Killing your kids might be a good start too.
But what's the lowest emission way to kill someone? Certainly not carbon monoxide poisoning. And you wouldn't want to use a new knife or rope that required pollution to create it. You wouldn't want to stab them with an icicle because of the drought. I guess you have to strangle them with your own hands, using a minimum of energy so as not to drive up your own food consumption.
According to the Nature Conservancy, we (my household) only needs to send them $825 dollars to offset our carbon footprint. That better than I figured.
I'm not going to send them the money of course. But I feel reassured that it means a carbon tax wouldn't really hurt us.
But what's the lowest emission way to kill someone? Certainly not carbon monoxide poisoning.
Too soon?
Doesn't the eclectic mag already have an agent in place to start killing Qataris?
Just put a bag over their head, but not a plastic bag. Contains the CO2 and reuses it for the desired purpose. And you have to convert the body into one of those tree pod burial things.
6 I should probably avoid this thread entirely, on the other hand the the thought of taking contracts is enticing. Too bad that bitcoin thing didn't pan out.
But what's the lowest emission way to kill someone?
Locally grown, organic poisons, I should think. In Qatar, one would use a free-range horned viper. Or you could pick up a saw-scaled viper en route through Oman for added potency.
Couldn't you just contract an STD and then go work ax a prostitute in a Canadian tar sands town? Harder to prove murder, more effective at disabling the wheels of carbon, more sex, probably some nice hikes in the woods when you're done with your disease-spreading sex, less likely to die in Qatar.
The oil pumped from the desert country's rich sands isn't counted against the country's consumption...
Qatar has oil but isn't a major producer (about half a million barrels per day I think, against almost a global 100 million barrels daily) and will run out at that rate in about decade but it's one of the largest producers of LNG and will remain so for well over 100 years at current rates.
... but energy usage is sky-high in this Middle Eastern country. Citizens are provided with free electricity and free water,
Citizens =! residents. Population is about 2.5 million with about 300,000 of them citizens. (And that citizens get free electric and free water is news to me, I think, I'm not surprised. It's also probably one of the things they're talking about changing soon).
11 sounds suicidal, assuming the disease of choice is drug resistant, as it would have to be. Does that count?
6: I admit I thought Paul was elsewhere!
I guess you have to strangle them with your own hands
It might be less energy to wait until they're asleep and suffocate them One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest style (or by sitting on them with a pillow intervening, which might be less wearisome still). Invest in some reusable cuffs or other restraints to minimize thrashing about.
Does that count?
Why not? Offing yourself eliminates your future carbon consumption, too.
11: Way to go after the replaceable workers at the Heart Machine rather than the system.
Doesn't the eclectic mag already have an agent in place to start killing Qataris?
Unfogged could use its lethal powers for good. Like in The Assassination Bureau. Whichever unfoggetarian most resembles Oliver Reed can be in charge.
We have lethal powers? When did that happen? I thought we just had litigious, sub-editing, water management and knitting powers.
14.1 surprises me since, VSOOBC, didn't I DM you the program for the local philharmonic a few months back?
13 Suicide might be a solution since as an American here I probably use a lot more energy than even your average citizen (though I don't have a car). I do after all keep my AC at full blast (now sadly only down to 66 degrees at the lowest, before it got repaired I'd get it to 63).
Lure a planeload of Qataris to Iceland and invite them to soak in geothermal pools after you've gotten them smashed on sustainably produced vodka. Everyone dies from heat exhaustion, and the carbon offset is orders of magnitude greater than the footprint of the fuel used for the one-way flight.
probably some nice hikes in the woods
The forest up there is mostly taiga, I think, as in mosquito-infested swamp cluttered with stunted spruce. You could depopulate the tar sands area by introducing malaria, maybe, but you'd also be wiping out most of the population of Canada and Alaska as well.
14.1 surprises me since, VSOOBC, didn't I DM you the program for the local philharmonic a few months back?
Yesssss you did but I guess I failed to retain the actual location! That is an excellent point, though.
CO and CO2 poisoning is sequestration. Keep that in mind when you hear neoliberals push for markets in carbon offsets.
You wouldn't want to stab them with an icicle because of the drought.
This brings to mind another possibility: dehydration. Just lock the victim up in a padded cell.
I don't think you really have to pad the cell if you're killing them anyway, although that might lead to a different death. I guess it's sort of a personal preference.
I was thinking more of sound insulation than the murderee's comfort.
Ironically, our man in Qatar would.be obliged to off himself irst, in light of all his long-distance spice orgy trips.
If I say that IME padded cells don't muffle sound better than actual soundproofing, I'm afraid that may raise more questions than it answers. But it's true!
Obviously it is a waste to just murder somebody and waste the meat. I'll email Gwen and see if she can add a section to Goop's "Guide to Situational Cannibalism."
26 is a very good point, I'll add it to 19.2 for reasons to off myself for the greater good.
28: Water muffles sound great. Drowning in saltwater is the clear winner. And you can pickle them after for Moby.
30: Or just move to Sietch Tabor and pickle Harkonnens from there. No need for drastic measures.
The article missed Spike Island, which is second in the world in carbon output per capita - after Qatar - but had frickin' Belgium and Ireland on the list. No respect.
I saw another list that had Gibraltar on top, by a lot. Not sure what that's about.
I saw another list that had Gibraltar on top, by a lot. Not sure what that's about.
Oil refinery + low population.
33: I think it's forgivable for your weird novelty micronation to have been overlooked.
Dude, there are 1.3 million people here. That's as many people as New Hampshire!
Spike Island? Qatar? The standards for pseudonyms for places have really fallen.
Be the change. We're all ears.
Admittedly Spike passed up some nice ones. Dragonmouth Island. The Pitch. Port of Perdition. The Landfill. Someone more depraved than I surely can come up with something G&T related.
I liked Calypsonia, but that makes is sound more romantic than it is.
Maybe South New Hampshire? Except I already have a place in south New Hampshire.
Steelpinnitus? Steelpania? Steelpanem? How dystopian are we talking?
Everyone would think that's Houston.
Though I guess that's kind of the point.
If there is confusion, I can refer to the city by its initials: POS.
Spike, beleaguered checkout clerk.
New Courland. Or maybe that was T/obago. Anyhow it's lame to be a colony but lamer still to be a colony of a subregion of Latvia.
Says the man from a colony of a colony that was conquered by yet another colony.
Yeah, T/obago gets all the Courland glory. And being colonized by a subregion of Latvia is actually pretty cool, except what is cooler is that after the Latvians left the place was run by pirates for 20 years. There is actually a place called "Bloody Bay," because pirates.
The real reason Tigre wants to run the place down.
And my soul shrivels yet again at finding such injustice of place-name awesomeness versus country shittiness.
12 - the question of whether they measured it per resident or per citizen occurred to me instantly. Would be insane to measure per citizen but who knows.
Holy shit but my US NY based credit union cancelled my only US based credit and debit cards because they went to chip and pin while I was over here and then canceled the new ones they issued to me at my folks address because I hadn't activated them because I'm over here and not there. I absolutely need a US based credit card for certain purposes among which are dealing with federal taxes and tax prep.
So annoying and even more so by having to deal with this shit in order to deal with unpleasant tax shit. I'm so annoyed that I'm willing to entertain bids on the Mineshaft for offing a native or two. Costs extra if he's driving a Maserati.