By shrew I meant the nagging thing, which I suppose one could accuse toddlers or slightly older of doing.
But by young I meant, I dunno, 16-25, someone whom you might date.
I really haven't met a woman 16-25 who does the nagging thing, and it seems a little young for the bitterness thing, too. But maybe they have been on their best behavior around me. For the most part they seem cheerful and happy, which is a very nice thing to be around.
Pedantry: I was told you should say "Congratulations" to Unf and "Best wishes" to fiancée. Possibly this is sexism, possibly realism. But: congratulations, Unf! Best wishes, to-be-Missus Unf!
While it is sexist, I think the sexism is fossilized and incomprehensible enough that it's pretty harmless by now. As I understand it, the theory is that it's insulting to imply that a woman wanted to marry -- she's supposed to have been innocently going about her business when some wonderful man swept her off her feet. So you give her "best wishes" on her marriage, but don't "congratulate" her, because congratulations imply that she accomplished something, that she wanted to get married and did it. The slut.
The man, on the other hand, is to be congratulated for having successfully won the affections of his future bride. He did something active, and is to be congratulated for it; she, on the other hand, mustn't be insulted by the implication that she did anything active.
So, the implications behind the rule are sexist (one wouldn't want to implicitly accuse a woman of deviating from her expected perfect passivity), but so weird and archaic that I don't think the rule actually conveys them to anyone.
I dunno LB, the active:passive::male:female rubrick seems pretty well alive, so I'm not sure the fact that most people don't know that that's what they're saying is much help.
You're right, I misspoke when I said the message is so archaic it's harmless. I just think that the rule is archaic and incomprehensible enough that it doesn't harmfully convey that message any more -- anyone who gets it on that level probably does so because they've thought a lot about gender issues, and so it's not doing them any harm.
(Although I did give Unf my best wishes rather than congratulations partially because I wanted to disobey the rule.)
I agree with ogged; the distinction somehow ties into the very much alive and well notion that women are the ones who desire marriage, and men seek to escape it--so that it's impolite to congratulate the woman, which acknowledges her desire. Or something like that. Anyway, it can't be good.
When I read the "Congratulations"/"Best Wishes" distinction, I assumed it played into some sort of "Doofus Guy" thing; the guy is to be congratulated for getting something he shouldn't have expected (a woman to agree to marry him) and the woman is offered best wishes because she'll need them (marriage is not a good deal for women). I'm not saying that's the obvious reading, but I guess I don't think the sexism is self-evident either.
General unoffensive and non-specific well wishes directed towards Unf and Unf's bride-to-be.
I don't see see a difference between SCMT's interpretation and LB's. In both, the man has achieved something, and the woman is the thing that he has achieved.
I agree with SB that that interpretation wouldn't be any less sexist. The beauty of the 'doofus guy' stereotype is that it's harmful and degrading to both sexes simultaneously. Men! You're hapless jerks, biologically incapable of understanding or controlling your emotions or your bodily functions. Women! Because men are so useless, you're responsible for controlling and civilizing them. If you expect decent behavior from them other than under compulsion, you're an unrealistic manhater. If they screw stuff up because you didn't control them properly, it's your fault; on the other hand, if you're heavy handed about it, you're a nasty bitch.
Yeah, I shouldn't have said it wasn't sexist. Believe it or not, I actually realized that before I posted the comment; I was just too tired to care. I do think it's de minimus, though.
Also, per frathaus rules: sexy, what's wrong with being sexy?
Yay! Congratulations, Unf.
Who's Unf?
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 5:50 AM
And does his fiancée know he wants to put his locus in your locus?
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 6:24 AM
It's recycled joke day.
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 6:27 AM
It's recycled joke day.
Tripp should be by any minute with the one about prom night in Iowa.
Congratulations, Unf. I hope to see photos of Ogged and Bob in bridesmaid dresses.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 6:56 AM
Congrats, unf.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 7:05 AM
I hope to see photos of Ogged and Bob in bridesmaid dresses.
Hope, schmope.
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 7:13 AM
Cool! Yay Unf!
Posted by Cala | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 7:28 AM
Congrats, Unf! Do you think the recent post-flurry was pre-proposal jitters?
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 7:41 AM
I get the sense that saying "congratulations, unf" in the comments is a bit like saying it in my office, but still. Congratulations.
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 7:46 AM
Congrats, Unf! Although I hope the universe balances this out by making you bald.
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 7:50 AM
9: it's a purely ceremonial utterance.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 8:05 AM
Best wishes!
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 8:10 AM
Tripp should be by any minute with the one about prom night in Iowa.
At least I have one to tell. Besides, I repeated it for the new members here. They all like me.
Congratulations Unf, and Good luck to Unf->fiance.
Posted by Tripp | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 8:13 AM
Congratulations Unf, and Good luck to Unf->fiance.
Nerd.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 8:31 AM
Tripp dereferenced Unf's pointer?
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 8:35 AM
Good luck, Unf!
Posted by Joe Drymala | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 8:37 AM
I feel like it would be better to congratulate *Unf, and wish good luck to *(Unf->fiance).
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 8:39 AM
They all like me.
I like you too, Tripp. Just the way you are.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 8:45 AM
"fiance"? Now Unf is gay too?
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 8:46 AM
Nerd
Sesquipedalian pedant.
And she's not even a shrew.
Out of fairness - no one starts out that way.
Posted by Tripp | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 8:50 AM
Out of fairness - no one starts out that way.
False.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 8:54 AM
Congrats, Unf. It's the best thing you'll ever do.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 9:01 AM
Out of fairness I will agree that my global statement is easily disproved by a single counter-example, so you are probably correct.
But
Have you really met a young lady who from the very start acts as a shrew?
Wow.
Posted by Tripp | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 9:03 AM
How young is young? I haven't met many shrewish toddlers (though even then, you can see it coming in some of them).
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 9:06 AM
You haven't met many toddlers, have you, Ogged?
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 9:44 AM
I thought "shrew" was a synonym for "toddler".
Posted by Cala | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 9:56 AM
Maybe we can have 200 comments about how I use "shrew" idiosyncratically.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 9:58 AM
o-shrew?
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 9:58 AM
"Shrews" rhymes with "terrible twos."
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 11:00 AM
By shrew I meant the nagging thing, which I suppose one could accuse toddlers or slightly older of doing.
But by young I meant, I dunno, 16-25, someone whom you might date.
I really haven't met a woman 16-25 who does the nagging thing, and it seems a little young for the bitterness thing, too. But maybe they have been on their best behavior around me. For the most part they seem cheerful and happy, which is a very nice thing to be around.
Posted by Tripp | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 11:35 AM
Congratulations, guy-who-is-known-as-Unf!
Posted by Michael | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 11:38 AM
Pedantry: I was told you should say "Congratulations" to Unf and "Best wishes" to fiancée. Possibly this is sexism, possibly realism. But: congratulations, Unf! Best wishes, to-be-Missus Unf!
Posted by slolernr | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 11:49 AM
I've never heard that, and don't think I like it.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 11:50 AM
Possibly it was like Steve Martin teaching kids to say, "May I mambo dogface to the banana patch?"
Posted by slolernr | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 11:54 AM
ogged,
I've heard "Congratulations" (groom) and "Good Luck" (bride)." Yes, it is archaic and sexist.
Posted by Tripp | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 11:55 AM
I've heard it too, and don't like it. Though it is used humorously toward the end of Leave it to Psmith.
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 11:55 AM
As usual, Jews rule: Mazel Tov nicely covers both meanings.
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 11:56 AM
While it is sexist, I think the sexism is fossilized and incomprehensible enough that it's pretty harmless by now. As I understand it, the theory is that it's insulting to imply that a woman wanted to marry -- she's supposed to have been innocently going about her business when some wonderful man swept her off her feet. So you give her "best wishes" on her marriage, but don't "congratulate" her, because congratulations imply that she accomplished something, that she wanted to get married and did it. The slut.
The man, on the other hand, is to be congratulated for having successfully won the affections of his future bride. He did something active, and is to be congratulated for it; she, on the other hand, mustn't be insulted by the implication that she did anything active.
So, the implications behind the rule are sexist (one wouldn't want to implicitly accuse a woman of deviating from her expected perfect passivity), but so weird and archaic that I don't think the rule actually conveys them to anyone.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 12:02 PM
I dunno LB, the active:passive::male:female rubrick seems pretty well alive, so I'm not sure the fact that most people don't know that that's what they're saying is much help.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 12:05 PM
You're right, I misspoke when I said the message is so archaic it's harmless. I just think that the rule is archaic and incomprehensible enough that it doesn't harmfully convey that message any more -- anyone who gets it on that level probably does so because they've thought a lot about gender issues, and so it's not doing them any harm.
(Although I did give Unf my best wishes rather than congratulations partially because I wanted to disobey the rule.)
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 12:16 PM
I agree with ogged; the distinction somehow ties into the very much alive and well notion that women are the ones who desire marriage, and men seek to escape it--so that it's impolite to congratulate the woman, which acknowledges her desire. Or something like that. Anyway, it can't be good.
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 12:16 PM
When I read the "Congratulations"/"Best Wishes" distinction, I assumed it played into some sort of "Doofus Guy" thing; the guy is to be congratulated for getting something he shouldn't have expected (a woman to agree to marry him) and the woman is offered best wishes because she'll need them (marriage is not a good deal for women). I'm not saying that's the obvious reading, but I guess I don't think the sexism is self-evident either.
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 12:36 PM
That was my interpretation, too, but I think it's no less sexist.
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 12:38 PM
General unoffensive and non-specific well wishes directed towards Unf and Unf's bride-to-be.
I don't see see a difference between SCMT's interpretation and LB's. In both, the man has achieved something, and the woman is the thing that he has achieved.
Posted by washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 12:48 PM
I agree with SB that that interpretation wouldn't be any less sexist. The beauty of the 'doofus guy' stereotype is that it's harmful and degrading to both sexes simultaneously. Men! You're hapless jerks, biologically incapable of understanding or controlling your emotions or your bodily functions. Women! Because men are so useless, you're responsible for controlling and civilizing them. If you expect decent behavior from them other than under compulsion, you're an unrealistic manhater. If they screw stuff up because you didn't control them properly, it's your fault; on the other hand, if you're heavy handed about it, you're a nasty bitch.
Something for everyone to be offended by.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 12:49 PM
Yes, by all means, let's be proper. Will Unf be wearing white so that he matches the rest of the kitchen appliances?
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 12:52 PM
Both bride and groom should don black spandex for the duration of the ceremony, which should be held under cover of darkness.
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 12:57 PM
Spandex, or latex?
And I have to stop commenting -- this draft has to be in shape by four.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 1:00 PM
Racist.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 1:00 PM
Yeah, I shouldn't have said it wasn't sexist. Believe it or not, I actually realized that before I posted the comment; I was just too tired to care. I do think it's de minimus, though.
Also, per frathaus rules: sexy, what's wrong with being sexy?
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 1:03 PM
Do you, slinky Vader, take slinky Vader to be your lawfully slinky Vader?
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 1:08 PM
No, no, 'er. The question is whether the bride will wear white to match the appliances. She'll be the one using them, after all.
Posted by Cala | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 1:09 PM
I dunno, Unf is supposed to be Charlie Trotter's doppelganger.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 1:20 PM
Maybe so, apostropher, but his cuisine is lacking.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 3:36 PM
Only if you don't like hot rancid ass.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 07-12-05 3:44 PM