Both met and married their husbands in (non-Austin) Texas. One has since moved to a blue state, however.
Delurking to say my wife had this feeling about an old friend's husband. Yesterday the friend messaged to say that her husband is gay, had met someone else, and they will be divorcing. They tell their high school aged kids on Sunday.
I don't know the couple well, but I feel awful about it. I don't think the friend's background (conservative Catholic) is making this bad situation any easier.
I know this is my wife's to handle and she knows her friend best. I just wish I saw a way for her friend and the family to get through things with as few mental abrasions as possible.
There's probably a way to make an app to disrupt the field of pondering the sexuality of your friends and acquaintances. Beardr? Anyway, I'm thinking you list your significant other and your Facebook friends can vote anonymously. They can also send you an anonymous suggestion to list the person.
I thought this would be a Mast Brothers post.
What you really need is a way for everybody at the wedding to make secret bets about the reason the marriage will blow up (sexuality, alcoholism, gambling debts, etc.) that are only revealed if there is a divorce.
Not in a way where you can definitively prove that you were right.
Somewhat related: I have 22yo cousin who came out to the family two years ago. (Prior to that, he was out in a more limited way to friends.)
The cousin's dad (my uncle) is convinced that it's "just a phase," which I find both hilarious and very sad. The dad already had a bit of a "little man" complex and now seems to be taking his son's sexuality as a reflection of his own manhood—as if he failed as a father somehow, since his son ended up gay. Anyway, I hope the uncle gets over himself soon.
You haven't met either of the husbands? Where is the vibe coming from?
Theres a betting book provided at a lot of weddings. Big fancy pen, everyone writes in it, you wish the couple luck...
a Mast Brothers post
I kind of love that whole fiasco.
Image-management related. I've come to the point where I immediately feel sorry for couples who post cheerful photos of themselves alongside phrases like "So in love!" or "So blessed!" "There's some shit going down there," I automatically think, which of course may or may not be true; it's just that this seems often to turn out to be the case, like when on being recently reunited with a close and now twice-divorced friend who used to do this, I discovered that her ex-husband in her "So in love" and "So blessed" pictures had been a nutcase who regularly beat and abused her.
Totally totally superficial and judgmental. I'm almost embarrassed to explain what I'm using as cues.
1. She's super extremely cliche Texan - think rhinestone crosses, bottle blond. He's significantly better looking, in a very crisp, clean urban way. Their body language always looks...lopsided to me. New baby, heavy on religion.
2. She is very conventional and j. crew-ish and he looks grungey seattle clean cut earrings pretty way. New babies, a decent dose of religion. He is mostly absent from all photos but popped up for christmas.
I told you it was super, super terrible and judgmental. Both women seem like such convenient foils. (Where the fuck do I get off, anyway.)
I just saw a study (was it any good? no idea) that people who lurk on Facebook are generally happier than people who post on it.
Yeah, I dunno. I'd go with the 'Then I feel bad for not letting the husband just be whoever the hell he is, without judgment. Just let them give off whatever vibe they give without inferring anything about their private life' option if at all possible.
On the other hand, if you assume the most luridly awful disfunctional relationship imaginable going on beneath the happy facade, you'll eventually either be pleasantly surprised or get to say "I knew it all along". Win-win!
"Pick one player at random. Every other player says why they think that player's marriage is doomed. You score one point for everyone who agrees with your guess. If the player selected is the bride or groom, points are doubled."
20: you are right that I'm being an asshole! You are wrong in that I am not asking for advice.
I didn't think you were. 20 was just my way of saying that this thread makes me uncomfortable. Speculating about who's secretly gay makes me uncomfortable. That's all, over and out.
I have friends who are always posting about being #soblessed #foreverlove #bestfriends and even maintain some kind of actively gruesome Twitter feed under their (diabetes-inducing) pet names for one another that condescends to instruct others on the ways of #foreverlove. If I didn't know them as well as I do, I would flat out assume he beat her or something based on that mess.
beards? seems a little judgey, but why is it your concern?
I would flat out assume he beat her or something based on that mess.
At a minimum one of them is a serial cheater.
26: I'm just thinking I should probably intervene.
Just tell each wife her husband's having an affair with the other wife. That way everyone's free to go their way with no complications!
You should invite the acquaintances in question to a dinner party and then spend the evening finding subtle, wacky ways to demonstrate their S.O.'s are into Queer Guy Culture things like Clay Aiken and the Miss Universe pageant. The climax of the evening would come when you pop in a Blu-Ray of a beloved Quentin Tarantino classic, but oops! It's "Drill Bill" instead of Kill Bill! Watch the mesmerized expressions on the hubbies' faces and the dawning realization on their wives', then provide them a printed invoice for relationship therapy. Game, set and match.
From what I see, just advice columnists usually say you should butt out of whatever the issue is in other people's marriages. But maybe try the new Dear Prudence. She seems open to meddling. She has twice told people they could steal a dog.
It would be irresponsible not to intervene.
And a free dog would cushion the blow.
You could separately ask each of the husbands to help you prove the other is gay by going on a "fake" date.
I feel certain 34 will soon be the premise of an actual reality show. (Also, "Beardr" is genius.)
Facebook probably already knows if people are gay. They have algorithms. And browsing history.
Just see who reads Tom and Lorenzo?
Why do all these homosexuals keep banging my wife?
I know a former baptist preacher that came out as transsexual. And then he and his wife just became old lady friends. Still live together and all.
Congratulations Heebie. It looks like your post from 2014 is a sleeper hit.
Post-breakup Facebook updates are not much easier to craft than not-explicitly-noting-the-awful-relationship ones were, I'm finding.
||
Turns out the lines aren't "when we're in the scullery room / who will follow whom" after all.
|>
I simply assumed y'all are into the kinkiest relationships ever culled from the pages of Penthouse Forum. I don't have to speculate, I just look at the chart I drew up to keep it all organized.
even maintain some kind of actively gruesome Twitter feed under their (diabetes-inducing) pet names for one another that condescends to instruct others on the ways of #foreverlove.
😳
If " :-\" was good enough for F. Scott Fitzgerald, it's good enough for you.
There's a couple I know from the arts scene who had to postpone their wedding due to unspecified issues, but then they got married, and I am pretty sure they are both straight, but they had a baby a few months ago, and all the Facebook posts about the baby are treacly in the extreme -- do you think the baby might be abusive?
But yes, in all seriousness, there's a certain brand of baby sap that makes me suspect a very colicky baby.
How much baby sap do you need to get really syrupy?
do you think the baby might be abusive?
Well, babies are like puppies, Natilo. All cute and cuddly and wide-eyed in their innocence, and that's how they draw you in. But you never know when they might chew up your favourite pair of shoes, or take a leak on your living room carpet, or something horrible like that.
Abusive? Maybe so. But it's just the laws of nature in operation, I guess. The most recent-born generation is always the most likely to extend into a future generation, and must therefore always take precedence.
Yeah but some of those shoes can last a really long time.
59: Well, sure. Unless you make the mistake of bringing home a baby, or a puppy.
Wait. Why are your shoes in the crib or your baby in the closet.
I forgot the OP. The baby is in the closet to visit her dad.
Why are your shoes in the crib
It's attachment parenting, Moby. The baby's sling of course doubles as the filter for an espresso machine.
GEDDIT? The shoes can "LAST" a long time?
A babysitter should stick to his last.
For a long time, I thought that "cobbler, stick to thy last" meant something like: cobbler, you just keep on cobbling, like, to the end, stick it out to the last bit of possible cobbling. Like basically: "cobbler, keep on truckin'". I don't know why I thought it was "thy" last (or rather, I do know that I couldn't make sense of that).
"The cobbler's kids go barefoot" is what my mother always said.
That would seem to have another meaning entirely.
'There isn't a pocket in a shroud" was another of my mum's sayings. My mother had her own system of reference to probably a whole other system of meaning.
Someone I know ran away with his best friend's wife. Their Facebook feed is best described as 'uxorious', with an element of exhibitionism. Basically, rubbing her ex's face, and the face of all of their friends about how much in love they are, how 'hot' he thinks she is, and how much sex they are having. It's boak-worthy.*
* http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=boak
69: that saying would be pretty familiar to me, as a more vivid version of "you can't take it with you".
If the ancient Egyptians could take it with them, I don't see why I can't.
70 -- sometimes the decline of shame and guilt in matters sexual feels like it has its costs.
More generally, though, while overcompensating is definitely a thing, I'm generally inclined to believe that people who project as happy and successful on Facebook are in fact happy and successful. Maybe that's naive, but the alternative reeks of "this rich/attractive/apparently very happy person is really unhappy/stupid/pursued by inner torment, glad I'm not him!" which 90% of the time is just a comforting delusion to alleviate envy.
More generally, though, while overcompensating is definitely a thing, I'm generally inclined to believe that people who project as happy and successful on Facebook are in fact happy and successful
Well, sure. For now. Because they are naive or are overlooking their own flaws or their spouse's flaws. Or they can't see the doom that is hurdling toward their currently happy marriage.
That is what makes it so much fun. We see the intersection in the future that they are ignoring.
I'm generally inclined to believe that people who project as happy and successful on Facebook are in fact happy and successful. Maybe that's naive, but the alternative reeks of "this rich/attractive/apparently very happy person is really unhappy/stupid/pursued by inner torment, glad I'm not him!" which 90% of the time is just a comforting delusion to alleviate envy.
Maybe, but shouldn't the unhappy and unsuccessful be allowed a comforting delusion?
That is what makes it so much fun. We see the intersection in the future that they are ignoring.
will knows how to comfort the bitter and lonely!
The blissfully unaware and those who purposefully do not look too closely at their spouse's flaws are probably doing marriage the right way.
75 - yes! That is why my billion dollar social media idea is for schadenfreude-book (that's the concept, the site name will be "urnotsobad.com") where an algorithm cherry-picks negative information about friends, relatives, acquaintances and celebrities for you from social media and the public internet and serves it up in maximally comforting form.
53: Or a certain kind of mommy-sap that makes me suspect that the poster would rather have an office job than stay home with the kids. #mostimportantjobintheworld #goals
I'm not content if only my spouse is willing to not look too closely at my flaws.
My mother was my father's beard. I didn't know my dad was gay as a kid, I just assumed cross-dressing and love of musical theater, Barbara Streisand, interior decorating, and fashion were common straight male interests. Lots of the other "straight" men we knew were secretly gay too. Most of them ended up amicably divorcing after 30 years of marriage, and I imagine my parents would have too if my dad hadn't died of AIDS in the early 90s.
In that kind of arrangement do the partners have extramarital lovers? Or does that make the beard, uh, too patchy?
I'm sorry, Presidential.
Ive told this before but my most recent ex-significant other's first husband was gay. It made the split easier for her bc she knew it wasn't something she had any control over.
It is shameful the pressure that we placed on people to pretend to be straight. (place)
Are there any good stats on percentage of the population that's closeted, and how that's changed over time? Stories like 81 -- it's not that it doesn't happen at all any more, given all the evangelical pastors out there. But you have to hope (and assume) that it's happening a lot less, now that it's easier being out.
Sorry, Prez. I have several friends who grew up with gay parents whose secrets did a number on them, which I've tried to learn from, though time will tell. Mara would like me to find a boyfriend and never say the word "girlfriend" in public in any context. It's fascinating to watch how their feelings and preferences evolve, but they know I'm not normal even as our little family unit is essentially their normal. It's hard stuff to balance even without deliberate deception, but maybe all families are like that.
81: I have an extended family member (male, late 20's) who I'm fairly certain is closeted. He got married this summer to a woman. He isn't religious and his family isn't homophobic so it's really hard for me to understand why he would choose to do this. His family is, however, good Midwestern folk and are culturally quite "straight" and I surmise that he values the benefits of continuing to exist peaceably in that culture rather than live out his sexuality in society that is foreign to him.
Until it becomes stifling to him in 10, 20, or 30 years and the whole artifice comes crashing down in dramatic fashion, of course.
I feel more for her than him, unless she knows. Or you're wrong about the guy.
I've been nominated for Top Doctor Winter 2015 award. So, that means I'm brilliant or my spam filter sucks.
90: Sure, you might have bagged the Top Doctor nomination, but Who's Who in High Education plans to include me in their 2016 edition!*
*Provided that I buy at least 2 copies.
Not "higher"? That is an accomplishment.
It's ok. The relationship wasn't open, my dad just had lovers behind my mother's back. She found out when he contracted HIV, and made the decision to stay and raise the kids together and tolerate his at-that-point-long-term lover. She says the marriage was still good after that point. When I was young my dad took my brother and me to meet him, introducing him as his good friend. It wasn't until I was older I learned from my mom that was his boyfriend, who also died of AIDS around the same time.
The hardest thing psychologically was on his deathbed, my dad made us promise never to tell anyone he died of AIDS. This was a month before the movie Philadelphia came out, and AIDS was still a pariah disease. It's understandable that my dad was worried he'd lose his job and insurance and friends if he told anyone his real illness, but it is hard to tell kids to lie for the rest of their lives, and it was in part rooted in some level of self loathing.
Well, I've been included in Who's Not for the 20th consecutive year! And I only had to buy 3 copies each year (but I buy extra anyway to send to my nephews and nieces)
Have airplanes with usb ports become common and I've just not seen one before or is this a special plane?
Alaska has been putting them in a lot of their planes. Regular power outlets too.
A baby took a huge dump and we've been at the gate for a half hour with no movement. Except the bowel kind.
Just sitting here waiting for somebody else to shit so I have some new sensory input.
Or the de-icing truck, whichever is easier.
You picked a really shirty seat.
I had a cousin, from a wingnut sub-branch of the family who died of AIDS in the early 90s. His wife had died a few years before he did but we'd been told she'd died of cancer. My aunt and uncle tried to keep his condition secret until my cousin was very near death at which point they sent out a letter saying he had AIDS and that AIDS had also killed his wife. There was a long paragraph about "We have no idea where he got it! Could've been a past relationship of either his or his wife's! Or surgery maybe!" So I basically had long assumed he was closeted due to wingnutty macho (if not really religious) parents. I mentioned this recently to a brother who answered, "What? No. They were both junkies and everybody knew that." Oh.
What's a baby supposed to do when a flight is three hours late?
104: In the immortal words of Tommy Pickles, "A baby's gotta do, what a baby's gotta do".
85: Does she feel the same way about Lee?
His family is, however, good Midwestern folk and are culturally quite "straight"
I've known some of those. This one guy in my Russian class Freshman year came out the next year, and I ran into him at a party, and he was telling people about how the first time he'd walked into a gay country western bar and seen men dancing together had been even worse (yeah) than the first time he kissed a guy. I guess the change of identity is a big deal. I wouldn't know, having been a big homo since maybe 16 and sort of a fag before that anyway.
Whatever, guys like that will provide hot hookups for gays who get something out of believing they've blown a straight guy. Sorta win/win/lose/lose.
I don't know what you've heard, but something is supposed to come out.
After all this long day, I'm going to miss my next flight because there's no fucking gate open.
107: Right now they're all pretty conflicted about Lee on non-gender-related fronts and I think most of the focus is there, though I haven't pressed her in it at all.
I was talking to my girlfriend about this thread, and she sent along The Recollectors, a site dedicated to children telling the stories of parents they lost to AIDS.
The first hour on the ground after landing was frustrating, but I think the second might be an improvement, the way Empire Strikes Back was better than Star Wars.
To be clear, on the ground and in the plane.
|| No more masturbating to Lemmy Kilmister Motörhead.
I'm so sorry, Prez. Getting ready to read The Recollectors now. I bearded for my best friend / boyfriend all through high school. He died of HIV/aids in 2001. I miss him no less each year. The best thing about bearding was that we were kids enough that it felt like a game of top secret super spy games, and it kept me from confronting my own fears around consent / non-consent, bullshit expectations, my own queer-ness. The worst moment was the night one of the many creepy older men (the closet covers for abuse too) sneered at me for being the ignorant beard (I did cultivate an ingenue look as another kind of protection). I hope kids have it better now .
Re: 116
Shit, two members in a few weeks.
God damn. Kinda seemed like it was coming, but still, he felt immortal.
Is that the guy who lived on cigarettes, whiskey, and steak?
Yes. When the cancer diagnosis happened he switched to vodka.
I wonder what the Rainbow will be like tonight. One of my recs for tourists for years was to go there for a drink to see Lemmy, often playing a video game.
Clear liquors aren't healthy in large amounts.
I'm so sorry, Presidential. I don't know how old you were when your dad died, but that deathbed promise sounds like a heavy psychological burden for anyone (of whatever age) to bear.
123 He had learnt of the disease on 26 December, and was at home, sitting in front of his favorite video game from The Rainbow which had recently made it's way down the street, with his family.
the second might be an improvement, the way Empire Strikes Back was better than Star Wars.
Careful. If you put it that way, it implies that the plane flight equivalents of the prequels are somewhere in your future...
It will all be worth it for the flight 35 years in the future with Carrie Fisher.
Mara would like me to find a boyfriend and never say the word "girlfriend" in public in any context.
Ouch. How much does she really understand of what she is saying and how that makes you feel?
129: I don't think she's trying to hurt me with any of this and I'm not hurt just as I'm not when she wishes she hadn't been adopted or if she had to be adopted that at least I'd be black. It's genuinely how she feels and I'm grateful she's honest about it. She has a lot of fear of losing caretakers and I know our breakup has exacerbated that. She's just seen our relationship fall apart and most of her friends with two parents have a mom and dad, so I think it's more that she's hedging her bets than internalized homophobia or anything like that.
The ban on saying "that was her girlfriend" is maybe more like that, but I've always assumed they'd go through stages of wanting to be more closeted and I will never ask them to lie about out family history or composition but won't stop them from not being forthright when that feels more convenient or necessary. But none of that makes me feel offended or unloved.
Nia, by contrast, is very offended that Lee keeps claiming that celebrities in People magazine are her new girlfriend, which Nia disapproves of since it's been years and years since she herself was ready to marry the Biebs, but she was also clear that any girlfriend of Lee's would NOT be her mom. (She only provisionally thinks of Lee as her mom anyway, and I think her mental schema for a family is mom plus mom's partner. So Lee could be in the latter role but isn't allowed to push into the former by virtue of having a partner herself.)