Then they all have a happy ending: we broke up!
Louis CK said something similar about how great divorce was.
I've heard a lot about how lucky I am as a footloose and fancy free swingle, but it's hard to buy from happily coupled people telling me how lucky I am to be getting pounded by constant rejection. That's the online dating experience. Message someone, they look at your profile, no reply - no sweat. The fun ones are the ones where you have a cool chat and then silence, or even better set up a date and then they block you for no apparent reason. I'm just now getting the silent treatment from a woman I went on a date with on Tuesday - thought it went great, messaged her the next day - nothing. OK, she's not that into me, got a promising date tomorrow, so move on. But it wears after a while. I think I'll process everyone currently in the landing pattern but I'm done for a while. I need to emotionally recharge a bit.
It's better than a shitty relationship, but I think a lot of the becoupled are suffering from grass-is-greener syndrome here.
3: Cultivate friendships with miserable couples. An evening spent with them will be sure to cheer you up.
I narrowly missed the online dating experience. I met my current partner just before the (strangely abrupt, as I recall) transition from "online dating is this thing that weirdos and freaks do" to "online dating is totally normal".
I was struck by how much dithering and self-consciousness there was in the opening chapters of The Golden Gate over the acts of placing and responding to personal ads.
I narrowly missed the online dating experience.
You're not dead yet.
"Call no man married until he's dead"
6: What makes you so sure?
Online dating is great!!
Skimming through a profile and free-associating a flirty paragraph takes me about a minute and a half. And that's like a classic Unfogged skill which I'm sure everyone here could do just as well as I can. Opening up a hundred tabs and messaging every one of them, using a copy-and-paste message if it's been a minute and a half and I've still got nothing, takes about 2.5 hours. Of those 100, 10 will respond, 5 will agree on a date, 3 will flake. Voila, 2 dates with girls who are actually interested, for about 3.5 hours of time investment plus the fixed cost of setting up a profile.
I think maybe guys that complain about online dating are getting too attached to each individual prospect?
As for Tinder, I'll just leave this here:
http://crockpotveggies.com/2015/02/09/automating-tinder-with-eigenfaces.html
10 is some kind of insane Taylorized online dating that I've never heard of before.
It will be cool when bots start dating bots.
10: If you're messaging 100+ people you should go ahead and apply modern data analysis techniques to identify potential matches. "I ran the PCA and your eigenvalue is hot! Want to have dinner some time?"
14: From the opening graf of the link in 15:
Chris McKinlay was folded into a cramped fifth-floor cubicle in UCLA's math sciences building, lit by a single bulb and the glow from his monitor. It was 3 in the morning, the optimal time to squeeze cycles out of the supercomputer in Colorado that he was using for his PhD dissertation. (The subject: large-scale data processing and parallel numerical methods.)
10: I prefer to avoid the blast messaging method. It involves messaging a bunch of women I'm only marginally interested in. I'd much rather read the profile in detail and find the deal breakers up front. Then I send a message to the ones who still seem interesting (going from message to profile views I'm doing great, better than 70%). Some small subset of those get back, some fade, etc. I'm doing OK, 2 dates out of maybe 30-40 messages. 2 prospects are still in the landing pattern, but I'm not super hopeful about either one.
I do get attached to prospects a little, or I wouldn't message them in the first place. That's not the case with Tinder, where the real filtering process really takes place at the first date level once you get past the photo filter, whereas on OKCupid the major filtering takes place mostly at the reading of the profile (which I'm convinced some people aren't doing until after we've exchanged a bunch of messages). Off Tinder I've gotten 2 dates also, one leading to a short fling, and one leading to a second date tomorrow, so Tinder is actually turning out to be more promising despite the more blatant meat market aspect of it. Or maybe because of it. I think I'll still mess with Tinder a bit while I take a hiatus from OKCupid for a month or two.
I was pleased today to have spontaneously come up with the concept of a "disappointment portfolio" with regard to work*. I think the term might have some applicability here with a different meaning.
*I was slightly annoyed at someone using my boss's potential reaction as a goad to get me to complete some task, and came back with, "Trust me, I'm quite adept at managing my part of [boss]'s disappointment portfolio."
I have to admit that I don't understand how Tinder works at all for anyone who isn't extraordinarily pretty/handsome. Most of us are bumbling along in the esthetic range where our looks aren't an impediment to someone who likes us for other reasons, and someone who likes us for other reasons probably thinks we're cute, but looks aren't our main attraction. At which point, who's swiping on the pictures? Do you sort of swipe on most of them, and do more screening people out than picking them? Are you working on social cues in the pictures rather than mostly looks? Or how?
(This may be more of an issue for me, because while I think I look fine in person, photographs do not do me any favors. The idea of having to get a date by someone picking a picture of me out of a stack sounds like, if not a recipe for celibacy, something where I'd do a lot less well than anything where I could also communicate in words.)
"whereas on OKCupid the major filtering takes place mostly at the reading of the profile (which I'm convinced some people aren't doing until after we've exchanged a bunch of messages)."
The parenthetical might be true but there's no way to know since they could just have "show visitors" turned off.
As for the first part: hasn't been my experience. The girl I've met online who I like the best had a fairly cringe-inducing profile; the one with whom I had the best verbal connection was a big disappointment in person.
If you're a guy on Tinder, it's a huge mistake to do anything other than swipe right on everyone whose profile picture isn't obviously unsuitable (for me, that means "obese or facially pierced"). The filtering should happen after you have a pool of people who already like you back.
IME it's harder to get girls on Tinder to actually meet up in person since many are on there just for attention/to have something to do with their friends while pregaming or whatever, but when you do meet up, it's on. I've had exactly 2 Tinder "dates" so far; in both cases we were doing it within half an hour. TBH it was a little unnervingly fast for me, and I've had one night stands before.
Oh, huh -- somehow I had the impression that people used it as a dating app rather than as a casual sex app. As a casual sex app, it makes much more sense to me.
Then they all have a happy ending: we broke up!
It is indeed amazing how much more cheerful I am than a year ago, almost entirely because of this. Admittedly the fallout of the breakup was, temporarily, worse than I could have dreamed, but it's been so worth it.
IIRC Tinder explicitly set out to be Grindr for straight folks.
21: Because eventually, you get a serial killer.
I've had exactly 2 Tinder "dates" so far; in both cases we were doing it within half an hour.
Wow, that is fast.
24: I knew that, but I somehow thought as used it had become mostly unserious amusement (no intent of meeting up) or ordinary dating. Don't remember what I was basing that on.
People do use Tinder as a dating app. Or, at least, I knew a dude who used Tinder as a dating app. I don't think he, like, turned down casual sex, but he definitely met somebody through it who he subsequently dated for a while. I believe that they have sussed out torque's scheme and now charge men money if they go over some number of right swipes per month.
21, do you just use it in the lobby of your building?
Really, Tinder and Grindr are best conceptualized as replacements for dating; by the time you see each other in person you've already progressed past flirting and early dating and are ready to go to the next level.
29 mostly on the toilet or the CTA (pretty much the same thing, BURN) (sorry CTA but you've been pretty unreliable this winter)
you've already progressed past flirting and early dating and are ready to go to the next level.
The Wall of Fire?
A fun game I invented at a friendl's shop last night. I call it "Pick the least appropriate card to send your estranged spouse who your kids will notice if you don't send a Valentine when you're not at the telling the kids stage yet." I forget the winners, but it was the best laugh I've had in a while.
Good lord the typos. I blame my phone.
shit, I have to get a spouse something for valentine's day. suggestions?
I have to get a spouse something for valentine's day. suggestions?
A Tinder account. Act completely puzzled when said spouse asks what exactly this means, and say that you just thought it would be a nice gift.
Eh, nothing's definite at this point. I'm partly feeling relief, so it may wind up being a net positive in the end.
Sorry to hear that, Milhouse, but hopefully better days ahead.
"Partly feeling relief" sounds positive, Milhouse. Wishing you the best.
And boy am I happy we don't exchange valentines. It makes life so much easier. I was just thinking that I've never been in a relationship with Valentine's, though a stalker sent me some flowers and stuff once and I think it's plenty fair not to count that.
I didn't get my girlfriend a valentine's day card per se but I did send her a postcard with an Onegin-stanza verse on it earlier this week, so I think that counts.
If I had to choose between sex on a generic toilet and sex on the CTA, I would pick the CTA every time.
Sex on one of those fancy toilets with a built-in bidet, though, that would be another matter.
I went to a cross-stitching class last weekend with my harrowing-tenure-process friend, and made a little x's and o's crossstitch for Jammies.
How did you make the O's? Because if the were just kind of squares, that means "hugs and oral sex" instead of "hugs and kisses".
(Actually I always thought the x's were kisses and the o's were hugs. Is that backwards?)
I was making a stupid joke to pass the time. Ignore it.
53: But, then what will urple do to pass the time?
The damned dirty hipsters from whom I commissioned a TWYRCL-appropriate bauble for Valentine's Day aren't completing their work or communicating in a timely fashion. Solution: Arsonize Williamsburg, plead force majeure to TWYRCL w/r/t Valentine's D.?
Sounds as if you should've planned this better, Flip.
how lucky I am to be getting pounded by constant rejection
I was of course thrilled to be free of BOGF, but it was shocking how fast I returned to a certain "nobody likes me" funk that I hadn't experienced in ~6 years. I definitely have an underlying lack of self-confidence that even a shitty relationship quells while even a brief interregnum unleashes it.
I'm sure there's a deep explanation, but in practical terms a lot of it is that I've only had a few really close male friends over the years, and so I'm either dating, hanging out with a female friend (who'll eventually go out with other boys*), or alone. It's not literally always the case, but it tends to be.
*this isn't me being jealous or secretly in love; it's just sort of how it effectively went
Seriously, though, how big a deal can it be if it's delayed through no fault of your own? I apologize for my snide comment above.
I'm sure she won't mind, but giving someone a thoughtful present is a romantic moment that really isn't the same as giving them a reasonable excuse.
56: Get ye to a cross-stitching class, stat.
41.2 For like 30 years, we did Valentines in what I understood to be the German style -- ie not at all. Then suddenly, without warning, a shift to American style.
I'm not clear -- did the hipsters tell you they wouldn't have it done in time, or have you just not heard from them?
I'm making a nice dinner (though not quite as nice as I had originally envisioned, damn you grocery store for not having scallops today!) and will likely buy a card & possibly a small present which may or may not be booze for my other half. That's good enough, right?
how big a deal can it be if it's delayed through no fault of your own?
A true romantic, that neb.
I am violating our conventional truce because the good chocolate place in my building offers chocolate covered cherries again, and he likes those. But I warned him, so it's not like I'm sandbagging him with unexpected chocolate.
I am not aware of anything that my spouse might enjoy
Expensive anchovies. Everyone likes canned fish.
69:
She likes a lot of the things I do. Shoot me an email and I'll give you some tips.
No, she doesn't like canned fish. She's vegetarian. She got a massage from a masseuse that she said she loved, so for her birthday I got her gift certificates for more massages from that masseuse, all of which are sitting unused. She likes chocolate in theory but is supposedly trying to lose weight and so would be mad if I got her any. She thinks flowers are a waste of money. She doesn't like candles.
I feel like 71 must be a joke because... how would you have any idea what she likes? Also I don't know your email.
She likes what gswift does. Just invite him over to do some more of it.
72: A nice pot of live bulbs that you could then plant in the spring, maybe? I used to do that pre-kids.
No, she doesn't like canned fish. She's vegetarian.
Artichoke hearts?
Wait, weren't you complaining about her yarn buying habits years ago? If she still knits (or hoards yarn, either way) go to a yarn store and tell the owner to sell you a useful quantity of something nice.
(I might have the wrong commenter with the wife with the yarn habit, but I can't think of who else I'd be thinking of.)
78: yes, I was complaining about that, but she just bought a lifetime supply of yarn and then completely stopped. She hasn't knit anything in years.
By "just bought", I mean a few years ago.
I don't think she would appreciate artichoke hearts.
We still have a lifetime supply of yarn.
Especially since no one in our house uses any of it ever.
We don't really do gifts, but I did make a reservation at a restaurant that seems like fun. I guess that's really my mom's gift to us, since she'll be watching the kids.
With no actually thoughtful ideas related to your wife's actual preferences, earrings or a silk scarf. Both are available at pretty much any price point, both are things where you can have as many as you want, and both are arguably romantic enough to count.
(Yes, I know, her ears aren't pierced and she lost her neck in a freak light-rail accident.)
In the next forty-eight hours, learn to knit, raid her stash for yarn, and knit her something pretty.
That sounds like a job for powerful amphetamines.
A true romantic, that neb.
We're spending the weekend in a little cottage in Pt. Reyes, with baubles and extravagant meals.
earrings or a silk scarf
She would not like either of these. She does not wear earrings or scarves.
87 would be a very good idea, were it realistic.
The kicker is that I won't even see her on valentine's day... she'll be out of town.
So you've got 72 hours. Get cracking.
(I am, of course, giving you a hard time, but it's not like giving presents for Valentines Day is required. Just don't do it.)
I'd buy her more yarn anyway. She must like it.
You can't have your yarn and knit it too.
AB & I are blissfully un-Valentined. Due to the review gig, dinner out is a nonstarter. We've never fallen into any sort of gift tradition (despite me picking her up at the airport, flowers in hand, on our first V-Day together, just a week or so after our first kiss). Since we've had kids, any Valentine's energy she has gets channeled into crafty card/gift things for them to hand out in school. But if one of us wants to do something sweet/romantic ("I saw X and thought of you"), that's cool, too.
Anyway, a woman who doesn't like tinned fish is no woman for me. I guess swift is more accommodating.
We're spending the weekend in a little cottage in Pt. Reyes, with baubles and extravagant meals.
Where do you get an extravagant meal up that way?
He'll do anything for canned fish. Cops are kind of stupid that way.
99: well, one of them I'm going to prepare, or that's the plan, anyway. The other of them may or may not be extravagant but the restaurant, which has an absurd name and an even more absurd menu, was well reviewed and is apparently pleasantly situated.
Aw, that sounds like fun. I hate not having weekends - I'd love to do a quick get away but we don't have two days off in a row for that to work.
101: But that is a good idea. I suggest a copy of the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam, bound in limp leather, because it's always 1905 to me. But anything is good, so long as it's bound in limp leather. The binding is the important bit.
He's not married to ogged.
And if he were, he'd give me a book of poetry and I'd unthinkingly say something like "Mmhmm, I've read those. A few are pretty good."
it's not like giving presents for Valentines Day is required. Just don't do it.)
But she already got me something. That's what created this whole dilemma.
Just get her a pink one of whatever she got you.
Buy her the exact same thing, and claim to have bought it before she got hers. Berate her for having stolen your idea.
So I was pwned, but I added value. The berating makes it.
If your wife got you a watch chain, your supposed to get her a hair pins.
Ogged has read every book of poetry?
I don't know but he posted a poem once.
How fast we forget the pigeon mask, the right gift for all occasions.
Ogged has read every book of poetry?
Mmmhmm. A few are pretty good.
(Yes, I know, her ears aren't pierced and she lost her neck in a freak light-rail accident.)
I laughed.
Urple, get her a gift card to Amazon with a note that says, "Impulsively buy all the books and magazines you want, up to $50" or whatever. I'm very hard to shop for (allegedly) and that's what I truly want for any occasion.
The other of them may or may not be extravagant but the restaurant, which has an absurd name and an even more absurd menu, was well reviewed and is apparently pleasantly situated.
The one with "Barry Broccoli" on the menu?
We're pretty sporadic on gifts. It's pretty common for one of us to get really excited about getting something specific for the other one, and the other one doesn't reciprocate because they didn't come across anything that caught their fancy. In general, we both like choosing indulgences for the other person, though, so it works out well.
Also Jammies will be out of town. Already is. OTOH, he sent his mother-in-law, which is great.
he sent his mother-in-law
Does this mean he sent your mother?
117 is an idea I have had, but I think she would perceive it to be thoughtless.
Oops, no, my mother-in-law. His mother.
122: But if she likes it, you're set for life. And then once in a while, you can surprise her with not-a-scarf.
I think Torque's Tinder experience must be so different from mine due to us being different ages(?) or maybe locations I have yet to run into anyone looking for a hookup. I think that middle aged women are more likely to be using it to meet men to date rather than just to bang. Maybe I've been crazily misreading signals, though. Wouldn't be the first time.
Like when you let that banker slip away.
Have the house deep-cleaned (while you're knitting).
My favorite limp leather bindings are on Kipling & old enough to be innocently decorated with swastikas.
The odds are pretty good that the guy who designed the cover was antisemitic anyway.
127: I have Rewards and Fairies and Soldiers Three in that edition, and it is lovely with its swastika bedecked elephants.
My mom still sends presents for Valentine's Day.
My dad sends chocolates to all his kids.
131: Haven't opened the box yet, so I don't know if she switched to the granddaughter or just added her in. There were several years when the tradition was Latin percussion instruments.
Update: colorful socks for me, "fit-flops" for Mrs. K-sky, and Anpanman for Φ. Everyone is very happy but only one of us shrieked repeatedly.
My experience with OkCupid has been basically like togolosh's; I'm astonished that torque could even find 100 women he wanted to message, but I guess he lives in a much bigger city than I ever have. I've never tried Tinder.
129: me too. There is an identical but swastika free edition from slightly later in the century. Elephants still there .
NMM to Art Laboe's show in Los Angeles. WORST VALENTINE'S DAY EVER.
For V-day, my ladyfriend and I are going to a ball, which I like to call Law School Prom. I think she (a non-law-student) is kind of intrigued to see what it's like, whereas I am glad the event is being held near a strip of bars, so we can escape when we're tired of hanging out with law students and want to mingle with normal humans.
So, on topic for a change: It was not too much date! Dancing lessons were a blast, dinner was delicious, after dinner drinks were cozy, everything was good. Unfortunately I leave for two weeks to visit family on Friday. Hopefully we'll be able to pick up where we left off when I get back.
The bookstore I used to work at would occasionally put the following up on its marquee:
Classic authors bound in leather.
