I have an envious suspicion that I'm missing out on really funny people
I thought you were going more in the "I have an envious suspicion that my actual global funniness percentile isn't high as it appears from living here" direction.
Oh, no. I'm quite happy to be damned with faint local praise.
Tying both threads together! My xfit owner just posted "What's the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?" to his FB page. What an unfunny asshole.
1,2: One-eyed big fish in the small pond of the blind is the way to go.
3: Don't leave us hanging, Heebs! What is the difference!?
Sigh. "Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!" Oh we're a riot.
I can't think of anything appropriately withering that would not just make me look like an old humorless something.
5: one is a woman navigating a series of often-dangerous and difficult choices in a patriarchal world that leaves her few options... and the other's a cup of coffee!
Ahahaha. I love that one.
You could asks if he often mistakes the two and ends up fucking a scalding beverage.
I can't think of anything appropriately withering that would not just make me look like an old humorless something.
"Your mom is the only whore who works that cheap."
'This explains why I walked in on you fucking a paper cup!'
I think those would come across as though I was riffing because I enjoyed the joke.
The other day, he posted this screed on what it means to be a beautiful woman. Basically, a beautiful woman is more than just being fuckable. A beautiful woman is one that you want to spend time around. Also he technically used f**kable, but it was still super-jarring to see someone using that word in earnest.
6: Not that you're not objectively funny, but with the local floor so low I'm surprised you haven't killed anyone with laughter. Yet. That should be your real secret fear.
There's more to being a cup of coffee than being fuckable, too.
I like my women like my coffee cups, fuckable and disposable.
I'm already calling the moving company. See you soon!
My secret fear is that this is about as good as it's going to get [for me]. Because, frankly, fuck that.
Heebie you should tell him you're fairly sure he's kidding but if not he should be very careful about sticking his penis in scalding coffee lest he suffer severe burns.
I was trying to dig up a journal cite but it was a little intense.
17 to any number of comments in this thread.
This is one of those things you can't actually use as a response because, humorless, but the joke is also unfunny because it the latte "sucking" isn't actually a play on anything particularly unique to a Starbucks latte. It could be anything that's overpriced and not very good.
18: If you order hot chocolate at Starbuck's and they know it is for a small child, they won't make it as hot. I'm sure they could do the same for a latte if you told them you were going to fuck it. Just don't ask for the key to the restroom right after asking.
Should have spec'ed pizza instead of a latte.
21: so they just assume the small child will fuck it?
Those pervs. I'm going to buy my coffee at Pete's from now on.
I do find racist/sexist and so on jokes much more offensive if they're not funny. A genuinely funny joke with problematic politics, I sort of think the teller just wanted the laugh, and thought they could get away with the politics. If the joke isn't funny as a joke (as here, where there's nothing particular about the latte), then it seems like an excuse for the meanness.
20 identifies the real problem with the joke.
like my coffee cups
Short, round, and hot!
There was a "I like my coffee like I like my women" thread years back, and some of them were really funny. "Cold, pretentious, and in glasses," still cracks me up.
Yeah, that thread was wonderful.
Hot, sweet, liberally covered in whipped cream, and containing a healthy dollop of Irish whiskey.
http://www.unfogged.com/archives/comments_10134.html
The thread in question.
28,29: Sure, but that line seems to have entered the blog earlier via a commenter named LizardBreath:
A truly wonderful dialog from a Fusco Brothers comic strip:
"Waiter, I'll have an iced cappucino."
"I can't believe you drink that. I like my coffee like I like my women; HOT!"
"Me too. Cold, pretentious, and in glasses."
For a Scot, shouldn't it be "I like my women like I like my porridge"?
ISTR that the comparison in question was with haggis, anyway: fair, round, sonsie, and with one leg slightly longer than the other.
Not surprisingly, I made a crotch-scalding joke on that thread, too.
"Since you'd fuck either one, I don't think you do know the difference."
"One of them is your mother, but you're asking because you can't remember which one."+
"Your dad spent slightly more on the latte."
9, 38, 39: Humorless™ here, but if the goal is to rebuke the guy for misogyny, doing so by insulting his mother may not be the most unambiguous method of doing so.
I thought we were rebuking him for bad jokes.
39: "You can't drink your father in public."
"The latte doesn't know how to use Facebook."
30: What? No! You need to float actual cream on your sweetened and fortified coffee, otherwise it doesn't look deceptively similar to a glass of dark beer.
"One of them isn't disgusted when you put your mouth on it."
I haven't had an Irish Coffee in a thousand years. Maybe I'll make myself one tonight while the weather's still cold.
Half the meet-up had an Irish Coffee beverage last night.
"LB hasn't had one of them for a thousand years."
My dad's secret fear is this: that scientists will develop a pill that replicates exercise.
Since most scientists seem to be super-intense about their exercise regimen, I doubt there's much interest in developing such a pill. I feel like I'm lazy in this respect by several sigma. Sometimes I go long stretches without doing much to exercise except taking long walks.
There was something like that in a Cory Doctorow novel, but all the artificially skinny people got their comeuppance - it turned out to cause cancer or something.
I just figure all the people who run 15 miles a day are going to have no functioning joints in a decade, and then I can mock them.
You can get new joints. I know a guy.
I think I read recently that for some people, running doesn't lead to joint injuries. If they're in their fifties and still running, they're probably those people. That doesn't make them impervious to moving vehicles, though.
I thought the latest research was that running doesn't do your joints any harm -- sedentary people accumulate injuries too. So, mock away, but you'll be doing it while leaning on a cane.
If you want to be impervious to moving vehicles, you need more specific training.
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I need some costume ideas for my Purim party. All of these are either too straightforward, unworkable, or I could pull off perfectly but the guests aren't the right audience.
* Straw Vulcan (Easy to do, almost no one will get it)
* Nietzschean Superman (easy but just a silly half-pun)
* The Signal & The Noise (traffic signal + noisemaker - easy but not really a costume. At least the noisemaker could be Purim-themed?)
* Econ 101 Dalmatians (No idea how to do this as a costume)
* MC Hammarskjöld (If I could find a good Dag Hammarskjöld mask and MC Hammer outfit I bet could pull this one off. No one would get it, though.)
* Miley Cyrus the Great (I really want to do this one but how do I convincingly do the Cyrus the Great part without spending a lot of time or effort?)
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Also I just filled out the Alcor cryonics paperwork I'd been putting off for months. Getting a notary and witnesses is easier than I thought it would be. Whee!
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My grandmother, who exercised regularly and was generally active until her 80s, has forgotten all the effort she put in to stay in shape and now attributes her (until recently) excellent physical health to having taught gym class for several years in her 20s. It's terribly amusing to her doctors.
Re:57. Last
Skimpy white clothing, wrecking ball, big black elaborately curled Persian beard?
59: Well, that might have caused her to be more willing to expend all that effort later, by the consistency effect.
Kind of like how one might attribute a long happy relationship to a great first date. Not true, but not really false either.
54, 55: Well, that's disappointing. I guess I'll have to find something else to gloat about in the future.
My grandfather is 100 on Sunday. He's still in great physical shape for his, which I guess is boxing and running in his 20s, then Canadian Airforce exercises and gardening every day until he was in his late 70s or early 80s. I remember him doing daily pushups when he was 70-something.
His joints seem great. He can still bend and tie his shoelaces (i.e. Touch his toes).
Oh, also anyone here who's in or can get to DC is invited, of course.
57: That's an intimidating starting set. I think I'm not smart enough to play.
61: Likely, but she's entirely forgotten everything in between (memory troubles). Like, her physical therapist will say, wow, you're pretty strong! And she'll say, "I used to teach elementary school gym when I was young." (She taught Spanish for nearly thirty years.) Not something about how she used to go to senior exercise classes at the Y five days a week until she was in her late 70s, which to me would make more sense.
wrecking ball,
If Cyrus the Great is sitting on a wrecking ball, it's going to look like an enormous testicle.
* Econ 101 Dalmatians (No idea how to do this as a costume)
Black and white spotted faux fur coat and a sneer.
Since purim starts the 15th, you could do a Jewlius Caesar thing.
MC Hammarskjöld (If I could find a good Dag Hammarskjöld mask and MC Hammer outfit I bet could pull this one off. No one would get it, though.)
This is fantastic. But does anybody make Dag Hammarskjöld masks?
Kind of like how one might attribute a long happy relationship to a great first date. Not true, but not really false either.
I read, somewhere, that an easy test of the health of a relationship is to ask people to describe their first date. If their relationship is good than they are more likely to think of / emphasize the positive things that happened. If the relationship is more difficult then they are more likely to remember the awkward elements.
Knowing that, it is interesting to take note of the times when I do mentally re-interpret or re-emphasize bits of relationship history.
Punny costumes are even worse than actual puns. Just go as a sexy mermaid/wear a gorilla costume, depending on how much skin you want to show. Can't go wrong with those.
Punny costumes are even worse than actual puns.
I'm afraid Halford is speaking the absolute truth.
Does Newt's Life costume count as punny? Because that was pretty awesome.
If punny costumes are so bad why was it so amazing when my friend dressed her none-too-bright boyfriend as Yassir Arafat Albert? I refute you thus!
Easy punny costume: blue shirt, extension cord tied around your neck like a necktie, rubber chicken tangled in it. Tell people it's your favorite dinner and see how long it takes them to figure it out.
Next time I have a Halloween party I'm thinking of wearing a tuxedo, putting some kind of LED light under the chest, carrying a martini glass, painting a goatee on my face, and calling myself Iron Man. Not punny but still a relatively good costume for minimal work.
65.1: I think your comparative advantage is in science costume ideas. Like, is there a microbe or chemical I should dress up as? (Hmm, maybe ethyl alcohol?)
I'm personally very fond of the costume-wearing-a-costume genre. Oh look, a robot wearing a hula girl skirt. A mermaid wearing a firefighter hat, jacket, and axe. A gorilla wearing a nurse's outfit.
76: That's how I was thinking of pulling off Miley Cyrus the Great. A Cyrus the Great costume with a few Miley Cyrus symbols like the pointing hand or something.
Is there some trick to emailing you, h-g? Thought I followed instructions on front page but got a bounce back.
74.1: I give up. What does it mean?
75: "Hey baby, I'm DNA helicase, and I'm here to unzip your genes."
I used to work with a girl who has a biohazard sign tattooed on her hip. It leads to interesting questions from potential hook-ups.
76: a construction worker wearing a princess skin!
I used to work with a girl who has a biohazard sign tattooed on her hip. It leads to interesting questions from potential hook-ups.
A friend of mine has the same tattoo on his bicep. He's a gay male. He rues not having thought about that a bit harder at 19.
LB will now no doubt be experiencing the immense pleasure and satisfaction from learning a pun's meaning.
80: Something about chicken cordon bleu? Wow, I thought Cyrus's other idea was great, but it seems even better in contrast to this one.
82: I've heard of a case where someone put a biohazard sign on their car because it looked cool. Of course they get into a wreck (and are trapped) and have to wait hours stuck in the car while the first responders stand around ignoring their pleas until the hazmat team shows up and goes over everything. No idea if the story is true, but I choose to believe it because I think there's some things you shouldn't fuck with and hazmat signage is one of them.
Oh, wow. I was expecting to feel bad about not getting it, but now I don't.
But of course you want a chick, not a full-grown chicken, so you're dressed as "chick in cord on blue."
As symbols go, I'd think the biohazard symbol would be pretty easy to elaborate into something unrecognizable except as a design.
Is there some trick to emailing you, h-g?
Just use my gmail - under my name on this comment.
85: Oh my, that was a poor choice. I don't think there are many good ways to explain that (the coworker is a biologist and works with pathogens).
89 is funny.
I'm trying to remember Hammarskjöld's face, and every time I think I've got it I realize it's Zbigniew Brezynski. It's been too long.
I do have a flashback to hearing his body had been identified in the wreckage of the plane, and imagining him lying on the ground, as if he'd fallen asleep in the Congo wearing a suit. Not a vivid imagination for mutilation at 10, or after for that matter.
OMG that chicken cordon bleu costume is literally why flamethrowers were invented.
OMG that chicken cordon bleu costume is literally why flamethrowers were invented
Wouldn't the collateral damage at a costume party be prohibitive?
I'm trying to remember Hammarskjöld's face, and every time I think I've got it I realize it's Zbigniew Brezynski.
This is some sort of poetry.
95, 100: It reminded me of this:
"I devised a complicated scheme to take over The New York Review of Books, but it meant I had to pass for Lionel Trilling. I went to Mexico for an operation. There's a doctor in Juarez who gives people Trilling's features - for a price. Something went wrong. I came out looking like Auden, with Mary McCarthy's voice. That's when I started working the other side of the law."
FKWOOOOSH FLAME FKWOOOOSH. "Your chicken cordon bleu . . . has just been sauteed."
102: OK, that seems thematically appropriate, but you can't touch MC Hammarskjöld.
Thematically appropriate Purim party theme: Execute all the not-naked women.
And just stand around afterwards?
"I'm Flamm, and he's Werfer?"
104: I don't know. Isn't that a little sexist?
102: you don't sauté over an open flame. Sheesh.
107: Yeah, but you don't broil chicken cordon bleu either.
Thematically appropriate Purim party theme: Execute all the not-naked women
Reminds me of my resolution to dig out my King James Apocrypha before Purim to get the skinny; I don't trust what the Reform Movement has done to Megillah Gorilla.
106: Execute every man named Haman, for balance.
109: The Book of Esther is actually a pretty good read for the right kind of party. We read it every year, not out of any religious commitment, but strictly for its entertainment value.
I've been teaching the Book of Esther to a few 6-10 year old Christian kids for the past few weeks. It has gotten a bit weird. I've explained about hamantaschen, and also about concubines.
I've explained about hamantaschen
Did you discuss the great controversy over poppy seeds or apricot? Or did you focus on the evil of grains?
57:
Miley Cyrus Vance
LMFAO Schwartz
The Dating Game of Thrones
Downton Abbey Hoffman
Debt Ceiling Fan
113 -- I gave them the cookies, and then explained they would become weak and unfit if they ate them, just like it says somewhere in the bible.
I realize that Purim is based on the canonical portion of Esther, for which my bedside bible--"every goddamn day"--will suffice. My resolution to learn the apocryphal part comes from my daughter's knowing so much about this, and not wanting to embarrass myself in front of her.
I'm kind of a stunningly incompetent Sunday School teacher, which is why I only get used as a backup. I'd had no idea whatsoever what was in the book of Esther until about 25 minutes before I had to start teaching the 8 year olds.
118: I hope you covered the funny parts like the "what shall be done for the man whom the king delighteth to honor?" story.
113: Are there any valid arguments for fillings other than poppyseed?
I mean I'm aware that there are hamantasch-shaped cookies with other fillings, and they're sometimes tasty, but they're just not hamantaschen.
how do I convincingly do the Cyrus the Great part without spending a lot of time or effort?)
you could make a highly stylised beard out of construction paper cut in fringes and curled, and a popsicle stick crown:
http://www.thelatinlibrary.com/imperialism/images/cyrus1.jpg
You'll get tired of having to stick your tongue out the whole time, though.
I'm kind of a stunningly incompetent Sunday School teacher....
Based on one's extensive experience as a minister's child, the one who eats the most candy on Easter Sunday loves Jesus the most there is no other kind.* It's the thought that counts.
* Tom Sawyer is what one might call the baseline for Sunday school educational effectiveness (in churches outside the fire-and-brimstone-and-your-mommy-and-daddy-will-suffer-the-freezing-fires-of-Hell-if-you-lose-your-virginity-before-you're-a-middle-aged-customer-relations-professional-in-Topeka context).
121: I suppose I could make a construction paper tongue too.
It has gotten a bit weird. I've explained about hamantaschen, and also about concubines.
I'm kind of a stunningly incompetent Sunday School teacher...
"A concubine is a bit hard to explain. Some of you kids from richer families. Any of your parents have a personal assistant who doesn't seem to do any work?"
Am I crazy, or did we have a presidential commenter or lurker who was thinking about becoming a kept person? Like in 2007 or something?
It came up during the exciting "Everyone goes anonymous and decides they hate each other" event. I forget when that was, but long, long ago. I was posting as baton rouge.
[T]he exciting "Everyone goes anonymous and decides they hate each other" event.
Uggh
I was posting as baton rouge.
Interestingly google turns up 5 threads in which somebody posted as "baton rouge."
If somebody else wants they can figure out which was the awful thread and if there's anything worth rescuing from it.
How about instead, I suggest another way to rile the blog.
Now that Ogged is back and the front doesn't have to remain a shrine to the good old days, is there any chance of cleaning up the blogroll? Or condensing the archives into months?
I mean seriously. You could get back some lovely clean white space.
I could probably still find my copy of Being and Time somewhere. That book made the exact opposite of sense to me. I could feel sense draining from my brain as I tried to read it. That may have been the intended experience, of course.
My flatmate is a kept man. It's a slightly awkward situation, because his, uh, keeper is always making a mess in the kitchen, and I feel weird confronting her about it. She comes across as a very socially awkward person.
125: Indeed, and thanks, NickS, for the link.
131: I think I have B&T on the iPad: i.e., maximally ineffective reading circumstances.
I'm still finding it pretty hard to figure out who a lot of people in the thread linked in 133 are.
Dude, I can never tell anonymous people. If you go presidential, I have no idea who you are. I guess others have a better ear for it than I do, but as soon as the name changes, I have no idea who the person behind it is.
132: Offer to have sex with her if she cleans the kitchen.
The problem with a Hammarskjöld mask is that he was the most completely unrecognisable guy who ever lived, like the Platonic form of the middle aged middle class Swede - bulky, blond, blue eyes, blue suit. People would look at you and say, "Hi, have you come as the Spirit of the Scandinavian Bourgeoisie? It's very good..."
Or condensing the archives into months?
Yeah, that thing has grown into a monster.
Here is some CSS code that someone could add to the site's style-sheet, which would make the thing less huge, while not necessitating a regenerate of the archive pages.
div.list {
max-height: 500px;
overflow-y: scroll;
}
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Everything is sort of looking a bit 'interesting' in the Ukraine/Crimea.
>
"Hi, have you come as the Spirit of the Scandinavian Bourgeoisie? It's very good..."
[Kierkegaard joke here.]
139: His forehead was pretty monumental, at least.
On the way in to work this morning, I saw a truck with its loading ramp (the kind that slides under the cargo area when not in use and is just wide enough for a hand truck to be rolled down) extended. The driver of a car had managed to be oblivious enough to drive into the ramp with sufficient speed that his front wheels were no longer in contact with the ground. I probably should have taken a picture for the internets.
139, 141, 143 How about going as that dude (Big guy in the middle is NOT photoshopped, just your friendly Russian pol on a solidarity visit in Crimea)
