"I'd always imagined Jesus was the sweet, cuddly, loving dude, and suddenly I find out he makes Conan the Barbarian look like Conan the wimp"
I always thought of Ganesh as this like elephant-headed divinity of good fortune and the overcoming of obstacles, but it turns out he's such an awesome detective he makes Batman look like Inspector Clouseau.
This view of Jesus is exactly the same one as in the bloodthirsty last "Left Behind" book, "Glorious Appearing".
Note that Baldwin doesn't describe Jesus entering the Godly threesomes. Jesus is a sexless killing machine. The only way he could bang human chicks is with a kryptonite condom. But that'd kill him.
Q: Jesus, what is best in life?
A: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of their women.
Aw, he's just taking lines from an old Robin Williams routine: When Jesus comes back, he ain't gonna be no carpenter, oh no. He's gonna be a sheet metal worker, and he's gonna be god-damn-pissed-off!
If it weren't pathetic and disheartening, it would be funny that someone could so misinterpret a teaching whose function may well have been to warn Jesus' followers of the persecution they would face in their efforts to help people and bring them to God as an exhortation to physically assault anyone who gets in the way of proselytizing.
No, there will be no more "Fuck you, clown". The world's giantest ball of chewing gum has taken its place in the firmament, to shine but never again to grow.
Stephen Baldwin [climbing into a bedroom window while a couple has sex]: "Who's the boss?!"
He: "Erm, Tony Danza?"
She: "I know! That guy who's married to Liz Jones!"
Stephen [breaking both of their faces] "Jesus fucking Christ, that's who!"
Sometimes it's hard for me to believe the world is really this wonderful.
Should you ever find your belief in the goodness of God's creation waning again, perhaps you'll be lucky enough to have Stephen Baldwin personally come round and smash your fucking face in until your faith is restored.
You should carry that issue with you at all times, in case you ever run into Steven again. You could get him to autograph it!!!!
Posted by M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 08-11-06 7:52 PM
suddenly I find out he makes Conan the Barbarian look like Conan the wimp
What does he mean, "suddenly I find out"?
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 08-11-06 7:55 PM
"I'd always imagined Jesus was the sweet, cuddly, loving dude, and suddenly I find out he makes Conan the Barbarian look like Conan the wimp"
I always thought of Ganesh as this like elephant-headed divinity of good fortune and the overcoming of obstacles, but it turns out he's such an awesome detective he makes Batman look like Inspector Clouseau.
Posted by Felix | Link to this comment | 08-11-06 7:57 PM
This view of Jesus is exactly the same one as in the bloodthirsty last "Left Behind" book, "Glorious Appearing".
Note that Baldwin doesn't describe Jesus entering the Godly threesomes. Jesus is a sexless killing machine. The only way he could bang human chicks is with a kryptonite condom. But that'd kill him.
Q: Jesus, what is best in life?
A: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of their women.
Posted by Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 08-11-06 7:58 PM
What does he mean, "suddenly I find out"?
It's called a revelation. A.K.A a psychiatric break.
Posted by M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 08-11-06 8:00 PM
"break" s/b "cock to the face"
Posted by alameida | Link to this comment | 08-11-06 8:22 PM
Aw, he's just taking lines from an old Robin Williams routine: When Jesus comes back, he ain't gonna be no carpenter, oh no. He's gonna be a sheet metal worker, and he's gonna be god-damn-pissed-off!
Posted by KJ | Link to this comment | 08-11-06 8:28 PM
So the sentence should be "And if you try to stop me, I am going to cock to the face your face"?
Posted by Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 08-11-06 8:28 PM
6 & 8 - Actually, I was going for this.
Posted by Becks | Link to this comment | 08-11-06 8:29 PM
"Actor Stephen Baldwin is the born-again, George Bush-loving Baldwin brother, but who knew he's also a fan of threesomes in the bedroom?"
Maybe this was a clue?
Posted by Gary Farber | Link to this comment | 08-11-06 8:29 PM
(That reference is a lot harder to find if you're trying to avoid having "rape your face" in your search history.)
Posted by Becks | Link to this comment | 08-11-06 8:30 PM
If it weren't pathetic and disheartening, it would be funny that someone could so misinterpret a teaching whose function may well have been to warn Jesus' followers of the persecution they would face in their efforts to help people and bring them to God as an exhortation to physically assault anyone who gets in the way of proselytizing.
Posted by dave | Link to this comment | 08-11-06 8:37 PM
Your own.. personal... Jesus
Someone who fights with chair
Someone who swears
Reach out, and rape face...
Posted by Cala | Link to this comment | 08-11-06 8:39 PM
Cala, you're my personal hero.
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 08-11-06 9:03 PM
Is she the wind beneath your wings, FL?
Posted by M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 08-11-06 9:04 PM
How many annoying songs will you stick in my head, o commentariat?
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 08-11-06 9:10 PM
Three shall be the number of the songs, and the number of the songs shall be three. Five is right out!
the power of voodoo who do you do do what?
Posted by Cala | Link to this comment | 08-11-06 9:16 PM
If you want to dish it out, Labs, you're going to have to learn to take it.
Posted by M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 08-11-06 9:17 PM
And if you're not careful, we'll start talking about Monty Python, the Grateful Dead, and The Princess Bride.
Posted by M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 08-11-06 9:19 PM
Well everybody poops, sometimes
Everybody cries
And everybody poops, somtimes
So hold on…
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 08-11-06 9:44 PM
Did I ever tell you you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be
Oh, and I could fly higher than an eagle
Fuck you, clown beneath my wings
Posted by Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 08-11-06 9:57 PM
No, there will be no more "Fuck you, clown". The world's giantest ball of chewing gum has taken its place in the firmament, to shine but never again to grow.
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 08-11-06 10:03 PM
Fine, change it to "Everybody poops beneath my wings"
Posted by Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 08-11-06 10:05 PM
Splendid.
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 08-11-06 10:15 PM
6 was to 5, though I see now it's ambiguous. I was leading the comments thread on!!
Posted by alameida | Link to this comment | 08-11-06 11:57 PM
Stephen Baldwin [climbing into a bedroom window while a couple has sex]: "Who's the boss?!"
He: "Erm, Tony Danza?"
She: "I know! That guy who's married to Liz Jones!"
Stephen [breaking both of their faces] "Jesus fucking Christ, that's who!"
Posted by reuben | Link to this comment | 08-12-06 2:45 AM
This is too perfect.
Posted by DominEditrix | Link to this comment | 08-12-06 2:45 AM
Thank you, Becks. Sometimes it's hard for me to believe the world is really this wonderful.
Posted by Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 08-12-06 9:37 AM
Sometimes it's hard for me to believe the world is really this wonderful.
Should you ever find your belief in the goodness of God's creation waning again, perhaps you'll be lucky enough to have Stephen Baldwin personally come round and smash your fucking face in until your faith is restored.
Posted by Felix | Link to this comment | 08-12-06 10:01 AM
Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my face is going to be broken.
Posted by mrh | Link to this comment | 08-12-06 10:26 AM