So yesterday I managed to get the whole sign-off team to AGREE on the wording for the press release, and VP of Clinical said that I always do a great job!
To be really pedantic, there was nothing wrong with the punctuation of apostropher's comment. Furthermore, you seem not to have ended your own sentence, bitch.
We all know that I'm a little bitch. What I am has been settled. Why not move on to the more interesting question of why I'm a little bitch? Or consider my modality, for instance: must I be a little bitch, or is my little bitchiness contingent? Might I have been more or less of a little bitch had things gone otherwise in the past?
"Usage Note: People have been using the noun quote as a truncation of quotation for over 100 years, and its use in less formal contexts is widespread today. Language critics have objected to this usage, however, as unduly journalistic or breezy. As such, it is best avoided in more formal situations. The Usage Panel, at least, shows more tolerance for the word as the informality of the situation increases. Thus, only 38 percent of Panelists accept the example He began the chapter with a quote from the Bible, but the percentage rises to 53 when the source of the quotation is less serious: He lightened up his talk by throwing in quotes from Marx Brothers movies."
Unfortunately, the quotation is from Franklin and not Labs, else I'd be 53% in the clear, rather than merely 38%.
Not all nonstandard grammar is mistaken grammar of the sort that is susceptible to correction.
The College Board would disagree. We are not going for artistic merit here. Mindless conformity, people, come on! If I can't read your essay in under 3 minutes, I'm taking points off.
Your little bitchness is essential, b-wo. Without it, Hubert Humphrey would win the election and we couldn't tell Nixon apart from a light switch or the man drinking the non-existent champagne.
"We all know that I'm a little bitch. What I am has been settled. Why not move on to the more interesting question of why I'm a little bitch? Or consider my modality, for instance: must I be a little bitch, or is my little bitchiness contingent? Might I have been more or less of a little bitch had things gone otherwise in the past?"
--Benjamin Wolfson, "Rules for making oneself such a little bitch"
Ben Franklin, also a member of the Swimming Hall of Fame.
I take it you were referring to the International Swimming Hall of Fame, but he's also in the Pennsylvania Swimming Hall of Fame and the United States Swim Schools Association Hall of Fame. He's also a member of the World Chess Hall of Fame, and ten other halls of fame. Let's face it, he rocks.
He's also in the "Make an ugly woman your wife" Hall of Fame. He was a non-looksist in his choice of sexual partners, and a spokesman for non-looksism.
The age of consent then was probably 12, so the question doesn't come up. However, his reasons for preferring ugly women seems to also mean he'd prefer older women. He was into conversation and shit like that.
One of his lady friends in France was quite young, if not actually underage (by today's standards, at least). I'm pretty sure he went after her mother too, though it's possible I'm mixing people up. He certainly made the rounds when he was over there.
42: Attractive women can be good conversationalists. Or is it simply that men are too stupefied in their presence to engage with what they have to say?
How did he feel about boning the underage (or at what age underagedness begins), that's what I want to know.
He opposed it, explaining in a letter to a friend that, "The debauching of a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy." and "The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections." He advocating boning women over 45 instead.
Frederick, that doesn't really answer the question, although it is an interesting letter. He might have thought that it was entirely appropriate to marry the "underage," and therefore that boning them within marriage was entirely appropriate.
My 47 is inaccurate. Franklin advocated boning "old women," explaining as one reason for this, "Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc'd may be attended with much Inconvenience." The "over 45" is the gloss given to Franklin's statement by the person who put up the link I gave in 47. Actually, it is possible, if improbable, for women over 45 to have kids -- one out of every 2,500 live births in the U.S. last time I looked. Dunno how many of those were technologically assisted, as Elizabeth Edwards' last pregnancy (she gave birth at age 50) was.
Ben knew all about the Inconvenience of "irregularly produc'd" children. His love child became a Royalist, and was imprisoned for that during the Revolutionary War.
He might have thought that it was entirely appropriate to marry the "underage," and therefore that boning them within marriage was entirely appropriate.
True, although wolfson's reference to "boning" to me implied non-marital sex. Of course Franklin thought it was fine to bone one's wife.
I read that Franklin defended his pursuit of older women with the quip "in the dark, all cats are gray".
Yes, that's in paragraph 5 of the letter to which I linked in 47.
46 / 42. My point is that by and large, 16 year olds are not good conversationalists, and that conversation was one of his positive criteria. Ugly women are as good at conversation as attractive women, and some are better.
OTOH, while he was being wined and dined in Paris, he refused to send his daughter French lace for a formal party, telling her snarkily that if she wore her cambric ruffles long enough they would look like lace, and implying that she was unpatriotic for wanting to wear anything but plain homely clothes.
Which makes him an insufferable little bitch, says I.
You can have your Washingtons, your Jeffersons, and your Madisons. All great men, to be sure. But for my money, the greatest of them all was Benjamin Franklin, my favorite founding father and the first great American liberal: an outstanding humanist, brilliant scientist, and incomparable statesman; a man who could run a postal service, a small business, or a legislature with equal ease — and who'd be happy to share a friendly beer with you after he was done.
Happy 300th Birthday, Ben! We could use a few more like you these days.
Saith BPhD:
Which makes him an insufferable little bitch, says I.
He treated his wife like shit, too. And I've already alluded to his great (not!) relationship with his son. I didn't say he was perfect.
No, "would of been" is correct. "Would" is a subjunctive form of "will", and in a sentence such as "James would of been happy to see Edna", what's being asserted is that the content of James' (unfulfilled!) will is to see Edna. Similarly, the sentence "James will see Edna" is a contracted form of "James has a will of seeing Edna" or (if you like) "James wills seeing Edna". The futurity enters because willings are always directed towards future events.
ben did not deserve to see them, b. The way to get back at him would be to show them to someone more empathetic, with a quick, monosyllibic handle, and rock hard abdominal muscles.
#63: It was never a question of Ben's deserving them, although clearly he did not. It was a question of me agreeing to send the pic to Ben in exchange for Michael using my Amazon link to buy his new laptop. Because I am a pathetic penny-grubbing whore, basically.
BPhd, your anonymity will not be harmed if you flash us, unless you have the habit of flashing your students and colleagues too, and even then only if they also bear an identifying mark, such as an AC/DC tattoo, or the face of Christ.
John, there are plenty of people who know who I actually am. And I suspect there are a few who suspect. And god forbid I ever get outed and there's a link to my naked tits on teh internets.
B, perhaps you could post someone else's tits as yours, and then if it ever becomes an issue, explain that they weren't really yours and flash the investigating committee to prove it. After they see the AC/DC tattoo they'll believe you.
The key question here -- how does Ben know they're really Bitch's tits? Couldn't she have found a picture online, with the head conveniently cropped off, or some kind of object obscuring her head?
"It was a convention among the metrosexuals of the first century of the third milleniumto patch over awkward conversational silences with stereotyped comments about bestiality, the way earlier generations had talked about sports and the weather".
No worries. Someday I'll get drunk again and email pictures of my tits to all of you, if only to make myself a disagreeable companion by trying to engross the conversation.
Oh, and on the subject of bestiality, I'll let on that the sensation of mice crawling around inside one's shirt is actually quite pleasant, in a trailing-fingers-goosebumpy kind of way.
Once you've raised a kid pee no longer bothers you.
When Keegan was just starting to talk, I used to get in the tub with him for baths because it was easier on the back than leaning over the edge. We often played a game where I'd stick my face in the water, then come up and he'd laugh. Then he'd stick his face in the water and come up and laugh. He was easily entertained.
Anyhow, one night I come up and he laughs and I say "Your turn!" He gives me a very serious, frowny look and says no. So I dunk my face again, and he just cackles.
Mr. B. and PK go out after dark to walk to the store to get cookies for pre-menstrual or otherwise cranky me. Mr. B. doesn't bother putting on shoes; he is wearing slippers. He steps in dog poo, swears, tries wiping it off, doesn't have a lot of luck, leans down to pull off the slipper and scrape it on the curb, puts his hand in poo.
PK (just starting to talk): Papa, you stepped in poop?
I took baths with my two sisters when I was little. When I was about four my two-year-old sister pooped in the tub and then smiled the happiest smile you could ever imagine. I still tease her about it.
well, I actually thought it was funny, and was originally going to type HAHAHA, so I was actually more making fun of myself for not having anything better to say.
Nah, I don't have a beef with those who are helpfully lowering the population count and thereby possibly ensuring that PK and his offspring will have enough to eat for a few more months.
The personal info is behaving strangely. Every time I open a comment window without commenting (and without checking off the "Remember info?" box), it erases one line of my personal info, starting at the bottom. I liked the old way, when it would remember my personal info no matter whether I checked it or not -- or maybe you could try a system where the box stays checked.
(I use the latest Firefox, on Windows XP. My sign is Cancer.)
When my firstborn was about six or so she came home from school feeling sick. I held her quitely while we watched "The Lion King" and she went 'cough, cough, BARF!!' It was a stream of bright red projectile vomit that spewed a few feet directly in front of us before falling to the floor. We both sat there dumbfounded for a moment or two before I sprinted with her to the bathroom. The second and final spew showered the bathroom wall and floor. The vomit was bright red from the Fruit Punch and Fruit Rollups she had eaten.
Shudder.
I'm with Bphd. Raising kids toughens you up for a lot of things.
Oh man. I have a great vomit clean-up story, that ends up with me almost getting my ass kicked for being a nice guy. The question is, should I put it in the comments here, or post drive visitors to my blog?
Missing a period at the end of the quote.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 12:21 PM
It would have been genius if I'd planned that.
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 12:26 PM
"would of been"
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 12:27 PM
So yesterday I managed to get the whole sign-off team to AGREE on the wording for the press release, and VP of Clinical said that I always do a great job!
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 12:31 PM
Then I went home and saw my hot wife, and beautiful, giggling daughter, and cooked a gourmet meal.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 12:32 PM
Over dinner, I was oh, so witty!
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 12:32 PM
Missing a period at the end of the quote.
Actually, s/b "quotation."
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 12:47 PM
To be really pedantic, there was nothing wrong with the punctuation of apostropher's comment. Furthermore, you seem not to have ended your own sentence, bitch.
Typographical conventions be damned!
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 1:24 PM
The final sentence of those rules is quite amusing -- a call to be unpleasant on altruistic grounds.
Posted by Jeremy Osner | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 1:27 PM
"Typographical conventions be damned!"
s/b, "I'm a little bitch."
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 1:29 PM
I see Wolfson is heeding the call.
Posted by Jeremy Osner | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 1:31 PM
s/b, "I'm a little bitch."
We all know that I'm a little bitch. What I am has been settled. Why not move on to the more interesting question of why I'm a little bitch? Or consider my modality, for instance: must I be a little bitch, or is my little bitchiness contingent? Might I have been more or less of a little bitch had things gone otherwise in the past?
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 1:34 PM
Ben Franklin was a great American -- the greatest American, IMO. But since when is he the "father of his country"?
Posted by Frederick | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 1:37 PM
Apostropher is the greatest American!
Posted by Tia | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 1:39 PM
But since when is he the "father of his country"?
Ever since the famous incident in which he asked George Washinton "Who's your daddy? C'mon! Tell me! Who's your daddy?"
Posted by My Alter Ego | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 1:41 PM
Apostropher: great American or greatest American?
Posted by Becks | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 1:42 PM
Or we could discuss the ineluctable modality of the little bitch: at least that if no more, thought
through my eyes.
My guess is, it's because you won't go to Sandymount with me, is why.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 1:42 PM
Washinton s/b Washington
Posted by My Alter Ego | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 1:43 PM
Unfortunately, the quotation is from Franklin and not Labs, else I'd be 53% in the clear, rather than merely 38%.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 1:46 PM
"Yes." I said, "Yes." I said, "Yes, I will. Yes."
Nitpick that, bitchaz.
Posted by Tia | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 1:49 PM
Apostropher is the hero. Apostropher may be the greatest American. But apostropher is not the greatest American hero.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 1:50 PM
Nitpick that, bitchaz.
New assignment: correct all non-standard grammar in Joyce's writing. You have one hour.
Posted by Matt F | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 1:54 PM
Apostropher is the hero.
So it's you leaving spam over on the Options thread! I shoulda known. Very informativity.
Posted by Jeremy Osner | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 1:57 PM
Not all nonstandard grammar is mistaken grammar of the sort that is susceptible to correction. You lose!
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 1:57 PM
Nitpick that, bitchaz.
Noted.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 1:59 PM
Not all nonstandard grammar is mistaken grammar of the sort that is susceptible to correction.
The College Board would disagree. We are not going for artistic merit here. Mindless conformity, people, come on! If I can't read your essay in under 3 minutes, I'm taking points off.
Posted by Matt F | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 2:21 PM
"Yes." I said, "Yes." I said, "Yes, I will. Yes."
-Yes, I said. Yes, I said. Yes I will. Yes.
Posted by eb | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 2:23 PM
"-" s/b "--"
Posted by eb | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 2:24 PM
Are you thinking of that idiotic article in the Atlantic Monthly some time ago, perchance? That article was pretty idiotic.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 2:24 PM
eb is the hero.
Posted by Joe Drymala | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 2:24 PM
28 needs a period at the end.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 2:25 PM
--That is nitpicking.
Hooray! Ay! Whrrwhee!
--What?
--A shout in the street.
Posted by eb | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 2:26 PM
No, I'm just referring to the way they tell us to grade essays in the SAT class I teach. I have a little checklist. Didn't read the Atlantic article.
Posted by Matt F | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 2:27 PM
Your little bitchness is essential, b-wo. Without it, Hubert Humphrey would win the election and we couldn't tell Nixon apart from a light switch or the man drinking the non-existent champagne.
Posted by Cala | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 2:29 PM
"We all know that I'm a little bitch. What I am has been settled. Why not move on to the more interesting question of why I'm a little bitch? Or consider my modality, for instance: must I be a little bitch, or is my little bitchiness contingent? Might I have been more or less of a little bitch had things gone otherwise in the past?"
--Benjamin Wolfson, "Rules for making oneself such a little bitch"
Posted by My Alter Ego | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 2:32 PM
Might I have been more or less of a little bitch had things gone otherwise in the past?
I've been waiting for speculation on this.
Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 2:35 PM
Ben Franklin was a great American -- the greatest American, IMO. But since when is he the "father of his country"?
The country in question is France.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 2:37 PM
Ben Franklin, also a member of the Swimming Hall of Fame.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 2:42 PM
Ben Franklin, also a member of the Swimming Hall of Fame.
I take it you were referring to the International Swimming Hall of Fame, but he's also in the Pennsylvania Swimming Hall of Fame and the United States Swim Schools Association Hall of Fame. He's also a member of the World Chess Hall of Fame, and ten other halls of fame. Let's face it, he rocks.
Posted by Frederick | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 3:01 PM
He's also in the "Make an ugly woman your wife" Hall of Fame. He was a non-looksist in his choice of sexual partners, and a spokesman for non-looksism.
No report on his verdict on bestiality.
Posted by John Emerson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 3:12 PM
How did he feel about boning the underage (or at what age underagedness begins), that's what I want to know.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 3:14 PM
The age of consent then was probably 12, so the question doesn't come up. However, his reasons for preferring ugly women seems to also mean he'd prefer older women. He was into conversation and shit like that.
Posted by John Emerson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 3:17 PM
One of his lady friends in France was quite young, if not actually underage (by today's standards, at least). I'm pretty sure he went after her mother too, though it's possible I'm mixing people up. He certainly made the rounds when he was over there.
Posted by Matt F | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 3:18 PM
43: hence 37.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 3:19 PM
That was John Fund, and he went after the mother first, when the daughter was about 3.
Posted by John Emerson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 3:20 PM
42: Attractive women can be good conversationalists. Or is it simply that men are too stupefied in their presence to engage with what they have to say?
Posted by Bostoniangirl | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 3:21 PM
How did he feel about boning the underage (or at what age underagedness begins), that's what I want to know.
He opposed it, explaining in a letter to a friend that, "The debauching of a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy." and "The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections." He advocating boning women over 45 instead.
Posted by Frederick | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 3:24 PM
Frederick, that doesn't really answer the question, although it is an interesting letter. He might have thought that it was entirely appropriate to marry the "underage," and therefore that boning them within marriage was entirely appropriate.
Posted by Bostoniangirl | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 3:29 PM
I read that Franklin defended his pursuit of older women with the quip "in the dark, all cats are gray".
Posted by Becks | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 3:33 PM
My 47 is inaccurate. Franklin advocated boning "old women," explaining as one reason for this, "Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc'd may be attended with much Inconvenience." The "over 45" is the gloss given to Franklin's statement by the person who put up the link I gave in 47. Actually, it is possible, if improbable, for women over 45 to have kids -- one out of every 2,500 live births in the U.S. last time I looked. Dunno how many of those were technologically assisted, as Elizabeth Edwards' last pregnancy (she gave birth at age 50) was.
Ben knew all about the Inconvenience of "irregularly produc'd" children. His love child became a Royalist, and was imprisoned for that during the Revolutionary War.
Posted by Frederick | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 3:35 PM
He might have thought that it was entirely appropriate to marry the "underage," and therefore that boning them within marriage was entirely appropriate.
True, although wolfson's reference to "boning" to me implied non-marital sex. Of course Franklin thought it was fine to bone one's wife.
I read that Franklin defended his pursuit of older women with the quip "in the dark, all cats are gray".
Yes, that's in paragraph 5 of the letter to which I linked in 47.
Posted by Frederick | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 3:40 PM
46 / 42. My point is that by and large, 16 year olds are not good conversationalists, and that conversation was one of his positive criteria. Ugly women are as good at conversation as attractive women, and some are better.
Posted by John Emerson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 3:43 PM
Ah, Becks, only now do I understand your cleverness.
Posted by eb | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 3:46 PM
OTOH, while he was being wined and dined in Paris, he refused to send his daughter French lace for a formal party, telling her snarkily that if she wore her cambric ruffles long enough they would look like lace, and implying that she was unpatriotic for wanting to wear anything but plain homely clothes.
Which makes him an insufferable little bitch, says I.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 3:52 PM
Hey, Kevin Drum rocks:
You can have your Washingtons, your Jeffersons, and your Madisons. All great men, to be sure. But for my money, the greatest of them all was Benjamin Franklin, my favorite founding father and the first great American liberal: an outstanding humanist, brilliant scientist, and incomparable statesman; a man who could run a postal service, a small business, or a legislature with equal ease — and who'd be happy to share a friendly beer with you after he was done.
Happy 300th Birthday, Ben! We could use a few more like you these days.
Saith BPhD:
Which makes him an insufferable little bitch, says I.
He treated his wife like shit, too. And I've already alluded to his great (not!) relationship with his son. I didn't say he was perfect.
Posted by Frederick | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 4:01 PM
Ogged has often been found swimming miles from shore in the Indian Ocean.
In Japan it is considered rude to talk with apostropher in your mouth.
BitchPhD is the number one cause of blindness in the United States.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 7:12 PM
BitchPhD is the number one cause of blindness in the United States.
It's the sight of her bqqbies.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 7:12 PM
Matt, are you joking? The correct usage is "would have been", not "would of been".
Posted by Gaijin Biker | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 7:14 PM
No, "would of been" is correct. "Would" is a subjunctive form of "will", and in a sentence such as "James would of been happy to see Edna", what's being asserted is that the content of James' (unfulfilled!) will is to see Edna. Similarly, the sentence "James will see Edna" is a contracted form of "James has a will of seeing Edna" or (if you like) "James wills seeing Edna". The futurity enters because willings are always directed towards future events.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 7:18 PM
#57: 'Scuse me?
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 7:28 PM
Once you have glimpsed them, what matters sight? For you will never look on anything that compares.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 7:31 PM
Nice try.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 7:33 PM
ben did not deserve to see them, b. The way to get back at him would be to show them to someone more empathetic, with a quick, monosyllibic handle, and rock hard abdominal muscles.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 7:36 PM
Like "ogged"?
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 7:40 PM
Ben, your view, while undeniably creative, is contradicted by every style guide I've been able to find online.
Example:
vi) Conditional Verbs I
"He would have been elected," not "He would of been elected."
And then there's Google hit counts:
"would of been" 396,000
"would have been" 70,600,000
Posted by Gaijin Biker | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 7:40 PM
Ben, were you punking me? If so, well done.
Posted by Gaijin Biker | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 7:42 PM
Thank you.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 7:43 PM
#63: It was never a question of Ben's deserving them, although clearly he did not. It was a question of me agreeing to send the pic to Ben in exchange for Michael using my Amazon link to buy his new laptop. Because I am a pathetic penny-grubbing whore, basically.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 7:44 PM
you say "ogged" in one syllable? It's always been two in my mind.
one syllable is for when it's used as a verb. besides, I'll be he's already seen them.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 7:46 PM
well I'll be.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 7:47 PM
Ogged has most assuredly NOT seen my breasts, thankyouverymuch.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 7:48 PM
It should be noted that Michael didn't consult with or otherwise involve me when he made his proposal.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 7:49 PM
What difference does that make? Could you possibly sound more ungrateful?
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 7:50 PM
Just saying.
Of course I'm grateful. I even make an offering before them every night.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 7:53 PM
it was wrong of me to assume that. the capacity to admit that I was wrong is why I am the deserving recipient of the photographs.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 7:53 PM
Agreed. Next time one of the Unfoggedeteriat buys a computer through my Amazon link, you get the tit shot, text.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 7:54 PM
ben uses the lean, tough cuts for his sacrifices, whereas I would use only the finest hindquarters, and sprinkle them with expensive grains.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 7:54 PM
I even make an offering before them every night.
That is most obscene.
Posted by silvana | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 7:55 PM
sweet!
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 7:55 PM
I'll have you know I posted my tits here, free of charge, for everybody. Because I have a little thing called artistic integrity.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 7:59 PM
I have a little thing called "anonymity." And another little thing called "students."
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:00 PM
Well, just the one tit, but still.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:00 PM
I'd have paid, apos. you sell yourself short.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:01 PM
I wonder if I could make enough money to replace the goddamn Subaru by selling pictures of my tits.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:01 PM
Apo, I thought it was called Spanky Johnson?
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:02 PM
apostropher, your tit-offering has and continues to be greatly appreciated, fret not.
Posted by silvana | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:02 PM
Geez, Apo's tit-offering gets appreciated where Wolfson's is called only obscene -- talk about a double standard!
Posted by Jeremy Osner | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:07 PM
BPhd, your anonymity will not be harmed if you flash us, unless you have the habit of flashing your students and colleagues too, and even then only if they also bear an identifying mark, such as an AC/DC tattoo, or the face of Christ.
Posted by John Emerson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:08 PM
"They" meaning your boobies, not your colleagues.
Posted by John Emerson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:09 PM
Apo offered his own tits, I made an offering before another's. Big difference.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:10 PM
If ben were to offer up his own tits, they would be similarly appreciated.
Posted by silvana | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:13 PM
John, there are plenty of people who know who I actually am. And I suspect there are a few who suspect. And god forbid I ever get outed and there's a link to my naked tits on teh internets.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:13 PM
#91: Ben hasn't even reciprocated.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:14 PM
The nerve!
Posted by silvana | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:15 PM
I know!
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:16 PM
I already said, I don't have a camera.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:17 PM
A likely story.
Posted by silvana | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:17 PM
I know. Isn't that the lamest excuse ever?
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:18 PM
He could go to any computer store, use their camera to do a tit shot, and email it from there.
Posted by Michael | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:20 PM
I'm willing to bet the manager wouldn't like that.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:22 PM
He might.
Posted by Michael | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:23 PM
I would not only want to see the resulting tit-shot from that, but the security camera footage. Teh awesome.
Posted by silvana | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:23 PM
You could do an ASCII art approximation, Ben. And leave offerings.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:27 PM
ben sent me his tits:
(.)(.)
Posted by tweedledopey | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:31 PM
B, perhaps you could post someone else's tits as yours, and then if it ever becomes an issue, explain that they weren't really yours and flash the investigating committee to prove it. After they see the AC/DC tattoo they'll believe you.
Posted by John Emerson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:32 PM
At this point even I want to see some tits. Speaking of which, I just replied to your email, Wolfson. No tits there, sorry.
Posted by Jackmormon | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:33 PM
B., I'm not really arguing, you know.
Perhaps we should change the subject to something less disturbing, such as bestiality.
Posted by John Emerson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:33 PM
The key question here -- how does Ben know they're really Bitch's tits? Couldn't she have found a picture online, with the head conveniently cropped off, or some kind of object obscuring her head?
Posted by Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:33 PM
Did Emerson pwn me, technically? I'm still trying to learn the lingo.
Posted by Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:35 PM
I trust her, Kotsko.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:35 PM
Ah, Wolfson -- I remember when I was that innocent, but now my heart has been broken too many times for me ever to trust a pseudonymous blogger again.
Posted by Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:41 PM
For the last time Adam, you didn't get it from me.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:43 PM
"It was a convention among the metrosexuals of the first century of the third milleniumto patch over awkward conversational silences with stereotyped comments about bestiality, the way earlier generations had talked about sports and the weather".
Posted by John Emerson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:43 PM
Emerson, are you holding yourself up as a paradigm metrosexual?
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:45 PM
I thought that that was unquestioned.
Posted by John Emerson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:45 PM
John Emerson was known to recommend sex with dogs with the following rueful comment: "At least you know you won't get the bitch pregnant."
Posted by Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:46 PM
No worries. Someday I'll get drunk again and email pictures of my tits to all of you, if only to make myself a disagreeable companion by trying to engross the conversation.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:46 PM
That wouldn't be very disagreeable.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:47 PM
Oh, and on the subject of bestiality, I'll let on that the sensation of mice crawling around inside one's shirt is actually quite pleasant, in a trailing-fingers-goosebumpy kind of way.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:47 PM
Until they pee on you, but that might get two fetishes for the price of one, I suppose.
Posted by Cala | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:48 PM
It would if you were all blinded.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:48 PM
It's not polite to talk when I'm in your mouth, B.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:49 PM
Eh, mouse pee. Once you've raised a kid pee no longer bothers you. Nor connotes any kind of thrilling forbidden naughtiness, to be fair.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:50 PM
Actually I am a revolutionary metrosexual, initiating a paradigm shift. All y'all are normal metrosexuals, working within the established paradigm.
Posted by John Emerson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:50 PM
#122: How about humming?
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:51 PM
Ogged, when were you going to talk to everyone else about the proposed format shift toward all-bestiality, all-the-time?
Posted by Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:52 PM
#108: I could have, but you forget how lazy I am, Adam.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:53 PM
I stand firmly against the having of sexual relations with metros.
Posted by Michael | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 8:53 PM
Once you've raised a kid pee no longer bothers you.
When Keegan was just starting to talk, I used to get in the tub with him for baths because it was easier on the back than leaning over the edge. We often played a game where I'd stick my face in the water, then come up and he'd laugh. Then he'd stick his face in the water and come up and laugh. He was easily entertained.
Anyhow, one night I come up and he laughs and I say "Your turn!" He gives me a very serious, frowny look and says no. So I dunk my face again, and he just cackles.
"Your turn!"
"No, daddy, no."
[Dunk face again to hysterical laughter]
"Your turn!"
"No, daddy, no! No turn!"
"Why no turn, Keegan?"
[ear-to-ear grin] "Pee pee!"
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 9:01 PM
omglolroflmao!!1!
Posted by tweedledopey | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 9:05 PM
One of our great PK stories:
Mr. B. and PK go out after dark to walk to the store to get cookies for pre-menstrual or otherwise cranky me. Mr. B. doesn't bother putting on shoes; he is wearing slippers. He steps in dog poo, swears, tries wiping it off, doesn't have a lot of luck, leans down to pull off the slipper and scrape it on the curb, puts his hand in poo.
PK (just starting to talk): Papa, you stepped in poop?
Mr. B.: Yes.
PK: You have poop on your shoe?
Mr. B.: Yes.
PK: Papa, you have poop on your hand?
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 9:05 PM
Shut up, tweedle. It's rude to laugh at the parental cute kid stories.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 9:05 PM
I mean, "laugh at" in the mocking sense, of course.
And I mean "shut up" in the fond, "g'wan, you" sense, of course.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 9:07 PM
I took baths with my two sisters when I was little. When I was about four my two-year-old sister pooped in the tub and then smiled the happiest smile you could ever imagine. I still tease her about it.
Posted by John Emerson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 9:08 PM
She meant "shut up" in the fond "Go die, you childfree parasite!" way.
Posted by John Emerson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 9:09 PM
well, I actually thought it was funny, and was originally going to type HAHAHA, so I was actually more making fun of myself for not having anything better to say.
Posted by tweedledopey | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 9:11 PM
Nah, I don't have a beef with those who are helpfully lowering the population count and thereby possibly ensuring that PK and his offspring will have enough to eat for a few more months.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 9:11 PM
Oh. Well, in that case I'm sorry I told you to shut up.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 9:12 PM
it's ok b. i'm a bit young to start being a father.
Posted by tweedledopey | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 9:12 PM
It's never too early to start, TD.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 9:14 PM
I'm off to bed. My tits need their beauty rest.
Y'all do realize that Ogged and Baa are bonding over their mutual appreciation of *Journey* over in the other thread, right?
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 9:26 PM
Apostropher was cuing me, obviously.
Tweedledopy, if you're under 16, or even 18 in some states, for legal reasons you should use artificial insemination if impregnation is desired.
Posted by John Emerson | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 9:27 PM
JE, I'm older than that. But still, no kids.
Posted by tweedledopey | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 9:39 PM
The personal info is behaving strangely. Every time I open a comment window without commenting (and without checking off the "Remember info?" box), it erases one line of my personal info, starting at the bottom. I liked the old way, when it would remember my personal info no matter whether I checked it or not -- or maybe you could try a system where the box stays checked.
(I use the latest Firefox, on Windows XP. My sign is Cancer.)
Posted by Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 10:28 PM
Kotsko, change the remember vertical position to no. because that's screwing it all up.
Posted by tweedledopey | Link to this comment | 01-19-06 10:35 PM
49: Dissertation topic: Romatic love evolved in response to the development of lighting technology that allowed you to see your beloved at night.
Posted by Tia | Link to this comment | 01-20-06 7:39 AM
146:
I forget the reference but I am reminded of this:
" It is amazing how many normally sober men fall in love by the kind of light in which they would not buy a suit"
Posted by Austro | Link to this comment | 01-20-06 7:53 AM
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Posted by tweedledopey | Link to this comment | 01-20-06 7:54 AM
When my firstborn was about six or so she came home from school feeling sick. I held her quitely while we watched "The Lion King" and she went 'cough, cough, BARF!!' It was a stream of bright red projectile vomit that spewed a few feet directly in front of us before falling to the floor. We both sat there dumbfounded for a moment or two before I sprinted with her to the bathroom. The second and final spew showered the bathroom wall and floor. The vomit was bright red from the Fruit Punch and Fruit Rollups she had eaten.
Shudder.
I'm with Bphd. Raising kids toughens you up for a lot of things.
Posted by Tripp | Link to this comment | 01-20-06 8:07 AM
Beauty is only a light switch away.
With the contacts out all bathrooms look clean.
Posted by Tripp | Link to this comment | 01-20-06 8:09 AM
Oh man. I have a great vomit clean-up story, that ends up with me almost getting my ass kicked for being a nice guy. The question is, should I put it in the comments here, or post drive visitors to my blog?
Posted by tweedledopey | Link to this comment | 01-20-06 8:13 AM
wood of ben
Posted by Mr. B | Link to this comment | 01-20-06 8:19 AM
We already have one little bitch, we don't need another. Here, I say!
Posted by Matt F | Link to this comment | 01-20-06 8:20 AM
Dissertation topic: Romantic love evolved in response to me running out of money to buy more drinks.
Posted by washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 01-20-06 8:35 AM