between worst and bothers the most; if I'm not bothered, I just don't think it was so bad. Completely narcissistic moral code.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:11 AM
Once I poured slug onto a pile of salt in the garden, and all the salt dissolved.
I've never forgiven myself.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:12 AM
Well, seeing as I'm oh-so-anonymous here, here are (a few of) the sins that haunt me:
When I was maybe 7, I stepped on the end of my little brother's sock as he ran by (he used to let 6 inches or more of his knee-high athletic socks flop off the end of his feet--I have no ide why). He tripped and slammed his face into an endtable, jamming his right incisor back up into his gum.
A couple years later, I was angry at my brother because he'd been ignoring me for a few hours in a battle of wills that I was determined to win by physically abusing him until he had no choice but to acknowledge me. He was sitting in my mother's lap. I walked up to him with a pair of nail clippers, looked him in the eye, and began to slowly squeeze a piece of skin on his arm with the nail clippers, waiting for him to react. I must have squeezed for a good 45 seconds until I lost my nerve to keep squeezing. The entire time, My mom was watching television and my brother just stared me in the eyes defiantly. The mark stayed on his arm for close to a year.
And, last, the summer after college I cheated on my girlfriend of two months with my roommate's girlfriend. I never told her, but we broke up a few weeks later.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:12 AM
Jeebus, Ogged. A grade school taunt and mistreating a bug? Are you fucking kidding me? I am so not telling you mine.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:17 AM
The bug died, people!
My friends aren't so quick with the email. Maybe by tomorrow I'll have more impressive sins.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:19 AM
You guys can't leave me hanging out here. Somebody else better pony up.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:24 AM
Yours don't seem so bad to me, Chopper. Presumably you didn't intend for your brother to hit the table, and basically, anything brothers do to each other as kids is off the moral table. Cheating on your girlfriend isn't great, but if you were breaking up anyway, no biggie; not a very nice thing to do to your roommate, but maybe he deserved it.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:28 AM
Chopper, your brother is awesome.
Posted by mike d | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:34 AM
Thanks for being charitable, Ogged.
In re the brother stuff, I'm inclined to agree, but it's not like those were the only times I was mean to my brother, and he *does* carry a grudge to this day (in general, not about these two instances).
And in re the girlfriend--she didn't deserve it (although I knew I was going to break up with her), the roommate didn't deserve it (although I doubt that I was the only one his girlfriend cheated on him with).
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:34 AM
Where does she live?
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:35 AM
miked--he's a freak, and socially retarded, but he is fucking stubborn in a way that boggles the mind. Frustrating as it was, even at the time I was in awe.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:37 AM
Of course it's easy to see why these events stick in ogged's mind; they speak directly to, and are probably determinant of, the stories ogged tells about himself. They are the goads in his flesh:
1. I abhor intolerance.
2. I abhor cruelty.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:38 AM
SCMT--last I heard, she was married with a kid, and was moving to London. But she still gave off that freak in the sheets vibe.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:38 AM
I don't know that friends are reliable judges. They may have been very hurt by things that aren't objectively that bad. One friend of mine is apparently still mad at me about a favor I once refused to do for him, in college. I try to point out that the thing about a "favor" is that it is a request, not an obligation. We have argued back and forth about this for over a decade.
Most relationship transgressions strike me as similar--based on expectations and different perceptions of boundaries, rather than all around bad things.
Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:39 AM
I was just making the obvious joke, Chopper; I felt obligated.
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:40 AM
Right. My brother isn't the only one in my family affected by social retardation.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:41 AM
1. I abhor intolerance.
2. I abhor cruelty.
I don't know if that's right, Ben. I mean, I'm on record here as pretty intolerant, with the "won't date" post, and my approval of cruel executions makes the second claim suspect. Which isn't to say that the basic schema is wrong: the things that bother me and that I consider bad do undermine beliefs about myself, or at least scare me about myself. So 1. would be "I'm a hurtful racist" and 2. "I enjoy torturing the weak."
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:44 AM
We were dealing in generalities, ogged. I was aware of both caveats, I assure you. I daresay I know you better than you know yourself ...
/me pets white kitten and hums a ditty
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:49 AM
I forgot that Ben Is Never Wrong.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:50 AM
I don't know that friends are reliable judges.
I'm hoping that they'll remember things I've told them, not so much things I've done to them.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:52 AM
ogged, I've owned up to being wrong on multiple occasions, so don't even try to play that.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:54 AM
he's a freak, and socially retarded
sounds perfect for this crowd.
Posted by mike d | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:57 AM
Ah, but this crowd is not perfect for him, as we do not speak of Vampyres, nor discuss whether things are kawaii.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:59 AM
Vampyres aren't kawaii.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 11:05 AM
No, but vampires apparently can be.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 11:15 AM
They could be -- big eyes, teeny little pointy fangs...
This is an awfully odd premise for a post. Kind of by definition, the things that I think of as the worst things I've ever done are things that I'm bitterly ashamed of. They really aren't the kinds of things I'm going to be chattering about on the internet, and I'd expect most people to feel the same way. I'd think anyone who answers this question at all has an awfully clear conscience by my standards.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 11:16 AM
My brother is vast, he contains multitudes.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 11:19 AM
I once broke a friend's foot while playing basketball.
Posted by eb | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 11:21 AM
On purpose? Strategically?
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 11:23 AM
Re: 14; it's the post below, about kneeling to pray before murdering unarmed imprisoned men.
(Yes, I can think of a few offhand, and no, you don't get to hear them. Not as bad as murdering unarmed imprisoned men.)
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 11:26 AM
Ok, so it was unintentional: we collided while diving for the ball. The odd thing was that initially I seemed more injured than he did, and I remember limping for a short time afterwards.
That was at the end of the summer and we went to different colleges. We e-mailed irregularly and I only realized what had happened when he casually mentioned sometime late in the term that things had gotten better once the cast was finally off his foot. I had no idea he had been in a cast at all.
Posted by eb | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 11:29 AM
Shorter this whole thread:
Ogged is wondering if we'd like to help him in his scheme to blackmail us.
Posted by washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 11:29 AM
jeez, now you've got me thinking of something crappy I did to a friend 6 years ago, and I'm thinking of writing him an email and apologizing for it. We're still in touch, but it couldn't help but be an odd email.
Posted by Michael | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 11:40 AM
I don't know that I learned my lesson from the tea set incident. I have a friend in curatorial at the Met, and she was showing me some pieces of Sèvres, and I was overcome with a desire for them. The thought crossed my mind that if I embarked on a life of crime, that would be where I would start.
Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 11:43 AM
See, I would just steal money.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 11:47 AM
I would steal hearts, and give them to the unloved.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 11:50 AM
At the Mineshaft.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 11:51 AM
I swear.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 11:52 AM
Oh you are poetical, Ben. Unless you meant real hearts.
Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 11:54 AM
Well, it looks like apostropher, joe o, and I are setting up shop in the wing of heaven for the minor miscreants, while the rest of you lot hang out with ... I dunno, I can't think of any other group of people who wouldn't trip over ogged's low bar. I feel assured that FL and alemeida will be with us.
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 11:54 AM
Real hearts are probably hard to come by these days. You'd have to go to a real butcher.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 11:56 AM
ac, your story reminds me of one I sort of heard from someone staying in a hostel I was staying in in Budapest years ago. I say "sort of heard" because I was unable to get the details.
IIRC, the guy had mentioned that he'd had some experience with the legal system in Italy. It turned out that he had been defending a friend, not that he'd done anything bad himself. When I asked about it, he first said he shouldn't say anything because the case was still going, but then he said, "Have you ever been accused of desecrating a national treasure?"
He didn't say anything more, but I took that as implying that his friend had done something to artwork in a museum.
Oh, also: a friend and I were reprimanded at the Vatican museum for taking a picture in which my friend was lying down in an open coffin or something like that. (I don't remember precisely what kind of funerary object it was, but it wasn't a major piece, I swear; besides, it lacked ornamentation).
Posted by eb | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 12:01 PM
wow, are you guys ever squeaky-clean. jesus christ himself probably glued down a couple caterpillars, or accidentally tripped a guy on the basketball court.
the bad things i've done are in a different realm altogether, like participating in the ostracization of some innocent kid in elementary school because i was glad that for once i was not the one being ostracized, or worse yet, stringing along an "ex" boyfriend for close to a year, because i didn't really want to be with him, but on second thought, decided i didn't really want to be alone either. oh god, or more terrible still, when i was in school there was a kid with a serious disfiguring injury, which creeped me out so i avoided looking at him for the entire year. i would always make sure that i was never in the same room with him so i wouldn't seem "rude" when i didn't talk to him or look at him.
Posted by Anonymous | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 12:02 PM
We're just not telling, no-name.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 12:03 PM
oh sorry, 61 was me.
it's true that simple crimes -- like killing caterpillars -- make for better stories, and better visuals, than complicated social villainy. still, the social crimes are worse, i think.
but i'll admit that i've killed several insects in my day.
Posted by mina | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 12:07 PM
My father was thrown out of the Vatican for taking pictures. Also, they hate jews.
I second 62.
Posted by washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 12:08 PM
I was rebuked in the tomb of the Medici for lying on the floor to better examine the ceiling.
But I've done much worse things than that. And I'm not even thinking about counting cruelty to invertebrates.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 12:14 PM
Of social crimes - I really think, as I was saying above, that a lot of these things are subjective. Like stringing the ex along - people often know when they're being strung along, or toyed with, and they pursue the other anyway. Or there is a certain expectation that romantic life is treacherous. That sort of thing seems a different category than treatment of the disfigured, &c. More complicity, I suppose.
(Though it might just be convenient for me to think this way, at the moment.)
Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 12:19 PM
But it's the social crimes -- specifically, stringing people along -- that make me feel the most guilty. Those are the ones in which we are causing the biggest hurts, no? Not to minimize lying in vatican coffins.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 12:25 PM
I think ac's comment suggests a better way to view ogged's post. Rather than thinking he must be some kind of saint, perhaps it shows, instead, that he's a monster for not knowing that dining on the still-beating heart of a puppy is just wrong, no matter how tasty.
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 12:25 PM
I mean if one of us is out there killing people, that's worse. But I feel the worst about crimes of the heart.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 12:28 PM
This post is rapidly becoming the worst thing I've done this year. I really thought my two were pretty bad; it wasn't supposed to be an exercise in self-aggrandizement. But hey, it turns out y'all are moral monsters!
Heard back from the Ex. She couldn't think of anything. God, I'm such a saint.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 12:31 PM
Well, a racist saint.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 12:32 PM
It's not the big things you do, ogged, it's the many small things that you spread around among all the people you encounter throughout your life. Your monstrousness was bought by the penny.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 12:35 PM
I bought this guy dinner.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 12:37 PM
And I'll never forgive you for it.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 12:38 PM
Given certain things he's alluded to, I'd like [ash] to show up in this thread.
Posted by washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 12:40 PM
so do I make up for romantic indiscretions with large tips to taxi drivers?
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 12:41 PM
They really aren't the kinds of things I'm going to be chattering about on the internet
Well, I expected a little anonymous soul cleansing, but I never know how the comments are going to unfold anyway.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 12:43 PM
I guess I'm usually the victim, in crimes of the heart, and I tend to view it as my own fault.
Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 12:44 PM
I was almost charged with a felony once, but not for anything done wrong.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 12:50 PM
I'm having trouble with 2. You're worried about a caterpiller dying a disturbing death. Ok, you're sensitive to cruelty to weak animals. Is this a consistent belief? I'm thinking here of monetarily endorsing factory farming. Does this bother you, as well? If not, why not? I'm not referring to killing simpliciter, but to the conditions of the animals' lives and deaths. It just seems that if you've been bothered by a caterpillar for 20 years, then you wouldn't touch bacon and the like without knowing its source. Is there a significant difference b/w the cruelty of being held down by glue, and being held in a tight pen without sunlight for life? Do you consider your removal from the act of cruelty to be significant in the case of food? Or is the cruelty justified in the case of food?
Posted by Michael | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 12:50 PM
The food thing should bother me more, I suppose, but I just think, "A guy's gotta eat, and bacon is yummy." Like this, basically.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 12:55 PM
Actually, I like that. It bugs me that the animal's life is taken for granted. Whenever I'm asked to say grace (rare, but has occured), I'm an atheist so I can't pray, so I thank the animal for its sacrifice.
I've joked with a friend that butchers could put up pictures of the animal displayed cut-up in the refrigerators (the actual one, not a generic). I wouldn't actually encourage anyone to do that, but, at the same time, I don't think it's a bad idea.
Posted by Michael | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 1:12 PM
"This is Buttons. He loved his mother, and a good scratch behind the ear. The hamburger you're purchasing came from his left front leg."
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 1:15 PM
re: 78 -- then we should date, ac (kidding).
I tend to be both victim and perpetrator. Which makes me feel worse about being the perp, since I know the kinds of harm I have inflicted. But I've never done anything like sleeping with my best friend's wife (or anyone's wife, to my knowlege). More pedestrian offenses, like cheating, or coming really close to cheating.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 1:19 PM
I've joked with a friend that butchers could put up pictures of the animal displayed cut-up in the refrigerators (the actual one, not a generic).
Real butchers go one better, with the small animals, and have them in recognizeable form. I have only seen such butchers in Europe (actually only in Greece). Whole rabbits with fur still on their feet and heads; whole lambs on display around Easter. Whole chickens, though plucked (there are a few places I know of around here that sell live chickens; I've never patronized one because I'm unsure if they kill and clean them for you when you buy one).
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 1:22 PM
Well, actually that's not true anymore, that I'm always the victim. I used to be, every single damn time. But that ended a while ago. And now, no doubt, I'm cold and cruel--and, worse, feel justified in it, having been a victim.
Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 1:23 PM
Not surprisingly, slaughtering a pig is not so very different from slaughtering a human, at least in terms of technique. Either way, it goes a lot quicker with one of these.
No, I'm definitely not telling you my worst transgressions.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 1:25 PM
Kidding. Ish.
Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 1:27 PM
And very sorry I brought up the real hearts thing.
Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 1:28 PM
funny, I feel having been a victim ought to make me more conscious of what I am doing, and therefore, less cruel. It doesn't though, just makes me wring my hands over it. But crimes committed knowingly are worse than those committed thoughtlessly, no?
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 1:28 PM
screw it. I saw real, whole pigs on display in Paris all the time (rabbits too). Didn't turn me off to eating pork at all, and made me want to try rabbit.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 1:31 PM
Rabbit, done right, is my favorite meat of all time. Unfortunately, I can't cook it, and I rarely run into restaurants that serve it.
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 1:33 PM
jesus christ himself probably glued down a couple caterpillars
Sort of.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 1:33 PM
Once again, I have no idea how you find these things.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 1:36 PM
The book is one of my favorite comic novels ever (and you can read it in a day). Pig slaughtering, well, I grew up in eastern North Carolina, so it isn't exactly arcana to me.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 1:41 PM
I think 78 should be set to music.
I sure know how to pick 'em, it's really like an art, I keep rubbing wounds with salt.
I guess I'm usually the victim, in crimes of the heart, and I tend to view it as my own fault.
Chorus, anyone?
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 1:44 PM
Reminds me of this country song.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 1:49 PM
"I'm just a caterpi-i-i-lar, covered in glue,
Yeah, I'm just a caterpi-i-i-lar....
And I'm stuck on you."
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 1:50 PM
First, fix the scansion.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 1:50 PM
Damn.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 1:51 PM
That is to say, 99 was to 96.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 1:51 PM
LizardBreath is banned.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 1:53 PM
I figured I was on borrowed time.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 1:55 PM
Whatever you do, LB, don't mention star-nose moles.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 1:55 PM
Ok, somebody throw in a Grad Student mention so we can cover all the bases in one thread.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 1:57 PM
Oh, I called my friend a blackie
He thought me very tacky
I feel guilty to this day,
I think it's what makes me go to The Mineshaft
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 1:58 PM
Lloyd Cole's "Why I Love Country Music" is one of my favorite songs.
Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 1:59 PM
I should have never opened my yap about scansion.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 1:59 PM
I am more comfortable, however, with the idea of my victim song being sung by Morrissey.
Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:04 PM
I called my buddy "blackie"
Just to show I weren't no lacky
Wish I could take it back-y
But it stays. To this day.
Then I thought I'd make a pillar
out of some glued caterpillars
never thought myself a killer
So I pray. Like DeLay.
That's why I get me to the minshaft
[engaging in unsafe activities etc.]
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:05 PM
expanding upon 106
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:06 PM
Which, I believe (to 106) takes care of the criticism about scansion.
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:07 PM
Erg. 112 was to 109, not 106. No more posting while standing on my head.
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:07 PM
Glue poured on a 'pillar, I know, I know—it's really serious.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:08 PM
112 makes more sense addressed to 106 than to 109, unless you're saying that Smiths (or Morrissey solo ... I guess) songs don't scan?
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:09 PM
Can we please not murder my favorite song of all time, Wolfson?
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:09 PM
You shut your mouth
How can you say
ac goes about things the wrong way ?
ac is Human and she needs to be loved
Just like everybody else does
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:10 PM
My understanding is that the blues doesn't have to scan.
("Oh baby, I got those trapped-like-an-insect-in-the-sticky-hairs-of-a-carnivorous plant blues...")
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:10 PM
LizardBreath is banned again.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:11 PM
I once had a fairly decent set of parody lyrics worked up to SCMT's favorite song, about a woman who just couldn't quit smoking. I called it
"Girlfriend with a Stoma"
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:12 PM
My understanding is that the blues doesn't have to scan.
Appropriate to nothing, it occurs to me that this might be the whitest sentence ever written.
Posted by Anonymous | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:12 PM
Me (121).
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:13 PM
Re - 105, you forgot about your not having sex.
Posted by Kriston | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:13 PM
No, to make it even whiter, you could rewrite it to:
A propos of nothing, it is my understanding that the "Blues" need not scan.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:15 PM
Yeah, but there is a rhythm you want to maintain.
Take me out tonight
Take me anywhere, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care
And at a party with the Swede
I thought Grad student, you've got what I need
But then a strange fear gripped me and I couldn't take the lead
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:15 PM
115: Yes, I was suggesting that Smiths songs often don't scan. Was there something else I could have been suggesting?
"Spending warm summer nights indoors, writing frightening verse to a buck-toothed girl in Luxembourg."
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:17 PM
"A propos of nothing, it is my understanding that the "Blues" need not scan."
That's almost as bad as the way the Wire's house style is to write "HipHop".
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:17 PM
126: Chopper had implied that someone needed to scan better, and then wrote something that didn't scan.
I don't think scansion really applies to Smiths songs, because they're not writing that kind of song, y'know? "Your sonnet doesn't scan, it's too long and the rhyme scheme is off!" "I'm writing a ballad."
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:18 PM
To 124: although generally contractions loosen a sentence up, yours could actually be made even prissier by changing "need not" to "needn't".
Like Michael J. Fox, I am the Anti- Elvis. I have no Elvis in me.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:21 PM
Well, that's the point, innit? 96 doesn't scan, but 109 makes it a Smiths song so it doesn't have to.
[Incidentally, ac, I'm sorry that your love life seems sub-ideal. Perhaps you need a change of scene, like Lubbock, Texas. I'm afraid that this means that Lubbock will make your love life look good by comparison, that's what I'm afraid of.]
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:21 PM
How about this:
A propos of nothing, Mummy, it is my understanding that the "Blues" needn't scan.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:22 PM
But Matt, YOU will shortly be in Lubbock! What woman's day wouldn't that brighten, that woman also being in or shortly to be in Lubbock, TX?
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:23 PM
Philosophy Blues
Baby I don't want to hurt you/
Don't want to hurt you so bad/
Baby I don't want to hurt you/
You sweet philo grad/
I'll just send an e-mail/
So I won't seem a cad./
(pause)
Oh baby where's my e-mail/
oh you're making me sad/
baby where's my e-mail/
you sweet philo grad/
you don't return my e-mail/
making me look a fool to all my internet friends, you sweet, naughty thing you/
Fin
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:23 PM
At a minimum, I hope we've clarified the consensus that The Smiths were the single greatest thing about the 80's.
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:24 PM
Can we work a "shan't" into this Whitest Sentence Ever? "A propos of nothing, I just heard from Reginald down at the club—he and the missus just got back form Cholmondeley—that there's a kind of music across the pond called the "Blues" because it employs blue notes, you see, and I shan't beat around the bush any longer, but he says it needn't scan."
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:26 PM
Are you trying to tell us, Tim, that your comments on this site represent your real state of mind?
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:27 PM
Gonna take a walk (bump badda wow)
Take a walk outside (bump badda wow)
Gonna find a bug (bump badda wow)
A bug that just can't hide (bump badda wow)
When I find that bug (bump badda wow)
Tell you what I'm gonna do (bump badda wow)
Gonna put some glue on it's back (bump badda wow)
And whine about it to you (bump badda wow)
'cos I'm a bug killer baby
a bug-killing man
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:28 PM
Hey, if you're going to say bad things about the Smiths, I think I could work up enthusiasm for a rousing chorus of "Hang the Blogger."
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:29 PM
But Matt, YOU will shortly be in Lubbock! What woman's day wouldn't that brighten, that woman also being in or shortly to be in Lubbock, TX?
You know, my exposure to some little bits of philosophy through bloggers has made me extraordinarily impressed by philosophers (much more than my attempts at reading Philosophers in school did). But, perhaps b/c of the books I tried to read in school and simply couldn't, I often wonder why most serious philosophers don't go batshit crazy. Which in turn makes me wonder about the spouses of philosophers. Are they super-stable people, or are they sort of wierd? (This is a non-snarky question).
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:30 PM
132--keep hammering that irony in, why don't you, Wolfson? I don't even have anything going on here and already you're horning in.
Also, stop reworking the whitest sentence ever. Twitty-British isn't the same thing.
And may I propose--something that I have actually thought, though not in time to say it--"Stop calling Run-DMC old school! Calling Run-DMC old school is like saying that T.S. Eliot did old criticism!"
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:31 PM
My mom's main argument (seriously) when trying to dissuade me from studying philosophy was that philosophers all go crazy.
I've never heard a Smith's song. I'm only going by reputation.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:32 PM
Also, a quote from my brother:
"You know, I think the lesson of Morrissey's solo career is that it was really all about the guitar."
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:33 PM
Yeah, the true sorrow of the whitest sentence ever is that I do, in fact, talk just like that. British upper-class? Not so much.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:33 PM
Someone name a couple of typical Smiths' songs and I'll listen now...
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:34 PM
They once set about murdering songs
While hiding their sins and mocking my wrongs
But as sure as a debunged sow
Sexy as a chickie with plow
Surrealism is all about Mao Zedong
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:34 PM
First song that popped into my mind was "This Charming Man." Then, after some of the ones quoted here, "Bigmouth Strikes again." Not sure why.
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:35 PM
"How Soon Is Now" is good.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:36 PM
But I like twit-british, or at least the idea of it.
I don't know what you're talking about re: hammering irony (except that you should hammer while the irony's hot, haw haw). If you don't want to talk yourself up, at least don't overdo the self-deprecation.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:36 PM
I'm not an expert, but:
How Soon is Now
Girlfriend in a Coma
Hang the DJ
Seem to be the ones most often played on the dario.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:37 PM
"How Soon Is Now" is kind of atypical, musically, I think. "The Queen is Dead", "There Is a Light that Never Goes Out", "Girlfriend in a Coma" (SCMT's fav!) are all good.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:38 PM
Oh, I like "Bigmouth Strikes Again"--and I am really not a Smiths fan.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:38 PM
Another vote for Weiner's pick. I liked "Cemetery Gates", but that might have been because it was on a really good mix tape -- I'm not sure what I think of it in isolation.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:38 PM
What's the one with the line "Let me get my hands / on your mammary glands"? "Handsome Devil"?
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:39 PM
If you don't want to talk yourself up, at least don't overdo the self-deprecation.
I think that is the nicest way to call someone a pussy that I've ever read.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:39 PM
Hey, if you're going to say bad things about the Smiths, I think I could work up enthusiasm for a rousing chorus of "Hang the Blogger."
LB: You have to remember that, as baa correctly noted, ogged was (and, improbably, probably is) one of the kewl kidz.
Ogged: Girlfriend in a Coma is, as stated above, my favorite song of all time. Like "Ask" as well. Others can do better, no doubt.
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:39 PM
The song that goes "Hang the DJ" is really called "Panic." Those two aren't my fav songs, just the ones that popped into my head. "Girlfriend in a Coma" is somewhat atypical and annoys me (sorry, SCMT). I think my favorites would be "How Soon Is Now" and "The Queen Is Dead" and maybe "Pretty Girls Make Graves" 'n' prolly "Bigmouth." I'm somewhat embarrassed about this whole thing.
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:41 PM
Ok, several of those aren't available on Real Rhapsody, but the ones that are have a familiar sound. Not quite my thing, but I don't hate it.
For the last time, I was not one of the cool kids. Where's Unf when you need him? Where's Unf?
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:42 PM
Who was it that did the punk cover of "Bigmouth Strikes Again?" Screeching Weasel? Shit, I used to play that all the time on my radio show back in the day.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:42 PM
153: Yes. It's on "Hatful of Hollow" (only LP issue I know of).
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:42 PM
Right, I'd forgotten the post about how he'd really enjoyed high school. Hard to fit the Smiths into a schedule packed with high-school-enjoying.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:42 PM
How about "Never Had No One Ever"? It can be unfogged's theme song.
I would like to note that the Decemberists song "Here I Dreamt I Was an Architect" is very Smithsy.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:42 PM
Bigmouth is "Sweetness / Sweetness / I was only joking when I said / by rights you should be murdered in your bed," right? Great opening line.
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:44 PM
Right. Also contains the classic "Now I know how Joan of Arc felt."
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:46 PM
Wow. Link to a sow bungdropper and suddenly everybody's on about the Smiths. Coincidence?
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:47 PM
Are you trying to tell us, Tim, that your comments on this site represent your real state of mind?
Only in the sense that I've come to terms with the fact that never again will I know the touch of a woman. And I'm fine with it. No, really. Fine. With. It.
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:47 PM
Who was it that did the punk cover of "Bigmouth Strikes Again?"
Treepeople! One of my all-time favorites (who later went on to give birth to Built to Spill).
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:48 PM
Apo: awesome!--now to go digging.
That song is a Top 5 cover song for me--right up there with Killdozer covering "Nasty" by Janet Jackson.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:51 PM
Chopper, are you familiar with Devo's cover of "Head Like a Hole"?
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:51 PM
I am not.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 2:52 PM
By the way, Treepeople's cover of Bowie's "Andy Warhol" is even better than the "Bigmouth" cover.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 3:44 PM
Ben, 135
Reginald is more popular as a black name.
Posted by Michae | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 3:56 PM
I like "Cemetery Gates" because it's funny. "Vicar in a Tutu" is also good, from that album. "Reel around the fountain" is probably the favorite, though.
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 3:56 PM
Good one (Reel, that is). Man, I haven't listened to the Smiths since I stopped listening to cassettes -- I haven't got any of this on CD.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 3:58 PM
Wait a minute. You were going to hang me for dissing stuff you last listened to on cassette?
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 4:03 PM
Stuff I listened to that long ago is just woven into my DNA by now. Never have to hear it again. (Also, I still have my turntable.)
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 4:11 PM
The hanging comment was just a riff off the song title. Really, the Smiths are a nostalgia thing for me -- I hardly listen to music at all now, because I don't like listening to music when I'm working, and I'm mostly working. I can't remember the last CD I bought that wasn't for my kids.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 5:39 PM
The remainder of my top 5, nobody asked, but noone's commented in a while and I'm bored:
"Big Bottom" as covered by Soundgarden
"Hit Me Baby One More Time" as covered by Travis
"Bring the Noise" as covered by Anthrax
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 7:23 PM
"Hit Me Baby One More Time" as covered by Travis
this is a sweet cover- i was introduced to it by a scouser buddy at grad school who used to get up on stage with our in-house band (who are playing the Wonderland in DC on the 11th, those of you keeping score at home), and belt it out.
I've always been fond of the Sabbath covers that the Cardigans always included on their albums.
Posted by mike d | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 7:27 PM
They did Iron Man and what else?
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 7:49 PM
Hard to fit the Smiths into a schedule packed with high-school-enjoying.
Hey, I managed to take time out from enjoying HS to hit a smiths concert in the 80's. I remember when he sang the Queen is Dead some group from the band came out front and waved a sign that said "No You're Not".
Are they enjoying some kind of revival? I keep hearing them on at my coffee shop. Maybe it's just someone enjoying the perfect mope.
I'll have to check out the treepeople. I discovered Built to Spill backwards from picking up Doug Martsch's cool slide guitar album, Now You Know.
Posted by cw | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 9:15 PM
Wow, what you miss when you go off and have drinks and dinner. I feel bad for eliciting your sympathy, since I at least have plenty of TiVo.
Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:03 PM
Did ac really just say "I'm having sex and you're not, neener neener"?
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 2-05 10:07 PM
No, she did not. She was just pointing out the irony.
And I really don't deserve sympathy! I usually like people who are a little elusive, so it's built-in that I'm going to be the victim. Therefore, it's my own fault. So my life may be a Smiths' song, but it's not so bad.
Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 05- 3-05 3:47 AM
ac,
I have a similar quirk. If I don't really care about a sports contest I'll root for the underdog, which means more often than not my temporary team loses.
And back to the original gruesome topic - nobody's worst thing involved the death of a human?
Then it is not too bad, in my book.
Posted by Tripp | Link to this comment | 05- 3-05 6:28 AM
nobody's worst thing involved the death of a human?
Well, yes. But by the time I got there, he had already been dead a pretty long time.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 05- 3-05 6:38 AM
The best Britney Spears cover is Richard Thompson's version of "Oops! I Did It Again". (He sometimes plays a few bars in 12th century style, which is called "Marry, Ageyn Hic Hev Donne Yt"—it's from Brittany.)
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 05- 3-05 7:34 AM
apostropher,
Okay. I'll tell if you'll tell.
You go first.
Posted by Tripp | Link to this comment | 05- 3-05 8:01 AM
(Checks back in)
[Cricket sounds]
Ah, my work here is done.
(exits)
Posted by Tripp | Link to this comment | 05- 4-05 7:09 AM