It would be likely to lead to prosecution, strongly disapproved of by me, and somewhat funny to send her an envelope containing only confectioner's sugar.
On a less humorous note, this post reminded me that I need to write a real letter to someone else in a similar circumstance. I'm going to try to finish that before I leave work today.
First sentence: "I read in the Times today that you are in prison." Which allows us: "(But who believes everything they read in the Times these days?)"
My people tell me you're in prison. I was once almost in a similar situation. I learned that prison can be fun and safe, if you keep these tips in mind. Do you have any photos? 1. Learn how to keep secrets. Your new colleagues appreciate that.
Let's start over, with only ogged's and Ben's lines retained. Also, let's put letter lines in quotes to distinguish them from other comments. I am going to abstain, because my dove is so placid.
Having reported that the Maine was blown to smithereens by those greaseball Spaniard imperialists, wroth at America's failure to kowtow to their fading old-world splendor, I faced near certain jail time.
Unnamed sources close to high-level officials in the Justice Department have informed me on the condition of anonymity that you are going to be spending time in a set of rooms that, according to experts who, owing to the sensitive nature of the case, do not wish to be identified, potentially could function as a prison, or rather, as a location of mass incarceration.
This has the makings of a front-page story and I hope you treat it as such.
Our letter seems to be turning into a historical fiction short story.
This would be a great gimmick: stories in the form of letters to Judith Miller from historical/historical-fictional personages advising her on her plight, or just making chitchat with someone similarly situated. Joe, call your agent.
Come to that, it's a good rule for relationships. (Yes, I note there are plural partners, and someone should now feel free to say Automatic Teller Machine.)
But slol, since this isn't live, we can simultaneously discuss the direction in which our letter is heading at one level and contribute unquestioningly to it at the other.
Slol: Our narrator was a stringer for the Hearst machine writing from Cuba, escaping the clutches of the Spaniards through derring-do and/or bullying the lieutenant of his/her (it remains to be seen, does it not?) American embassy Marine guard platoon.
Yellow journalism (such as was involved in the reporting in the run-up to the Spanish-American war) was so called because of the Yellow Kid, one of the first if not the first talking American comic strip character. Also "Yellow Kid" is like "yellowcake".
Ah. If I had known these things I would have laughed. (Actually, I think I did know that at one point, but didn't have it stored close enough to the surfae for recall to happen.)
You do know that it's extremely hard to weaponize Yellow Kid. The Spaniards lacked the technological capacity; they must have been acting in the interests of a third party.
The fog of war is a dense one, and dangerous to soldiers and reporters alike. In order to distinguish myself from the combatants and ensure that the bullets, at least those that flew true, did not release me from my earthly vessel and send me into the unbearable darkness of some long night wherein I would be forced to repent the sins of my misspent youth, I dressed thusly and by this means avoided being mistaken for one who had agreed, by donning the garb of a military man, to make the ultimate sacrifice for love of country.
My people tell me you're in prison. I was once almost in a similar situation. Having reported that the Maine was blown to smithereens by those greaseball Spaniard imperialists, wroth at America's failure to kowtow to their fading old-world splendor, I faced near certain jail time. But I evaded my would-be captors, embedded myself with Roosevelt's Rough Riders, and made my way to the front at Cuba. The fog of war is a dense one, and dangerous to soldiers and reporters alike. In order to distinguish myself from the combatants and ensure that the bullets, at least those that flew true, did not release me from my earthly vessel and send me into the unbearable darkness of some long night wherein I would be forced to repent the sins of my misspent youth, I dressed thusly and by this means avoided being mistaken for one who had agreed, by donning the garb of a military man, to make the ultimate sacrifice for love of country. Purple monkey dishwasher
My people tell me you're in prison. I was once almost in a similar situation. I learned that prison can be fun and safe, if you keep these tips in mind. During sexual relations with your cellmate, the exchange of sexual relations is interdict. Further, using anything but the left hand is traif.
Hmm, as long as we're talking about changes in living arrangements, it looks like I and the missus-to-be will soon be decamping from NYC to Brussels for about the next four years.
Since the Unfogged readership seems to be a pretty cosmopolitan bunch, does anyone have any info or recommendations about Brussels, or Belgium and surrounding environs in general, that they'd like to share? Guidebook or other reading recommendations? Also, my French is pretty good, but how important do you think learning some Dutch (other than for the sheer fun of it) would be?
It would be likely to lead to prosecution, strongly disapproved of by me, and somewhat funny to send her an envelope containing only confectioner's sugar.
Posted by washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 2:14 PM
I might send her erotic poetry and sign it "Ahmed Chalabi".
Posted by Joe Drymala | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 2:21 PM
That's awesome, Joe!
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 2:25 PM
Yeah baybee!
Thank God for humor.
Posted by Tripp | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 2:43 PM
On a less humorous note, this post reminded me that I need to write a real letter to someone else in a similar circumstance. I'm going to try to finish that before I leave work today.
Posted by Joe Drymala | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 2:45 PM
If we each do one sentence, I think we can compose a pretty good letter to Judy.
Dear Ms. Miller,
My people tell me you're in prison.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 2:51 PM
Of course, those of us who come at the beginning will have greater influence on the course of the letter than those who come later!
I was once almost in a similar situation.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 2:53 PM
No, no, no. Ogged has started us off all wrong.
First sentence: "I read in the Times today that you are in prison." Which allows us: "(But who believes everything they read in the Times these days?)"
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 2:55 PM
I take that back. Either you play the game or you don't. Sorry about that ogged. Feel free to kill the above.
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 2:56 PM
I learned that prison can be fun and safe, if you keep these tips in mind.
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 3:00 PM
Do you have any photos?
Posted by Tripp | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 3:06 PM
If this reads disjointedly, please forgive me for throwing me down the stairs my shoes.
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 3:07 PM
1. Learn how to keep secrets. Your new colleagues appreciate that.
Posted by Michael | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 3:08 PM
You only get one, Bridgeplate.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 3:09 PM
So far we have:
Dear Ms. Miller,
My people tell me you're in prison. I was once almost in a similar situation. I learned that prison can be fun and safe, if you keep these tips in mind. Do you have any photos? 1. Learn how to keep secrets. Your new colleagues appreciate that.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 3:11 PM
12 was commentary.
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 3:11 PM
Can we come around again for another sentence?
Posted by Tripp | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 3:16 PM
No.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 3:18 PM
2. The first person to look at you funny, shiv 'em, else someone will report that you have WMDs and must be invaded (aka "made someone's bitch").
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 3:18 PM
I am very sorry I suggested anything listy. Listy bad.
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 3:20 PM
You want to throw down, Bridgeplate?
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 3:21 PM
3. Take the opportunity to introduce yourself to Jeebus; I think you'll find you like Him.
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 3:23 PM
I wasn't denigrating any particular item in the list. It's just that a list doesn't lend itself well to creative cooperation.
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 3:23 PM
Do you bite your thumb at me, sir?
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 3:24 PM
18-17 wasn't a real question. It was what I wanted in the letter.
Posted by Tripp | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 3:25 PM
This is a complete failure, isn't it?
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 3:26 PM
I am placid as a dove in liquid nitrogen.
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 3:27 PM
Let's start over, with only ogged's and Ben's lines retained. Also, let's put letter lines in quotes to distinguish them from other comments. I am going to abstain, because my dove is so placid.
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 3:30 PM
Good idea. Better to italicize the letter. Ok, we have:
Dear Ms. Miller,
My people tell me you're in prison. I was once almost in a similar situation.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 3:32 PM
Alright, SB, you're really trying to obtain my ruminant, aren't you? I say fie on your placid aggression.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 3:34 PM
Having reported that the Maine was blown to smithereens by those greaseball Spaniard imperialists, wroth at America's failure to kowtow to their fading old-world splendor, I faced near certain jail time.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 3:37 PM
Let it be noted that I have no idea why the voices in my head are making me write this way today, or try to tangle with our beloved Unca Standpipe.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 3:39 PM
31: Bitchin'.
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 3:43 PM
I heard that the Spaniards approached Hearst in an attempt to buy the Yellow Kid.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 3:46 PM
Dear Judith Miller,
Unnamed sources close to high-level officials in the Justice Department have informed me on the condition of anonymity that you are going to be spending time in a set of rooms that, according to experts who, owing to the sensitive nature of the case, do not wish to be identified, potentially could function as a prison, or rather, as a location of mass incarceration.
This has the makings of a front-page story and I hope you treat it as such.
Anonymouse
Posted by eb | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 3:52 PM
But I evaded my would-be captors, embedded myself with Roosevelt's Rough Riders, and made my way to the front at Cuba.
Posted by slolernr | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 3:56 PM
Now we're cooking with napalm!
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 3:57 PM
I'm not clear on the letter: why would someone be jailed for reporting what the
FoxHearst newspapers were reporting?Posted by eb | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 3:59 PM
One of the rules of improv is no questioning or contradicting statements, however absurd, made by one's partners.
Posted by slolernr | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 4:00 PM
Our letter seems to be turning into a historical fiction short story.
This would be a great gimmick: stories in the form of letters to Judith Miller from historical/historical-fictional personages advising her on her plight, or just making chitchat with someone similarly situated. Joe, call your agent.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 4:01 PM
Come to that, it's a good rule for relationships. (Yes, I note there are plural partners, and someone should now feel free to say Automatic Teller Machine.)
Posted by slolernr | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 4:02 PM
But slol, since this isn't live, we can simultaneously discuss the direction in which our letter is heading at one level and contribute unquestioningly to it at the other.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 4:04 PM
And, it would be very funny if improv comics panned each other's lines during a skit.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 4:05 PM
Who the would-be captors were would have had an effect on the portion of the letter that I am no longer inspired to write.
I'm reading actual handwritten 19th century letters right now. So there.
Posted by eb | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 4:06 PM
Why is no one praising 34 to the high heavens?
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 4:08 PM
Slol: Our narrator was a stringer for the Hearst machine writing from Cuba, escaping the clutches of the Spaniards through derring-do and/or bullying the lieutenant of his/her (it remains to be seen, does it not?) American embassy Marine guard platoon.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 4:10 PM
45: Because no one gets it/cares?
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 4:11 PM
46: rather, eb.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 4:11 PM
Yellow journalism (such as was involved in the reporting in the run-up to the Spanish-American war) was so called because of the Yellow Kid, one of the first if not the first talking American comic strip character. Also "Yellow Kid" is like "yellowcake".
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 4:21 PM
Ben, funny but involuted. Like Unfogged!
Ogged, I don't make up the rules, I just follow orders from the Vizier of Improvisateurs. O no! I have revealed our secrets...
Posted by slolernr | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 4:23 PM
Ah. If I had known these things I would have laughed. (Actually, I think I did know that at one point, but didn't have it stored close enough to the surfae for recall to happen.)
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 4:25 PM
You do know that it's extremely hard to weaponize Yellow Kid. The Spaniards lacked the technological capacity; they must have been acting in the interests of a third party.
Posted by eb | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 4:27 PM
time-travelling Saddam!! Oh noes!
Posted by Michael | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 4:29 PM
I'm convinced that "Well Hullygee Here's to You" means, "We are at or near the apex of a great civilization" in Hearstese.
Posted by slolernr | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 4:31 PM
time-travelling Saddam!! Oh noes!
Tie that non sequitourniquet tighter, Michael.
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 4:33 PM
I used to think non sequitors were funny. Then I ate some ice cream. I like ice cream.
Posted by eb | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 4:34 PM
Hey, Standpipe, it's tight, a'ight?
Posted by Michael | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 4:35 PM
Michael's comment makes sense though.
Posted by eb | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 4:35 PM
Michael needs to put it in italics. And have it make narrative sense.
Posted by slolernr | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 4:38 PM
The Yellow Kid isn't part of our letter yet, though.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 4:40 PM
Was that the premise behind 59? I was thinking it didn't make a slol lotta sense.
Posted by Michael | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 4:46 PM
yuk yuk yuk
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 4:52 PM
The fog of war is a dense one, and dangerous to soldiers and reporters alike. In order to distinguish myself from the combatants and ensure that the bullets, at least those that flew true, did not release me from my earthly vessel and send me into the unbearable darkness of some long night wherein I would be forced to repent the sins of my misspent youth, I dressed thusly and by this means avoided being mistaken for one who had agreed, by donning the garb of a military man, to make the ultimate sacrifice for love of country.
Posted by eb | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 4:54 PM
I seem to have ruined the letter.
Posted by eb | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 5:11 PM
Anyone wanna Photoshop "I was proved fucking right!" onto the Yellow Kid's apron? (Words may be in the wrong order.)
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 5:26 PM
Dear Ms. Miller,
My people tell me you're in prison. I was once almost in a similar situation. Having reported that the Maine was blown to smithereens by those greaseball Spaniard imperialists, wroth at America's failure to kowtow to their fading old-world splendor, I faced near certain jail time. But I evaded my would-be captors, embedded myself with Roosevelt's Rough Riders, and made my way to the front at Cuba. The fog of war is a dense one, and dangerous to soldiers and reporters alike. In order to distinguish myself from the combatants and ensure that the bullets, at least those that flew true, did not release me from my earthly vessel and send me into the unbearable darkness of some long night wherein I would be forced to repent the sins of my misspent youth, I dressed thusly and by this means avoided being mistaken for one who had agreed, by donning the garb of a military man, to make the ultimate sacrifice for love of country. Purple monkey dishwasher
Posted by washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 5:59 PM
Take care to avoid the bad apples.
Posted by Kriston | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 6:09 PM
Also, don't drop the soap -- it's a total cliche.
Posted by tom | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 6:24 PM
Dear Ms. Miller,
My people tell me you're in prison. I was once almost in a similar situation. I learned that prison can be fun and safe, if you keep these tips in mind. During sexual relations with your cellmate, the exchange of sexual relations is interdict. Further, using anything but the left hand is traif.
Posted by Michael | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 6:33 PM
sexual
relationsfluidsPosted by Michael | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 6:34 PM
I think I'll write one from Saddam Hussein.
("Whatever you do, don't just march around in your underwear.")
Posted by Toadmonster | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 6:54 PM
Hmm, as long as we're talking about changes in living arrangements, it looks like I and the missus-to-be will soon be decamping from NYC to Brussels for about the next four years.
Since the Unfogged readership seems to be a pretty cosmopolitan bunch, does anyone have any info or recommendations about Brussels, or Belgium and surrounding environs in general, that they'd like to share? Guidebook or other reading recommendations? Also, my French is pretty good, but how important do you think learning some Dutch (other than for the sheer fun of it) would be?
Posted by Mitch Mills | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 8:37 PM
66 almost reads like something from T. Herman Zweibel.
Posted by Todd | Link to this comment | 07- 8-05 10:39 PM
That thought occurred to me, too.
When do we start collaboratively writing the erotic poetry mentioned in #2?
Posted by tom | Link to this comment | 07- 9-05 8:48 AM