2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard. This one bugs me. Perhaps it is because I actually chose to try to balance my work/life, and now I am paying the price for not devoting more effort to work. I think this regret is better phrased as "I wish I could have had it ALL," and thus it can be seen for the BS that it really is.
A conspicuous lack of non-ballerism regret
Perhaps it is because I actually chose to try to balance my work/life, and now I am paying the price for not devoting more effort to work
... and you're unhappy about that price at the moment, understandably, since it's obviously a real trade off. Do you think you'll still be unhappy about it on your deathbed?
I find it distressing how much they resemble people's answers to job interview questions where they're asked to name their greatest weakness.
"I wish I hadn't been such a perfectionist"
"I wish I hadn't been so impatient with incompetent co-workers"
etc
I'm not on my deathbed yet, but in contrast to the sample population, I regret not having worked harder. Especially in college, where I estimate that 40 more hours of work in aggregate could have raised my GPA by 50-60 basis points, which would have opened up a completely different set of professional and tertiary educational opportunities for me.
If I'd have worked less hard in college, it would have closed off some educational opportunities and I might have made some money.
1. I wish I'd had more sex
2. I wish I'd gone to Seattle in '99 for the WTO
3. I wish I'd gone to London in '94 for the big anarchist convention
4. I wish I'd stuck it out at the stock brokerage
5. Did I mention the more sex?
I see lots of people who don't seem to evaluate whether their choices make them happy as they go along. Usually the decisions that can cost them quality of life are about working more and dropping friends. Stands to reason they'd have regrets about some of those choices later.
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Megan! [and others]:
I was filling out some kind of email do-gooder survey for some college puke the other day, on the topic of "what would make your neighborhood better". One of the things I mentioned was that I wish that the large institutions who do business in my neighborhood (govt. agencies, big corps, big non-profits & schools) would really take the idea of partnering with the community more seriously. Seems like every time they want to show off how community-minded they are, they come into the neighborhood talking about "partnerships" by which they mean "let us bribe some of the politically connected, middle-class white people into supporting us, and the rest of you can be a rubber stamp on our plans."
In your line of work, how seriously does anyone take these "partnerships"? Is it as cynical as I've described? What could average folx do to push big institutions to be more partnership-oriented, i.e. actually listening to people and collaborating on a solution rather than just imposing one option or another that was dreamed up at City Hall or corporate headquarters or the federal office building?
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I see lots of people who don't seem to evaluate whether their choices make them happy as they go along. Usually the decisions that can cost them quality of life are about working more and dropping friends.
I agree with this, and think it's even more likely to be the case when the choices at issue don't even seem like choices in the moment--sure, saying "no" when a friend invites you out to hang out is a choice, but pretty soon, people are going to stop inviting you out, expecting your "no," at which point it's easy to stop noticing the daily choice you're making to not proactively reach out.
Oh, and Megan, what's the best email to reach you at? I tried the megan_archives one...
10: Nobody has ever wanted to partner with a community regardless of whatever.
1. I wish I'd had more sex taken the idea of "partnering with the community" more seriously.
If I had worked harder at critical moments earlier in my life I could be working less hard today. Also, if you can break through to a certain level professionally work can be fun, and a kind of fun that is more resistant to declines in physical health than youthful pleasures. That's why Senators usually have to be carried out of the place on a stretcher.
Also, more sex.
Also on the working harder. I don't particularly wish I'd spent more time at work, but I did the minimum throughout school and college, and largely later on (I've worked hard here and there, but not reliably for long.) With a slightly different personality, I could be much better at what I do, and be doing more interesting stuff.
My kids seem to be less bone-lazy than I am, which is nice. They may make something of themselves.
And more sex when I was single would have been nice. The last seventeen years have been pretty good, but before that not so much.
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Bay Area peeps: I have a spare ticket for a sixty-part polyphony tonight at eight, near Berkeley. Complete stunner of a piece. Anyone?
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So 1,3,and 5 all seem to be variants of "I wish I hadn't been such a coward"
I remember there was a movie about the afterlife whose premise was that the only thing you would be judged by was how much you had overcome your fears.
Ah, yes, "Defending Your Life" starring Albert Brooks.
Overcoming fears sounds like a good thing until you realize that lots of people are really afraid of sounding like a racist, being arrested for sexual assault, and writing novels.
Just imagine what would happen if all those religious folk whose fear of God's retribution is the only thing keeping them honest were to overcome their fears. Total bloodbath.
I'm very skeptical that "working harder" is a reliable recipe for a more satisfying career. Maaaybe it's a necessary condition (for most people), but it's a hell of a long way from a sufficient one. And if you'd spent your life hoping to "break through to a certain level" and not doing so, it's pretty easy to see how you'd end up regretting that decision (even if you're reaped various other career-related rewards along the way).
I have a list of names in case somebody ever proves God doesn't exist.
There's a quotation which is alleged to have come from Mark Twain which I read in an article but haven't been able to source.
"A child's first duty is to choose his parents carefully." My biggest regret (used loosely to mean something like source of sorrow) is not having done a better job at that crucial task. Obviously, I had no control over that in real life, and Twain, if indeed he said it, was making an altogether different point.
Bay Area peeps: I have a spare ticket for a sixty-part polyphony tonight at eight, near Berkeley. Complete stunner of a piece. Anyone?
I'll take it!
21 - See this awesome piece from the Hairpin.
Shouldn't 17 be posted in the Choral Rift thread?
18: That's about right. I wish I had taken some more risks earlier in my life. I have however made up for much of that self-deprivation later on. I'm not going to be regretting very much as the lights go out.
Probably not my biggest regret, but unless I change something, I will regret never having lived someplace with predominantly metamorphic and igneous subsurface rocks rather than sedimentary one. Glaciated landscape a plus.
Also more sex (or at least more with other people present).
NYC FTW! We're metamorphic as all get-out around here.
You could always retire to a volcano.
30 -- I can help you with the first. As to the second, you're on your own.
It is entirely possible that I don't understand what an igneous subsurface rock entails.
25: Excellent. The part of the audience that isn't elegantly aged in tweed runs to intense music students*; we can swap jeats if we've a neighbor you'd like to meet.
*And math nerds, but surely there won't be four in a row.
It is entirely possible that I don't understand what an igneous subsurface rock entails.
Granite, like your counter top.
Why does your deathbed self get to be the authoritative arbiter? Fuck that guy. He doesn't have to go on living for decades with the consequences of his unicorn wishes.
Granite is formica with bits of hardened egg. Got it.
Central park schist! It's how they always know the body was moved in Law and Order.
37: presumably becuase he likely has a better perspective on how all your life choices ultimately turned out.
31:Yep. I've had that thought. Always something I appreciate when I go to the NYC area. My wife grew up (and my in-laws lived for years) relatively close to the Palisades. The State Line Lookout is one of the most under-appreciated great scenery places in the US (too close to too many people, no one goes there--see also the Falls of the Potomac above DC).
I regret eating all those potato chips instead of real food this morning.
30: I can help you with the first.
CC's going to subsidize my moving to western Montana? Great!
ce nest rien!
Wait a minute. I could have stuck with the French a little longer
je ne regrette rien!!
26 is so crazy. I can't believe he still had to work with the dude after that. I want to see the sequel!
I mentioned my rock regret to a friend who instantly declared it "fucking insane", but then allowed that he always regretted not having ever lived in a house with a turret. I like the enjoy people's minor idiosyncratic regrets rather than the depressing big ones.
37: one needs a sheaf of alternative world deathbed selves.
Similar question that annoys me: "what would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?"
35: Perfect. Drop me a line at my e-mail and we can coordinate.
I've wanted to live in a tower my entire life.
Memo to nineteen year old teraz: When you're in your dorm room sitting on a chair chatting with your cute next door neighbour, when she says you might be more comfortable sitting next to her on your bed, she really is making a pass at you. Be a nice boy and take her up on it.
JP: Google Blodgett Canyon, and then tell me, after looking at the pictures, that you're not booking the next flight out.
Clew is Jung, Robinson Jeffers, Yeats, or Rilke!
I have lots of thoughts like teraz's.
55 Doesn't everybody? This is part of the regret not having more sex thing. 20 years too late you realise you could have.
53: Very nice. Unfortunately, I'm about to walk out the door and get on a flight to Florida. And not for "fun".
46.2, 50: Me too! Except that I like the house we bought more than any with turrets that were on the market, all of which were out of our price range anyway. Our neighbor two doors down has one, but the rest of their house isn't as nice. I'm consoling myself by believing that my attic room means I'm in a garret and that's almost as good, which it obviously isn't.
There's a house with a turret down the block from me that can't possibly cost more than $150,000. And we have the Morton Gneiss. It's all over the buildings downtown and on the University campus.
57 -- Did anyone ever wish on their deathbed they'd gone to Florida?
Other than Texans looking for an upgrade?
I don't think I regret much of my foregone sex; with more experience, I still think a lot of it would have gone badly. I do regret plenty of other timidity. Possibly because 54, although Baba Yaga is more the style I was thinking of.
I once saw a house, a big house but not absurdly big by modern mini-mansion standards, that had a turret capped with a smaller versions one of those telescope-housing things they have at observatories.
Why does your deathbed self get to be the authoritative arbiter? Fuck that guy. He doesn't have to go on living for decades with the consequences of his unicorn wishes.
This is pretty much my feeling.
I do spend a lot of time evaluating whether my choices make me happy as I go along. Sometimes I get that evaluation wrong, but that's certainly my goal.
(I do wish I was better at keeping in touch with friends, but that's a different issue)
Did anyone ever wish on their deathbed they'd gone to Florida?
I'm sure plenty of people wish they hadn't. De Soto, for one.
Not that I have a whole lot of sympathy for him.
65: Antonin Cermak for another.
Thorn, a garret rather than a turret means you are definitely the heroin & not her evil anima. Which was obvious.
Private observatories worked before cheap streetlights.
....okay, I think I'll go misspell my actual work now.
62: She had a tower? I thought she had a hovel on animate chicken-legs.
This private observatory was built sometime in the past dozen years.
71: psh. New money.
70: she does. I figure it could nest on the widows' walk.
Also, I wish I'd been an Oscar Mayer wiener.
Not many headstones with, "On the whole I'd rather be in Boca Raton" .
The not-having-more-sex regret not only assumes that your life has many cases like teraz's, but that you have so many of them that, if you had taken them all, you would die saying "I had enough sex."
Truth is, we all of a few missed opportunities like that, but none of them would really tip the balance of our lives.
Also, how gendered is this regret? Is regretting not having enough sex primarly a guy thing?
How about not experimenting more during sex--do people have that as a regret? Why are we so concerned about quantity rather than quality?
I've reached the age where I'm just beginning to lose the close friends who are also my own exact contemporaries: one in 2007, one last year, both to aggressive cancers diagnosed late. This, combined with my dad's death in 2010, has I think sharpened my attention to the question: "what will I be cross with myself about, if I find I haven't done it when they come for me?" It's all concrete stuff -- actual projects, like getting maybe two or three of the six or seven book projects I've been half-assed about for the last decade actually completed and published. (The one book I have had published -- 83 pages long! Just call me Macaulay! -- was written as much as anything so that my mum could read a book with my name on the cover before she died; which she did, so I guess yay...)
How about not experimenting more during sex--do people have that as a regret?
"All that time in all those bath-houses - wasted! How I wish I'd stuck to a sensible randomised, controlled, double-blind protocol!"
A conspicuous lack of non-ballerism regret
I actually have a reference to this song as my "most private thing I'm willing to admit" on OKC.
When I was younger, I always thought my main regret was going to be "I wish I'd destroyed all my enemies". These days it seems more like it will be "I wish I hadn't destroyed all my enemies so early on"
Truth is, we all of a few missed opportunities like that, but none of them would really tip the balance of our lives.
Contemplating one that happened after I was married, I'd have to disagree with you there.
The not-having-more-sex regret not only assumes that your life has many cases like teraz's, but that you have so many of them that, if you had taken them all, you would die saying "I had enough sex."
Truth is, we all of a few missed opportunities like that, but none of them would really tip the balance of our lives.
Speak for yourself. I do wonder about the gender angle, though.
82 reminds me of: "When Alexander the Great was 33 he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer. Eric Bristow is only 27."
These days it seems more like it will be "I wish I hadn't destroyed all my enemies so early on"
If you run out, you're welcome to start on mine. I'll send you a list.
Contemplating one that happened after I was married, I'd have to disagree with you there.
Dan Gallagher? Is that you?
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It ain't the moon, but I like to think it is.
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I think that having taken some of my missed opportunities could actually have significantly improved my life, not because of them in themselves, but because of what their (presumptive) later effects on my outgoingness, comfort with others, etc. would have been.
Of course I would already have had to have such traits in order to have taken/recognized them in the first place, so, like most what-ifs, the whole thing is somewhat incoherent.
Sid Waddell: "When Alexander the Great was 33 he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer. [Eric] Bristow is only 27."
s/b "no more worlds to conquer..."
3. ... and you're unhappy about that price at the moment, understandably, since it's obviously a real trade off. Do you think you'll still be unhappy about it on your deathbed?
That depends on when my deathbed comes.
If I can live long enough and earn money enough to dig myself out of this hole, and if my currently young and selfish kids grow up enough to show me some gratitude, and if I have enough health and money to do some of the things I would like to do before I die, then maybe I'll think I struck just the right balance between work and family.
Who knows.
Best Catblogging Picture Ever
Whew, I was thinking it was going to be bob's dogs playing with a severed cat head.
I think maybe this year I'll order a quarter of a bison so I don't have that regret. Also need to go out to see my brother more often and start shooting some wild pigs.
how gendered is this regret? Is regretting not having enough sex primarly a guy thing?
When I was single, I was very sure I wasn't having enough sex. I regretted it in the moment and knew I'd be mad about it later.
You're not chopped liver, LB. I'm seconding you (and working my way around to answering Natilo and X.).
I do wish I would have had more sex, but the thing is all throughout my life I wished that, and tried very hard to fulfill my wish, so I don't consider that a real regret.
I wish I had known at age 12 when Armstrong walked on the moon that there was NO chance for me ever to do that in my lifetime.
I wish I had known at age 12 when Armstrong walked on the moon that there was NO chance for me ever to do that in my lifetime.
Newt's still in the race, so don't give up hope just yet.
Everyone has the sex regret, and there ought to be a technological fix. A sex whitelist stored in some database perhaps?
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By the way, I love Michelle Obama and Ellen Degeneres having a push-up contest more than anything I've seen in a while. They both have a good plank, too. Ms. Obama could go a little deeper, but Ellen does a real nice push-up.
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People would get notifications iff they appeared on each other's list.
99: That would only work if there's a rough gender balance (making allowances for orientation). I don't think we have a clear sense of that yet, although LB and Megan have indicated that it's not as imbalanced as rob implied.
101. Should this be my retirement project? Running ShyHookup.com?
76: Sure, put me on the list for more sex, better sex.
I don't yet regret not doing pushups, but maybe I should.
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BF's dad went in for brain surgery to remove a tuner on his optic nerve this morning at 9. His brother and Mom were called at 1:30, but we haven't heard anything yet.
This part is nerve-wracking
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I am going to need some Megan powerlifting instruction, because this enormous baby is not walking at all and weighs too fucking much. (He's already ruptured a disc in my back. No lie. My doctor took one look at him and said, "The second he can walk never carry him again.")
Oh please. The easiest ways to have more sex are to either ask more often or to lower standards or both. There are costs associated with both-- asking too often will repel people who are withdrawn or choosy, and lowering standards will too, not to speak of the internal costs. Also, not just with this part of being human, the internal rewards of a disciplined life can't be assessed objectively, the alternative path can only be speculatively imagined.
Is it possible that this was a survey of well-off elderly Brits who grew up with a rigid social code that they internalized? Asking the same question of people who wound up poor in a less restrictive environment might not come out the same way, yielding more of "be nicer to people" and "suck it up and pay your bills".
105: I had really high hopes for Rutgers, teo. I was sure some nice Jewish girl was going to hit you on the head and drag you back home to Saddle River.
109: In retrospect, there were many, many opportunities while I was there that I definitely should have taken but didn't for reasons that are entirely my own fault. On the plus side, I did finally figure out that it's actually the school environment itself that's problematic for me, which puts my similarly frustrating undergraduate experience in a better context.
103: I give the idea to you, chris. One could also have entries for fooling around, relationship, and various kinks.
89: Bob, that's a great picture.
I think 99's been done more than once.
Would like to make clear that I only don't regret not having more bad sex, but bad sex seems very prevalent.
I visited Jamaica for fieldwork in the, hm, late 80s, and was fascinated by the local academics tut-tutting about male demimondains. I wanted to knöw how they convinced the female clients they would be safe & happy.
106: Ugh, that's rough. Hope everything works out.
111. Oh yes. I'll spend the next 3 months playing with the algorithms and not implementing them.
108: Yes, that's quite true. Perhaps those of us who are complaining should all hightail it to our respective county hospitals, where we stand outside the door, propositioning every dipsomaniac who comes in to have their gangrenous limb removed. That would shut us up pretty quick!
Hmm. User validation might be a problem.
106. That's a bugger. Fingers crossed.
In retrospect, there were many, many opportunities while I was there that I definitely should have taken but didn't for reasons that are entirely my own fault.
You weren't wearing the ranger hat, were you.
You weren't wearing the ranger hat, were you.
I didn't even bring it with me. Again, in retrospect, etc.
107. Shit. But he's not very old to be walking yet, surely? I'm reminded of a friend who had a muscle problem after in consequence of giving birth to twins, and the health visitor cheerfully told her to avoid heavy lifting.
109: hit you on the head and drag you back home to Saddle River.
Triassic sedimentary, but close to the NYC stuff and to the west some Jurassic basalts and Precambrian granite.
Sure, put me on the list for more sex, better sex.
Okay, but my appointment book is getting really full. How does August look for you?
I kind of wish I'd been more ambitious about my career. I wasn't for various reasons, nor did I work all that in college, so I've ended up with a very humdrum legal job I'm not that happy in plus as it turned out no spouse or kids.
I would like to have had more opportunities for sex (ones involving no humiliating next day scenes). Not, like, all in relationships but not just one night stands either as I find them unsatisfactory even on just a basic level.
Just got word that he's in the ICU. Don't know if that's normal or not.
106: I hope you get good news soon. Waiting is no fun.
107.last I hope that works for you, but don't know how it could. I have no answers there.
Oh and 124: Let me check with Lee and get back to you.
Don't know if that's normal or not.
That's absolutely normal. If he's still there in 48 hours, start asking questions.
130: The Canadians won't think I'm a pushy American? Hopkins apparently has a special neuro ICU. DOn't know about St. Michael's.
My powerlifting instruction for new lifters?
1. Read Stumptuous.
1.5. Check with a doctor if you know you're injured.
2. Pay a trainer. (What would you pay to be in great shape and uninjured? Great. Start making much smaller down payments to a trainer.)
3. Do not fuck around with anyone who doesn't support one main goal: fucking strong. "Toned." "Strengthen core." "Good cardio." Those are all byproducts of doing whole body lifts of heavy weights. Other byproducts? Your life gets easier as everything becomes relatively much lighter. Your bones stay dense and don't break when you're old. The question to ask your trainer is "How do you make your women fucking strong?"
4. Get a trainer who will teach you as much technique as you can stand. I looooove technique, so I'm willing to hear about it on a muscle-by-muscle basis. If you don't love technique, find out how your trainer imposes good technique without talking about it in endless detail.
5. People have lives, so it is hard to do this part, but eat, sleep and get massage to support your strength and body. Can't get strong on erratic eating. You need sleep to lift heavy. Massage IS that day's workout, and keeps away injury.
It takes time (and money makes it vastly easier). But the pay-off is so worth it. Arriving home on a Sunday evening, in the rain with a heavy mattress to bring in? Done. Whiny kid gets tired at State Fair? Fine, I'll carry him on my shoulders indefinitely. Two boys are at the gouging stage of fighting? I can lift one off the other with one hand and then tell them to stop. Bags of concrete to re-stack before the rain comes? Handled. Being strong makes a lot of interactions with life much better.
Your bones stay dense and don't break when you're old.
You want to be careful not to crush the things between your bones too much.
That's the trainer's job, to make sure you aren't crushing body parts. Your job is to show up and lift what she points at, in the way she tells you.
Since I'm catching up...
X, I got your email. I've just been terrible about email. I will write you back with helpful suggestions!
I did that once, but it was the warehouse for Big Lots.
BG, sympathies - I have been in a similar position and it's impossible not to fret even though it does nothing.
Oudemia, ouch! I often think I could never cope with my back issues if I had small kids. (due to have it injected soon to give me a pain reduced window within which to develop core muscles of steel)
131. Your almost father in law has just had brain surgery. I said ask questions, not demand solutions. The Canadians would be barbarians if they resented that.
When I had a heart valve replaced I was in ICU for about 12 hours, but a friend who had a multiple bypass was much longer. I don't know what the going rate is for brain stuff, but if you're under anaesthetic for a long time it takes you a while to recover. Don't panic , Mr Mainwaring!
There should be somebody on hand to keep relatives posted, probably the manager of the ward he'll eventually go back to. They're used to it: it's their job.
130: For that sort of surgery? Yes, normal. Yeah, the waiting is very rough. Find something distracting to do. I either read or get into some sort of auto-hypnotic trance where I'm not spinning mental wheels.
I wish my dad had been in the ICU for observation after his operation. He was doing so well they didn't think it was necessary.
I'm home sick with my cold, so my brain still isn't great. Not that it ever was. Thanks all.
BF's Mom is a real worrier, and I think she handled it worse than he did. Hopefully, we'll be able to reach them at the hotel later.
The day off is what heals rather than the massage. But yeah, sleep is a big deal as is the proper technique. Not all Crossfitters are equal in this regard. There are Crossfitters doing Olympic style lifts after they're way too fatigued to maintain form and it's dangerous as hell.
He had the same surgery 5 years ago, and they were able to preserve his vision in that eye for a while. Then it got all blurry. The thing just started growing again. Maybe they'll be less worried about the vision in that eye now and just cut the whole thing out.
133: I know you're kidding, but that's basically why I gave up climbing. I kept fracturing a bone in my middle finger. I had my bone density tested, it it was in the 99th percentile for my age (mid-twenties, at the time), so I don't know what else I could have done. Well, I suppose I could have stopped using my middle finger for one-finger pockets, but I'm too competitive to go to a comp and purposely use bad technique, and too competitive to not compete.
What's a good old man sport? Golf? Swimming? Power-walking?
When my gym is being snobby, we worry that Crossfit doesn't have enough emphasis on form. When we aren't being snobby, we think that Crossfit is as close as conventional gyms get to being a lifting gym and we wish them well.
144: I wasn't kidding. I was speaking about cartilage.
How would one go about finding a good trainer? Most of the ones I've bene made aware of (not that I've ever actually looked, but sometimes I've nevertheless stumbled upon them) haven't been what I would be looking for, if I were looking.
I've wondered about that. I haven't been lifting in years (pretty much since I started bike commuting). But a couple of times before that, I tried working with trainers, and I found them all unsatisfying. I kept on saying things like "I just want to get stronger" and kept on getting told to stand on one foot waving fifteen pound weights around.
I don't know; I lucked out with mine and didn't have to search. Thoughts:
Your starting point has to be "how do you emphasize strength (for women)?" The only good answer is full body lifts (powerlifting or weightlifting). If they say "toning" or "sit-ups", you can move on to the next.
Try real lifting gyms, not conventional gyms.
Maybe ask a trainer to narrate what she's seeing while you do a squat? I would like to hear a steady stream of thoughts about knee position and back flexion and grip and details about your lift.
The first hard problem is going to be trainers who take strength seriously (not fat loss or appearance). The next problem will be finding one who won't get you hurt. After that, personality match.
Oh, if they say "circuit workouts on machines" you can cross them right off.
I kept on saying things like "I just want to get stronger" and kept on getting told to stand on one foot waving fifteen pound weights around.
I've said before that I love the trainer that I work with -- and there's a lot of the "stand on one foot and wave this weight around" kind of stuff. The things that have helped me buy into that are (1) it's really obvious how this is supposed to help -- I have enough experiences where he'll start one exercise, I'll groan, and he'll say, "I think we need to start with something easier" and start working the same muscles at a different angle. (2) It works -- not only do I have a feeling of steady improvement, but I walk out of the gym after each session feeling different than I walked in (not that I feel strong each time, but that I feel that my body is functioning in better alignment). (3) As inspiring as Megan's "get fucking strong" ideal is, that really isn't my body type. Unlike LB, I don't have massively overbuilt joints. My joints aren't a problem, but it's definitely better for me to err on the side of caution with them.
I will say, however, that the trainer himself is fucking strong and claims that he's gotten a lot stronger over the last 10 years as he's been developing his system of "stand on one leg and wave weights around" -- watching him, who am I to doubt.
|| Good God, could airport TV be more annoying? |>
(Had to ditch the rendezvous with the niece.)
I don't think strength is the only thing worth working on. Definitely the most important single thing, if you have to pick, but also definitely not the only one. Though the oly lifts will also work on flexibility and movement and a lot of other things besides just strength alone.
Given the state of emphasis on women's fitness, though, Megan's questions are probably the right one. Circuit workouts on machines or working on "tone" = total bullshit.
152: Yeah, the thing is that working with a trainer I've generally seen less improvement than working on my own, not more. If I'm lifting weights on my own (which I haven't done in forever, and I've never been terribly strong), I'm easily bored and impatient, so I do bench presses, lat pull downs, squats, and deadlifts (figuring that that hits most of the large body parts, and the smaller bits probably get worked incidentally), and I get noticeably stronger. The times I've worked with a trainer, I've been doing all sorts of complicated stuff with fairly light weights that really is a lot of effort and seems difficult, but the weights I'm using don't seem to change.
157 -- just go to any place that emphasizes powerlifting or oly lifting, and you won't have this problem. Globogym is pretty much worthless.
156 -- no, you just lift like one.
I'm not saying that "complicated stuff with light weights" is inherently good -- I really believer that the trainer I've worked with is exceptionally good, which implies the belief that there are other, less good trainers out there -- just that it can work.
We can discuss eating protein and mobility and balance once they're already excited about becoming strong. To get them in the door (and able to carry large babies), I think strength is the first emphasis.
This is mostly moot -- when I'm biking, I don't really have the time or energy to lift regularly.
159 was just making fun of Urple, but was kind of sexism fail. To be clear, Megan can almost certainly lift more than I can.
To get them in the door ... I think strength is the first emphasis.
See, that would have gotten me to walk out the door immediately. Yes, gender plays into these interactions a lot, but I would have had no interest in a trainer who said that he would make me "fucking strong." But I was immediately interested in a trainer who said, "if you learn these techniques you can continue to get stronger and faster as you get older, rather than having your fitness decline over time."
That was what got me in the door.
161 -- Endurance, stamina, and speed are also key skills when dealing with carrying the babies.
165 is me also, which may be why I just run and maybe do sit-ups and stretches if I'm not too lazy.
Thinking about it now, I realize part of why I was attracted to that pitch is because I was worried about the weight-lifting equivalent of "yo-you dieting."
If somebody had said, "in six months I'll have you lifting [heavy weight]" the question in the back of my head would have been, "what happens after that when I get busy and then get sick and get into the gym 3 times total in two months."
Framing the goals specifically in terms of years rather than months made it easier for me to feel like I didn't have to feel guilty every time I stopped keeping up with the work (though I feel a little guilty), and to treat it as acquiring skill (which can have lulls) rather than a linear program.
When the zombies or CHUDS come after us, I'm thinking that speed in mid-range distances (say 2 to 10 miles) is going to be the difference between having food and being food.
Gosh I'm typo-prone at the moment. It's clearly Friday (and I'm finally getting a bit of a respite from working way too much and my concentration is completely shot).
To be clear, Megan can almost certainly lift more than I can.
Some lifts, probably. Other lifts I'd expect you to be able to lift heavier. Eh. Trainers always tell chicks they could make incremental progress and then they give them baby steps to work on. Someone who says from the get-go, 'I will make you very strong' is probably not going to waste your time with pink-covered eight-pound weights.
And, yes. Anything can be turned into a hard and productive exercise. Holding 10lbs out at arm's length while doing walking lunges would become demanding very quickly. But dude. If you're going to be doing something hard, you might as well look bad-ass under a big 'ole bar.
The quote in 91 really is magnificent.
The main reason I exercise is mood elevation; it's the most effective antidepressant I've yet tried. So everything else is secondary to the question, "what sort of exercise will I be able to force myself to do, almost every day?" One problem with anything that involves a gym is that it introduces the whole bother of bringing gym clothes, dealing with being sweaty, etc. I've been pretty good about sticking to my current regimen of biking up Twin Peaks, and park of that is the simplicity--I go, I come back, I then shower & dress as normal. Still, it's not doing anything for my upper body or core (unless you count the "carry the bike up to the very peak" part), and "looking good naked" is certainly another desideratum. So, hrmm.
In any case, the point is mood for the moment, since I'm totally broke. But I'm certainly keeping the weights thing in mind.
/me, me, me
I'm a member at the Y, but I don't trust the trainers there at all. I'd like to spend time doing ashtanga yoga.
Megan,
I'd be seriously interested to see your schedule mapped out, like, what time do you get up in the morning and when do you go to bed? How long is your commute? How much time does it take you to exercise and shower etc.? You're doing this with a car and not relying on public transit, right? When do you go food shopping and when do you fit in meal prep?
I'm really not joking. I really don't understand how people exercise and hold down jobs--even without kids.
I like the weekly cardio workout I'm doing, but it doesn't have the same observable impact as the strength-plus-stuff workouts did. Although the latter was damaging my lower legs along the way (stupid high-knee jogging-in-place), so that wasn't so good.
And I know that I don't stretch enough, but I'm not sure what stretches I should be doing.
Since we're talking strength, and that's my second or third favourite thing to talk about, an anecdote:
I went 9 months without setting foot in a gym. (Don't feel too bad for me; I've since got back under the bar.) During that 9 months I got stronger and about 10 pounds of muscle heavier by sprinting in the park, and doing gymnastics stuff in the park, at home, and in the office. Working out in very compressed time scales with very minimal equipment is very viable.
I don't have the time or energy to go into everything I did. Email if you want details. Here is a summary:
- Get some gymnastics rings. They'll cost you about £30 on ebay. Read on the Internet about how to use them. This will be the most effective upper body workout you can find.
- Sprint, jump, bound for the legs. The gymnastics stuff helps here as well. e.g. doing things like reverse cranks will achieve everything a reverse hyper will.
- Get a pullup bar for home (optional).
- Do stuff like L-sits, planches, pushups etc. when you have a few spare minutes. You need virtually no space for these.
The main reason I exercise is mood elevation; it's the most effective antidepressant I've yet tried.
Ding ding. This fits in with what jms was saying in the heartache thread: working out to exhaustion feels good. I did half an hour on the treadmill earlier this week for the first time in months and was so energized I couldn't/didn't want to go to sleep.
Josh, somehow I had in my mind that you worked out like an hour or two a day.
I'm a member at the Y, but I don't trust the trainers there at all. I'd like to spend time doing ashtanga yoga.
It can be hard to find ashtanga classes; a lot of places won't teach them on a casual, drop-in basis. Ashtanga Yoga Boston is super close to my house, but they're quite a bit too intense for me. O2 in Somerville has a couple of ashtanga classes a week, including a 2nd series class. I'd recommend my teacher at the Y, but I know you didn't feel like you got that much out of her class that one time. What happened with Back Bay, I thought you liked it there?
IMO the stuff in 178 is amazingly awesome and works, but is very difficult to get into unless you already have a trainer or are very strong/in good shape already.
180: I was doing that for a while (and it felt great!) but then life intervened. Turns out it's a lot easier to do that when you have no social life.
One problem with anything that involves a gym is that it introduces the whole bother of bringing gym clothes, dealing with being sweaty, etc.
This has generally been the barrier for me to doing more exercise (as I've discussed here before). In theory I would like to improve my upper-body strength, and the mood-enhancing effects of exercise sound good too, but having to deal with all that gym stuff stops me cold.
You should just step outside your door and run.
185: still with the sweatiness and (thus) the need for other clothes.
181: Back Bay's not bad. I'd need to buy a light yoga mat to get to their Saturday classes. My black mat is too much to carry around, and they don't provide them. It takes me about an hour to get there by bus, so it eats your whole day.
They've changed the Y policies, so now I could go to the Cambridge Y, but they didn't have reciprocity with the Greater Boston Y, and they charge a bunch for yoga. I suppose it would work well if I joined and rented a locker so that I could stop in on my way home. Otherwise I'd be carrying my gym bag around town all day on the bus.
I liked your teacher quite a bit. I just worried that I could be doing something wrong and wouldn't get corrected or she'd push me hard and i'd get injured. I can't do a proper plank and need to find something to build up to it etc.
The Ashtanga Yoga Boston people do seem seem a bit intense. I'm not ready for Mysore style, and I'm not in to the whole moon day business yet.
Yin Yoga (for stretching out ligaments kind of fascinates me). Sarah Powers just sounds awesome.
184 -- you don't actually need to solve this problem; you just need to be convinced that exercising is worth the very minor inconvenience. And the only way to do that is to try it for a bit.
you don't actually need to solve this problem; you just need to be convinced that exercising is worth the very minor inconvenience.
Well, yes, but easier said than done.
189: you think he's not going to get sweaty?
O2 might work for the occasional Saturday. I rarely get home before 7:40 on weeknights.
Anyway, running doesn't really address what I want, which is to build upper-body strength. I already walk almost everywhere I go, which seems like plenty of lower-body and cardiovascular exercise for my purposes, although it's not intensive enough for the mood effects to kick in.
186: I was told there was a whole school of exercise local to Alaska that kept you in hunting trim while using almost no space. Walking around on your hands while in full lotus, sort of thing.
Pushups and squats and situps in my jammies works for me. Occasionally visit someone to improve your form.
I was told there was a whole school of exercise local to Alaska that kept you in hunting trim while using almost no space. Walking around on your hands while in full lotus, sort of thing.
Interesting. I hadn't heard of this, but it makes sense that it would exist.
Shoveling snow would probably work, but it might seem kind of weird to be out there shoveling sidewalks for which I'm not responsible.
The stuff in 178 sounds good too, and I recall Halford once mentioning some insane thing he does along the same lines.
But communitarian! And people might ask you in and give you hot cocoa and introduce you to their eligible daughters. Wear the hat.
And people might ask you in and give you hot cocoa and introduce you to their eligible daughters.
Not in this neighborhood. I guess I could go to another one, but I suspect in neighborhoods like that people shovel their own walks.
Wear the hat.
Surprisingly enough, I don't have it with me here either!
198: I did that a couple of weeks ago. I got cookies from old ladies.
Hm, maybe there's more to this idea than I had thought. First I'll need to acquire a shovel.
Anyway, running doesn't really address what I want, which is to build upper-body strength. I already walk almost everywhere I go
Have you tried walking on your hands? Extraordinary upper-body exercise.
Have you tried walking on your hands?
Sounds like it requires more balance than I can reliably muster.
It just takes practice. Watch a toddler learn to walk. It's the same basic idea, just upside down.
And you can wear gloves, silly.
Natilo at 10: In your line of work, how seriously does anyone take these "partnerships"?
The city council office I worked for took them very seriously. We had resources dedicated to community organizing that worked with church groups, IAF groups, a soccer organization that represented thousands of families (that may sound SWPL but in LA it actually means the working-class Latino families who are thumbwrestling the middle-class white people for use of green space).
The seriousness is going to be exactly proportionate to the degree of community organization. The white middle class people aren't getting the bribes solely by virtue of status but by dint of organization -- homeowners, neighborhood watches, etc. Our office had staff invested in building up organizations in working-class communities so that there would be people to turn to when Wells Fargo came looking for partners in addition to the usual suspects. A visible, credible organization that has goals is catnip to a big grant-making organization or even a grocery store with an idea -- if they can throw some money at your community project, see results, and get some good press out of the bargain, why wouldn't they? The longer-term the project, the more credibility you need -- it's easier to get support for a one-day clean-up than for a pocket park, but if there's an organization that can take responsibility for it, people will get behind you.
Obvs this works better for some projects than others. Your Watch The Cops/Cashless Economy Commune may be a hard sell with Safeway.
With the Feds it's a bit different from the way other organizations work; most agencies are required by law to seek public input on most major projects, and they rarely go out looking for "community partnerships" as such. Different agencies fulfill these requirements with varying degrees of seriousness, but the courts have generally interpreted the relevant laws pretty strictly, and many projects have been derailed after someone sues over insufficient opportunities for public comment and wins. The best way to get involved in these sorts of projects from the community perspective is to keep track of when agencies are soliciting comments or holding public meetings and actively participating at those times. Some agencies do treat this process as a rubber-stamping of what they've already decided to do, but others take it quite seriously and often make major changes to projects in response to public comment.
Not lifting enough weights sure as hell ain't gonna be one of my deathbed regrets.
If you didn't put them down, then you'd regret it.
How about not enough finger jams into your favorite strata?
182: Starting points are body rows, pushups against a wall, and planks. Anyone can do these.
Teo: get a pullup bar. The Iron Gym one or an equivalent. Do pushups and pullups. Use a wall to help you balance in a headstand. When you have that, put your feet on a chair and start working on a headstand pushup. Also start working on tucked front lever on your pullup bar. That's enough to get started.
I did a post at my largely neglected personal blog expanding a bit on what I was saying in 110. Just in case anyone's interested.
I'd be seriously interested to see your schedule mapped out
BG, I'm the first to say that the reason my life is so nice is that I live close to work and gym. Both are about a mile from me. My morning ride in takes six-seven minutes. I used to ride four minutes to my gym, but recently have been walking 10-11 minutes instead.
I workout three nights a week, from 7-8pm. If I were doing anything goal-directed (competing, body shaping, strength-building) I might add a weekend morning. But I don't have an additional goal right now, so three days a week is keeping me at a plateau.
When do I shop? Without fail, at Farmers' Market on Sunday morning for produce. Other stuff I shop for as I run out of milk, pretty much. Every three-four days, also a mile away, but in another direction from work or the gym.
Being close to everything makes it much easier.
In your line of work, how seriously does anyone take these "partnerships"? Is it as cynical as I've described? What could average folx do to push big institutions to be more partnership-oriented, i.e. actually listening to people and collaborating on a solution rather than just imposing one option or another that was dreamed up at City Hall or corporate headquarters or the federal office building?
Sorry to take so long to answer. But it gets complicated.
1. My small branch of my department takes "collaboration" VERY seriously. But we're still only "collaborating" with policy elites who can attend daytime meetings. Still, it is most of what we do. And it is way expensive for us. We pay three fulltime facilitators, and have a couple more of their staff available to us. We spend tons of time prepping for public meetings. I'd bet it has about doubled the cost of our program. A similar program hired four full time "regional coordinators" to do nothing but to interact with the public and make sure our own department meetings are coordinated so the public can attend them.
So, I can say that my small corner of the state takes public partnerships collaboration seriously enough to spend real money on them. But, we're also thought of as a bunch of weirdos for doing that, and we always make things hard by suggesting that some other branch consult with a group whom we know to have an interest in their project, which would be a hassle and take time. We get politely thanked and our suggestions blown off, I assume. So the change in culture in my branch isn't widespread.
actually listening to people and collaborating on a solution
So here's my bias, which is kinda ugly. But I would be vastly more willing to listen to locals if they said something that amounted to more than the rawest self-interest. You may be thinking of neighborhood programs that are pinpointed to fixing local quality of life stuff. In which case, bigger entities should be listening damn close to 'move that bus stop away from the dangerous blind corner' and 'need more trees on this block' which are specific and locals understand.
But for bigger policy stuff, I swear, the only thing that comes out of local groups is "push the costs of my lifestyle onto someone else" or "protect what is mine with other people's money." No one ever says "the right thing to do would impose this burden on us, and this piece is our fair share; you could design your program so that this cost and no more gets allocated thusly." The reason I mostly don't like interacting with average folx (who aren't policy elites who attend a thousand meetings and learned a little more sophistication) is that they're awful). Pure self-interest tells you what they'll say almost every time.
I don't think I've ever experienced a post-exercise rush - at least, nothing resembling what people talk about. I feel satisfaction that I've done whatever I just did, but it's basically the same feeling I get from taking care of a long-delayed home repair.
Other than the satisfaction of riding faster/stronger, I didn't notice any change in mental state or general energy levels back in the fall, when I was riding a hundred miles per week, relative to the summer, when I was riding maybe 100 miles per month, or the winter, when I've ridden maybe 100 miles in the last 10 weeks.
I've always wished for more upper body strength, but in practical terms I can already do all the things Megan listed - it's very, very rare that I find myself wishing for strength to do a specific task. It's more a vague desire to be able to do pull-ups (OK, and to look better shirtless).
And yes, my only regrets in life revolve around sex, but that's partly intertwined with dubious relationship choices (BOGF). If I'd broken up with my HS GF 6 months before she broke up with me anyway, I would have had a lot more fun in college - a lot of very exciting possibilities were foregone in that period*. As it was, the only semester I was ever dating around was hella fun - I actually had self-confidence and was enjoying myself (which of course is a virtuous circle).
* although something/someone would have had to convince me to abandon chastityvirginity sooner.
(OK, and to look better shirtless).
Oiling things up a bit will help with that.
Specifically, this is what I consider to be my only true regret in life. Everything else has worked out for the best (or was inconsequential), but that was just dumb. We would have had a lot of fun, for some length of time, and I think we would have been good for each other, for awhile at least.
Oh, and of course I regret not calling my mom one night so that she would have left for bowling 15 seconds later and not gotten into the accident. But that's not a real regret, more of a time machine story. Also, I sometimes wonder if, awful as it all was, it wasn't ultimately good for my dad. He's gotten to do a lot of things he never would have with my (wonderful but dominant) mom around.
Bugger, I have been using my hands enough that I probably shouldn't do pushups in my off-week. Thus uniting the topics of this thread: I really regret blowing out my wrists as badly as I did in the 90s, although I don't know if I could have avoided it and stayed employed, and I know enough people who wrecked themselves and didn't vest/IPO that generally I shouldn't complain.
Oh. Old post that I thought was nutty: tech money didn't rely on exploitation? Even leaving coltan and Bay Area Superfund sites out of it, there were a hell of a lot of tech workers sleeping under our desks and blowing out our wrists and eyes and generally forgoing life. Before the boom was half-over -- I'd say, before it was common knowledge -- management knew how to keep hold of most of the promised payoff (hello, dilution). Not Foxconn, but.
Just back from Soviet Canuckistan, where my dad lies dying in a hospital bed. He wants 1). a priest to give him "the sacrament" (last rites, or the sacrament of the sick, or a celebration of life at its end, or whatever the hell euphemistic bs they're calling it nowadays, but we still say "last rites," we're that backward); and 2. his eldest daughter (er, that would be me) to get the paperwork in order so that he can sign a DNR (do not resuscitate) order.
Is this the thread where I can express my deep-seated loathing and contempt for the "death panel" scare-mongerers?
My father is an old-fashioned, old-school RC (an altar boy at St Malachi's, a graduate of St Pat's), but he is absolutely adamant on this point: he doesn't want to be "a goddamn vegetable, hooked up to those machines." And, "Christ, we can't keep everyone going on machines forever..." And my father is very sick now, and wants us to "face reality," and come to terms with "my imminent death."
It would surprise him very much to learn that his desire for a more or less "natural" death might be interpreted as a triumph for the godless secularists, and he, with his mother such a good Catholic, she used to run the bingo for the CWL...
America: so sublime! but sometimes so crazy. I confess I still don't quite get the health care politics.
Very sorry to hear about your father. My thoughts to you and your family.
Yes, very sorry to hear about your situation, Zoé.
I hope your Dad gets his wishes fulfilled, Zoe, (and he gets his last rites immediately).
224: I confess I still don't quite get the health care politics.
The usual sorts want free health care for rich people and as little health care for poor people as they can conceivably get away with because roughly, poor people (and even the less than the hoity-toity) suck. Additionally religious anal-retentatives are keen that everyone should adhere to their exact rules because the rest of you (us) are obviously ungodly heathens destined for the eternal flames.
That's pretty much the whole kitten kaboodle there.
max
['That last part is pretty much the historical bog-standard way things work out, so it's not like it's unusual.']
Sorry about your father, Zoé. A signed DNR does make things easier, hard as it may be to imagine.
224: My Catholic grandfather specifically chose the son most likely to advocate strongly for his DNR wishes as his health care surrogate and not care about what other siblings might prefer, and it was a choice that worked well for our family. I hope you're able to make his time as good as it can be. I'm sorry you're having to deal with it all.
224: Timely reminder as we are just back from Schiavoland where my father-in-law seemed to be in, but then climbed out of that state. Your comment prompted me to ask, and it turns out he apparently does not have a DNR but would like one (he does have a Living Will and Powers of etc.) So I'm trying to print out the form for my wife's return trip this weekend--we actually have the required yellow paper, but not in the 8.5 x 14 size. I'm sure she can get the form itself at the gettin' place.
It really is a hell of a thing, and in my wife's father's case it comes with enough ludicrously intractable living situation complications and imperious behavior in his lucid moments that she doesn't know whether to laugh, cry, collapse in frustration, or strangle him right there in his wheelchair. All of them at once most of the time.
