Damn Rabbits (Unfogged)

Just print out all of Wolfson's comments, show them to her, and say that's what you want your son to be like.

Posted by Michael | Link to this comment | 09- 2-05 5:05 PM

Only child? That explains so much. You should just append that to your more controversial opinions from now on.

Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 09- 2-05 5:18 PM

Children are vile little puke-drool-and-crap-factories. Only the mentally diseased have them on purpose.

Posted by Isle of Toads | Link to this comment | 09- 2-05 5:20 PM

Is this where we acquired you, Toads?

Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 09- 2-05 5:21 PM

On second though, I shouldn't pick on Wolfson when he's not here.

No one else though has quite that mixture of ultrapickiness and the odd and esoteric to make the mental image as funny, though, so I withdraw the suggestion.

Posted by Michael | Link to this comment | 09- 2-05 5:30 PM

Wow. That's pretty fucked up. This still has no bearing on the objective fact that babies are truly and horribly gross.

Posted by Isle of Toads | Link to this comment | 09- 2-05 5:32 PM

Or print out my comments and tell her I'm your model for a father.

Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 09- 2-05 5:41 PM

She will not be persuaded.

Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 09- 2-05 5:42 PM

7: comments? Just show her the mullet.

Posted by Michael | Link to this comment | 09- 2-05 5:45 PM

Isle of Toads, I don't know why you think babies are gross.

Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 09- 2-05 5:46 PM

Holy mashed peaches, that's a cute kid.

Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 09- 2-05 5:47 PM

See, it's not just things like that that bother me, apostropher. It's the notion that once I have a gross, puke-producing baby, all my various hormones and brain-chemicals and whatnot will kick in and go crazy and make me find the puke and the gross utterly fascinating and adorable. There's a body snatcher quality about it all: don't have babies, or you could wake up changed.

Posted by Isle of Toads | Link to this comment | 09- 2-05 5:52 PM

neat eyes.

Posted by Michael | Link to this comment | 09- 2-05 5:53 PM

This is entirely a problem I have with babies, incidentally, and not kids in general. I have a niece and a nephew, ages 8 and 10 respectively, that I get on just fine with. But oh, how they terrified me as babies.

Posted by Isle of Toads | Link to this comment | 09- 2-05 5:55 PM

I noticed a few weeks ago that my step-sister wouldn't let me hold her baby. I wondered if I seem like the sort of person likely to drop her.

Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 09- 2-05 6:01 PM

find the puke and the gross utterly fascinating and adorable

Uh, no, can't say I've ever found puke adorable. Luckily, they are just cute enough to keep you from tying them in a bag and tossing them in a river. 'Cause without the cute, they're just noisy disease-carriers.

Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 09- 2-05 6:02 PM

Becoming a father only takes a few seconds. I don't see the problem. You can hire a surrogate and park the baby permanently with your mother, being careful to send Christmas and birthday cards to both.

Posted by John Emerson | Link to this comment | 09- 2-05 6:11 PM

That seems reasonable enough. Then you can borrow-slash-rent the kid back for select visits with your mom.

Posted by Isle of Toads | Link to this comment | 09- 2-05 6:17 PM

I don't see the problem.

You might have to see it being born and be unable to perform thereafter. I think we've covered this already.

Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 09- 2-05 6:18 PM

Realistically, it may take a considerable number of three-second tries, though the skilled use of a turkey-baster can reduce the painful effort required.

If the ogged's mother wants the kid so much, she can take care of it herself. She may very well agree to that deal. My two sisters are planning to seize one sister's grandson from my niece, the birth mother.

Posted by John Emerson | Link to this comment | 09- 2-05 7:44 PM

I have warned the niece and am not in any way implicated.

Posted by John Emerson | Link to this comment | 09- 2-05 8:17 PM

I noticed a few weeks ago that my step-sister wouldn't let me hold her baby. I wondered if I seem like the sort of person likely to drop her.

I nearly dropped a baby somewhere in Greece once. Hands were needed and the baby was handed off to me for some reason, and I panicked. I may have said something like "I don't know what to do with this thing!", but I can't remember.

Fortunately disaster was averted.

Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 09- 2-05 8:50 PM

Did you find Zizka?

Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 09- 2-05 9:22 PM

Alas no. In an effort to drive from Seattle to SF in one day, we didn't stop in Portland at all.

Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 09- 2-05 9:34 PM

Did you make it? And who's "we?"

Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 09- 2-05 9:36 PM

We did, after 17 hours on the road. "We" is me and the person with whom I drove out here from Chicago by way of Seattle.

Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 09- 2-05 9:39 PM

My friends are all starting families now. It's very weird; I'm happy for them and their babies are adorable, but it does change their priorities weirdly.

Apo, your carrot-covered baby is adorable.

Posted by Cala | Link to this comment | 09- 2-05 9:40 PM

Wow, long day, Ben. Hope you can get some rest.

Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 09- 2-05 9:41 PM

Oh, well, that was yesterday. Today was mostly spent getting a blister in SF. For want of some moleskin, etc.

Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 09- 2-05 9:56 PM

You're days are numbered Ogged. We are inviting your mom over for lunch on Sunday and I am going to make it a point to always steer the discussion around when you are going to settle down and have kids yourself.

Posted by D | Link to this comment | 09- 2-05 11:31 PM

You know I won't give in to pressure, but I'm sure it'll amuse you to cause my poor mother more grief.

Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 09- 2-05 11:34 PM

Can't you ever do anything nice for your mom for once. You're so damn selfish.

Posted by D | Link to this comment | 09- 3-05 12:07 AM

"Have sex for mom," it'll be my new slogan.

Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 09- 3-05 12:09 AM

Zizka is at an undisclosed, non-Portland location.

Ogged's mom should find him a wife from the old country. According to something I read on the net, they all look like Angelina Jolie. They're liberated by old-country standards, but glad to escape and relatively submissive.

Also -- during the 3-year waiting period, you can have them deported if they act up.

Posted by John Emerson | Link to this comment | 09- 3-05 7:01 AM

Practice sentence:

"Mom, the wife and I are going to the Burning Man festival to do some swapping and experimentation. Could you take the kid for a few weeks?"

Posted by John Emerson | Link to this comment | 09- 3-05 8:30 AM

I'm ahead of you on this one, John.

Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 09- 3-05 9:29 AM

Thank you for the info!

Posted by Mond | Link to this comment | 09-16-05 5:13 AM

wine

beer wine liquor

wine rack