The U of C has one-year reunions, which seems kind of silly to me, but it did bring a friend whom I wouldn't otherwise have seen (well, for a few months, anyway) back to town, which was nice.
Based on her post there doesn't seem to have been anyone she actually wanted to see there, so I wonder why she went, other than to be supercilious and have a bad time.
True Confession: I wrote stuff like that when I thought I was being Tom Wolfe, about how I didn't like certain mandatory cocktail parties. O, see me Observe! It went into a drawer. Now everyone's juvenilia lives forever on the Internets. We should indeed all be nicer.
the problem with the piece is overstatement. As ogged pointed out. If you were to take out every observation, and make it understated instead of overstated, it would read well.
So, Slo, I wouldn't be so ashamed of your subject matter -- a person could write well about not enjoying conversations, if one did not exaggerate everything, and maybe was a self-deprecating about it.
not true. or if so, I would rejoin, it doesn't need a point -- not if it's an accurate representation of an interesting character's reaction to a situation. Even if the situation is mundane.
it's negativity is tied to its overstatement -- that which is overstated is all of the negative observation. Which is, admittedly, all of the observation. It tends to make the character seem like a negative person, but unawares that she is negative. Which would make her intolerable.
But there are compelling, negative narrators -- often those with some self-realization.
Hmm. I might go so far as to say that understated observation -- in as much as it requires a unique thought or two -- tends to make a character interesting.
What I am saying is that the piece would be better if it were written better.
I find that claim hard to contest. But I also think that if it were understated or written better it would perforce be completely different. It wouldn't just be toned down, because as it is it's so overheated it's like, you know, the proteins are entangling/custard is setting/sugar is doing whatever sugar does at the point beyond which you can't just cool it down so you'd better get a copper pot and a candy thermometer, mister.
you are right -- there's no real saving the piece, except to turn it up even more and have a steaming batch of crazy-overstated Hunter Thompson type prose. Which would require some imagination.
Also, understatement that actually tells you something isn't the easiest thing to do -- that would require all sorts of new ingredients.
Not disputing that, more that denaturing is a more natural metaphor because it retains your intended message of an irreversible change of form and is the more common usage.
Ben and text, I think the real problem with this piece goes way beyond either just "negativity" or "bad writing". Slolernr more or less hit on what struck me as the overarching theme: almost cartoonish pretentiousness. Much of it is, as Slo suggested, probably just youthfulness, but some of it is the obvious intent to portray herself as somehow distinguished from the usual crowd of ivy-league clones while still getting a chance to point out that she did in fact go to an Ivy League school.
Ben's right about one thing: adjustments in the writing style would not really be possible without a complete change in the attitude and intent of the writer.
1) None of the observations sounded as if they had to be observed to be written. "It was briefly satisfying to learn that the scene did in fact fit my prediction..." Yeah, yours and anyone who's read any tell-all prep lit in the past 10 years.
2) It reads as if it were an attempt to garner the compliments it did in fact get: "At 2:40 PM, Anonymous said... God. I'm so glad you're not like them, Opinionista..."
3) And that's what really got me. She attended this (don't forget to notice I said!) Ivy League school, right? She went on to become a prestigious lawyer and moreoever, one concerned enough with rankings to be able to insert it as someone else's inner monologue. But she doesn't acknowledge that she's just as bad/social-climbing/pretentious, etc... and that's a shame, because the potential for teh funny would have been there with an edit and a lighter touch. Instead it just sounds as if she hates everyone and tends to assume that they hate her when really, she's just not that important.
I think I ran into this woman at the very reunion she describes. She was so elusive and deadpan that I bailed on the conversation after about a minute.
Back in the deep dark recesses of singledom I remember being hit upon by this woman's doppleganger. (Of course I remember it because I remember all such incidents of being hit upon since they happen with the frequency of solar eclipses). Her tactic was to create a shared space between us by relentlessly putting down everything else that there was to see. And doing it in a "tractor trailer" wreck style. Thus it was like we were the last people on earth. And I wanted to run screaming into the night.
I actually had sex with this woman after the reunion, despite her low admission rate, because my penis is [Juggernaut Firm]. I bailed after about a minute, though.
I don't think it's just the "almost cartoonish pretentiousness," though I think that's a big part of it. It's the simple painfulness of it all. You read the bit, and are pained to know she is out there, inflicting herself on people. You are aware that it must be painful to be someone who (after all) went to an Ivy and still writes so tritely - the piece must represent some best effort to seem like the type of person who has a "meaningful" life. If adolescence was hard the first time out, it must be doubly so in your thirties. You also (or at least I) have the pain of recognition - you once were a bit like her.
For some reason Springsteen came to mind. If you hadn't pulled out, maybe Janey'd have a baby, but that wouldn't be any sin.
And now, in the Mineshaft, we get to say "I wasn't just hard like Jacoby and Myers, I was hard like Cravath, Swain...." And in fact, there is probably a rap in their.
Superkoranic doesn't begin to describe the sublime nature of 29. I move that Fontana's second-level derivative nickname be changed from Gayatollah abu-Labs to [Juggernaut Firm].
It's for the best. When the sex is empty, like a refrigerator that has no food, or perhaps just not the snack you're looking for, is empty, you may find yourself temped to suspend your doubt and keep returning to find your snack, which is a metaphor for having sex, again and again, and you may not notice that your conceit is misogynist until it's too late.
I have the concept, but can't get the execution: Labs's first two lines from 42, Jones Day, and potential rhymes with "gay" and "Condoleezza Rice is". Anyone?
Smack you down like I meant it; fuck stare decisis, I'm unprecented! Like Jones Day go all the way to Superior Court. I got no fear a ya, you're gay like Condoleezza Rice is.
You got abhorrence for my rhetoric, say it's heterosexist, better stick to Lawrence v. Texas. I don't want you to think this, I'm uptight like Bill Rehnquist. Don't be a hater, be like Ruth Bader.
It was the collective shudder we all had at the thought of seeing each other in our full, fleshly dorkiness. Some are already on the path to recovery; some are lost for good.
The power goes out last night. I wake up this morning and discover I've helped create a genre. Stunning. Thank you all. I haven't laughed this hard in a while.
These days, you gotta go for "oy, vey ist mir". Cliché inflation, you know.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 06-28-05 10:06 PM
The U of C has one-year reunions, which seems kind of silly to me, but it did bring a friend whom I wouldn't otherwise have seen (well, for a few months, anyway) back to town, which was nice.
Based on her post there doesn't seem to have been anyone she actually wanted to see there, so I wonder why she went, other than to be supercilious and have a bad time.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 06-28-05 10:11 PM
True Confession: I wrote stuff like that when I thought I was being Tom Wolfe, about how I didn't like certain mandatory cocktail parties. O, see me Observe! It went into a drawer. Now everyone's juvenilia lives forever on the Internets. We should indeed all be nicer.
Posted by slolernr | Link to this comment | 06-28-05 10:19 PM
the problem with the piece is overstatement. As ogged pointed out. If you were to take out every observation, and make it understated instead of overstated, it would read well.
So, Slo, I wouldn't be so ashamed of your subject matter -- a person could write well about not enjoying conversations, if one did not exaggerate everything, and maybe was a self-deprecating about it.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 06-28-05 10:34 PM
If it weren't overstated, it wouldn't have a point.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 06-28-05 10:36 PM
not true. or if so, I would rejoin, it doesn't need a point -- not if it's an accurate representation of an interesting character's reaction to a situation. Even if the situation is mundane.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 06-28-05 10:43 PM
like, say, a fellow wandering around Dublin for a day.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 06-28-05 10:44 PM
A lack of overstatement wouldn't make the character as presented in the piece interesting.
The problem isn't just its overstatement, it's also its unremitting and entirely conventional negativity.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 06-28-05 10:48 PM
Or perhaps I should be nicer.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 06-28-05 10:49 PM
You find LB's blog, and then you harsh on it. Nice, ogged.
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 06-28-05 10:50 PM
it's negativity is tied to its overstatement -- that which is overstated is all of the negative observation. Which is, admittedly, all of the observation. It tends to make the character seem like a negative person, but unawares that she is negative. Which would make her intolerable.
But there are compelling, negative narrators -- often those with some self-realization.
Hmm. I might go so far as to say that understated observation -- in as much as it requires a unique thought or two -- tends to make a character interesting.
What I am saying is that the piece would be better if it were written better.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 06-28-05 11:04 PM
it's! it's! curses! fie on me!
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 06-28-05 11:04 PM
I find that claim hard to contest. But I also think that if it were understated or written better it would perforce be completely different. It wouldn't just be toned down, because as it is it's so overheated it's like, you know, the proteins are entangling/custard is setting/sugar is doing whatever sugar does at the point beyond which you can't just cool it down so you'd better get a copper pot and a candy thermometer, mister.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 06-28-05 11:07 PM
you are right -- there's no real saving the piece, except to turn it up even more and have a steaming batch of crazy-overstated Hunter Thompson type prose. Which would require some imagination.
Also, understatement that actually tells you something isn't the easiest thing to do -- that would require all sorts of new ingredients.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 06-28-05 11:16 PM
Don't the proteins denature?
Posted by washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 06-28-05 11:18 PM
Yes, but they also get entangled with one another. See this informative pdf!
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 06-28-05 11:20 PM
I'm not sure exactly which terms need to googlefight it out, but I'd bet on my version.
Posted by washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 06-28-05 11:25 PM
But my point is that both denaturation and entangling occur.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 06-28-05 11:30 PM
Not disputing that, more that denaturing is a more natural metaphor because it retains your intended message of an irreversible change of form and is the more common usage.
Posted by washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 06-28-05 11:32 PM
A helpful writing guide.
Posted by eb | Link to this comment | 06-28-05 11:58 PM
you'd better get a copper pot and a candy thermometer, mister.
That's disgusting, Ben. Jesus.
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 12:01 AM
Ben and text, I think the real problem with this piece goes way beyond either just "negativity" or "bad writing". Slolernr more or less hit on what struck me as the overarching theme: almost cartoonish pretentiousness. Much of it is, as Slo suggested, probably just youthfulness, but some of it is the obvious intent to portray herself as somehow distinguished from the usual crowd of ivy-league clones while still getting a chance to point out that she did in fact go to an Ivy League school.
Ben's right about one thing: adjustments in the writing style would not really be possible without a complete change in the attitude and intent of the writer.
Posted by Walter Sobchak | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 5:03 AM
So I think Walter has hit it on the head -- Opinionista is Tom Wolfe.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 5:21 AM
and I would like to hit myself on the head for being awake.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 5:22 AM
The piece doth irk! Let me count the ways:
1) None of the observations sounded as if they had to be observed to be written. "It was briefly satisfying to learn that the scene did in fact fit my prediction..." Yeah, yours and anyone who's read any tell-all prep lit in the past 10 years.
2) It reads as if it were an attempt to garner the compliments it did in fact get: "At 2:40 PM, Anonymous said... God. I'm so glad you're not like them, Opinionista..."
3) And that's what really got me. She attended this (don't forget to notice I said!) Ivy League school, right? She went on to become a prestigious lawyer and moreoever, one concerned enough with rankings to be able to insert it as someone else's inner monologue. But she doesn't acknowledge that she's just as bad/social-climbing/pretentious, etc... and that's a shame, because the potential for teh funny would have been there with an edit and a lighter touch. Instead it just sounds as if she hates everyone and tends to assume that they hate her when really, she's just not that important.
Posted by Cala | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 6:17 AM
I'm canceling my subscription!
Posted by Kriston | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 6:43 AM
I think I ran into this woman at the very reunion she describes. She was so elusive and deadpan that I bailed on the conversation after about a minute.
Me: "married?"
She: "I'm hoping to avoid all that"
Me: "great"
She: "just kidding about that you know"
Me: "yep"
Posted by baa | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 6:57 AM
Back in the deep dark recesses of singledom I remember being hit upon by this woman's doppleganger. (Of course I remember it because I remember all such incidents of being hit upon since they happen with the frequency of solar eclipses). Her tactic was to create a shared space between us by relentlessly putting down everything else that there was to see. And doing it in a "tractor trailer" wreck style. Thus it was like we were the last people on earth. And I wanted to run screaming into the night.
Posted by benton | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 7:22 AM
I actually had sex with this woman after the reunion, despite her low admission rate, because my penis is [Juggernaut Firm]. I bailed after about a minute, though.
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 7:37 AM
Eventually I head to the Class Tent to begin the first round of bland artificial greetings.
Does she not realize that she embodies the bland artificiality of those who pretend to reject bland artificiality? No?
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 7:41 AM
Great scott, 29 made me cry tears of joy. That's a superkoranic quality comment.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 7:48 AM
I don't think it's just the "almost cartoonish pretentiousness," though I think that's a big part of it. It's the simple painfulness of it all. You read the bit, and are pained to know she is out there, inflicting herself on people. You are aware that it must be painful to be someone who (after all) went to an Ivy and still writes so tritely - the piece must represent some best effort to seem like the type of person who has a "meaningful" life. If adolescence was hard the first time out, it must be doubly so in your thirties. You also (or at least I) have the pain of recognition - you once were a bit like her.
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 7:52 AM
29 did rock.
For some reason Springsteen came to mind. If you hadn't pulled out, maybe Janey'd have a baby, but that wouldn't be any sin.
And now, in the Mineshaft, we get to say "I wasn't just hard like Jacoby and Myers, I was hard like Cravath, Swain...." And in fact, there is probably a rap in their.
Posted by benton | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 9:32 AM
Superkoranic doesn't begin to describe the sublime nature of 29. I move that Fontana's second-level derivative nickname be changed from Gayatollah abu-Labs to [Juggernaut Firm].
Posted by Walter Sobchak | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 9:39 AM
I bailed after about a minute, though.
It's for the best. When the sex is empty, like a refrigerator that has no food, or perhaps just not the snack you're looking for, is empty, you may find yourself temped to suspend your doubt and keep returning to find your snack, which is a metaphor for having sex, again and again, and you may not notice that your conceit is misogynist until it's too late.
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 9:52 AM
See?
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 9:53 AM
I'm big pimpin'/ like Debevoise and Plimpton.
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 10:01 AM
Hey, I used to work there. Nice people.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 10:04 AM
I'm big pimpin'/ like Debevoise and Plimpton
My phat briefs will give you a seizure
Wearin' white shoes like Donovan & Leisure
Drop a motion on you like an a-bomb, hell,
You nothin' but a punk from Sullivan & Cromwell
Posted by slolernr | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 10:12 AM
What, you don't know my mixin' is bawdy?
What, you thought this was Nixon Peabody?
Are you some kind of heckler?
We aren't at Epstein Becker.
Posted by washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 10:30 AM
The rhymes you make are a lame-ass joke,
Like those white-shoe punks from Davis Polk.
You're as weak as Olympic curling
Me, I'm scarier than Sherman & Sterling.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 10:40 AM
[redacted]
Posted by [redacted] | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 10:56 AM
But the first two lines are great.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 11:00 AM
Yeah, I had the inspiration, yet couldn't seal the deal.
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 11:01 AM
"...gettin' originalis' like Kirkland an' Ellis
I'm rockin the state like Condoleezza Rice is?"
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 11:05 AM
Question mark should be outside the quotation marks.
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 11:06 AM
From the Cad to the Wallader
I bring it tighter but nigga
Ya game is whiter and squalider
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 11:06 AM
"...I got more bling than a wing-tipped Elvis"?
Posted by mike d | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 11:07 AM
Don't be a Leiter-hata.
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 11:09 AM
49 to ?
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 11:10 AM
No one in particular; I just wanted to get in on the originalist theme.
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 11:11 AM
Actually it could address the anti-ranking subtheme of 25, too.
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 11:15 AM
Yo, I'm the king of this white-shoes rap,
So you can quit flappin' your uptown traps.
I come upside yo' head with a thump
And send you limpin' back to Aikin Gump.
I make mike magic like that boy Aladdin
And I work you like an associate at Skadden
'fI can't think of a firm rhyme, that's no loss
I make one up, like Louis Auchincloss.
You might think yo' rhymes be superkoranic
But I send you fleein' in a one-L panic
Posted by slolernr | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 11:22 AM
MoFo, yo.
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 11:23 AM
MoFo was (a) too in love with that moniker, and (b) dropped it, I think.
Posted by slolernr | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 11:25 AM
"I'm more world shakin' than Feist is"?
Posted by Anonymous | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 11:25 AM
These firm names are deadly to rhyme with. Try Jones Day.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 11:26 AM
I gotcha rhyme fo Jones & Day
I break up all yo bones & say
I'ma hangin' Justice like Tony Scalia,
I lock you up and never free ya
They ain't no firm I can't talk smack on
Nor precedents I won't go back on
Posted by slolernr | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 11:34 AM
sl, are you high right now?
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 11:35 AM
I put you punk-ass bitches in crisis--
I'm unprecedented; fuck stare decisis
raise a black fis'
get originalis'
I'm a rapper, a rhymer, and one mean cellist.
Or whatever that thing is you play.
Posted by slolernr | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 11:38 AM
I have the concept, but can't get the execution: Labs's first two lines from 42, Jones Day, and potential rhymes with "gay" and "Condoleezza Rice is". Anyone?
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 11:39 AM
sl, are you high right now?
Writing for fun always makes me giddy.
Posted by slolernr | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 11:41 AM
Anyone?
I'm no token like Condi Rice is
Or Philip Michael Thomas from Miami Vice is
In my real life, I'm not that way
But my secret identity's so gay
I put PowerLine in a sexual panic
An' my special powers are superkoranic
I can rap an' brag an' rhyme
And analyse yo' Bein' an' Time
---
Posted by Anonymous | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 11:56 AM
Uh, anyone else?
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 11:58 AM
Sippin' a hip dyke hooker, I collered her
Wall Street sweet like Stroock or Cadwalader
It's not very street.
Posted by Joe Drymala | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 11:59 AM
Uh, anyone else?
Jeez, the ingratitude. They always said not to take unpaid commissions, and now I know why....
Posted by Anonymous | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 12:08 PM
Smack you down like I meant it; fuck stare decisis, I'm unprecented! Like Jones Day go all the way to Superior Court. I got no fear a ya, you're gay like Condoleezza Rice is.
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 12:13 PM
'unprecedented'
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 12:13 PM
Most impressive about FL's rap is the thematic consistancy -- it's like rap for Clarence Thomas! And speaking of, with a few revisions...
Living Constitution: blow me.
Kennedy: a vacillating phony.
Ralph Neas? Please.
He's a sucker MC
Loosing his bladder
When I review Miranda
That bitch is in crisis
Fuck stare decisis
This ain't no joke
Pubic hair on your coke
Talking jive like Larry Tribe
My dissents are emphatic
My scientifics mathematic
New federalism? Boy I am it.
So raise a black fist
Get originalist
Cause with Rhenquist gone I'm top of the list
Posted by baa | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 12:19 PM
You got abhorrence for my rhetoric, say it's heterosexist, better stick to Lawrence v. Texas. I don't want you to think this, I'm uptight like Bill Rehnquist. Don't be a hater, be like Ruth Bader.
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 12:19 PM
Holy shit. "Pubic hair on your coke."
Posted by F to the L | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 12:23 PM
[redacted]
Posted by [redacted] | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 12:35 PM
you know I got Sowell
Now that rulz.
Posted by slolernr | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 12:37 PM
Comin' straight outta Georgia
Crazy motherfucka named Clarence
Abortion? Not without consent from yo' parents
The founding fathers' intents I'll unravel
Long Dong Silver can't compare to this gavel...
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 12:58 PM
Clarence/parents is brilliant.
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 1:00 PM
straight outta Georgia!
the mothafucka that'll smother your lover
and lock away your baby brutha --
Casuists know my opinions is scary
I makes my rules with the dictionary.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 1:11 PM
late to the party
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 1:12 PM
I come down hard on the Kelo decision
FMV for your rhymes is public derision
Won't raize your house but I'ma raise the roof
I gots legal proofs
No love for legal poofs
Let me hear tha dog pound woof
Posted by Kriston | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 1:27 PM
Yeah, they call me Ren-Q
But you can call me Chief Justice
I'm-a straighten out my robe
And proceed to bust this
Word up to Fat Tony, Ruthie B to the G
Crazy Clarence, Souta Sout, and Kenny D
Can't forget Breydawg and creaky old JP
And last but not least Sandy the O.C.
Sucker MCs be sayin' I'm resigning
Because my health be fast declinin'
But this shit ain't typhoid, just a wack thyroid
I ain't soft, so step off, or get popped
Like a chancroid.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 1:32 PM
"raze".
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 1:33 PM
My raps sounds like Dr. Seuss :-(
Posted by Cala is too pale | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 1:34 PM
>I makes my rules with the dictionary.
>Long Dong Silver can't compare to this gavel...
excellent
Posted by baa | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 1:42 PM
My raps sounds like Dr. Seuss
I don't care if you raise a stench
I would not, could not from this bench
I don't care if you line my pocket
I will not put that on the docket
I will not hear it though you squirm
I will not hear that case this term
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 1:50 PM
would you, could you, in a court?
would you, could you, just for sport?
no!
not just for sport!
not in this court!
i will not hear your reprimand!
i will not let you take the stand!
(i think i have a blog-crush on the apostropher.)
Posted by Cala | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 1:59 PM
[redacted]
Posted by [redacted] | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 2:00 PM
Who doesn't have a blog-crush on apostropher?
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 2:01 PM
Now here's a position I get to appoint
A brand new Justice goin' up in the joint
Gotta find me a right-wing minority
So the Dems can't find a way to fili-b
Clarence was sure good
To replace Thurgood
But I can do better than daddy {repeat as needed}
Alberto G looks like a lock
Needin' no warrant to put 'em in the dock
No time for habeas ok and maybe it's
No more Gideon and I'm not kiddin'
Ridin' cross the land, kickin' up sand
Lockin' em up with a firm remand
Or maybe I can find me an Eskimo
With politics that let her overturn Roe
Or an Asian against regulation --
A good Khmer who's keen on Lochner
Might make us happy, yo
But nothing could beat a High Court seat
And keep kulturkampfers cocksure
Like a closet-case who'd pull a volte-face
Junking Lawrence and keeping us pure
Posted by slolernr | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 2:02 PM
Who doesn't have a blog-crush on apostropher?
This guy.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 2:23 PM
That guy, is not a nice guy.
Posted by slolernr | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 2:26 PM
Wow. That there is a blog thread, yessiree.
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 2:27 PM
jane roe
bitch, i turn you over
ruth bader?
I did her, in the cloak room
me and nino done split her.
you don't like that?
I'm too black?
fuck you fucking honkies
honky say "judge thomas
I think you've demeaned the federalist society"
word up chump
it's my party, the token's on top
your ho loves the long dong
and my homies eat it up.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 2:28 PM
Yes, but he's an idiot.
Who among the intelligent does not have a blog-crush on the apostropher?
Sing, O Muse, of the man,
The man who was never at a loss -
always finding the crux of the cock joke, buried though it was
in an obscure link underneath the wine-dark seas of the Internet,
crying aloud mightily "I'm not named after the f*cking punctuation mark, already."
Posted by Cala | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 2:29 PM
Who among the intelligent
Yes, but to borrow from Adlai Stevenson, that's not enough; we need to win the election.
Posted by slolernr | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 2:30 PM
the apostropher is an elected position?
Posted by Cala | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 2:34 PM
Someone should start a firm called Fox and Socks:
In legalese these three pleas blew.
While these pleas blew, sleazy fees grew.
Sleazy fees made these three pleas sleaze.
Sleazy fees made these pleas' draftees sleaze.
That's what made these pleas' draftees partner.
Posted by eb | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 2:34 PM
the apostropher is an elected position?
Fuck (to oboe) no. I rule by a divine man-date.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 2:38 PM
but he is a man of many twists and turns.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 2:41 PM
And I thought I was near the good-taste boundary.
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 2:41 PM
100!
Posted by Cala | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 2:43 PM
but he is a man of many twists and turns.
Am I reading enough into this comment?
Posted by slolernr | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 2:43 PM
98 to 91, not to the Apo.
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 2:44 PM
Fuck! Premature commentation.
Posted by Cala | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 2:44 PM
eb, that pwns.
Posted by Cala | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 2:48 PM
Yeah, I might have gone a bit too far, but I was all blocked up until I decided to just be dirty, IYKWIM.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 2:50 PM
IOKIFYARapper, I guess.
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 2:53 PM
I think 91 scans better omitting line 4 (cloak room).
Otherwise, solid.
Posted by baa | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 3:00 PM
And speaking of transcending genre...
Posted by baa | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 3:02 PM
There's only one appropriate parody for Condoleezza Rice:
Rice, Rice, Baby
All right, hype, exaggerate, and heighten
Rice is back with a motive for the fightin'
Struttin', with her neocon bling
Fat Gold Cheney and a casus belli-button ring
Will she ever stop? Yo, she's on fire.
Promising cake, deliv'rin' quagmire
To the extreme, we're sackin' towns like the Vandals
Shock to the awe, and prison camps for the scandals
PNAC-paddywhack, prophesy doom,
Promise a cloud rising up like a mushroom
Deadly
Though the evidence vexes
Gap-tooth Yellowcake Rose of Texas
G to the O to the P, that's for life,
Look at the boss and pretend you're his wife
If there was a problem, yo, deny it;
Get you some cover from a friendly Fred Hiatt..
Rice, Rice, Baby…
Posted by Joe Drymala | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 3:08 PM
That is bizarre and transcendent. On a level with this.
Posted by slolernr | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 3:08 PM
Joe, that's awesome.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 3:12 PM
White boy rap I can do.
Posted by Joe Drymala | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 3:13 PM
Though the evidence vexes
Gap-tooth Yellowcake Rose of Texas
Outstanding!
Posted by baa | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 3:17 PM
Thanks, guys.
That took up way too much of my afternoon.
Posted by Joe Drymala | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 3:20 PM
Dude.
You are the man. The Ice man.
"Casus-belli button ring" is wonderful.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 3:24 PM
What I would give to see you all re-perform this at an open-mike night somewhere...
Posted by Michael | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 3:30 PM
I have killed unfogged. Damn.
Posted by Michael | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 5:03 PM
It was the collective shudder we all had at the thought of seeing each other in our full, fleshly dorkiness. Some are already on the path to recovery; some are lost for good.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 5:04 PM
I think Fontana looks like D'Angelo
Posted by baa | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 5:08 PM
Or does D'Angelo look like Fontana? Hmm?
I suspect we mostly resemble MC Paul Barman.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 5:47 PM
Maybe you do, apo. But there's room enough in this blog for two Jewish rappers.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 6:11 PM
So what the hell, are all y'all reading Heidegger, or what?
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 9:29 PM
Afterglow.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 9:31 PM
Maybe it was a mass landshark incident.
Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 11:20 PM
We saw the moment of our greatness flicker,
And saw the infernal lurkers read our jokes and snicker,
And in short, we were afraid.
Posted by eb | Link to this comment | 06-29-05 11:59 PM
There is a place where the comments end,
And before the posts begin,
And there the sass goes out of sight,
And there the puns turn out just right,
And there the posters stop for the night
To rest in the stillness therein.
Let us leave this place where the snark grows thick
And the long threads wind and bend.
Past the prompts where the inside jokes go
We shall type with a type that is measured and slow,
And click where the soft-white arrows go
To the place where the comments end.
Yes we'll type with a type that is measured and slow,
And we'll click where the soft-white arrows go,
For the pointer, it marks, and the pointer, it knows,
The place where the comments end.
Posted by eb | Link to this comment | 06-30-05 2:03 AM
The power goes out last night. I wake up this morning and discover I've helped create a genre. Stunning. Thank you all. I haven't laughed this hard in a while.
Posted by benton | Link to this comment | 06-30-05 5:50 AM
On the ride into work I came up with this for the Brett Kavanaugh judiciary hearings
Ken Starr used to be there to change your diaper
Now its time to pay the piper
From precedents, opinions you would cobble
but you are nothing but a baby with a bottle
You think jurisprudence is sucking (workplace edit)
Step back boy and go for your Glock.
Posted by benton | Link to this comment | 06-30-05 6:46 AM
How do you solve a problem like Scalia?
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 06-30-05 7:00 AM
Also, the redacted 42 had this moment of rare competence:
I put you punk-ass bitches in crisis
I'm unprecedented, fuck stare decisis
Thank you for your understanding.
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 04- 7-06 1:56 PM