Have you tried throwing the plastic crap into a pool of dirty water and taking your family picture in the water?
Wait until said friend has a heebie number of kids.
Also, his not having the good judgement to keep such assessments to himself makes me question his overall judgement.
I don't understand mom's comment at all. As in, I can't parse it. Would anybody care to translate?
"Ofte en grandaj familioj, infanoj ne havas suficxe multajn elektojn, ĉar la gepatroj simple agilizar ĉio."
She's saying that we, for example, ask them open-ended what they want for breakfast instead of giving them a single choice of two kinds of cereal. That sort of thing.
his basic impression of our house is that there were a lot of books
In what universe does this constitute a component of an insult?
So she thinks you should be more assembly-line like her vision of a family with four children? (Wait, didn't she have four children?)
Wait until said friend has a heebie number of kids.
Dating someone with a 5yo daughter, I don't really notice plastic crap, but I have noted a significant uptick in Time Spent Discussing the Finer Points of Frozen.
5: I know, but it somehow came off as disparaging! Like there were piles and so on.
6: Right. (I'm one of three. Jammies is one of four.)
Wait, what? Your friend was like, "By the way, Heebie, in case you're wondering what my basic impression of your house is . . ."
I'm no 2 of 4. Nos. 3 and 4, both in their 50s, think they totally got ripped off, getting assembly line, while 1 and 2 got artisanal hand crafted parenting.
Interesting. As an only child, Rory has a lot of freedom to make her own choices. But I totally respect that in larger families parents might need to do more "streamlining" for their own sanity. It can feel stressful even in my small family waiting for me, Rory, and my partner to make decisions. That you are able to work full-time and continue to give four kids a sense of autonomy is impressive to me.
We've gotten "so many books" from visitors, mostly from my family. At worst it's taken as evidence of how strange we are, even though mine was a family of readers.
So my home has more books than we had growing up, my siblings' have fewer.
I can remember being struck by the number of books in the background scenes of the movie Who's Afraid of Virgina Woolf? At least the decor made a positive impression.
OP.2- We recently started putting the place on AirBnB for weekends and going camping whenever someone wants to stay there. Our first rental went fine, although didn't leave any review. Second rental, though, they had all kinds of problems with the place. We make it clear that it's a 100+ year old house where only some of the bedrooms were recently renovated and there are 6 people living in 1500 sq feet, so we say that it's going to have some clutter and dust. But I think these people were expecting a hotel-like level of cleanliness, it was their first time doing AirBnB rental, they left early and wanted a refund (we have it set to no-refund policy) saying it was "not ready for guests." Stains on the front stair carpet, "dingy" furniture that we should deep steam clean, dust on the stairs, grease and grime on the stove, "surprisingly unclean" bathroom fixtures, they said we should buy new bed linens, not enough counter space in the bathroom because we keep our fish tank in there, untrimmed grass/bushes in the front yard. Some of that was ridiculous- we're not buying new toilets for people, the linens were purchased new specifically for rentals so that was the third night they've ever been used, the bathroom fixtures were all scrubbed but aren't brand new so they're somewhat dull. Some was legit, we had missed some spots vacuuming the stairs, the backsplash on the stove had some spots. But for the rentals we basically clean the place to the highest level of cleanliness that it ever sees when we're living there, so now it feels like people are telling us we basically live in a shithole. Some of it they were probably nitpicking to negotiate a refund which we worked out, but I'm wondering if our place really is a dump.
It depends a lot on who the person is and who they usually hang out with, but in my experience what seems like a lot of books to someone who likes reading books is very, very different than what seems like a lot of books to someone who doesn't. 'Oh-there's-some-shelves-over-there' is the sort of thing that most of the people I know who are readers would think of as unobtrusive/low level/not obviously excessive, but for I know plenty of people, mostly through being related to them, who would find 'has-entire-furniture-devoted-just-to-books' pretty noticeable.*
*Not dumb people or even people who don't read! But not book people either. People whose idea of a book shelf is something with three shelves and could serve as a makeshift coffee table if needed.
15: You should have offered them a refund in the form of a one-time only private performance by the virtuoso Dinky Dinkyson on the world's smallest violin.
Our front entry has small ledge that is about four feet off the ground. There is some framed art there on the wall above the ledge. But we ran out of space for books, so I started using the ledge as a bookshelf. Then I started using the ledge as a bookshelf with book piles on top of it. Now there are stacks of books on all sides of the art. I'd like to get rid of the art and have it be all book stacks, but opinions differ. My proposed compromise (hang the art from stacks of books) was rejected.
11: More or less. I had said something like, "I can't remember - have you been to our house before?" and he said, "Yes, what a shithole!" (paraphrasing)
15: Are you guys strapped for cash? Or just doing it for funsies? I didn't think that AirBnB hosts were generally vacating their primary residence in order to accomodate guests, unless there was some sufficiently big touristy event going on.
I haven't left a review yet on the airbnb we stayed in in SC. I'm not sure I think expecting a vacation-rental level of clean is all that unreasonable. People aren't staying in your house because they are anthropologists studying how 6 people live: they probably don't care anything at all about you.
I think the main impression people have of my apartment is that the carpet is hideously stained. I have rust stains that really look like bloodstains. I always warn visitors up front about the carpet. The cats have not exactly been kind to it either.
I'm fifth of eight. It was like growing up in an institution, except the food wasn't as good. I used to love the subsidized school lunches. I still like airplane food, and hospital food rocks!
Not strapped for cash but people will pay a lot to rent it (first rental $1100 for graduation weekend, second $850 for a random weekend) and we like to go camping anyway, so we figure why not. I also just learned that up to 14 nights is income tax free.
22- We say in the listing that it's our primary residence and all our stuff is there, that it's not primarily a rental.
4: Thanks. I think I apply selective male hearing whenever the in-laws make any sort of remark along those lines. Or issue a benign remark and go blithely onward. This may not be a helpful reply for you.
My own parents are on the other side of an ocean. This, too, may not be very helpful.
Everybody's working for the weekend.
"The Puffy White Sweatshirts" would be a great name for some kind of 1980s revival group.
3: Intriguingly, Google Translate used the two Esperanto notations, ĉ and cx, inconsistently. But that makes sense for something learned statistically.
I'm insulted. I did that translation in my head.
The two Esperanto notations, ĉ and cx, were used inconsistently.
But that makes sense, for something learned statistically.
At least he didn't say you have a lot of books made out of plastic.
maybe neb can finish that one for me, my poetry skillz are off today.
We've gotten "so many books" from visitors, mostly from my family. At worst it's taken as evidence of how strange we are, even though mine was a family of readers.
So my home has more books than we had growing up, my siblings' have fewer.
The obvious thing to do, and probably good, family-like behavior as well, is to keep track of which family member gave you each book, and to recycle them to other family members once you have read them. Unless, of course, yours is the largest house in your (natal) family, so that everyone else sees it as a storage facility. Then the good, family-like thing to do is to accept (and keep!) all the books with good grace. Be careful, however, as it could in time extend to furniture, old appliances, tools, garden machines and dead cars.
So, in "Time Enough At Last", why doesn't the guy just start breaking into optometrist's shops until he finds a pair of glasses that basically work?
In our community, who are the sleeper smartypantses?
(Silently): "Me, I know the answer, call on me, teacher"
So, in "Time Enough At Last", why doesn't the guy just start breaking into optometrist's shops until he finds a pair of glasses that basically work?
I know, right?!
35: I read it like you at first, but I think he meant they got the comment that they have so many books from family members who should know better.
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Sorry, not yet at 40 comments, but oh wells.
I've been working remotely, as a consultant, for my old company, which is many time zones away. It's been a disaster, both in terms of output and for my mental health and my marriage. The latter issue has recently reached crisis proportions. I need to get out of this job, immediately.
I feel very bad about this, because 1- my boss is a nice guy who let me work remotely at an inflated salary and covered for me when things started to go south, and 2- he's on parental leave right now, and there's no one else to cover, really; it's a 2-person department.
I sent an email yesterday to my boss's boss, saying basically: "Can we talk today? As you know, my work's been disastrous lately, and it's not getting better, I strongly suggest you replace me ASAP." No response.
What's the least unprofessional way to convey the super-unprofessional sentiment of, "I'm out, like, immediately. I'm on the verge of just mailing back my computer to you guys. I feel terrible about this and want to try to help transition things, but I need out."?
(No, I don't have any other employment possibilities lined up, but that's not an immediate concern.)
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What are the odds of that working? You have two eyes that probably need different prescriptions. Even common prescriptions are probably 1 in 500 to get plausible match. Your eyes probably correlate a bit so it wouldn't be 1 in 250,000 to get a pair that works for both eyes, but it would probably be at least 1 in 100,000. An optometrists shop would maybe have a thousand pair of glasses in it.
What about the pair of test glasses with the snap-in lenses? ("Which is better? One.... or two? One.... or two?) They'd look weird, but you could customize them, no problem.
Number one from the OP seems like the setup for a really hurtful game of backhanded compliments. "[Commenter name] is smart! Not like everybody says!"
So, there's no contract issues? Is it going to significantly impact your ability to get other jobs in your field? Seems like you've answered your own question: Git while the gittin's good.
42: I've never seen those. Just the big tester thing, which you could take back home and use to read with, I guess.
Karl-
Same advice we gave the last ATM with a similar problem: you should be thinking about this as medical leave. Talk to some kind of therapist who can confirm that the job is making you lose your mind, and talk to your boss saying you need a leave, you can't keep working right now, but he should tell you what's the minimum he needs from you to make the transition to whoever's going to cover for you, and you'll do your very best to make that work.
Oh, and if anyone has any advice about my plight, it'd be helpful if they could give it *right now* since apparently my boss's boss just noticed my slack-message from yesterday and messaged me.
Plus, he should have to find his way to one or more optometrists' shops, feeling his way along the dusty bricks and rotting corpses of his post-apocalyptic hell. No wonder Rod Serling couldn't draw the thread out quite that far.
But you wouldn't need to have the glasses work *exactly* -- just getting into the right ballpark would be a big help, and surely you could find something that was 90% of your prescription or something.
Okay, yeah, 46 makes sense too. I'm biased in favor of just leaving places now.
LB: that seems reasonable, but I don't like the job and have no intention of coming back, even though the money's probably 2-3x what I could get at a local place, so it seems misleading to talk about leave.
Nat: actually the contract says I can only drop it 'for convenience' if there's no outstanding service requests, which obviously there are. So I imagine if they wanted to they could be dicks about that. Dunno that they'd want to, though.
It might well impair my ability to get other jobs in the field, I dunno. I've never had a job in this field before, and the company is a small one that's now halfway across the world.
49 is really wrong. I go for new glasses when I get headaches while reading. This only takes about three years.
You can be upfront about probably not coming back if you want to (I wouldn't be, but if you're dead sure you won't want the job back). But framing it as a medical issue gets "I really don't want to leave you in the lurch, but that's what's about to happen. Communicate with me clearly if there's anything easy I can do to minimize damage to you," across better than "I quit."
52: It won't do a thing to your ability to get other jobs in the field. If you got fired for cause, that *might*, but you're not in that situation, and this is an easy thing to explain to any prospective employer.
Didn't that episode end on his lament? Maybe he only needed basic reading glasses and when he calmed down he found a drugstore.
"We've given this long-distance work schedule a try, and it's not working on my end. I'm really grateful you gave me the flexibility, and working with you at company x has been a great experience overall. I don't want to just bail, but I do need to transition to something local. Let's figure out how to wind down my involvement in these projects in an orderly way."
LB is right: medical leave opens up all kinds of possibilities and obligates you to none of them.
58 sounds wonderful but feels about two weeks too late. I'm now on the verge of panic attacks contemplating any and all tasks.
"I really don't want to leave you in the lurch, but that's what's about to happen. Communicate with me clearly if there's anything easy I can do to minimize damage to you," across better than "I quit."
I didn't really believe there was good specific advice to give you, but look! There is.
Her good, specific advice in situations where others think there is no such thing possible brings all the boys to the blog.
She could teach you, but she'd have to charge.
Ok, yeah, I used a slightly reworded 61.1 (because how awkward would it be if he googled and found this, ugh).
In our community, who are the sleeper smartypantses?
Sleeper in the streets, smartypants in the sheets.
I do think that, if you're 100% sure you want to leave, communicating that is important. That way, whatever coordination you are doing with the employer is about getting a replacement to take over ASAP (and possibly getting that replacement up to speed) rather than finding a way to accommodate your position for a while. It would also probably relieve a lot of the stress you would have on your end if you took the "leave" approach--i.e., stress related to how/when to communicate that this probably isn't really a leave, stress related to whatever responsibility (real or imagined) you have to the work that is not getting done.
66 written before seeing 58, which sounds perfect.
Re standards of clean/kit in rentals, I believe the overwhelming majority of places are used only as rentals with a pro cleaning service so a fairly antiseptic level of furnishings and cleanliness is standard. If the place is inexpensive then the furnishings won't be grand and will likely be sparse rather than cluttered. Probably at this point disclosure is not enough to overcome this expectation if people are determined to be jerks about a refund.
We went to see About Elly recently (fantastic, go see it) and they played an air bnb ad so mendacious and over the top manipulative it was pretty impressive. SF audience not the ideal for it, I don't think! Roundly booed. But we are standard issue hypocrites so renting an apartment in Portland for the wedding weekend rather than staying in a hotel. The stress of having to rely on lent kitchen space was too much for me. But not via air bnb! Apparently via some outfit that plays relatively nice with local regulators. Still clearly taking a housing unit off the market, though. Bad us.
I was in the exact situation a few years ago, working for my former employer, remotely, unable to work. I was not drawing a salary though, only under contract.
It was certainly a medical/mental health issue in my case, although simpler to resolve as I hadn't been paid. So there was no acceptable performance on either side.
Had I been drawing a salary, I might have thought about medical leave.
I read it like you at first, but I think he meant...
Whatever the inverse of OP p1 is, I'm it. Nowhere where I write or talk do I have the problem being understood I have here.
Uh, I maybe sometimes deliberately misunderstand things to make a joke.
A level of job stress sufficient to provoke panic attacks is the kind of situation that from the outside seems pretty clearly a health/medical issue but is precisely the sort of thing that from the sufferer's POV is about personal failing or something else equally puritanical and unhelpful.
72: ha, I had assumed it was you.
That's a good point -- not just about communicating with your job, Karl, but you should be getting therapy/care/support/something for its own sake.
49 works for me. Once I was traveling overseas for an extended period and lost a contact lens. I couldn't replace it, so I just had one working eyeball for about three months (my vision is pretty bad). My eyes adjusted quickly, and I just looked at stuff out of my good eye during that time period. No problem.
74/72: Huh, and I had thought this was about the most transparent use of presidentiality ever. I forgot about the initials, though.
I thought it was the most transparent use of presidentiality ever.
Anyway, I'm going to have a voice meeting with the CTO in an hour, after the team check-in (this will be awkward!). A VP is suggesting maybe I just take a 4-6 week break instead, but I think expecting that to change anything would be magical thinking. I wonder if half-time might, since then I'd just be 3-7 or so (but still getting more money than a full-time job here).
Actually, I rather thought it was the most transparent use of presidentiality ever.
79: With the possible exception of Richard Nixon, 1969-1974.
I haven't read the thread, but clearly Moby is the commenter whose intelligent comments are most often overlooked because they're buried in a sea of funny one-liners.
Who can get me a meeting with studio execs to pitch a TV series about a U.S. president who has the ability to turn invisible?
Insult 1: books thing not insulting, just means he doesn't have books. And plastic crap thing means I assume he didn't have children either - you probably have the level of plastic crap that other parents of similarly small children don't even register, but a non-parent would walk in and immediately be overwhelmed by all the kid gubbinses.
Insult 2: not an insult, unless it is definitely said with a snide "you and your precious children" attitude. Possibly a reaction to a perceived/imagined slight at her own parenting (did you have a particularly streamlined upbringing???). Funny thing to say though. I did always try to make everyone's swimming lessons happen on a Monday, which was usually possible, although might mean me being in the pool for 2 1/2 hours (I would take everyone swimming and then just take/send whoever had a lesson into the teaching pool). And they were all very well-drilled about things like getting on trains.
Bundesprasident, that sounds horrible - hope you can extricate yourself asap and without feeling worse.
Good luck, Herr Bundespräsident, and wholehearted sympathies on the marriage issues.
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I have a very trivial bleg. Can anyone point me to a tool that could save a copy of this streaming concert recording, to which access will end in two days?
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re: 87
The BBC have been trying to block people from doing that for a while. There used to be a tool called Radio Downloader you could use.
The easiest way might just be to use loopback recording on your computer -- i.e. where you route your soundcard output to the input of a recording program -- or use Audio Hijack or something similar.
But maybe the sleeper vs. overt distinction papers over that - if you're not named, it's clearly because you're well-known to be smart.
We could clear this ambiguity up by also naming the most overrated commenters.
We rented out our place a fair amount to pay down some debt, but now that the debt is gone, I don't have much tolerance for putting our stuff away. If we didn't already have plans to go away for the weekend, we'd still take a reservation and visit my sister. I'd clean the place vigorously before, and on return it might be messy but with underlying cleanliness. So by the time we'd straightened it out, it was generally cleaner than usual.
The thing the guests mostly objected to was the street noise. Turns out people who aren't used to it don't like hearing the loud drunk conversations at 2am on Friday and Saturday nights. Our bedrooms are five feet from the sidewalk; I've come to think our floorplan should have been flipped left/right, so the dining room and living room buffered the sound from the street.
Herr Bundespräsident, would you feel any better about finishing up some tasks if you knew you were completely done when those were over?
I also thought it was Knecht and have no idea who it is. I never see through presidentiality.
84: I disagree. I think Moby's intelligent comments get the most attention, because people reread them five times trying to spot the joke.
Turns out people who aren't used to it don't like hearing the loud drunk conversations at 2am on Friday and Saturday nights.
Do you like hearing it? Or have you learned to sleep right through it? Or are you out there every Friday and Saturday night at 2am, loud and drunk, trying to get the others to join you in throwing a couch off the roof?
88: Thanks! I'm sorry they haven't figured out a way (agreeable to the artists, labels, etc.) to sell these recordings, if there's such demand, but I'm sure there are truly, truly excellent reasons not to.
The mere thought of renting my place out to strangers gives me the hives. I've done Air B&B twice as a genuflection to our new "break the law, capitalize, change the law because the internet trumps the law" overlords; once was a standard vacation rental and was fine, the other was just for real staying in someone's apartment and it was TOO WEIRD because all of their stuff was just sitting there. Also it was in Berkeley, the place wasn't too clean, and the place was decorated in hippie, so that may have played a role, but mostly it was too weird. I'm not even judging, many feel the same way, but I'd pay money just to avoid having strangers sleep in my bed.
84 & 92 are both true. I reread Moby's comments until I get the joke. If I never do get the joke, I just assume that I'm being dense. I hadn't considered the possibility that he posted serious comments from time to time until now.
Karl Renner, you have my sympathies. Agree with the using the medical leave plan. Also, he said presumptuously, as someone with I think a milder version of some of your issues, I really don't recommend trying to work remotely and think that you shouldn't feel bad about that not working out -- my guess is that you'll be happier with an office and people right there who you can check in on every day and see you in the flesh, and that this is well worth a pay cut to achieve.
I'm going to regret saying this, but especially if you squint the right way and read charitably there are often extremely smart and genuinely insightful things said by Bob, albeit buried in the middle of a master of trolling/crazy old man sandwich. Plus let's not just write off those of us who have the balls to comment frequently and stupidly.
87: Audio Hijack (or whatever it is now--some software that lets you route audio internally to the computer, from one application to another) into Audacity (the easiest and best open source audio editor). You can then edit the start and end points in Audacity if there's any cruft, and export an mp3 or whatever.
I like them when they're funny. I generally wake easy and fall back asleep easy, so I don't mind them. We usually just get snippets.
One woman was talking on her phone (presumably to her boyfriend). All I heard was "why do you always lie to me? You're not with Eric, I'm walking with Eric right now."
Gah, I guess I'm taking a week vacation to think things over before deciding anything final.
It looks like Audio Hijack is free if I'm willing to stop and start the stream every ten minutes, or $49 for the full version. I have to decide if I'm going to use it more than once, and/or if I am going to be at liberty in the next 48 hours to babysit the recording process.
I have Audacity. I recently used Audacity to narrate an hour of working from home so I would stay on task. ("Okay, now I'm reformatting something. Now I'm just going to check unfogged for ten seconds... I'm back.") It worked fearsomely well, so I've never done it again.
101: Starting right now? AWESOME. Congratulations. How do you feel?
101: Starting right now? AWESOME. Congratulations. How do you feel?
I dunno. I tried to say that it'd be easier to think things over if I wasn't getting paid for June, because the guilt etc., but he sort of waved that away as crazy.
And in *theory* half-time would be awesome, because half my current rate is still tons, and then I'd have time to exercise and keep taking German classes and actually do things in the evenings and so on. But maybe it's just magical thinking to think I could make that work any better than full-time.
106: It seems like half-time would mean they'd be expecting you to do half as much, which might be doable even if you're going to explain that no, you're doing nothing now. Take the vacation time and take it seriously and see how you feel about it all!
How tightly deadlined/divisible into small units is the work? Could you really just work precisely 4 hours every day and then log off and feel totally free, or would you just be asked to do fewer (but still long-term) projects? If the latter, I say run far far away.
73 is a really important point very well made.
103: I think Soundflower will also do what you want (redirect output to input) if you have a Mac, although I seem to remember it being a bit of a bother to set up.
108: the work is pretty discrete. When I'm not paralyzed by shame about being behind, I can definitely get multiple tickets done in 4 hours.
There are bigger-picture issues: the work's not interesting, I'm not improving my skills, and the company's business model is something I find fairly distasteful. But because I do need to improve my German, get exercise, and make friends in this new city, a well-compensated half-time job would really be ideal.
On the third hand, given that we don't really need my income at the moment, maybe it would be even better to not work at all and devote myself full-time to self-improvement and so on.
I tried that once. I got less improving done that I did while working full time. I'd think about the half-time if I were you.
I'm incapable of paying attention to myself that long.
Then the half-time seems like an actually reasonable option BUT if you're going to do it at a minimum try to do semi-regular, like daily, phone calls or something to avoid falling down the shame spiral. It sounds like they actually don't hate you since they're trying to get you to keep working.
I tried to say that it'd be easier to think things over if I wasn't getting paid for June, because the guilt etc., but he sort of waved that away as crazy.
This says a lot, I think, about how the company values you. Like any long-distance relationship, love is not guaranteed to be enough to make it work, but it's certainly better than being unloved.
Yeah, the daily calls already happen. And usually, 1-3 hours before the calls, I actually start to get stuff done. The hope would be that if I can push it to "3.5 hours before the calls", well, that plus the calls would be my half-day.
Herr Bundespräsident, what would Luise think was the best course of action between going part time and packing in the job altogether?
I think it depends on the issue Moby lays out in 113--we both fear that'd be the most likely outcome of quitting entirely.
It's been a disaster, both in terms of output and for my mental health and my marriage.
I don't think this has explicitly been asked/answered, but does your spouse want you to quit?
Let me be the first to ask if your spouse wants you to quit.
Okay, dinner time. Thanks for your help, everyone.
Herr Präsident, falls Sie tatsächlich in Berlin oder in der Umgebung sind, schicken Sie mir eine Mail; wir könnten uns treffen zwecks Deutsch üben und Deutschland loben oder darüber lästern, je nach Bedarf.
Then I suggest Moby's conclusion is the right one. You can always quit later if it seems like a good idea.
Also, get counselling/therapy/whatever to address the self recrimination. Your employer is paying you because they want to. Even in enlightened topless Europe they can move you out the door quick enough if it seems good to them. You come first, then Frau Luise (because yo're no damn use to her if you're in this state), then your bloody job.
120 was written before reading 118/119.
Lieder nicht; Wien.
Ok, dinner for reals.
Also, get counselling/therapy/whatever to address the self recrimination.
My whatever is alcohol.
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Now we know why Von Wafer hasn't been commenting much lately. He's in China punching people in the dick.
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Compared to the houses of people without kids, our house is full of plastic crap. We keep it confined. It doesn't matter. The likelihood that any child-free home has a corner or two dedicated to Lego bricks, crayons, and hot wheels is quite small.
The place has always been full of books; the difference is now that I reach for a methodology anthology and find a board book about goslings.
I wonder if Wien is still full of for real Freudian psychoanalysts,* or if post-Nazis no one came back and they all went to the US or Argentina.
*not recommending taking up psychoanalysis, lord knows, just curious.
I'm thinking of writing a board book about nonparametric statistics.
Also, just to keep randomly and stupidly commenting on the OP, I'd have thought that the people who criticize for having too much plastic crap wouldn't criticize for having too many books, and the people who criticize (?) for too many books wouldn't criticize for plastic crap. Both at once seems weird, though I guess the design imperative is three artfully-created $400 wooden toys and three perfect art books on a Noguchi table in an otherwise bare room.
131: When I visited the Freud House in Vienna, I was surrounded by Germans and Austrians asking, "Why is there a museum to a man who was wrong?"
They really should make a bigger museum. Maybe a complex instead of a house.
134: By that standard, who would ever merit a museum?
133: Books are for losers who can't figure out how to use a Kindle, I think. Plastic toy crap is for losers who can't figure out how to use birth control (or a Kindle). Technology, rubes!
Kindles suck at books that exist primarily to display pictures of goslings.
I'd pay money just to avoid having strangers sleep in my bed.
My nightly rates are quite reasonable, but I think you'll find that a weekly basis is by far the most efficient.
139: hey girl, i show up just fine in the included browser
Also, they do furnish a room. Unless you're a hard core minimalist, I think objecting to books is the most boring kind of contrarianism.
birth control (or a Kindle)
Not tonight, dear; I want to finish this ebook.
Our recent bedroom redecoration included moving a bookcase so that it is directly in my line of sight from the bed and it turns out that is amazingly reassuring and restful for me. A large amount of printed matter equals positive personal feng shui! For a four year old a good collection of playmobil within reach plays the same role. The friend perhaps suffers from a slightly pinched heart.
I kind of want to be a psychoanalyst. Mostly from reading one interview with Adam Phillips and not quite getting around to finishing his books.
132, 139: relevant to your interests.
I was completely missing the non-goose part of the joke.
In the same way, a psychoanalysis bent on understanding people is going to be very limited. It's not about redescribing somebody such that they become like a character in a novel. It's really showing you how much your wish to know yourself is a consequence of an anxiety state--and how it might be to live as yourself not knowing much about what's going on.
I must have been that before (probably linked here) and it was in the back of my head when I wrote 132.
127: Ach, die etwas andere Bundeshauptstadt. Na ja, Staatsbesuch wird auch gern empfangen. Bellevue ist ja gross.
132: Would that get you board certified?
I can't get certified in anything because I don't have a terminal degree. Thanks for bringing it up.
What constitutes a terminal degree should really be an individual decision. "Anything more would have killed me."
"After this stick of deodorant is finished, I'm switching to Right Guard. This is my terminal Degree."
Death is too good for you, Stanley.
I externalize things. I would have killed someone else. I still have the list where I was trying to figure who. Anyway, 113 is very well informed.
157 to 154. I hadn't even met Stanley then.
I have to admit, it is probably "a consequence of an anxiety state," but I do now want to demand that my employer immediately grant me a week off so I can think about whether to quit or not. I'll just hightail it back to Carmel for the long weekend and improve the hell out of myself.
Not at all meant to mock or cast aspersions on Karl Renner or anyone. I meant it sincerely. This whole month has sucked a lot.
As for OP.1, definitely not me.
As for OP.2's first insult, we too have a lot of books, they're a mess, and I'd like to organize them better and/or get rid of some. Now really isn't the time, though. As for the second insult, it reminds me of a bit of parenting advice I read somewhere or other years ago: when faced with a kid that's being recalcitrant just because they're in that kind of mood, don't give them yes or no choices, give them either/or choices. Not "do you want dinner?" but "what do you want for dinner?" The idea being that they can't say no if there isn't something to say no to, so any head-butting is prevented. So if that's what you're doing, great, you're following advice you heard somewhere. If that's not what you're doing, you're such a good parent that you don't need it any more. Win-win! But seriously, is your mom always so passive-aggressive?
As for Karl Renner, it seems things have been settled for now. That being said, while you are/were tempted to quit right away, I just wanted to point out that it's hard to un-quit and you sound so stressed at the moment that you might not be in the right frame of mind to make a decision like that.
157: King Joffrey, Queen Cersei, The Tickler, The Hound, Gregor Clegane...
My mom is insanely passive-aggressive, yes. Our relationship improved dramatically when Jammies started pointing out these comments and identifying them as obnoxious - before I'd get increasingly irritated throughout a visit and thought myself an ungrateful brat. Now I just call her out on it and she doesn't mind a bit, and we usually have a good time together.
162.2: "What do you want for dinner?" will yield an answer that will then have the child throwing the dinner in your face while screaming about how nooooooo it should have been something else, right? Last night there was all sorts of shrieking about the tragedy of spaghetti and meatballs from the child who then went on to eat more than anyone else. Hungry kids are really stupid about what they want.
That said, I do the thing where you don't say no when you mean no, so "Sure, you can watch more Batman after you've finished dinner!" rather than "No, you can't watch more Batman because we're eating dinner!" except even Selah, not yet 3, basically knows it means no for now and responds accordingly most of the time. But it sometimes works!
Moby, I'd like to ask you politely not to respond to my comments anymore. Hopefully we can just mutually agree not to engage and that will be cool. Is that all right?
People who know about child-rearing. I thought you were supposed to give your kids two choices that aren't really choices, and not ask open ended questions? The example I read was "do you want to brush your teeth before using the potty or after?" rather than "do you want to brush your teeth now?"
With dinner, we always were told what dinner was, and that if we didn't want to eat it, there were starving children in Ethiopia who would, etc. It resulted in a lot of whining and a some tantrums over the years, but eventually it produced 3 non-picky eaters. When we were a bit older my grandmother would sometimes Godwin's law dinner, which was at first more successful than starving Ethiopian kids.
Parcel Post: one address has found me and two ties are going out. Reward for first mover: the Cockburn tartan.
I still have a lot of handsome ties.
14,18: Hanging paintings in front of full bookshelves seems very Bloomsbury style. You'd need to be able to lift the art with one hand to rifle through the occulted books.
We do that all the time with the two options, but Zardoz just says NOOOOO anyway.
I've always thought the "ask questions without the possibility of a 'no'" works better with adults than children. Children often operate on a simpler level where "this question means I don't get what I want" becomes really obvious really quickly. But I've had great success using the technique with, e.g., Professors* because they're more sophisticated and as a result more easily fooled.
*"Now, would you prefer we meet to discuss this paper on Thursday or Friday?"
my grandmother would sometimes Godwin's law dinner
Eat your Hitler?
Sometimes one thing works, sometimes another thing works ... helps enormously if either or both parents notice a pattern of something either never or nearly always working, adapt constantly and oh my god is Thorn right about hungry kids being complete nutcases!
The concept of being able to low key point out weird or passive aggressive remarks to a close relative with the result that the person backs off and the interaction becomes tolerable or enjoyable ... blows my mind. Wow.
"As dinner progresses without someone eating their lima beans, the probability of grandmother comparing the child to Hitler approaches 1."
"You know who else refused to eat his meat?"
My work has been disastrous lately also. I work for a lot of people so I think it would take a long time for me to get fired but it may make things awkward. Maybe not disastrous. Maybe just bad and embarrassing.
I went through a long phase of feeling like my work was disastrous. But no one seemed to notice, when I raised concerns I was reassured that all was well, and in hindsight it was all fine. Which isn't to claim I'm more awesome than I thought. Just that in crisis mode, everything looks dire and somethings may be less dire than they seem.
177 has been my entire career. Fifteen years out of law school, I still haven't figured out if I'm just suffering from a terrible case of impostor syndrome, I'm working for people with very low standards, or there's been a consistent conspiracy to deny me the negative feedback that is my rightful due. Or, I suppose, people have been complaining to me about my work all along, and it just hasn't made it through my thick skull.
As long as the paychecks keep coming in, not really my problem, though.
174/175 Have the right idea. Unfortunately you can only tell people that not eating potatoes makes them like Hitler so many times before the sting wears off. Also sometimes there was a general "during the war there was no milk, and now I have osteoporosis my neck bones have dissolved, you ungrateful brats." When we were teenagers she would also videotape the Democratic nominating convention and accuse us of being Fascists when we didn't want to watch it.
179:
Everything I ever read about your upbringing leaves me marveling that you're not a right-winger in reaction.
177, 178:
I've been lucky in getting negative feedback, at least in salaried positions. As a contractor, I often get no feedback at all, or evasive generalities amidst praise. I'd rather the negative feedback, as it suggests and confirms a commitment to you and to improving your performance, while the other means they can't be bothered or think it's not their job.
My boyfriend and I noticed that we were asking passive-aggressive questions instead of saying it outright and now compete to see who can come up with the most passive-aggressive question of all. "Are those shoes in the middle of the dining room floor?" "Have you ever seen anyone leave shoes in the middle of the floor?" "What are those things in the middle of the floor? Could they be shoes?"
Near as I can tell, either nobody's figured out that I'm an impostor, or it doesn't matter because everybody else is also an impostor.
I think one of the greatest joys of raising kids is their increasing mastery of that kind of intrafamily humor. And they have literally a lifetime of material to work with!
Pause / play thingy -
Lovely article in NYT on subjects of a new documentary with a wonderful bonus Glenn Tipton reference: http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/06/14/movies/the-wolfpack-brothers-step-out-of-their-world.html?_r=0
"You know who else refused to eat his meat?"
We do that all the time with the two options, but Zardoz just says NOOOOO anyway.
This. Definitely. Particular around getting dressed in the morning, as he'd rather just sit about in his nappy, or nappy + wellies.
'Do you want the dinosaur t-shirt, or the robot t-shirt?'
'Robot.'
'Right, arms up.'
'NOOOOOOO!'
re: humour/lies.
Last night, he was getting a story before bed. Both Mum and Dad in the room. He lets rip with a loud, and stinking fart.
'Did you do a poo?'
'No!'
'Did you fart?'
'Daddy did it!'
I still haven't figured out if I'm just suffering from a terrible case of impostor syndrome, I'm working for people with very low standards,
This. I suspect the truth lies somewhere in between, but exactly where on the continuum is hard to say. There's also a sense that, once you reach a certain point in your career, you must know what you're doing and not need feedback anymore.
I've been lucky in getting negative feedback . . .
I understand the sentiment, and it makes sense, but I still don't like receiving negative feedback, and don't know that I take criticism well (I don't get angry about criticism, it just makes me feel defensive and cornered).
"What are those things in the middle of the floor? Could they be shoes?"
"I wonder what the artist was trying to convey with this?"
It's really better that I not get negative feedback. I don't take it well.
Ah, somehow I didn't see 189 before 191. Yeah, negative feedback sucks.
OT: I now have a down backpacking quilt. I
"Now, would you prefer we meet to discuss this paper on Thursday or Friday?"
You evil bastard.
We just got our first "ew, gross" kissing in front of the kids (as I was being dropped off at the airport)
195: If you think that's bad there's always "Does Friday still work for you?", which I have absolutely also used on particularly troublesome professors.
Today somebody asked me if I could meet on July 3rd. I asked them why they hated America.
Wtf United has directv but they charge $8 for it? I'll just spy on my neighbors screen.
My cow-orkers made me feel my work is not quite as bad as I think it is, but I still daydream about quitting kind of a lot, and spend a lot of time in jaw-locked anxiety.
Well that's the first time I've been on a flight where they had to reboot the plane. Also the first time in 10 years that I've flown United. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.
I seem to have a post-op infection.
Oh no heebie! Hope the antibiotics work well and quickly. Also tell that surgeon to wash his hands.
Is there any way it could be blamed on United?
I am finally seeing MMFR. Sadly, it's sold out in the really good theater but not being held over. More sadly, my crew from my 20s all saw it long before I did.
Better be good, given all the over thinking I've already done.
This movie theater has compost trash. So far not misused, either.
195/197 reminds me that I still have to set up a meeting with an undergrad research student before I leave town this weekend. He asked for a project in April, I sketched an idea and sent him a few emails in the intervening time asking if he would meet. He never replied or showed up. Then yesterday he sent me an email saying "I finished that entire research project; when can I explain the result to you?" So he's either a genius or a nut.
Sorry to hear about everyone's problems and frustrations. I've been pretty stressed out the past couple of days about work stuff, but as of now it all seems to be either resolved or in the process of being resolved. I have to get up super-early tomorrow for another of my long travel days, so that's annoying too. At least we got some potential good news on the budget situation today.
So he's either a genius or a nut.
It has to be one or the other?
170: The Calabat looks at us like we're crazy if we suggest that his options are two books. There is a whole BOOKCASE right there, Mom.
And now the aux power failed and the whole plane shut down and went dark. Someone then commented, "At least we're on the ground"
Huh, some people decided to get off the plane. Do they just lose the money for their ticket?
But it appears they're giving us free TV! So I guess my two choices were sit on a broken plane for two hours or pay $8 for TV.
Well that's the first time I've been on a flight where they had to reboot the plane.
That's happened to me before. But not the aux power failing.
214: Ditto. "Never fly United" is a good general rule IME.
202: Ugh. If you are on antibiotics, ask your doctor about probiotics. Unless the post-op infection in question is already antibiotic induced. In which case, probably still ask about probiotics. Sorry you are dealing with complications.
"Never fly" is better. Also, is United really notably worse than the others? Southwest used to be better, but they seem to have embraced the "bus with wings" business model. Frontier totally cheaped out a few years ago, after it was reorganized. Alaska is still much better, I guess, but their routes are incredibly limited. Same with Jetblue, maybe, but I haven't flown them in a long time. And the other big carriers -- Delta and American -- seem to suck every bit as much as United.
Delta and American definitely do suck too, but my experiences with United have been consistently worse. I try to avoid them all these days, which has become easier as Alaska has expanded its routes.
AISIMHB, I used to think United was uniquely bad, but when I lived in New Jersey I flew Continental all the time because Newark. And then Continental became United and now I fly United almost always because I have status. And it's mostly fine; I've decided that a lot of the things I thought were uniquely bad United problems were actually uniquely bad O'Hare problems.
Huh. It's true that most of the worst experiences I've had with United also involved O'Hare.
And I haven't flown any of the large carriers in a while, since I have status on Alaska and they now fly everywhere I go regularly.
I think for trans-Atlantic flights I've only tried United and Lufthansa, and United is much better. Lufthansa has super-tiny seats.
ask your doctor about probiotics.
I'm no doctor, but I don't think heebie should be spreading yogurt where her uterus used to be.
ask your doctor about probiotics.
I'm no doctor, but I don't think heebie should be spreading yogurt where her uterus used to be.
Now I just call her out on it and she doesn't mind a bit, and we usually have a good time together.
This is a truly wonderful story, beautiful to behold!
My problems with United are mostly Denver problems.
I'd always rather fly Alaska to Seattle, and then on from there to wherever.
Alaska now flies to Costa Rica. There's a big story about it in this month's in-flight magazine.
Virgin America is pretty great. Of course my perception may be skewed by the fact that they pretty much only fly non-stops, and those are almost guaranteed to be a more pleasant experience than anything that involves changing planes.
I am so glad that moving back to near where my family is has reduced my need to fly to only a couple of times a year. None so far in 2015.
We arrived in Chicago after midnight, so that counts as a red eye, right?
This is a truly wonderful story, beautiful to behold!
Now that you mention it, it is, especially Jammies' role in it.
Also, Eggplant is right - Jammies' role is huge. It's great to be validated when you didn't see it coming.
The thing about my mom is that she drinks her own kool-aid and absolutely believes the passive-aggressive comments were to be helpful or just crossed her mind as a curiosity or whatever. So she stays in that frame of mind when you point it out to her. Which means it's probably not passive-aggressive exactly, just actually how she says things, but she's constantly pointing out flaws you hate and tasks that you don't feel like doing in that manner, so it's effectively the same.
Also I have to do a work thing this morning and won't be on a computer to post until this afternoon. Sorry all.
Cipro is a beautiful thing.
Hooray!
And yes, that is a wonderful story, right on, you and Jammies.
After a year of hearing comments from all corners about how I was doing my parenting and the related housekeeping, I came up with a formula that I keep to myself: the amount of attention I'll give someone's comments is linked to the amount of time they spend with my son. So his babysitter, (who is smart) I'll care what she says. My dear friend whose judgement I respect in many areas - no.
Posted before seeing 234, 235. When you're back...how exactly do you go about pointing out to your mom that she's making the kind of comment you describe? Pointing it out in a way that she doesn't mind a bit? I believe my mother when she says that her intention is just to think out loud (expressing surprise!) or to be helpful, but it is effectively the same (to me) as suggesting even more things to do or to do differently, in a way that would work for her. Conversations usually end with a heavy sigh and "well I guess you're different from me." I'm trying to pinpoint what I'm reacting badly to, and I think it's 1. her disappointment in this and 2. that the disappointing discovery has to be made over and over. I'm getting tense just thinking about it. (My formula does not work quite as well with my mother, obvsly.)
Is anybody's mom not like this to some extent?
Many of your moms will be close to me in age, and I understand how they got that way. Any reason to believe that might change for some people any time soon?
Dads are often not like this, for instance, so it's not just age, it's relationship.
Dads are often not like this, for instance, so it's not just age, it's relationship.
My dad is equally quick to point out things he'd do differently. Because he's a feminist?
I always wondered what people learned in those 70s consciousness-raising sessions.
I think that sort of thing does tend to be gendered, although my own mother isn't like that at all. Occasionally grumpy, but not given to passive-aggressive comments, or judgemental comments or criticism in general.
My wife's mother, on the other hand, goes all the way past passive-aggressive into basically hateful character assassination and continual complaint. While still drinking the same self-kool-aid, though. She believes she's being 'helpful'.
I think that my sisters and I wouldn't agree on this. Maybe the gender of the child matters more?
||239: Bad day for masturbation--Ornette Coleman also now off limits.|>
re: 243.last
My wife's mother is definitely _much_ harsher to her and, in particular, her sister than she is to her brother. So I expect he'd have a different take.
Maybe that's why my sisters are more successful than me.
Or possibly it's because they don't comment on the internet.
238: I used to not get along well with my mother. Not passive-aggressive, but negative, nosy, bossy... But these days I handle it a little better when it happens, and it happens a lot less. I think several things helped, retirement among them.
245: Does it even count if you're thought that person was probably dead for at least 30 years already?
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I'm not sure this is the correct usage of the term 'swing state'.
Other notes from Georgia:
-It looks like there's a pretty decent chance it will be a swing state in the 2016 Presidential election if Hillary Clinton is the Democrat candidate. Clinton leads against 6 out of 7 potential Republican opponents we tested, trailing only Jeb Bush at 45/44. She leads Rand Paul (47/44), Mike Huckabee (48/45), and Herman Cain (48/45) all by 3, Chris Christie (46/41) by 5, and Ted Cruz (47/41) and Newt Gingrich (49/43) both by 6.
I mean, who knows maybe the horse will sing and all, but good grief. This has got to be nightmare fuel for Republican strategists right now.
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Oh never mind. Some jerk tricked me with an old link - it's probably not true anymore.
Yeah, who would vote for Herman Cain or Newt Gingrich for dog catcher at this point?
it happens a lot less. I think several things helped, retirement among them
I deeply wish my dad would try an SSRI. He's getting increasingly negative. His mom was too until she got an SSRI and then she turned nice.
Having Newt Gingrich as dog catcher would be awesome. Can't you just picture him chasing after rabid dogs with one of those big nets? I'd vote for that.
I don't really want Herman Cain to be President of the United States, but it would be nice to have him in my life again.
257: You could marry him, but I think you'd have to get divorced first.
I am finally seeing MMFR.
How was it?
257: We should amend the Constitution to institute a federally elected Court Jester position, to be elected concurrently with the President. Speaking truth to power (for some value of 'truth') while looking very silly is what Cain does best.
That and running mediocre pizza restaurants.
Having Newt Gingrich as dog catcher would be awesome
I don't know. Gingrich is really really into zoos. He'd probably just catch all the dogs and then establish some weird dog zoo.
262: Just so long as he doesn't make them act out his other hobby, alternate history Civil War stories.
We had wild dogs at our zoo. Then they ate a baby. I think they wound up at the Omaha Zoo. Anyway a bit after the baby was eaten, the Omaha Zoo had some of the same type of dogs and they didn't advertise them at all.
260. You wouldn't need to amend the constitution. Surely any candidate who announced, "If elected I will appoint a Court Jester to speak truth to power" would be a shoo-in. You might have to cave to public pressure and repeal the 22nd amendment in consequence.
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I'm guessing unfogged might find this recent PNAS paper on correlations in American baby names during the 20th century interesting.
If you can get past the paywall, check out figures 1 and 2. Wow, the Great Jennifer Boom was no joke.
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how exactly do you go about pointing out to your mom that she's making the kind of comment you describe? Pointing it out in a way that she doesn't mind a bit? I believe my mother when she says that her intention is just to think out loud (expressing surprise!) or to be helpful, but it is effectively the same (to me) as suggesting even more things to do or to do differently, in a way that would work for her. Conversations usually end with a heavy sigh and "well I guess you're different from me."
I think it points to a real generosity of spirit that my mom has. Her intentions are always pure, and she always hears my intentions as being pure(-r than they may always be.)
But to balance out the kind things in this comment, I'll now say: wow, mom, you personally notified my childhood friend that I barely ever see that I had a hysterectomy? I did put it on FB but I thought long and hard about whether or not I was comfortable doing so.
That's a great system, Penny, not least because if you fundamentally disagree with people you already had a reason not to give your kid over to them.
My mother isn't passive-aggressive because she was raised Yankee: silence, silence, tense silence, declarative statement of absolute belief. My father's Southern relatives are all p-a by that standard. The men say it's only the women who do it (sweet things) but that's just part of their strategy. My dad's second wife is Chicago Polish and they are never silent about anything, as far as I can tell. This is a good addition to the mix.
Plus, there's probably some perogie in it for you.
One brother and his wife are pulling their kids out of private school, aitihmhb, because of the insane price tag, and had a conveniently timed come-to-Jesus moment about the quality of public schools.
The funny new development is this: the kids' private school ends two weeks before the public schools, and the summer camps are all timed to the public school closing. In the past, they've covered the gap with babysitters, but this year they put the kids in public school for two weeks...in the name of helping them adjust to their new school.
I really just think the rationalization is funny. Let's all pretend this is for the children.
MMFR was very satisfactory, like one of the good wuxia movies. (Water Margin, ha.) Beyond Thunderdome worried me because I thought the utilitarian argument against blowing the place up was really strong, so I liked not blowing up the citadel. Nice reprise.
Have we had a thread on _Seveneves_? Because that was not satisfactory in any way that _The Martian_ didn't do better.
271: I would be so pissed if I were that kid. You can't move the goalposts on when summer starts!
Wouldn't that piss off the people at the new school?
I don't see how it would actually make the adjustment easier in any universe - you'll be with a bunch of bonkers, ready for summer kids in an entrenched social dynamic with a teacher they know really well, for two weeks. In the fall, you'll have a new teacher, a different collection of kids, and everyone will have on their new clothes and be on their best behavior.
I mean, I think the kids will be totally fine, but it seems not-helpful-whatsoever.
275.2: It's clearly helpful -- just not for the kids.
I think it could be very helpful for the kids - they might be able to suss out new norms while they aren't the center of attention, and then start next year better adapted.
I think the coming into the class in the last two weeks is more likely to make you the center of attention compared to coming in at the beginning of a new year.
We had people, usually exchange students, turn up in the last few week from time to time and the reaction was always, "Who the fuck is that? Do we need to tell somebody they're in here?"
I agree with both clew and Moby.
Take 3 weeks medical leave. At the end of 3 weeks let them know you can't come back. Don't string them out by taking the maximum amount of leave, since your goal is not to fuvk them over.
I may not know that much about it. I was in the same school from 1st grade through high school graduation.
I am amused to read the advice in 281 as a reply to the condition of agreeing with both clew and Moby -- clearly the sign of a serious problem.
Seems to me 277 & 288 don't agree with each other. Perhaps pipeweed would clear it up for me. (Have kept four of the narrowest ties to wear myself. Still have a bushel. Anyone tartan-curious, look for mutual friends on the book of the face.)
278 was serious. I'm by no means certain as to whether or not joining the class two weeks before summer would help the adjustment or not, but I'm fairly certain it would do nothing to make the kids less of a center of attention.
I don't like gossip and boring relatives.
Christmas is coming and I'm saving coupons like crazy to make sure gifts are on point this year. That's all that matters right now!!