The tradition needed some updating, anyway. Now the elves can live on giant rafts or build huts on drifting ice floes, with Santa arriving once a year to pick up the presents and to drop off cargo! Much better.
I can't see Santa shelling out for a Trilobus for the elves; he and the missus would probably be very snug in one, and yes, they're super-cool. I can see one of those "Freedom Ships" making a dandy prison hulk/ work camp, though.
I suspect Santa will sign on for one of these. Unfortunately, that will leave no money for paying the elves, hence no workforce, hence no more presents under the tree. There will be a domino effect: We will see more and more elves sneaking across our northern borders, forcing us to build a 2,000-mile-long fence between ourselves and Canada, which will result in BC turning off the water for the west coast, which will matter not at all to Seattle and less than it might to California, because many parts of the Golden State will be under water, which will result in a spike in the demand for surfboards, which will require immigrant labour to fulfill, which will result in under-the-table employment for elves [mostly because they're quite short], which will revitalise the economy of California and lead people to vote for Mary Carey for governor, as she looks better in a bikini than either of the current candidates. She will fulfill her previous campaign promise to tax breast implants, which will make the country of California the world's second richest nation and the first to elect a Queen to a seven-year term until Shiloh Pitt-Jolie comes of age, and is elected Queen-for-Life.
In further depressing questions, is there any reason other than chemotherapy for a man in his 50s to suddenly have no eyebrows and (I think, but am not sure) to be wearing a wig? If it's a wig, it's a good one, but I think it's a wig. And he didn't used to be balding, or anything that would make a wig natural.
I kind of hate the guy, and am not on terms with him to ask "Hey, didn't you use to have eyebrows? And shorter, greyer hair?" But it's still kind of depressing.
I once knew someone who had some disease, or genetic condition, I don't remember, whereby he had *zero* body hair. Like, not even eyelashes. So maybe your acquaintance has that instead of cancer.
10: As far as I can tell, anyone can run for governator of California, as long as he/she/other is over 18 and a US citizen.
I'd vote for you, but you'd have to promise to ban the making of any more Pauly Shore movies within the state and keep Steven Bochco and his minions off my telegenic block. [Last time they were shooting here, they put a blindfold on my car. With black gaffer's tape, which is a pain to get off. Ostensibly, this eliminated reflections off my windshield, however it made driving really really perilous.]
Oh, and you'd have to promote changing to state motto to "Piso Mojado", which sounds so much cooler than "Eureka!" As if anyone could lose a state this size.
Back to the post -- the past few years tourists have been able to take icebreakers close to the North Pole in summer. But I don't think anyone's been waterskiing up there.
I'm down with banning Pauly Shore, but I'm sorry: I think the gaffer's tape thing is best dealt with at the local level, and I'm not going to waste Your Taxpayer Dollars on debating nonsense like state mottos.
I once knew someone who had some disease, or genetic condition, I don't remember, whereby he had *zero* body hair. Like, not even eyelashes. So maybe your acquaintance has that instead of cancer.
For you sports fans out there, Toronto is the world headquarters of hairless athletes, with both Charlie Villanueva and Gustavo Chacin keeping the dream alive.
This is not to be confused with ectodermal dysplasia, a much more serious syndrome that prevents the growth of any hair or fingernails at all, and can prevent normal development of the skeleton. Famous sufferers include that guy who is famous for being weird-looking.
25: I'm not going to waste Your Taxpayer Dollars on debating nonsense like state mottos.
My ghod - a natural candidate! Lying already, when you aren't even on the ballot yet! I am humbled by your clearly superior talent for political prevarication...
What are you going to waste my taxpayer dollars on? Toyboys? La Perla undies? Amazon.com?
Move the capital to San Francisco. It has much better restaurants. Yes, eliminate Prop 13 [except for older people on fixed incomes - there are too many folk on social security/disability who have no other assets who would be turned out of their long-time homes. Rich people, screw 'em.] Other suggestions: Instititute an extra tax, known as the Geffen Penalty, for the rich people who try to keep the not-rich people off public beaches just because their mansions overlook the ocean and ghod knows they don't want to see anybody not on the A(sshat)-List frolicking when the hoi polloi could be working for minimum wage.
First thing I 'd do, were I Queen: Fire all the teachers and only hire back the truly good ones. Offer a much higher salary to attract a brighter group of people. Make the CBEST harder to pass, not easier. Make breakfast and lunch free to every kid, no reams of paperwork, so that everyone starts the day with adequate protein. And no fucking sugar soda.
And now I have to go figure out why dusting the books has somehow caused them to increase in number and not fit back onto the shelves. I suspect the act of taking them out and stacking them sideways led to their breeding...
31: I am reindeered speechless by that deeply scholarly work [Blavatsky?]. I will henceforth cease to leave cookies out for Santa and will, instead, leave lutefisk out for Thor.
And if one moves the letters sideways, one gets "astan", proving that all those funny countries across the ocean are the Devil's playground!!!.
Wait, it's really "istan", but hey, what's a letter or two and what if Chavez was right that Bush is the Devil - oh, fuck it, let's break out the eggnog, hold the egg, and get drunk in front og the fireplace until Thor turns up.
42, 43: I went off and took another look at what melting the Greenland ice sheet would do to sea levels. My workplace would be underwater (at least the first floor or two), but I think my house is still OK. Maybe in 100 years my grandchildren will have beachfront, but it will be too damn hot to be much fun.
Santa "Falls" in Charlottesville (starting Saturday, but he got here early, purists). It's a well-documented fact. So well-documented that I needn't provide proof.
I thought you were talking about this.
Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 12:03 PM
The tradition needed some updating, anyway. Now the elves can live on giant rafts or build huts on drifting ice floes, with Santa arriving once a year to pick up the presents and to drop off cargo! Much better.
Posted by Jackmormon | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 12:08 PM
The Santa Claus I believe in is amphibious, just like Patrick Duffy.
Posted by My Alter Ego | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 12:09 PM
2: Or one of these.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 12:10 PM
I can't see Santa shelling out for a Trilobus for the elves; he and the missus would probably be very snug in one, and yes, they're super-cool. I can see one of those "Freedom Ships" making a dandy prison hulk/ work camp, though.
Posted by Jackmormon | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 12:21 PM
I suspect Santa will sign on for one of these. Unfortunately, that will leave no money for paying the elves, hence no workforce, hence no more presents under the tree. There will be a domino effect: We will see more and more elves sneaking across our northern borders, forcing us to build a 2,000-mile-long fence between ourselves and Canada, which will result in BC turning off the water for the west coast, which will matter not at all to Seattle and less than it might to California, because many parts of the Golden State will be under water, which will result in a spike in the demand for surfboards, which will require immigrant labour to fulfill, which will result in under-the-table employment for elves [mostly because they're quite short], which will revitalise the economy of California and lead people to vote for Mary Carey for governor, as she looks better in a bikini than either of the current candidates. She will fulfill her previous campaign promise to tax breast implants, which will make the country of California the world's second richest nation and the first to elect a Queen to a seven-year term until Shiloh Pitt-Jolie comes of age, and is elected Queen-for-Life.
Posted by DominEditrix | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 12:30 PM
I'm looking forward to Kevin Costner's production of Santa Claus Vs. the Smokers.
Posted by Paul | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 12:39 PM
6 gets it exactly right.
Posted by Robust McManlyPants | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 12:40 PM
Weird, you can live on a cruise ship?
Posted by mrh | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 1:09 PM
6: Ooh! Can I run for governor? Not that I want the responsibility, but I look good on camera.
Not in stills, though, generally.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 1:10 PM
In further depressing questions, is there any reason other than chemotherapy for a man in his 50s to suddenly have no eyebrows and (I think, but am not sure) to be wearing a wig? If it's a wig, it's a good one, but I think it's a wig. And he didn't used to be balding, or anything that would make a wig natural.
I kind of hate the guy, and am not on terms with him to ask "Hey, didn't you use to have eyebrows? And shorter, greyer hair?" But it's still kind of depressing.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 1:14 PM
Santa has cancer?
Posted by Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 1:16 PM
I once knew someone who had some disease, or genetic condition, I don't remember, whereby he had *zero* body hair. Like, not even eyelashes. So maybe your acquaintance has that instead of cancer.
Probably not, though.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 1:18 PM
s there any reason other than chemotherapy
Yeah, alopecia. But chemo is more likely.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 1:19 PM
I have a friend who developed alopecia not long after college and to this day has no hair, including eyebrows.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 1:20 PM
The combination of these is interesting.
Posted by washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 1:22 PM
maybe he was shorn clean, like the dude in Season 1 of Weeds
Posted by tweedledopey | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 2:10 PM
tweedledopey!
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 2:16 PM
8 gets it exactly right.
Posted by Michael | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 2:23 PM
19: 8 s/b 18
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 2:26 PM
*sigh...*
I miss fafblog....
not really a propos of anything, even Santa Claus.
just....
Posted by kid bitzer | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 2:42 PM
20: quit oppressing me
but, Hi tweedle!
Posted by Michael | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 2:46 PM
10: As far as I can tell, anyone can run for governator of California, as long as he/she/other is over 18 and a US citizen.
I'd vote for you, but you'd have to promise to ban the making of any more Pauly Shore movies within the state and keep Steven Bochco and his minions off my telegenic block. [Last time they were shooting here, they put a blindfold on my car. With black gaffer's tape, which is a pain to get off. Ostensibly, this eliminated reflections off my windshield, however it made driving really really perilous.]
Oh, and you'd have to promote changing to state motto to "Piso Mojado", which sounds so much cooler than "Eureka!" As if anyone could lose a state this size.
As you can see, my vote does not come cheap...
Posted by DominEditrix | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 2:58 PM
Back to the post -- the past few years tourists have been able to take icebreakers close to the North Pole in summer. But I don't think anyone's been waterskiing up there.
Posted by bill | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 3:22 PM
I'm down with banning Pauly Shore, but I'm sorry: I think the gaffer's tape thing is best dealt with at the local level, and I'm not going to waste Your Taxpayer Dollars on debating nonsense like state mottos.
How'm I doing?
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 3:24 PM
I once knew someone who had some disease, or genetic condition, I don't remember, whereby he had *zero* body hair. Like, not even eyelashes. So maybe your acquaintance has that instead of cancer.
For you sports fans out there, Toronto is the world headquarters of hairless athletes, with both Charlie Villanueva and Gustavo Chacin keeping the dream alive.
This is not to be confused with ectodermal dysplasia, a much more serious syndrome that prevents the growth of any hair or fingernails at all, and can prevent normal development of the skeleton. Famous sufferers include that guy who is famous for being weird-looking.
Posted by Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 3:57 PM
25: I'm not going to waste Your Taxpayer Dollars on debating nonsense like state mottos.
My ghod - a natural candidate! Lying already, when you aren't even on the ballot yet! I am humbled by your clearly superior talent for political prevarication...
What are you going to waste my taxpayer dollars on? Toyboys? La Perla undies? Amazon.com?
Posted by DominEditrix | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 4:17 PM
A probably futile fight outlawing private education, repealing Prop 13, and getting rid of local funding for schools.
Also probably moving the state capital to somewhere nicer than Sacto?
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 4:19 PM
11: Camp stove accidents can also do this, but that's probably too optimistic.
Posted by DaveL | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 4:35 PM
Yay, Dr B! Vote for Dr B!
Vote early, vote often!
Move the capital to San Francisco. It has much better restaurants. Yes, eliminate Prop 13 [except for older people on fixed incomes - there are too many folk on social security/disability who have no other assets who would be turned out of their long-time homes. Rich people, screw 'em.] Other suggestions: Instititute an extra tax, known as the Geffen Penalty, for the rich people who try to keep the not-rich people off public beaches just because their mansions overlook the ocean and ghod knows they don't want to see anybody not on the A(sshat)-List frolicking when the hoi polloi could be working for minimum wage.
First thing I 'd do, were I Queen: Fire all the teachers and only hire back the truly good ones. Offer a much higher salary to attract a brighter group of people. Make the CBEST harder to pass, not easier. Make breakfast and lunch free to every kid, no reams of paperwork, so that everyone starts the day with adequate protein. And no fucking sugar soda.
And now I have to go figure out why dusting the books has somehow caused them to increase in number and not fit back onto the shelves. I suspect the act of taking them out and stacking them sideways led to their breeding...
Posted by DominEditrix | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 5:01 PM
We should be happy at the death of Santa. Didn't you know he's actually the tool of Satan?
http://www.av1611.org/othpubls/santa.html
(you should definitely read the part where Santa's similarities to Thor are listed. Apparently they both have long white beards. How unusual!)
Posted by random (de)lurker | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 5:27 PM
31: I am reindeered speechless by that deeply scholarly work [Blavatsky?]. I will henceforth cease to leave cookies out for Santa and will, instead, leave lutefisk out for Thor.
Posted by DominEditrix | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 6:00 PM
reindeered
Nice.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 6:02 PM
When examined with historical facts, the oft-repeated history of Santa is so full of gross errors it ranks among histories greatest goofs.
Whereas the whole god thing is clearly in line with all known historical facts.
Oh, wait.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 6:03 PM
PS: My pagan Norwegian grandfather described Thor as having a red beard - what's up with this old-man-with-a-white-beard shite?
Posted by DominEditrix | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 6:07 PM
You ever noticed how easy it is to transform "Satan" from "Santa"? Just move the "n" to the end. And presto! "Satan" appears. . . Hmmm….
Seriously? I'm pretty sure Dana Carvey beat them to this one.
Posted by mrh | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 7:28 PM
And if one moves the letters sideways, one gets "astan", proving that all those funny countries across the ocean are the Devil's playground!!!.
Wait, it's really "istan", but hey, what's a letter or two and what if Chavez was right that Bush is the Devil - oh, fuck it, let's break out the eggnog, hold the egg, and get drunk in front og the fireplace until Thor turns up.
Posted by DominEditrix | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 7:36 PM
s/b in front of. I was not suggesting that we should sacrifice Og a la The Wicker Man.
Posted by DominEditrix | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 7:38 PM
Fine, now you clarify, after I've gathered these bundles of sticks and kindling.
Posted by Robust McManlyPants | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 7:48 PM
26: The hairless Jays finished out the season tonight by beating the hirsute Yankees. Not that the Yanks will care a whit.
Posted by ahab | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 8:18 PM
DEditrix wants to create a hidden incentive for people to be elderly.
Posted by Clownæsthesiologist | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 8:19 PM
Not one comment about the topic. That's pretty much my reaction to this as well - it's so spectacularly depressing that I can't even think about it.
Back to lurking, and trying desperately not to think about billmon's even more depressing post - http://billmon.org/archives/002743.html.
Posted by msw | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 10:21 PM
Everyone is off buying real estate.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 11:04 PM
Beachfront property in Lappland?
Posted by teofilo | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 11:09 PM
42, 43: I went off and took another look at what melting the Greenland ice sheet would do to sea levels. My workplace would be underwater (at least the first floor or two), but I think my house is still OK. Maybe in 100 years my grandchildren will have beachfront, but it will be too damn hot to be much fun.
Posted by DaveL | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 11:23 PM
*Cough*
Posted by Stanley | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 11:49 PM
Shit. *Cough* again.
Posted by Stanley | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 11:50 PM
That's a nasty cough you've got there. Maybe you should see a doctor.
Posted by teofilo | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 11:52 PM
Actually, I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. But I doubt that'll stop the coughing.
Posted by Stanley | Link to this comment | 09-20-06 11:54 PM
In fact, I have two, count 'em—two—appointments with medics tomorrow. Boo-yah, bee-otches. Santa Claus has come to motherfuckin' town.
Posted by Stanley | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 12:01 AM
So that's where he went.
Posted by teofilo | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 12:02 AM
Santa "Falls" in Charlottesville (starting Saturday, but he got here early, purists). It's a well-documented fact. So well-documented that I needn't provide proof.
Posted by Stanley | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 12:06 AM