I was about to make a joke! But if something terrible is happening to you that would be awful! Instead I say, uh, good luck?
But if something terrible is happening to you that would be awful!
This is just the kind of attitude that killed the blog.
Dude, if I were any more specific, I wouldn't be Standpipe Bridgeplate. You now have 19 questions, none of which I will answer truthfully.
2: No doubt. We need apo or sifu to come make a sex change joke.
You're getting married to a lady doctor and moving to a Navajo reservation?
Oooh. Yes, let's have a vague and allusive stag night for SB.
6 seems optimistically related to 5.
Uglifruit, banana, and nectarine, respectively.
IF I WANTED YOU TO UNDERSTAND, I WOULD HAVE EXPLAINED IT BETTER.
Will it help change the food system?
Blume, that would be funny if every second comment of yours wasn't "Vasectomy!"
14 is one of my most favoritest quotes ever.
Is 17 a sex joke? If so, is there some way I can work Michael Pollan into my answer?
I could use some advice. What do other people do in this situation?
[T]he moment when you go from seeing your life as a set of possibilities to be explored and new experiences to be had, to realizing that you will not do or be the vast majority of what you might have done or been, and that your life is what it is?
Fuck, that's depressing.
21: the key thing is to remember that you have three left.
24 turns out to be an unexpectedly versatile comment.
the key thing is to remember that you have three left.
Three more vas deferenses is a lot of vas deferenses.
I could use some advice. What do other people do in this situation?
Absent more specific information, I'll just give you the advice I give all my SAT students for the night before the test: watch a bunch of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, get a lot of sleep.
JM! That's actually valuable, applicable advice! You're banned.
People are assuming that S-plate is male. Has its gender ever been established?
Release from prison? Bris? Becoming a vampire?
Uglifruit, banana, and nectarine, respectively.
Pomegranate?
34: "Been established" is ambiguous. Presumably Bridgeplate considers Bridgeplateself's gender established in a satisfactory fashion. Does anyone else know what that fashion is?
Whatever it is: you're fucked.
Pomegranate?
I know things about pomegranates that I cannot reveal.
I have already said too much!
If, however, you are going in for a fashion shoot, you want to drink lots of water, avoid sodium, and get lots of sleep.
I didn't know fashion shoots involved so much peeing.
Because it reacts violently to water.
21: Shots of tequila. Then comment here.
Carbo load, review problem sets, pack the night before, stretch, and get your affairs in order.
If it turns out you're running away with the circus, be sure to pack more vaseline than you think you're going to need.
Also, pluck your eyebrows the night before, so that any inflammation has a chance to recede.
21 -- Nightly sessions of self-criticism and denunciation.
I'm running away with the ex-con vampire fashion circus.
If it turns out you're running away with the circus, be sure to pack more vaseline than you think you're going to need, even after taking this advice into account.
That's totally the name of my band.
37: No, but I'm always true to ze, darling, in hyr fashion.
53 -- In which case, I stand by 52.
Check your tire pressure, go to confession, get a neighbor to look in on the cats, don't eat anything for 12 hours beforehand, and get a present for your host.
Recharge your cell phone, make copies of your passport (one to leave at home in a safe place and one to take with you), make sure someone knows where you're hiking, dispose of all your trash.
You're going to want to brush up on your signal flags.
Shrive yourself and live ever more as an abbess.
Apologize to anyone you've done wrong, and make sure the caterers have the right address.
Build up your stomach capacity by drinking ever-larger quantities of water, but be careful.
The key is to understand that your intuitive sense of balance might not match your actual orientation.
Leave nothing but footprints; take nothing but plunder.
Stay focused on the Noble Eightfold Path, and remember to carry some cash.
If you get in any trouble, remember this simple phrase: "your Mickey Mouse laws don't apply to me! I'm an American citizen!"
Remember that wool insulates even when wet.
Above all: wear clean underwear.
Sometimes babies just cry, and there's nothing you can do about it.
Cripe, Standpipe is making me anxious for Standpipe's self. Good luck, dude person!
Just be yourself and trust in the Lord.
75 cont'd: it doesn't mean they don't like the sex.
Just be sure to check them for bruises.
...too soon?
I know that Standpipe is a hot chick the same way I know that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. The power of Faith.
Go forth and be hot, hot chick. I know you're going through some hard times, but don't let the bastards take that away from you.
Tomorrow, SB's pipes will no longer be dry and SB's gaps will not need minding.
Take a couple of NSAIDs before whatever. That always helps, expecially if you can't get vicodin and prednisone easily.
Way more lube than you seems necessary, and relax into it.
Trust the magic of compound interest.
Given the nature of our usual front-page posters, it means that SB is either a) taking the bar exam, or b) has her thesis defense, or c) lives in gswift's town and is looking to commit suicide-by-cop.
Congratulations, Standpipe. Good luck to you in all your endeavors.
If 88c is what's happening, then I withdraw 89.
Index finger and thumb together, as if you're holding a potato chip.
And once you've got the third finger in there, kinda feel around and see if anything seems out of the ordinary.
Whatever you do, don't cross the streams.
Sifu doesn't care about his first two fingers?
92: Good god, is that how you're supposed to hold a potato chip? No wonder people have been laughing.
Grip it and rip it, Standpipe.
If you run some warm water over your cock it'll look more impressive when the time comes even if you aren't hard yet.
No asparagus for at least twenty-four hours preceding.
The secret is to bang the rocks together, SB.
96: I assumed Standpipe was about to fix a garbage disposal.
Never let them see you sweat. Or is it never let them see your ass?
Never let them see your ass sweat.
Rotate the inocerater seventeen degrees to the left and click your heels. Remember that you can halt cooking with an ice-bath immersion.
If you can't think of anything to say, just spit out some nonsense and then spend the rest of the conversation making up a reason for it.
It's a public show, you buy your seat and you wait, perhaps it's free, a free show, you take your seat and you wait for it to begin, or perhaps it's compulsory, a compulsory show.
Speak in French when you can't think of the English for a thing.
Christ, it's obvious - dear old Standpipe is finally going for the gender reassignment surgery, after a year of living as ... the other thing.
A year of living as a hot chick.
When the constable asks you to join him for a steak sandwich, kindly refuse.
If the baby does not thrive on raw milk, boil it.
Remember that civil engineering boils down to two basic precepts: 1. Water runs down hill. 2. Payday is on Friday.
And that litigation does as well. 1: Get paid. 2. If anyone's going to jail, make sure it's the client.
And that litigation does as well. 1: Get paid. 2. If anyone's going to jail, make sure it's the client.
Why not make sure it's the lawyers for the other guy?
According to Google, you should recruit your inner warrior.
Friday the 13th falls on a Monday this week. And you're still going through with it! Put it off until a safer day.
Remember, sex shouldn't hurt. Not the first time, not the five hundredth time. If it feels uncomfortable, slow down, back off, lube up. Never be afraid to say "this isn't working for me."
And just because you have sex once, doesn't mean you have to keep having sex. Not with this boy, or with the next boy you are with.
Also, boys will try to convince you that they will get "blue balls" if they get all aroused and don't get a release, and they will tell you that this is really painful and a big injustice. Don't listen to them. They can always go an masturbate and be just fine.
Above all, remember that you mother and I love you no matter what you do.
Although rob is correct regarding blue balls, you should be alert for the symptoms of the cold robbies and do what you can to alleviate them.
Standpipe, you are going to be a beautiful bride.
117 seems awfully punitive but what do I know about parenting?
As time goes by, the cravings and then even the occasional nostalgic thought will pass; and who knows? perhaps in a few years you'll be able to comment as bob mcmanus again.
Oh - are you getting rid of your other blog, Standpipe? Is that why 129 had to be posted here?
As for tomorrow: just do your best, that's all we expect of you. At the end of the day, it's a game of two halves, swings and roundabouts. No one ever looked back from their deathbed and wished they'd blogged less.
No one ever looked back from their deathbed and wished they'd blogged less.
Actually I'm rather certain that we are all going to wish just that.
I actually have it penciled in on my "Things to do on my deathbed", right before disinheriting the children.
131.1 Aright, aright, I had never heard this and thought I was being just the cleverest thing. Tough room! It used to be so much nicer here when Bob McManus was around. (What, I missed Ogged by years.)
It's hard to live in a studio apartment in San Jose with a man who's learning to play the violin.
Do you know the way to live in a studio apartment in San Jose with a man who's learning to play the violin?
I've got a lot of friends who can offer violin lessons suitable for beginners in San Jose who have practice spaces.
I mean that the friends have practice spaces, not that the lessons are suitable for beginners who have practice spaces.
Are the lessons unsuitable for beginners who reside in other cities?
Are you not allowed to purchase vaseline as needed after joining the circus?
Are the lessons unsuitable for beginners who reside in other cities?
That depends on their willingness to commute to San Jose, I guess.
Half your age plus seven, and godspeed.
Sqrt(age) plus 12, heebie. Be the change you want to date in the high school.
147. Wow, so my 6th grade "romance" was transgressive. Who knew?
Who knew?
Your music teacher entered a guilty plea, so you didn't need to testify. Everybody knew but you.
Man, Sifu's going to make a devious parent someday.
If 150 is too opaque, I'm imagining him telling his 14-year-old kid, "you're allowed to date anyone you like, as long as you're each older than the square root of the other's age plus 12." "Whatever, dad, you weirdo", says the kid, not realizing they've just agreed on no dating until age 16.
Swimming is not all that it is cracked up to be.
Keep your eye on the ball, watch it connect, and follow through.
151: they'll thank me when they're forty.
153 is entirely wrong. The proper technique is slow back, dinna press, and keep your ee on the ba'.
(soon to be gone) 155: The view from the dog tower.
156:
JP knows what he is talking about !
157: have I mentioned that I've repeated that phrase to myself more than once whilst on a golf course since reading it here? Works pretty well.
160: Yeah, you can snatch two or three of them off the green before they get there with the carts.
Remember, never take no cutoffs and hurry along as fast as you can.
"I believe that if ever I had to practice cannibalism, I might manage if there were enough tarragon around."
It's your big day! Post something cryptic to let us wonder how it went!
S/he is still busy absorbing her/is tail and getting used to breathing air. Expect a post when s/he has worked out how to catch flies with her/is tongue.
We look forward to welcoming the new frontpage poster once SB and zir twin are separated.
Hope it goes/went well, SB.
Also: Hey hey HEY!
166: But what I want to know is which twin gets the accordian?
The ablest twin gets the accordian?
be sure to pack more vaseline than you think you're going to need.
One of the photos in Jan Banning's Bureaucratics series depicts a Texas sheriff with a bottle of Jack Daniels, a jar of Vaseline, and several jars of candy on his desk.
173 woodwind the thread if puns weren't band.
Oboe not that old saw
. . . lest the new saw oboe you?
Five years of this stuff and I am just now coming to the realization that we will never obtain any additional information as to what this post was about.
So.
Did it happen?
Has your life changed in a major way as a consequence?
Was there really anything to be anxious about?
Mistah Bridgeplate - he ineffable.