The bear was her father with a shotgun, right?
This clip is from one of those vampire movies, right?
Wait, what? This was intended seriously?
They joined some kind of underground cult?
"I know she's cuddly. Look at me, I"m cuddly."
It was a woman who brought sin into the world, you know.
A guy I know back in 1966 or so made the same virtuous choice the boy in the clip did. She grumbled about that and married a different guy who wasn't so scrupulous. I still see them around, still married. (True story. I could name names.)
Innocent-looking bears give surprisingly good value when properly aroused.
The real purity bear is the late Knut, may he rest in peace. Maybe Siku?
He's been properly aroused by the temptress. He had been cuddly previous to that.
11: Racist. Sexist. Sizeist. Oh, I don't even know anymore.
Don't talk to Professor Linnaeus that way!
The face he makes at 0:17 when being told he's not like the other guys suggests the real reason he turned her down is because he'd soiled himself.
...being told he's not like the other guys....
Isn't that usually a preface to "I think of you as a friend"? "I think we should see other people"? "I don't think we're 'right' for each other"? "I'm moving to another country to pursue my dream of hosting a television talk show"? "I love you but I'm not in love with you"? "Your self-destructive workaholism has driven me away but we will never be free of one another as long as we live"?
The first rule of a gentleman is to protect others from embarrassment. A gent never says no to a lady, nor put her in a situation where she will say no. He should have quickly shook hands on the porch if such was his inclination.
As it is, this is patriarchy, in which the man is supposedly controlling the situation and protecting her from her worst instincts. This guy will always believe he is the one to determine when and how sex happens.
From her perspective, she should have gone down on him. When a guy's arms are extended at his sides, it is not so easy to push someone away. Hands on his ass keeps him from backing away. There are some excellent holds in Nu-gi, submission grappling, or Brazilian jiu-jitsu that are most useful for wise young women to learn.
After the securing hold, the young gentleman is back into the preventing embarassment mode, and will plead to move from the front porch. Mission accomplished.
This organisation, this video, this thread: they all happened just so that 19 could exist.
Text on an other suggested video:
Sexual sin is destructive and always hurts someone! It grieves a holy God, it often brings disease to our bodies, it deeply affects our personalities and fills us with shame!
How do I hire bob to narrate my next make-out session?
A friend of my son's left HS a year early (with a degree) because of embarrassment traceable to turning a girl down. It may have been manageable but he told someone and they made it into gossip, and the girl's friends united around her in calling him a liar.
I think 19 may actually be the funniest thing I've ever read.
A friend of my son's left HS a year early (with a degree) because of embarrassment traceable to turning a girl down.
Wait, so, if he had his degree, wouldn't he have left school a year early anyway, even if he hadn't been plagued by embarrassment traceable to turning a girl down? (If he wouldn't have left, what would he have been doing?)
Sure, he could have. But he could have taken more HS classes too. He found that he had met all requirements and could leave. A year more of schools would have given him a better resume for applications, though. He went to Montana.
I failed all of my classes in 8th grade, and they let me go right on to the 9th. To this day, I don't know why they allowed that, and I don't care.
Yeah, I basically shouldn't have graduated high school, but they let it slide.
bob, please never confess whether you intended 19 to be funny.
It doesn't feel right for him to go inside, but it feels right to have sex in a church in front of a big wooden cross? I should look into this purity movement.
[I]t feels right to have sex in a church in front of a big wooden cross?
Mac: Why wouldn't we have a crucifix in the bar?
Charlie: Because we're a bar.
Mac: Right, but we're an Irish Catholic bar.
Charlie: We're an Irish bar.
Mac: Yeah, an Irish Catholic bar. Therefore a giant wooden crucifix is a celebration of our heritage.
Charlie: Giant? How big of a crucifix do you want?
Mac: Big. I mean, it should the the center piece of the whole room. It should dominate every conversation.
Charlie: That's going to be terrifying!
Mac: It should be terrifying. That's how you know God loves you, Charlie!
30: 19 was clearly intended to be funny.
19 is kind of awesome. Who knew bob could generate that kind of comment?
23 How do I hire bob to narrate my next make-out session?
We really need someone like David Attenborough reading narration that has been written by bob, giving a nature-video perspective on human courtship.
33: Speaking of gentle behavior, a nice woman at the gym called me a gentleman for letting her use the water fountain before me. I appreciate it, but you ladies might want to think about setting that bar a wee bit higher.
She just thought you were wanting to discreetly admire her successful toning regime.
OMG she was flirting. Your turn was to say something funny and explain that you just like being nice to other people.
38: That would be a lie, which would violate his strict code of honor.
and explain that you just like being nice to other people volunteering at the sea otter rescue while also helming your multi-million social entrepreneurship venture, cooking elaborate meals with locally-sourced ingredients, and prepping for an ultramarathon.
Either she has a low bar or she appreciated not being exposed to your communicable disease.
"What say you and I go turn that machine into an elope-tical?"
"Please, bend over for another drink while I watch, ma'am. I can wait all night long."
"I'll just be over there in that studio, doing my German core-focused conditioning routine...Pilaydeez."
"I'm looking at your butt, as only a gentleman can."
And the Unfoggetariat troops off lockstep to the dining hall.
You mean "the one 37-year-old balding man troops upstairs to eat the dinner his mother made him."
I don't know about everyone else, but I'm eating peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon.
I'm still at work, because certain jerk-off board members can't fucking shut up with their whining and grumbling. So. Far. Behind.
The Unfogged mystique is crumbling under the hammerblows of inappropriately-released information.
I'm eating peanut butter out of the jar with the peanut butter.
I'm at work, because it's 2:00 in the afternoon.
Was she wearing those fabulous Lululemon pants that make every ass look spectacular? (Obviously we hate them bc of the horrible company! But seriously, great pants!)
I was reminded of Hotel New Hampshire. Bear!
The sign on the door reading 'use front entrance only' raised thoughts in my mind that this was going to be a spoof. Apparently not.
Wow. That's a horrible video. Anyone click through to their website? There are some gems. For example, in the "love letter" (under "Resources"): "With having an intense, personal and loving relationship with me alone, discovering that only in me is your satisfaction to be found."
** disclaimer: I don't entirely disagree with the theology described in this letter, but it is terribly expressed and theology was not meant to be used to bully teenagers. Tabernac.
Ugh - bad acting. Wow. Yeah, the script was terrible, but the acting could have almost saved it. As it is - just a big waste of time and money.
But hey, you want to pay me for some bad acting - I'll take your money.
Was this video meant as a response to that "Just blow him already, but get off the intercom" one from a few years back? That's what it seemed like to me.
Also, anything with "Purity" in the name should somehow tie back to Nazi theories of racial purity, because that would be funny.
The bear isn't telling the young man he shouldn't get laid, but rather that he shouldn't get laid with the young woman. Between the front porch scene and the chapel scene, there's an implied bear-sex scene.
I mean, come on: "Look at me, I"m cuddly."
62: I don't think that's necessarily the case. I know a few bears, and I think it's just as likely they went out for brunch and then spent the afternoon looking at antiques.
"Look, you're only sixteen. Rick Santorum didn't put his stuffed animals away until he was 23. That's what normal decent people are like".
It's probably true that any 16 year old who finds this video remotely persuasive shouldn't be having sex.
Little did the Unfoggetarians know that the terrorist attack about which they had been idly speculating was already underway, and would be directed at their compound. If any of them had lived, they would have appreciated the irony.
So what's the significance of the bear? I must say it came across as creepy horror movie stylee; I guess it's supposed to remind a young man (or woman) of family values, but I, uh, did not see it coming expect it.
The "angel on the shoulder" has been overdone, so they went with a bear.
If the bear weren't so creepy-looking, sneaking up over his shoulder like that in life-size (for a teddy bear), and weren't such an unappealing bear to boot* ... I'd say it's almost clever. Let your teddy bear be your conscience! You remember, mom and pop tucking you in at night, how warmth and safety and security and family were everything ... you know they are everything! Don't listen to your bros at school; it's about the long game, the values your family demonstrated to you, love and honor and all that. I am teddy bear, hear me!
* My childhood teddy bear is/was much cuter.
Don't forget the "you're worth it." Sluts are, of course, a completely different matter for the young master.
Look, Parsi, the logic is simple and flawless There are some cuddly things, therefore do not fuck other cuddly things. Until marriage.
After marriage, go ahead and sex-up what stuffed animals you want.
74: Oh. Right. Our young female protagonist did, however, invite him in. But she was wearing a shapeless t-shirt and told him he wasn't like the others. Dilemma; clearly, when in doubt re: slutitude, postpone.
She murdered the others. They are buried beneath the floor in the crawl space. When mom noticed the smell, she told her mom maybe a raccoon died in there. Her dad was wiser. He said, "Hold out for marriage and wait until he updates his insurance beneficiary."
19 is awesome and makes me want to write a fantasy novel in which courtly young ladies are taught jiu-jitsu by some version of Bob.
That teddy bear is unspeakably non cute and not cuddly looking at all.
JE's story about the kid taking early graduation over bullying is sad, and I could totally see that happening even today.
I've seen so many of these bad abstinence campaigns I can't even imagine what a good one would look like any more. (OBviously, a really good one would be coupled with how-to-use-a-condom-if-you-must, but that part aside.)
The early graduation kid (now 38) is doing very well in almost every way.
Was she wearing those fabulous Lululemon pants that make every ass look spectacular?
I'm sure I don't look at ladies' asses or recall that she was in regular clothes, obviously on her way out.
77: You act as if the determination is up to her!
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I can't believe I'm watching the Republican debate. It might have something to do with the fact that I took some codeine.
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There's another Republican debate? It seems like they're almost every day now.
If Ron Paul was the type of congressmen who voted in favor of things, some people might be upset that he's been jaunting around with the Santorum-Romney-Gingrich retired-grifter traveling medicine show for the last eight months or so.
84: The only good part is realizing how much Romney probably hates them right now.
God help me, I'm watching too. Is this a less shit-stirring one than before, or am I just watching one of the sections where it's various unrelated questions in a row?
But what about the second video?
It suffers from a distinct lack of creepy bears.
I detected a bit of "goddammit, Massachusetts health reform was conservative!" behind Romney's last statement.
OT: It seems as if dead bodies are disproportionately likely to be found near a certain museum. Is this because the current washes the bodies there, because people are looking at the river there, or because I don't recall the other corpse-finding places from news stories?
It means it's a bad hiding spot for dead bodies, and you should find a new one.
I love this Republican debate. I just watched Gingrich essentially call Romney a plutocrat, and Romney responded by calling Gingrich an influence peddler.
They're both right aren't they.
(93 and 94, also)
I've seen so many of these bad abstinence campaigns I can't even imagine what a good one would look like any more.
Emerson in the archives?
I've seen so many of these bad abstinence campaigns I can't even imagine what a good one would look like any more.
Attempting to keep human beings -- or any animal, really -- from having sex is a foolish waste of time, but a "good" sex-issues campaign might focus on the audience's preparedness for the responsibilities to themselves and one another, w/r/t health, respecting preferences and wishes, avoiding disease, discomfort and unintended pregnancy, etc., etc., without attempting to convince the audience that sex=Satan's Wal-Mart of Death.
99: Some hippie took over my laptop and typed that libertine rubbish.
I, of course, think that everyone just ought to act like ladies and gentlemen.
I think a lot of good could be done by a campaign encouraging young people to ask themselves if they like the people they want to have sex with. Let's not try to shoot the moon; just like each other, enough to be decent.
That's hippie nonsense. Cold showers and coarse wool socks for all!
Seriously, yes. A simple "Do you really want to do this with them? You don't have to do anything, you know" message might be manageable.
Cold showers and coarse wool socks for all!
That is the traditional opening call at a orgy in Finland.
No one wants to hear about how your koala got the pox, Moby.
Well, maybe Emerson.
That final scene with the nearly makeshift cross and the blinds drawn still seems kind of creepy to me. I think what he means when he says she's "worth it" is that she will make a valuable new recruit for the shady cult* he's involved in and what he's really doing is trying to manipulate her desires in order to get her to join.
*The cult of purity, of course.
I think a lot of good could be done by a campaign ...
Yes, well, that's not the point, is it? There are societies where people have healthy attitudes towards sex, and there are some filled with repression and guilt. The point of these ads is nudging ours toward the latter, and they're doing an awful job. Even if these people don't themselves sex about, surely they could hire people who do.
Wait. Repression and guilt are bad?
Repression and guilt should be enjoyed in moderation.
Repression and guilt are fine if you want to raise a generation of freaky perverts. I'm OK with those who know they are freaky perverts, but the ones who act out aggressively and don't know that they're doing it scare the shit out of me.
109: Also true of smoked fishchicken.
Repression and guilt are fine if you want to raise a generation of freaky perverts.
Don't look at me. Moby's the one with the koala.
Damn! Now I'm missing my freaky perversions. Ah, the good old days!
I think my husband is more grateful than not that my parents, being a bunch of big hippies, let me read so many conan the barbarian comics as a young person. I mean, if you have to get freaky perversions from somewhere they may as well be wholesome howard-approved ones. I'm disinclined to speculate about my love of the ghost rider.
114.last: Precocious recognition of Alan Vega's immense talent?
114: The neckbeards would take tantrum-throwing issue with your "howard-approved." They've made quite a little business of defending the poor man's corpus from interpretation. Even John Buscema was never good enough.
I'm disinclined to speculate about my love of the ghost rider.
Great character design is its own justification.
The neckbeards would take tantrum-throwing issue
Apparently also known as "Newgate fringes" because the beard follows roughly the same line as the hangman's noose. Newgate prison being where the condemned cell was.
I watched the video and, I must admit, was utterly blindsided by the bear with the voice of Stephen Hawking. Was that deliberate, do you think? Implying that the bear is incredibly intelligent?
If it's only going to be an Annual Day of Purity, that doesn't seem unduly burdensome to me.
I mean, I haven't really read the link, but masturbation is still permitted, right?
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Perhaps not the most well-thought-out billboard campaign on the Pennsylvania Turnpike: "Connect With Wildlife".
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People who have not clicked the link in 111 should by all means avoid doing so.
hey, I've read all the original howard stories and [many of--ed] the comics are great. I read them both at the same time. if you ask yourself "what would conan do" in a given situation (princess needs to be rescued from worshippers of evil snake-god; jeweled thrones of the earth need to be trod upon by sandaled feet etc.) the comics are quite accurate, in my estimation.
Even John Buscema was never good enough.
there is such a thing as too finicky, you know.
"what would conan do" in a given situation (princess needs to be rescued from worshippers of evil snake-god
Well obvs he'd rescue her, because AFAICR (long time since I read any Howard) it was the only way he ever got laid. Which, for a barbarian hero struck me as slightly odd, but y'know...
Purity Bear should be careful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dAjDKdYcqnU
123: I like some of the new ones. The first artist they had worked really well, I thought, but more recently the art has been a mixed bag.
124: What about Bêlit the scantily-clad queen of the pirates? (Rather racist that she and Conan are the only ones on the ship not described as "coal-black," but it was a different, more racist time, etc., etc.)
And speaking of things that look like spoofs but aren't, Rick Santorum is launching a Conservatives Unite Moneybomb.
126. I will defer to you or practically anybody on your memory of the details of Howard's oeuvre. It's been about 40 years since I read any of it. Have I been missing much?
The pedia thing informs me that Bêlit is a good Akkadian word, which I had never suspected. Perhaps Howard did more research than I wot of. OTOH, Akkadia = northern Iraq, so pirates?
Wiki says that she was supposed to be from Howard's semitic kingdom so the language thing is roughly appropriate; peoples who were naturally acquisitive. So I think we can acquit him of racism.
The covers and quotes on wiki are great. I've never read Howard, so wasn't aware of the Mills & Boon porny-ness of it.
so wasn't aware of the Mills & Boon porny-ness of it
That was the whole point. After Howard cashed his cheque the franchise was continued by Lin Carter and L Sprague de Camp (possibly the best name ever), but the M&B porniness became more heavy handed and just got irritating.
The original stories are a lot of fun.
I bought a volume of the Sax Rohmer Fu-Manchu stuff a couple of years ago, thinking it would be camp fun of that ilk, but really struggled with the turgid prose. Might try some Howard.
I think my favorite of that sort of stuff was CL Moore's Northwest Smith stories.
133. Well worth reading, but you'll probably give them to Oxfam when you've finished them. I'd forgotten that Earth in the Hyborian Age was in fact Pangea.
Leigh Brackett's pulp books are pretty fun. The reprint series "Planet Stories" picks up a lot of those works.
I just want to be loved, is that so wrong?
"Know, O prince, that in the years when the oceans drank Atlantis and the gleaming cities, and the years of the rise of the sons of Aryas, there was an age undreamed of, when shining kingdoms lay spread across the world like blue mantles beneath the stars... Hither came Conan, the Cimmerian, black-haired, sullen-eyed, sword in hand. A thief, a reaver, a slayer, with gigantic melancholies and gigantic mirth, to tread the jeweled thrones of the Earth under his sandaled feet."
He sounds more emo than I would have expected.
Macho types tend to be, he typed un-self-aware-ly.
Speaking of melancholies, I hope the police have checked out the overly eager guy quoted.
That would have also worked with "speaking of lacking self-awareness."
@133
but really struggled with the turgid prose. Might try some Howard.
I don't think that Howard could be accused of turgid prose. Although you might start to get tired of the phrase "mighty thews" after a while.
143: Also, Conan is always leaping like a panther.
And the girls never wear anything that isn't flimsy, filmy, insubstantial, diaphanous, clingy, etc., etc.
Sure. This was centuries before Ann Taylor.
The golden age, really.
Story idea: Gentlemanly Cimmerian rescues well-brought-up Greenwich girl in cashmere twinset, returns her to Mummy and Daddy intact.
Love it. Is there a part for Shia LaBoeuf?
147: the point being that the Greenwich girl remains unstuffed.
Sorry.
146 et seq.
...and the father gasps, "That can't be. My daughter is dead. Yesterday was the anniversary of her death!"
Alternatively, "Don't worry about it. The other barbarians usually leave her hanging in the tree."
You reprobates got no romance in your black hearts, you know that?
The poetry is in my soul, my body, my every movement.
Not to every young girl is it given to enter the harem of the Sultan of Turkey and return to her homeland a virgin.
The most prosaic schoolgirl in England, Philippa Somerville arrived home from Stamboul in the summer, having travelled stoically through Volos, Malta and Venice where she received, with mild distaste, the unexpected bequest of a fortune.
Heh. My mind went to Philippa Somerville, too.
158 -- I'm not actually related to Helen Gloag, but my gggrandfather's sister married into that family.
Poor Helen would have ended up in South Carolina, had the pirate not rescued her from that fate.
Akkadia = northern Iraq, so pirates?
Akkadian was spoken throughout Mesopotamia at least as early as the Old Babylonian period, and later on it became something of a lingua franca throughout much of the Near East, so this doesn't seem so implausible.
there will be no trash-talking of sax rohmer on my watch. my father's complete sax rohmer afforded each of us many hours of childhood pleasure. racist pleasure.
Purity Bear, Purity Bear
Premarital sex he does forswear
Watch him lie
Alone at night
Purity Bear.
157: The poetry is coming from inside the house!
