You will be great because you are great. The people here are amazing supports, I've found.
Oh, I have nothing useful to say. And tell me to mind my own business if you want, but "i'm intrigued by your 'I found out about a month ago'. Was this a mutual decision or did he tell you.
A friend of mine thought he was fairly happily married and one day he found out she wanted a divorce.
Hope it goes as smoothly as possible.
It's tough, especially at first. A year and change in, I'm starting to see all the opportunities and possibilities for joy the divorce opened up, even though it's still painful at times.
Di Kotimy was kind enough to write me at the other place after I announced my divorce and encouraged me to look at as an opportunity for reinventing myself. It really helped me process what I was going through. You spend so much time thinking of yourself as part of a couple when married, it's a revelation to realize you get to define yourself for yourself.
Anyway, don't make any big decisions too quickly, and be sure to engage in self maintenance. (Also, even if you're not ready to do so now, let me assure you it's quite fun to fuck new people after so long with just one person.)
I think what Chopper's saying is that he's available, you know, whenever's appropriate.
Way to make the subtext explicit Sifu.
Probably for the best. At his age, it's only a matter of time before the prostate goes.
I am really sorry to hear this. Any and all support I can offer is yours.
Sorry to hear it, and seconding the above: your are an awesome person.
I'm very sorry to hear that LB, that's a tough one. You have all my sympathies and my full support.
Thank you for telling us. I feel stunned and sad. Your imaginary voice was such a comfort to me when I was going through my own, and I know I'm not the only one. You are going to be ok.
Ack. Lots of love to you.
IME the actual judgment of divorce part of getting divorced is great, though of course everything leading up to that judgment is totally horrible. But man is getting that divorce judgment sweet -- like getting out of prison, unambiguously great. The steps leading up to that moment totally blow though, just like prison.
I don't know if this is helpful or not, but in retrospect the thing that fucked me personally up the most in both divorces was feeling needlessly ashamed of them. Especially the second one with a kid involved. That shame was really the poison and what made me feel crazy, not the divorces themselves. So, fuck that. You've already taken the big and good step of announcing it here, which, right on.
That sounds rough. I'll be thinking good thoughts for you.
You know who else never divorced anybody?
I am really sorry to hear it -- and really, really grateful you told us.
I don't know anyone who found divorce a pleasant experience, but I know a great many people who very much like who they came to be -- and what their lives came to look like -- post-divorce. So I hope you'll turn to us for inappropriate jokes support during the not-fun parts right now, and allow us to meddle in the fun parts later on as appropriate.
So sorry to hear that. (Although I'm just a lurker, I'm still shocked and saddened to hear it. But I also truly hope it's for the best.) Sounds all very sudden. I hope the conversation went OK with the kids. They will adjust in time just as you will!!
Oh, LB. Big hugs to you. You're great.
Yikes! That's surprising and sad news.
I am glad that you shared here and not (just?) on the Other Place. You've been a familiar voice for years, a key figure on the blog, an I appreciate you including us in the announcement.
I don't know what to say other than to offer my support and that, to the extent that this place is metaphorically Callahan's, my glass is joining the cascade in the fireplace.
don't make any big decisions too quickly, and be sure to engage in self maintenance
This is good advice and probably the only advice that applies universally. Even the best divorces are pretty disorienting. Best of luck navigating it all and feel free to write any time.
delurk:
Well, damn. LB I am really saddened to hear that. It's been six months for me and starting to see some of the upside. Don't know if that helps to hear. Hang in there. I hardly come by here these days, but do think fondly of you all.
: relurk
Oof. Here's hoping that the effect on your life is a good one.
I only have experience of this from the "my parents are divorcing" POV (age 14 or so), rather than having done it myself, but being done with it was better than living with the previous situation.
This is sad news. None of the jokes I want to make feel appropriate at this time.
Very sorry to hear this, and hope you are doing OK.
If you feel a sudden urge to get very drunk tomorrow night ...
I'm so sorry to hear this, LB. Sending you good thoughts and my sympathies.
Sorry to hear this and hoping it turns out well in the end.
I don't know anyone who found divorce a pleasant experience, but I know a great many people who very much like who they came to be -- and what their lives came to look like -- post-divorce.
You're solid on the who, but I can definitely endorse the lives part of this.
My mother had a gradual-and-then-sudden divorce sprung on her a few months ago. (This was after a marriage of twenty-odd years, not to my father.) The first couple of months were very bad for her. Now she's moved to a new city and, continued disorientation aside, already in an obviously much better place than the last five years or so of marriage had left her.
In all the divorces I've seen, the experience seems to be that after a certain inflection point it gets suddenly markedly better. Tigre is right about the needlessness of shame, and having made a FPP here is a good thing.
Another mostly-lurker here--sympathies, LB. Yours is one of those rare pseuds whose comments I nearly always stop to read.
I'm sorry to hear about this, if only for CHANGEBAD reasons. From what I'm told by people who have had divorces they are (apparently) the greatest things ever and totally worth marrying someone just to have them, though, so at least there's that.
I hope you can get through the whole thing with the absolutely minimum of lifestyle disruption though.
At work, we have a department just for estates, and one just for divorces. I don't know how folx can stand to work there, it would be way too sad for me. Obviously, the estates moreso than the divorces, but the divorce calls can be tough too. I hope for lots of positive experiences for everyone in the future. Love & solidarity to all of you.
I'm sorry, LB. Strength to you and the kids.
Aw shit, LB. I imagine your main concern is the kids right now and I bet they'll be ok. When things feel like they just went "poof" you can see two totally solid things you guys made.
Thinking of you, LB. Hang in. I've been mostly absent or lurking for a while now, but have valued your voice here a lot for a decade or so now and wish you all the best as you find your way through this.
When things feel like they just went "poof" you can see two totally solid things you guys made.
Well, mostly solid. Parts of them are liquid.
This is sad news. None of the jokes I want to make feel appropriate at this time.
Sad news indeed.
I'm also sorry to hear this. And especially sorry if it feels less than mutual. The important thing to remember is it's his loss. You are fabulous and will be fabulous with or without him.
I also agree with RT's comment about the shame being one of the psychologically harder parts. For me I felt like everyone was judging me, but it turned out to be almost completely my own superego. Also, kids are pretty resilient, and most kids would rather have divorced parents than parents in an unhappy relationship.
If nothing else makes you feel better, you're in good company with the commentariat, it seems like almost everyone here has a divorce or divorce-like break-up.
50.last And some of us have two!
Very sorry, LB. Please take care of yourself.
I'm really sorry, LB. Echoing 39: the bit just after the rug has been pulled out from under you is by far the worst of it, in my experience. Be good to yourself while you get through the next few months. (Also reaffirming 6.last, eventually.)
Nothing much to add, but I'm really sorry to hear that. Hoping that it's for the best in the medium and long terms, however unpleasant it may be now.
Oh, this cold world. I'm sorry to hear it, as well.
Delurking to say: I'm sorry to hear that.
Divorce can be horrible, and it can be a relief, and it can go back and forth between the two.
I wish you strength.
Sorry to hear that. I hope the rest of it goes as easily as possible.
I have just been rather struck by the realisation that this is the first time that someone I know has announced they're getting divorced. I know a few divorced people but the divorces all happened before I knew them. And while many of my coevals from school and university have got married, none of them have yet got divorced. Statistically that's pretty odd.
Is it possible that just knowing you're it there in the dating pool gives women a new desire to settle for what they have.
Sympathies LB. My only experience with divorce is from watching my parents go through one. They were ultimately both much happier people as a result.
Wishing you and the family all the best, LB. Divorces suck but they do get better!
I'm really sorry to hear this, LB.
Sympathies, LB. I agree with Tigre in 18 - the perceived shame was the hardest part for me (not that getting divorced while in seminary helped with that), mostly needlessly. I found the actual process of getting divorced was hard (I did not want to divorce and did not chose it), but it has been a good thing in the end. Took a few years before I could say that honestly, with no bitterness.
Take care of yourself.
I am not in 50.3 but this news is :( and surprising.
I'm sorry to hear it, LB. Take care.
Very sorry, LB. Everything everybody is saying is true: It gets better; a sense of failure is inappropriate, but also not uncommon; you should take care of yourself.
And yeah, speaking for myself, with some time and perspective, I saw that my divorce was necessary and appropriate, and it led to better things for both of us.
Alicia and Peter, Sharon and Ozzy, and now LB and Buck? Who's next? Marge and Homer?
I don't understand or believe in marriage (spoken as someone married, divorced and now married), but other people's marriages can seem like something different -- almost like they are part of the arrangement of the universe.
Anyway, in retrospect, I enjoyed my divorce. That's not exactly right -- but I do look back on that time with nostalgia -- as a time when the highs were higher and the lows were lower, when I was more alive and more open to new experiences.
In any case, please accept my sympathy, and I know you'll do great.
I'm sorry to hear this, LB, and I wish you the best.
Since I haven't been divorced (although the divorce-euphoria folks are describing does sound rewarding) I can't really speak to the divorce-shame thing in particular, butl you are obviously a great person with principles and talent and I hope that you don't spend a lot of time feeling bad about yourself in this situation.
Sympathies, LB. My only concrete advice is to get some exercise. It's good for your psyche and helps burn off some of the nervous energy that goes with these sorts of disruptive changes.
In the long run things have worked out pretty well for me, and I don't doubt they will for you as well.
Shit, LB, that really sucks. Even when you know that it's for the best and that better days are ahead, it's still a shitty thing to go through.
Like the kitten says, hang in there.
I'm really sorry, LB.
You're such a great person. We've never met, but I'm realising I still care about you. I'll think you'll do great in the end. Take care.
We've never met, but I'm realising I still care about you.
This sounds like a complicated break-up.
Alicia and Peter,
Hey, I hadn't gotten there yet.
I'm sorry :( I hope you can find the time and effort to take care of yourself as you need. Good luck - you've got great support here.
Hey, thanks everyone. All the support really feels good right now.
:(. I have no particular experience/wisdom to offer, so I'll offer twenty words or so of support.
78: Sorry, heebie! Actually, I could be wrong about that.
Sharon and Ozzy
So now Ozzy's available. Heads up LB.
Shit, sorry to hear that, and I can only imagine how odd it must feel to be talking about it online. There're obviously lots of us here who are interested because we care about you, but I hope you won't feel obliged to air any more of the process than you find helpful, just because you announced the decision.
Take care of yourself, anyway, and I hope you come out of it with a functioning relationship with Buck. Unless he's turned out to be an asshole, in which case I hope for a clean break (as much as possible with the kids).
82: I haven't actually watched an episode since Ace was born.
84.1 is a good point. But when the time comes that you really need to hear a lot of jokes about Buck's cock, we'll be here for you.
I am so sorry, my friend. That is sad news.
Lb, of the children are all right, you'll be all right. There isn't a good way through this shit but there are worse ways. You are a really worthwhile decent principled person - either that or you are such a convincing fake that you make your money dying of cancer in the different places online simultaneously - and you'll find the world is full of people who appreciate this. It does get better.
You rule, LB. It shines through everything you write. Good wishes to you and your kids.
you are such a convincing fake that you make your money dying of cancer in the different places online simultaneously
It's a fair cop.
For what it's worth, LB, as a long-time lurker I'm very sorry to hear this.
58: I could have said the same until my one friend fucked up with the heroin in 2011. Since then I've been seeing more and more of course as relationships age.
Is it possible that just knowing you're it there in the dating pool gives women a new desire to settle for what they have.
It is equally possible that knowing I'm out there in the dating pool gives men a new desire to settle for what they have, because they realise they'd never be able to compete in the open market.
58: Unless I'm forgetting someone, no one in our immediate circle (that is, people we've had for dinner) has gotten divorced while we've known them. OTOH, my sister did get divorced, but honestly, if she weren't my sister I don't think she and ex-SIL would be in our immediate circle anyway (geography aside). We get along like a house on fire, but very, very different social lives.
Cancer, however, is fucking everywhere. No funerals yet, but in at least one case it looks inevitable (I mean, they all are, but...).
Joining in with the sympathy. You're one of those people online with such a clear, strong and fundamentally good character and distinctive voice that I tend to think of them, a bit like celebrities, as invulnerable to the world. S,o obviously that's not true, but still my first thought is that there's no way the great LB will not come out of this stronger and better, in all her glory. In the meantime, lots of support and good thoughts.
Deep sympathy, LB. I'm confident you and yours will get through this.
100.2. Divorce: usually better than cancer.
OTOH, my mother was convinced that her cancer was caused by her deep and intractable bitterness, which she was convinced was caused by her divorce decades earlier.
OTTH, my mother was convinced of a lot of things that were untrue.
Also with the sympathy. No advice here, but others seem to have that covered.
Excellent thoughts by some many people above.
On of the best things I did with my son was that I would have the following exchange with him repeatedly:
Me: When you are with me, where is your mom?
Son: Ummm ,her house?
Me: No. Your heart. Where are you?
Son: ummm with you?
Me: No. In your heart.
Then I would do the same thing about where I was when he was with his mom. [I left out the having crazy wild fun like the newly single person i was! jk]
In addition to the feeling like I was a failure, the other hardest thing was the sudden quiet and loneliness. A house with no kids half of the time was crushing for me at first. For me, i needed to go to places where other people were, even if it was a bookstore or a mall. Exercising like a fiend helped too.
Good luck. Lots of love to you!
OTTH
I think this is the key to understanding urple's universe (timeline?).
A house with no kids half of the time
Whoa, that sounds like heaven! But really it was very helpful to me how many people here were able to share experiences from their own childhoods or their children's to show how well children can adapt. It's part of the reason I felt able to pull the trigger when I was trying to talk myself into sticking it out for a few more years. I definitely believe now that my children are going to do/feel/be better long-term than if they had lived with double parental hostility and unhappiness. I hope and believe yours will too, LB.
110:
Thorn: After a few months, having have the time off is AWESOME!!!! Basically, Louis CK is dead on the money in the link posted above.
Once you get used to it, divorce is the best thing ever.
Lots of pain and shame and disappointment until you get to that point though.
We should totally plan a meet up in a few months fro LB. Only divorced or separated people can come.
Just adding my sympathies and hopes that it all goes forward smoothly.
111: I don't have time off anymore, which is a good thing in the scheme of things but I'm finding it utterly exhausting.
Only divorced or separated people can come.
It'll break AB's heart, but anything for a good meetup. I missed the DecadeDC thing, I won't miss this.
Only divorced or separated people can come.
Married people just fake orgasms so they can get some sleep already.
Just echoing what the other divorced people have said upthread, while it took me much longer than most because reasons, life is so much better post-divorce.
life is so much better post-divorce.
Cut it out, people, you're tempting me to throw in the towel.
I like the meetup idea. Give it 6 months, meet at Fresh Salt, and all the single commenters vie for LB's affections for the night.
I'll only go if I can be the reality TV show host and if the meetup has elaborate rules and fantasy dates, etc. "Chopper, LB has not given you a rose. I'm sorry, but you must leave Fresh Salt. Now, Will and Togolosh -- get ready to move on to the next round, which will involve ... paragliders.
Atlatl shooting contest, targets to be rival contestants.
Exercising like a fiend helped too.
Ooh. Right. I forgot about that. I lost 35 pounds, then added back about 10 pounds of muscle. My friends were appalled because I actually look pretty horrible at my proper weight, but I felt great.
I like the meetup idea. Give it 6 months, meet at Fresh Salt, and all the single commenters vie for LB's affections for the night.
I'll start looking for flights.
So sorry to here this, and from the people I know you learned about it in the worst way. Count on any trivial solidarity I can offer.
get ready to move on to the next round, which will involve ... paragliders.
Bollox. Ekranoplans or it ain't happening.
We're *this* far from turning into herpy.net.
Come on, guys, give her at least a day of believing that the dating world is actually pleasant before destroying all her dreams!
Yep. Heterosexuality is a rigged game. Sorry.
"Let's play global thermonuclear war."
Ekranoplan races. East River or North River?
Where do ekranoplans stand in the right of way hierarchy. Are they like seaplane, which give way to everything else?
128 Long Island Sound motherfuckers!
I'm sorry to hear this, LB. I agree with everyone here that ultimately you'll be better and happier for it, but getting there is hard, and I'm sorry. Very best wishes.
This tournament is going to have to have fighting a mob of six-year-olds in there somewhere.
Late to the thread, but sorry LB. Good luck.
As for witnessing divorce, not up close and personal, but I've seen it happen on Facebook and have some friends who got divorced before I knew them.
Honestly I was a bit shaken hearing this. How could anyone divorce a spouse as reasonable as LB? You're a catch and he's crazy to let you go.
Analogy ban be damned, a relationship is its own living thing and the end of one is something to grieve that's like a death in its own way (even if, like with some people's passing, it's the appropriate time or it wasn't all that pleasant while alive). So my condolences on your loss. I'm sure you'll come through it all happier and better, but it's still ok to grieve the loss of a thing you built and were part of.
These things are almost always hard. I hope it's as easy as it can plausibly be for you, and I wish you courage, luck, and wisdom figuring out who and what you want to be during and after.
Hopefully we can all try and be a bit more even-tempered, sensible, and kind to one another to make up for the fact that you'll probably be somewhat distracted over the next few months.
I imagine this will be painful, and I imagine you'll change through it. So I may as well say it now thank you for having been who you are. I've enjoyed the little glimpses of your life I've been able to see through the blog, and I feel like I share in some very small portion of sadness at seeing the old equilibrium disappear.
I expect you'll figure something out, and maybe the blog will even be privileged with some requests for help figuring that out or thinking it through. Either way, I'm genuinely looking forward to finding out in a year or two or three what kind of person you end up deciding to be on the other end of this, what your life ends up being like. I hope and expect it to be good.
Hopefully we can all try and be a bit more even-tempered, sensible, and kind to one another to make up for the fact that you'll probably be somewhat distracted over the next few months.
Let's not have crazy talk just because Buck's gone rogue.
Delurking to add my own sympathy and good wishes. It will get better.
134.1 and 122 get it exactly right.
I like the meetup idea. Give it 6 months, meet at Fresh Salt, and all the single commenters vie for LB's affections for the night.
I'm hoping to get to NYC sometime in September . . . *
* Though I'm not single so I might have to sit that one out.
It'll break AB's heart, but anything for a good meetup. I missed the DecadeDC thing, I won't miss this.
Married people can come as long as they bring a single friend for the tournament for LB's affections.
$10 raffle for the person who gets to control her Tinder account for the night.
Huh! Another surprise! Best wishes, L.B.
I wasn't proud of the way I handled the affair and break-up and that embarrassment still lingers but I'm glad I finally "let the chips fall where they may". That got me 15 years with the DE and twenty-something years later the X and I get along better now than we ever did before.
So. Good luck. Make sure you get custody of the coffee maker or other necessity for coping with mornings.
Fuck. This sucks. Divorce is supposed to be for shitheads like me and Tigre.
I'm a little surprised at how upset I am over the divorce announcement of one of you imaginary people. Love and strength to you and the kids. You'll do just great.
Good luck. I am going though this now.
somebody here recommended this book and it is good:
My kids have adjusted pretty well.
Thanks for that recommendation, lemmy and whoever gave it to you (and probably me when I was too distracted to remember.) I just bought a copy.
Well, poop. That doesn't seem fair. Good luck.
<joke>Is Unfogged going to be cited as a co-respondent?</joke>
We've had births, deaths, marriages, and divorces. Any major milestones we haven't covered? I'm afraid someone either needs to murder or be murdered next. The best outcome might be for gswift to do it and get away with it.
Someone could join the priesthood?
Any major milestones we haven't covered?
Has anyone liveblogged losing their virginity yet?
149: religious conversion, imprisonment, going to war?
152: Not liveblogged per se, but there have been extensive prefatory discussions.
Becoming a vampire? I understand it's a transformative experience.
Tigre has had at least two dissociative episodes while I've been watching.
Has anyone liveblogged losing their virginity yet?
It's called purchasing a TiVo.
No one's asking LB the obvious question, so I guess I'll have to: will the divorce lead to more commenting or less commenting?
(The same question also applies to the potential new job.)
Sorry to hear LB.
All roads lead to more commenting.
We've had mastectomies but no diabetic amputations that I know of. Anybody got a foot they're sick of?
Anyone commenting from Jail? Other than Carp.
is the new job in private practice?
Probably not, if it's just across the floor from her current gig.
My mother in law did but she's never commented as far as know. Unless she's one of the Opinionated Grandmas.
164: maybe the revolving door is in the lobby?
I liked having two feet.
How disconcerting! Take care, LB.
Oh my, color me very surprised. Best of luck, LB.
Delurking to give my sympathies. I am so sorry! I also am saddened by this news--I am sure you will weather this with your customary sang froid.
Anyone commenting from Jail
I might have commented from jail once when I was waiting around on a long line to get a guy through booking.
You are awesome, LB. After a rough patch, each of my parents was far happier after their divorce. And we kids were happier too.
It's actually a little surprising that we don't have someone commenting from a prison. I know internet access is scarce but still.
Delurking to say I'm so sorry - reading your posts and comments over the years I've been tempted to crash the meet-ups just to catch a glimpse of a sane fellow New Yorker. I hope you get custody of the annual gingerbread house building and any other family traditions close to your heart. Hang in there and hugs to you and your kids.
Show me a prison, show me a jail, show me a prisoner whose commenting on unfogged...
Also delurking to offer my sympathy as well as my best wishes in getting through the coming months.
Has anyone liveblogged losing their virginity yet?
Given how many mandatory reporters this site has, i don't know if it's for the better or the worse that it wasn't around for me to do so back in the day. I could have used a chorus of people telling me to run.
153: I may have commented while going away from war (Russian army? Ok, other direction, and fast) back in 2008.
(hugs) to you, LB. You are strong and we are with you.
Just wanted to offer my support and condolences fwiw. Adjusting takes time and is hard, but you eventually get there. And then life throws new things at you to adjust to, but by then you are so much better at adjusting.
For the pain and bewilderment, my heart goes out to you.
But can I also be in the Louis CK mode for a moment and say congratulations?
153, 178: don't remember if I commented here about being displaced from Lebanon during the war in 2006.
Jesus that was almost ten years ago.
I can think of someone else who could conceivably have commented from a jail in the course of their work, but SOOBC.
That sounds tough. Sending best wishes your way...
Delurking to express sympathy and hope for an improved future.
Well, shit. That seems like one of those mindfucks that you have to white-knuckle your way through.
I'm sorry for the grief and the stress of all this change, and I'm sorry for the inevitable heartbreak and general mindfuckery. I have to agree with everyone here that you'll handle it however you need to (including losing your shit, if that's what you need to do). And I think as far as your kids go--kids can handle anything. And this feels a little silver lining-y, but I also think it's true: your kids in particular are going to get to see a grown up show them how to deal with momentous change, and then go about deliberately building a new life for themselves. I think your kids are going to be more than ok.
I'm sorry you have to go through this, though. And I hope the upside doesn't take too long to make itself known. I bet everyone here will be quick to point it out if you need it. In the meantime, I've got an imaginary hug to offer you.
sorry about this. Everyone's different, but for my ex and me both at least, post-divorce is much, much better. If you can think of the next few months as a tunnel with light at the end or something, that's a realistic description for lots of people.
I hope the split logistics go smoothly and are cooperative for you-- that part I didn't like much.
At the risk of introducing a jocular note into a not so great time, I bet you could get crowdsourced drafts for your eventual dating profile here if you were inclined.
Saw the OP late but still wanted to express sympathy and send best wishes.
Not entirely sure how I missed this thread before, but you have my sympathy and best wishes.
I hate all you people who mentioned exercise as a good way to get through a breakup because two nights ago I did my physical therapy exercises and last night added some standard stretching and situps too. I feel much better than I have been, which I guess obligates me to stick with it.
Also just seeing this now. Sad for you, it must be weird in so many ways. I hope the new dispensation can be achieved as smoothly as possible.
so sorry LB, this sucks. I feel like you have level-headed kids who are at a decent age for this. xxx
I, too, am sorry and hope everything goes as well as can be expected.