RIP
I believe this one is also in Jokes.
Two rabbis are driving past an Episcopalian church and see a sign out front that says "Twenty dollars, free to all converts." So the one rabbi looks at the other shrugs. The second rabbi shrugs back so the first rabbi goes in. A little bit later, he comes out.
Second Rabbi: So, did you get $20.
First Rabbi: What is it with you people and money?
These are both good jokes. I laughed at both. Have I told the gentile jokes here?
A gentile walks into a store and sees a suit he likes, so he asks the salesman "how much for this one?" The salesman says it's $500. The gentile says "well, it's a little more than I was hoping to pay, but I'll take it."
A gentile is sitting at home and his mother calls and asks if he can come to dinner on Friday. "I'd love to," he says, "but I have a date on Friday." "All right then," his mother says. "Have a nice time."
These are both good jokes. I laughed at both.
Phew. I was worried for a second that I'd crossed a line and was going to ask it taken down.
He was a good and decent man who will be missed.
Jew goes to heaven. Asks G-d, so G-d, can I ask you a question?
G-d: what, I'm not doing anything else?
Jew: So, is it true we're the chosen people?
G-d: I was kidding maybe? Yes, it's true.
Jew: so next time, you could choose somebody else?
Oh! Now I remember what the story was about, it was about the introduction of plus and minus modifications to grades at Chicago. Where previously there had only been the five grades A–F, there would now be A, A-, and so on (though no A+). He said to the people advocating (ultimately successfuly) for this change, he related to me and several other undergrads, who claimed that five grades did not allow for sufficient gradation, "you still want there to be five grades, you just want them all to be As and Bs".
Jesus walks by Peter at the gates and says "You look tired. Why don't I take over for a while?" Peter says yes, yes that would be great.
So Jesus is at the gates of heaven and no one comes by.
Eventually an elderly man wanders up. Jesus says "can I help you?" The elderly man says "Yes? I'm not sure."
Jesus says, "Tell me about yourself."
The old man says, "Well, I'm from the mediterranean region. And I'm a carpenter by trade."
Jesus thinks Carpenter? Mediterranean region? and gets excited. "Tell me," Jesus says, "did you have any children?
The old man says "One son. But through very unusual circumstances."
Jesus, tears welling up in his eyes, cries, "Father?! Is that you?"
The old man says "Pinocchio?!"
......
(I suppose that's not a Jewish joke but I like it anyway.)
I seem to have inserted clauses to my story in comment five in exactly the wrong way. It was not the undergrads but rather the advocates who claimed the five letter grades made for insufficient gradation.
I'm sorry to hear about this. I know Cohen chiefly from his stuff on metaphor, which I deeply respected.
My favourite is the one about the old Jewish guy going into the undertakers; the undertaker says, respectfully, "Good morning, Abe. And how can we assist you?"
"It's my wife," Abe says, heaving a deep sigh. "She passed away last night and I need you to make the arrangements."
"Your wife?" says the undertaker. "But surely she passed away two years ago? We arranged the ceremony."
"No, no," Abe says. "That was my wife Esther. But a few months ago I met Sarah, and, well, we were married just two weeks ago. And we had just come back from honeymoon on Monday, and last night she was driving home, and --"
"So, you got married?" says the undertaker. "Mazel tov!"
6 also made me laugh out loud. I'm sorry, I know this is a memorial thread but also there are jokes, I shouldn't laugh? (he said in Yiddish intonation.)
Talking of jokes, though not Jewish as far as I know, I put a joke in the other place. I'd love to know why it's supposed to be humorous.
When it's clearly about the ulna.
The joke in 4 is in Fiddler in the Roof.
In the spirit of the prisoners who know the jokes by number, allow me to supply reference to Help Jackmormon's comedy career instead of offering new material.
14--that doesn't surprise me. And somehow fits my memory of Ted that a joke with that origin would be the one that most stuck.
A rabbi, a philosopher, and an undergrad walked into a bar.
Told by Ted at some point in Introductory Logic:
The New Year Honours List includes a Jew. Like everyone on the list, he is to be prepared for the ceremony by a mentor, who is to see that he's dressed appropriately for the ceremony and knows his lines and so forth. But the ceremony is ancient and the lines are in Latin, and try as he might the Jew cannot seem to get them straight. Finally, just before the ceremony, his mentor throws up his hands and says, "Look, you're a Jew. You know Hebrew, right? When the time comes, just mumble some Hebrew. In all likelihood the Queen won't be listening anyway." So the Jew goes into the ceremony, and when his turn finally comes, he kneels before the Queen and says, "Baruch atta Adonai Eloheinu melekh ha'olam she-ecḥeyanu ve'qi'eh'manu ve'higiy'anu laz'man hazeh." But in his sincerity he forgets to mumble, and his words catch the Queen's ear. She pauses with the sword over his first shoulder, turns to her ladies-in-waiting, and says, "Why is this knight different from all the other knights?"