I have a question I was going to ask. Unless I already asked it, in which case I'm repeating myself.
Anyway, a few years ago (I'm nothing if not prompt) I was walking back to what was then my office and a guy asked me for change for the parking meter. The meters take only quarters and credit cards. I had four quarters so I offered them to me. He gave me a silver dollar that looked very worn, like he'd carried it in his pocket for years. I asked him how long he'd carried that coin and he said something about how he's carried it since he was a kid. I said that I couldn't take it from him and gave him the quarters.
I still wonder if I was scammed or not. It seems like an awfully pointless con if I was but then if the coin was really such a token for him, why did he give it to me to avoid a chance at a ticket that would only have been $30.
I was at a garage sale a few years ago, and I idly picked up some stuffed animal that looked out of place, because it was a bachelor moving out (next door) and there was no other kid stuff. He was like, "Take it! I've had it since I was a kid, I don't know why I still have it. I don't have anything else from my childhood. It's yours."
I was horrified and set it down and walked casually/as fast as possible out of there.
Where do you draw the line if your neighbor's are committing animal abuse? Specifically, how much is too long to leave a dog tied up in the backyard, in an ongoing manner?
Secondarily, if one is reporting their (impoverished) neighbors for animal abuse, how do you ensure anonymity? They do not have neighbors on the other side of them.
Atossa hasn't slept through the night for the past three nights. She's 15 months old. I don't want to call this regression because she hasn't been quite this bad for probably a year. At first I thought it was a cold because there was a hoarse, almost barking cough, minor fever, and runny nose, and she was really tired during the day, but wasn't acting particularly like her mouth hurt. Not until yesterday afternoon, that is. Who knows, maybe it's both.
Which would you recommend, gin or vodka?
An ATATM is presumably a cash machine on four giant mechanical legs.
So, easily solvable problem, how do you take down an ATATM in the absence of A-wings?
How many misused apostrophes does it take for a citation?
4.1: Depends on the temperature and availability of water and shade.
4.2: You can't. They'll know it's you, especially if you look middle class and/or liberal.
5: Gin. Vodka is for alcoholics who need to drink at work without having something noticeable on their breath.
"Colourless, odourless, proof that God loves pilots. Or at least the Russians do."
https://twitter.com/dril/status/384408932061417472
OK, maybe this fits the bill: I seem every week or two to share a morning bus with someone I went on a date with a few months ago. It was fine but anemic and we never called each other after. The first couple of times on the bus I made a pleasant but short greeting, and she reciprocated. Does it make sense to trail off acknowledgments altogether over time? I think we'd both prefer it but I can't be sure. This is apart from the times I can plausibly not notice her.
1 sounds like a scam to me. I appreciate it anyway, at least in an intellectual sense. Beggars are just purely sad, IMO. Sometimes I give them something, but not as often as I feel I should. But it's more annoying and less sympathetic when they're telling me blatant, easy lies. Claiming that you're hungry is implausible when the store you're standing around outside of is a liquor store. I don't judge people for that stuff specifically, if my life was shitty enough that I had to beg then I'd probably drink to forget too, I'm just saying, that makes it easier for me to ignore them.
Small-time grifters, on the other hand, need to have a little ingenuity, and there's a certain appeal to it from certain books or movies. I'd rather wonder if I've been conned out of a couple bucks than be lied to and feel guilty about not doing them a favor anyway.
One time I was leaving the dry cleaner's with my messenger bag over one shoulder and my clean pants and shirts over the other arm and maybe even some groceries or something too, after a long day at work, and this guy asked for change. I did some very quick mental calculations and decided that he wasn't asking for money, just an easy favor, and I did in fact have the change, so sure, I could do it. I had to juggle the stuff I was carrying and there was something or other weird about how he offered me his bill (I don't remember, it's been years). By the time I got home I figured he had probably got an extra $5 out of me. I was annoyed but also a tiny bit impressed. How serendipitous, asking for change in front of a place that everyone leaves with their hands full.
12: Yeah, let it trail off. I'm surprised it lasted as long as it did.
12: no, you can't trail off acknowledgments, and you don't want to, because at some point there will be a forced interaction - you are at the same table at a banquet, you have a mutual friend, you're waiting for the bus together - and you don't want that occasion to be super awkward. The amount of interaction you need is: half the time, keep your eyes down at whatever you're reading and ignore her, you're immersed. The other half the time, you happen to be looking up and around. You give a brief smile and make eye contact. That's all.
Or it could trail off.
If it were me, trailing off would make me overthink the situation more than just a quick smile would. Do whatever makes you think least about the situation.
Claiming that you're hungry is implausible when the store you're standing around outside of is a liquor store.
Not really. It's plausible you spent all your money on liquor and now are hungry. When I drink, I always get hungry.
"I'm drunk and now I really need some fries" is a pretty common state for me.
I don't get the need to "trail off". Just nod or something when you see her.
I mean, if you wave and in response she mutters "slut", then you should probably stop waving. But if she just waves back, what's the problem?
Somehow it feels like a smile-and-nod would be a more stable equilibrium than "Oh, hello, [name]" as in the past. Thanks.
Ooh, this is perfect for me. I'm traveling today so can't check back often, but advice would be great. Might be worth arguing, even. My mother's health is failing more rapidly. My father could no longer keep her safely home, so she has been in a memory care facility for nearly a year. She is 67 and has been ill since she was 57. Average survival for someone with Alzeimer's is 8-12 years. She has begun to fall and just broke her hip. She will likely walk again, but is in very bad shape. She hasn't been communicative for at least six months and maybe recognizes my father on sight, but mostly does not.
We have not told the boyfriend's mother (I'm going to give him the transparent pseud AJ because it is short). She is very nice but can be instrusive and definitely likes to "spread the word" about "family news." (Read: gossipy, but with good intentions.) I know if we told her that every conversation would include an inquiry about my mother's health. AJ's sister and some of his adult stepsiblings know, and I am generally pretty open about it, so there's some risk that someone will alip and tell her.
The plan had been to tell her when my mother was sick enough that her impairment was obvious, but that point has come and gone, and I kept putting it off, because this will be unpleasant, I think. AJ's mayernal grandmother has slightly less advanced Alz, and I don't think I can take any "advice" on the topic.
It's not just me who finds her difficult on the topic of illnesses. AJ's aunt recent died (cancer), and they kept many details of her condition private because AJ's mom kept asking how things were going and requesting updates, to the point of killing all semblance of normalcy. She was devastated at being shut out (wasn't told promptly, wasn't told how serious, etc. etc.) Hell, if AJ has a cold, she calls to check in.
So, do I just wait until Mom dies and say it was sudden (I don't like lying, but this would mitigate hurt feelings over keeping Mom's condition private, bad if a sib or stepsib blows it). Tell her when Mom dies that she had Alz but was very private and wouldn't have liked me to tell? (Bad if a sib or stepsib blows this.) Tell her now and just deal politely with the prying and "emotional support" she thinks she is providing? Not sure how to handle that I didn't tell her earlier.
A blog I read is tending towards open threads and I'm not sure what to do.
AJ needs to run interference. He needs to tell her, but make a big fanfare about you're finding the whole thing upsetting and do not want any inquiries or conversations. If it doesn't bother you, AJ should just throw you under the bus and make you seem super fragile. If she wants updates, she can ask AJ in a separate conversation on the phone or when you're not around.
Presumably, she won't quite be able to behave, but it will minimize her awfulness on this kind of affair.
Confidential to my grandmother: I told you we weren't the least communicative family ever.
Sit tight, ydnew. Leave her in the dark as long as possible.
23: Let her know, and just deal impolitely with the prying and "emotional support."
Try this: "Thanks for your concern, but as I'm sure you know, this is hard for my father and siblings to deal with. We think it will help to avoid unnecessary reminders and keep it between ourselves as much as possible." Then, when she ignores you and pries anyway, repeat yourself word for word.
26: After she graduated from vet school, my sister moved back to Missoula, where both our parents (each with a stepparent) live. She had been there for several months when I went home for Christmas. "Where's J's house?" I small talked at the dinner table. NOBODY KNEW. She moved back to our home town and refused to tell our parents her address for MONTHS. (Later she moved away again. I don't know her address now, but I think my parents do.)
People who won't stop being over-empathetic and caring and talking about illness all the time are the worst. I usually opt for bland non-answers and then ostentatiously change the subject. "Oh, good days and bad days. Say, do you like race cars?"
My sister is very clear about where her boundaries are and she is not afraid to enforce them.
If the occasional Korean airliner has to be shot down, so be it.
28 maximizes badassery but also long term consequences.
I could use a swimming thread. I can't do my usual exercises where I'm living now but membership at the community facilities is super cheap so I started going 3 times a week. I need to know how much to do- intervals, strokes, etc. With no guidance I just tried swimming the first day and felt like crap, so since then I do 25m every minute (25m is typically 30-40 sec depending on stroke so 25m with 20-30 sec rest), 3 rounds of 50 front 50 back 50 breast 50 side with an extra minute between each round. So 600m in about 30min. Is that way too little or too slow to get decent exercise?
Between this and trying a low carb diet, I am the very model of a modern unfogged commenter.
If you haven't done it in a long time, it does not take much swimming to really strain you. That sounds like a reasonable place to start.
Related to 2 above: we have an oil on canvas portrait of my wife's brother in the basement. I don't call jhim brother-in-law because he died before I met my wife, and in fact before my wife was born, when he was was six. The portrait of a boy on a pony was in the family living room through her childhood. Of course we can't hang it up, we can't sell it, and we can't throw it out. It's rolled up in the basement. The sisters, who were 7 and 8 at the time, don't want it.
As art it is mediocre-- the colors aren't quite right and the details are blurry, as if the artist was working from a black and white snapshot. I expect that some day our son will be run a garage/estate sale, and it will go for the value of aged canvas. Or maybe the story still means something to him and it will stay in a basement for another generation.
aside: he drowned, in a shallow lake, with adult supervision present but sometimes chatting with each other. Older sisters and several cousins in the water at the time. Use floaties, young parents!
37.last was not the swimming thread I had in mind.
Yes, it's been a while since I intentionally swam distances instead of just fooling around in the water with kids- probably about 18 years.
I feel grumpy and crummy but probably not in ways the Mineshaft will help with much. I got a good signal that custody stuff will work out in my favor, which I've always mostly trusted is what would happen but I've never known the pace or timing. We'll see, as usual. And my MRI is tomorrow, so maybe we could figure out how to make me mobile without huge pain but not in some way that puts me on bedrest and ruins my life.
This isn't all that ATMy either but I was realizing yesterday what an emotional toll being physically present for kids takes on me, that I am constantly being grabbed or poked or prodded or else I'm scooping someone up or putting my arm around someone to move her along. And this is my only casual human contact and it's almost all one-way, which I guess is hard for me. It's not as if Lee cared about me or was particularly affectionate, but just having another adult asleep in bed was soothing in a way that being isolated and alone just isn't. But I don't think either getting into dating or finding casual sex outlets would actually make me feel like anyone's pouring anything into me in a way that would help, which I realize is super selfish anyway and not a job I'd ask anyone to take on. It would just be nice to have someone who sits around and watches Netflix sometimes or I don't even know. But I don't, so life goes on.
Also anyone have any experience with 504 education plans or words of warning they want to share? I'm officially starting the raising-hell process with the school.
I know some stuff about 504/IEPs. But I don't know that I have anything general to say other than document everything and be aware that many teachers and administrators resent the whole thing and they sometimes become actively obstructive; don't take their word for anything as final.
Do you have specific questions/areas of concern?
Sending imaginary Platonic physical contact your way, Thorn!
I think I'll be fine, but after being called in to observe the class just now because of my disruptive child and realizing the classmates fussing about how gross and sad it is that she's adopted and thank god they aren't because eww weird are different from the one who last week told her she doesn't have a real family because families match racially, well, a new classroom is sounding like an awfully reasonable accommodation along with more need-specific stuff.
Unrelated to 41 I guess, Mossy, I emailed you last week at the account you used for Deluge stuff. Nothing too exciting, alas.
Ack, that's horrible. Why isn't the teacher shutting that shit down stat?!
Yeah gross. Let me know if anything else comes up. Or if you want me to do research about a topic or a law or something.
The teacher didn't hear today's comments (and neither did my child) but I've already emailed the principal and the teacher isn't hearing things because the class is out of control, which is not great at all for kids like mine (or, probably, most of the rest of them) who are stressed out by chaos and need peace to get their work done. The other teacher was apparently aware of last week's comment and that's a kid who has some learning disabilities maybe and his racism there and in a few other instances may be related to being a concrete thinker or something like that, but it needs to be not our problem.
37, sweet Christ in Heaven. This could be the most depressing thread ever if we really try.
You should be aware that the teacher probably isn't thrilled to have LD kids in the main class. It is the current educational fashion in many places to mandate this, which among its other charms is cheaper.
42: "You know who else was adopted? Romulus and Remus. Moses. JON FUCKING SNOW. Now, at this point you're probably asking yourself 'does Nia have a wolf and/or a massive sword somewhere we haven't met yet or is she just going straight for the plague of blood' and, you know, I'm not too sure myself, but you have to ask yourself: do I feel lucky?"
I dislike my son's MIL. This is a problem only because my son and his wife want to bring the 2 sets of inlaws together, often: i.e., at least annually. This year (as well as a few others since the 2 got together less than 10 years ago), it has been more than once. I probably made a mistake when I recently told my son that I thought this not only unnecessary but undesirable, esp. since he passed this on to my DIL without much editing. We had had a good relationship, but she is now hurt, being so close to her mother, and he is upset with me as well.
Advice? Is there any way to retrieve these relationships (w/o spending much time with the woman in question), or should I forget about this and consider starting all over again, with a new family, new children, etc.? (My wife agrees with me about the other MIL, not so much about my response).
48: I don't know nor do I have any right or need to know what's going on with this kid, am just guessing based on what I saw and what my daughter has said. I don't think the teacher is thrilled to have my kid in the main class. There's a separate class for students with significant needs, mostly autism, and everyone else is mainstreamed with pullouts. And yeah, we're in a high-poverty district. I can get a 504 plan based on the diagnosis my daughter carries already but the school then doesn't get any money to implement it, whereas for an IEP I'd have to get a more thorough evaluation done (and probably will) but then if she qualified they'd have access to some federal funds to implement it. I know from my time on school council that because of the poverty and turnover rate and lack of parent/guardian involvement, there are a lot of kids who need IEPs and don't have them and aren't getting any official accommodations at all. But for the first time, I'm explicitly cashing in some of my goodwill and asking for special treatment in addition to meeting the legal requirements, and I suspect I'll be plenty successful.
39.2 That's not super selfish at all Thorn. It's a normal human need. God knows I did without it for far too long and still don't get enough due to long distance relationship. I hope you get yourself some of that.
I'm applying for grad schools two and a half years out from undergrad. I've got two very solid recs from Large Prestiguous Academic Medical Center and need a third, preferably from undergrad.
All of my research experience from undergrad went plum horribly, which I blamed myself for for a very long time, but things at LPAMC went very very well. So research people at bad undergrad place are probably out, which means I need a generic "Yes, Trivers came to my class, showed above average interest, and earned an A" letter. Recs from LPAMC said this should be fine as both told me they would write stellar recs and, if needed, go out of their way to go to bat for me before the admissions committee.
So the problem then is that after 2.5 years of students, the "yes he took my class and was a good student" people may not directly remember me. Does this mean I should simply not ask them for letters; if not, what is the best way to go about gently reminding them who I am?
51: Is there a class where you want her to end up?
This is why you should do things like have sex on your professor's desk, it makes you memorable.
14 and 18 seem right for Minivet (An alternative would be to go up to her and say "Hi, what do you say we get off this bus and go fuck ourselves senseless", but that would just be kicking it down the road in case she said yes.)
25 seems right for yndew. Trivers should ask for a bland reference and attach a passport photo, although it's hard to imagine anybody forgetting them.
54: Not sure. I'm asking her teacher from last year for advice on that, since that was a good fit.
53: Nobody remembers undergraduates, including whoever is reviewing applications at the graduate school to which you are applying. If you can find somebody who does remember you, that's great. If not, I wouldn't worry about it and go with what you have from the past 2.5 years.
34: Heh, yeah, I considered that it could backfire. But (a) 23 mentioned that they've already done something like it with someone even closer to AJ's mother than this, so maybe they should start trying desperate measures, and (b) I thought it would go without saying that she'd brief AJ on this plan. If AJ says it's sure to make things worse, than never mind.
Has anyone seen a source for the all-too-2016 quote "Optimism is easy to monetize, but pessimism is easy to weaponize"? Google yields nothing. It's a little too catchy to be interesting but I'd sort of like to know whether there exists a more cynical thought lurking behind it.
42: Holy shit, a new classroom right away ought to have been the first reaction of any decent school administrator.
62: This only happened a couple of hours ago and I emailed the principal right after, but the principal was in the lunch room as I left and won't be at a desk for a while, probably. The excellent principal is new to their school but considering I was one of the people on the hiring team for the first principal job at the school for younger kids, I'm not super worried. We have a great rapport and this is someone I trust and someone who's trusted me to do a good job with things for years.
ydnew, I would definitely not tell your MIL, and if she does find out be blunt about how the obnoxious behavior that led to her not learning about AJ's aunt's cancer (was this her own sister?) has also prevented you from talking to her about other family illnesses.
On a normal human need: I don't know if I told the story of the water pipe here. A month or so after my last big breakup, so around late December 2003, I had just moved into a co-op room and was wandering around unpacking and arranging my things. Every time I passed this big vertical water pipe that ran from floor to ceiling beside the window, I would stop and lean on it. The stop-and-leans became more frequent and longer. Finally I realized that the pipe was radiating about as much heat as another human body, and so I kept turning to it unconsciously for emotional support. (Conscious awareness made it a good deal less useful.)
64.5 is kind of sweet. I wonder if some of this is triggered from having spent the last seven (!) weeks sleeping with body pillows to elevate my ankle and an ice pack around it, so sort of the opposite effect.
I wonder if all these women dating vampires aren't going to have gaps in emotional support because of the lack of physical warmth.
My ATM for the academics among you - how closely do you expect to work with people? Specifically as a post-doc with another post-doc, common project. I'm trying to figure out if I'm unreasonable in my expectations when I ask my colleague to do something for me vs. his expectation that I'll learn Python over the weekend. His actual words was he was too busy to help because of a(n informal) presentation Wednesday so I'd have to do all the work-up steps. That took me most of the weekend whereas it would have taken him ~1 hour.
Which leads to the real question, how do I get a real job in a country where I don't live but do hold citizenship? Should I be using my parents' address on my cover letter? How do you go from a CV to a resume?
Ugh.
I may be wrong, but can you just put "Citizenship: Dual U.S./Antarctica" or whatever on your resume? I've even seen resumes (or CVs) that list a spouse's name, I imagine as full disclosure when looking for dual hires, but maybe also to throw cold water on the overpowering lust the hiring committee might feel for the applicant.
What you really need is a list of spouses with years of marriage, responsibilities, duties performed, awards, and reasons for leaving.
Relevant to our interests: It turns out losing online friends feels as bad as the death of 'real life' ones. It's written about SEK, but his friend used a pseud for him.
(The general update is that SEK is off the ventilator and stable-ish but they still don't know everything that's wrong with him.)
I got to the end of that and was like, "Who's Kurt?"
I'm glad he's responsive.
64.2: I used to wish that I had a hug/squeeze machine like the one Temple Grandin made for herself. Looks like the device is now commercially available from a company she collaborated with.
Update:
One of them remembered me and responded within a couple hours, so it looks like I'm good to go. It was a good idea to contact someone who had written a letter for me in the past and whose class I took toward the end of undergrad when I had gotten my shit somewhat more together.
Yay!
71 is alarming. I really hope SEK pulls through.
I think the blogger who died in 2007 referenced in that article is probably Steve Gilliard (RIP). I was a frequent commenter on the News Blog.
Thanks, guys. AJ thinks it would be best to do exactly as heebie suggests in 25: tell her, leave me out of it, and rigidly enforce conversational limits. She will tell each and every family member she encounters, I am pretty sure, but I guess that's OK and I can probably deal with all the sadface conversations at the next holiday that start "MIL told us about your mother. We're SO sorry." Or expressions that say the same. She will not even a little bit respect wishes of privacy, even framed as what my mother would have wanted.
He thinks the fallout of not telling her would be worse than the nuisance of dealing with all her issues around sick family members.
My response to normal friends who ask is to tell the truth in a pretty straightforward way and thank them for asking. For her, I expect my response will be completely rude, like E. Messily and Cyrus suggest. AJ has long since given his blessing on that, too. Just say she's dying (or that her medical information is personal and private and that I'd hoped her wishes would be respected) with as much bitchface as I can muster and change topics to something more cheerful, like a grandkid's latest antics.
So, is there a good way for AJ to field questions about how long she has been sick/why we didn't tell sooner/her current condition? We haven't been lying, just chosing our words carefully up to now. MIL actually met my mother a few years into the disease and didn't notice her impairment, FWIW. Just stick to my fragility and Mom's wishes?
For lk and Mossy, your advice is WAY more what I would/have chosen based on gut, but I usually defer to AJ in matters of his family. The sick aunt was her SIL, not sister, but had been in the family for almost 50 years and had no family of her own for almost all that time, so very, very close. AJ's mom was devastated. I understood completely, given that with every update, she'd immediately call us to pass on the "news" and couldn't visit without asking for a complete medical rundown.
50: You need to apologize to your son first, then maybe ask how to smooth it over with his wife. I think something like, "Although she isn't my cup of tea, I understand how important these family gatherings are to you, and I apologize for making it awkward. There's no need to worry about future gatherings; I'll be there and happy to see you like always" (No need to apologize for not liking her or lie that you do.) Unless she is truly awful in a way neither you nor your wife can tolerate, I'd think that seeing her for a few hours once or twice a year seems like an entirely reasonable thing for you to do as long as it doesn't take the place of seeing your kids without her parents and they make reasonable efforts not to invite you to events that require lots of interaction for hours without possible escape routes. I'm assuming these are things like Xmas dinner, not a week at DisneyWorld.
78: I understand, and there's a little bit of this in my extended family as well -- these are people who might listen if you asked them not to blab, but would instead crow about how they know SOME PEOPLE think they TALK too much and so they're on their BEST BEHAVIOR, do they get a treat now, LOL? And will ostentatiously ask permission to talk about shit until you give up on any enforcement because the cure is worse than the disease. Manners are hard.
68: It depends a lot on both the project and the postdocs. I've had projects where I've worked together on a daily basis, side-by-side for weeks with a collaborator, projects where weekly e-mails were exchanged, projects with monthly teleconferences, and projects where I prepared material, mailed it to someone, and got slides of results five months later. I strongly recommend discussing what tasks will be his/yours/ours. If you are supposed to be crosstraining to learn each other's area of expertise, I recommend setting up "training" sessions to make sure you are following the same processes (this is mostly to segue to the next step), then arrange a split that you find equitable for future work. If you suspect you'll have continued struggles, have a more formal meeting to divide up work with your PI present.
I saw lots of resumes listing citizenship/visa status when I was in positions to see resumes. Do you want an academic position or not? Use your work address, obviously and discuss current vs desired location in your cover letter ("I have really enjoyed my postdoc in Belgium but am looking forward to coming home to South Africa.") It is completely normal for people to be far from their desired location when they apply. I would also suggest that you mention in cover letter you would be happy to chat by phone or Skype (or whatever people use lately) so there is an obvious step intermediate to paying to fly you internationally for a preliminary interview. Some folks forget it is an option. Good luck, though.
80: Yep! My favorite was when AJ got a shiny new job a few years ago, told her, and she offered (!) not to tell anyone so he could tell everyone and she wouldn't "steal his thunder." He thanked her, then a day or two later started receiving congratulatory phone calls. She "assumed" that he'd already apread the news, so of course, when she called her brothers, she brought up how exciting it was that he had a new job! To celebrate, of course!
Done serially commenting now!
In my family, "steal his thunder" means dropping Gas-X in his chili without telling.
OMG you guys, the child who's causing extra stress and heartache already today blew up at me again as I took them home from aftercare, then managed to lock me out of the house with my keys (the set in the living room, one in my bag, and the one that had been in my pocket) all in the living room, after which she locked the door from the living room to the dining room and slammed it behind her, at which point she realized she'd locked herself there and yelled for me. I had to talk her into letting me in the back door, then we got a ladder and I tried to snag my keys off the living room mantel through the transom using hockey sticks, but they were too heavy and I dropped the keys. My alcoholic brother saved the day by showing up with a spare and my other spares have now been hidden where locks are unlikely to keep me from them. I had already swapped the doorknob direction so they can't lock themselves in their room, but apparently there's more I still need to figure out. I am so exhausted and my ankle feels awful.
Alcoholism. The cause of and solution to all problems.
84: AUGH. You are a champ. I'm sorry for both of you, plus the other two. I hope your evening gets better.
86: spoiler alert: no! Or maybe some? Math homework is extra painful and I have less tolerance, but pumpkin carving went well. Please let us have an early bedtime with no tantrums, unlike last night.
86: spoiler alert: no! Or maybe some? Math homework is extra painful and I have less tolerance, but pumpkin carving went well. Please let us have an early bedtime with no tantrums, unlike last night.
84: ack! Ugh! That sounds terrible and exhausting.
Sorry Thorn. Unfortunately the meteorological charts suggest that tantrums after all that are likely. Stay positive! Whee! Positive parenting! Parent like Auguste Comte!
Oh I see, there are holes in your clothes because you used scissors to cut the dust off yourself since you didn't have a lint roller. I can see why that would be the obvious choice. Yeah, my questions are not Mineshaft-worthy at all.
The people next to me appear to be on a date. Or trying to impress each other for reasons unknown.
Possibly selling insurance in a bar.
On the other side of me is a middle class white guy trying to convince two black guys that Clinton is good, not just better than Trump.
Interviewing for two jobs right now. Do I want to be a programmer for Tiny Educational Startup, or Snottington College Library? On the one hand, the startup features a nice hippie town, housing options under 200K, and is 30 minutes closer to my lake house. On the other hand, Snottington Towne has great schools for my kid. Also looks better on a resume. But is only offering a two year contract, at least to start.
Dear Mineshaft, what if my child grows up to be the next Moby Hick? Please advise.
You got up assume houses less than 200k are found everywhere. That's a safe assumption everywhere I've lived.
See, at least she'll have cheap housing.
Cheap? 200K houses are for the Lotus Eaters.
The woman on the date is explaining how much protein she eats.
Snottigham housing is like 350K. Or commute from the 'burbs, such as they are.
He left. She's explaining to the bartender that she won't date him because he's shorter than her.
So she was selling insurance after all?
105: Real estate agents are full of shit. Offer like 160 and almost any house is yours.
I know. It raises the bar for all of us.
97: I have seen versions of this particular choice surprisingly often, and IME almost everyone takes the startup offer; then it's down to luck whether it works out for them or not. But somehow it's always the right choice when you're choosing. (I think the outlier would be my spouse, who actually did take a contract job at a place similar to a snotty library and was very quickly converted to permanent status. It can work.) In the abstract, obviously it depends on fine details of the workplace. On the other other concrete hand, let me know if they're hiring for other positions because JFC I am obviously well past the boiling point and going to explode sooner rather than later. (That is one of those not-solvable problems referenced in the OP.)
There seem to be more Jewish people than usual out on my way home from the bar. Is there a holiday?
As long as I'm not being pursued by men in black coats, happy holiday.
Thanks. I'm not, like, celebrating it or anything.
Somebody is. Or else they are walking around after leaving differin different bars.
Could be both, really. It's one of the joyous holidays.
It is often considered something of a kids' holiday as well.
105. Assuming that Snottingham is the city that was once actually called that in the early middle ages, have you thought about the earldom of the guy who wrote letters to his son? Only half an hour by train and you can find pretty good houses in the low 200Ks.
No, snottingham is in New England, not old England.
You have to think the whole Trump pussy thing had something to do with it.
In light of 82, I actually want to reiterate my advice.
Sorry, Thorn, good luck.
As for Atossa, last night was worse than the previous three. Took her to the doctor this morning. Ear infection.
130.last: oh, poor thing. And too young to tell you what the problem was, of course. At least it should clear up soon.
NMM to Jack Chick, if no one else has noticed. I just spent an hour browsing his oeuvre. It's actually very helpful as a way into understanding Trump voters: it's paranoia as entertainment, since no one could possibly be frightened of most of the things that terrify him. And then there are the sudden swamps where he demonises (literally, of course) the groups that large numbers of American really do hate -- Gay people, Muslims, and educated women. That's when the paranoia stops being funny and you feel like one of his characters, suddenly borne off by an Angel and dropped into hell.
Wasn't Den Beste the target of one of dsquared's early, great trolls, the "shorter" series? The combination of lunatic right wing politics with a fixation on manga teens with huge eyes and still huger bazongas helped to explain a great deal about American nationalism to foreigners.
Honestly, I don't think magna teens are all that central to American nationalism.
He was the inspiration for the entire Shorter genre because he's write 8000 word screeds about topics such as why the waitress at his local diner should have bent over more when bringing his pancakes.
134: sultry oriental maidens with huge eyes etc are not part of the reward for saving the world? In that case, American isolationism is explained instead.
I don't think the generation with the most nationalism has any very good idea of what manga is.
Yeah he was the main inspiration for D2's brilliant shorter series. But my impression was that the anime/manga fixation came after he'd given up the war-blogging.
data, schmata, I like my theory. And it was actually the creepy sexual entitlement rather than the medium through which it was expressed that caught my imagination.
data, schmata, I like my theory. And it was actually the creepy sexual entitlement rather than the medium through which it was expressed that caught my imagination.
I would ask if I should rat out the airbnb I stayed in in NYC, but I've already decided to do it. I wasn't super keen on using airbnb but went along with the group, figuring it was in a legal and ethical gray area. I didn't realize that it was flat out illegal to rent out an entire apartment for less than 30 days.
It's not a situation where the host clears out for a few days here and there. He clearly doesn't live in the apartment and he rents out at least one other apartment in the building.
I guess my question is, how big an asshole am I?
SDB was the fucking worst. 'the internet's own unreliable narrator' forced us to redact the blog drastically because he was threatening--very seriously--to doxx fontana labs' and send his employers everything he ever said in comments, even when he was admittedly becks-style (as the children used to call btocked in olden times). his desperate complaint that he had not felt the warm touch of another human until that one stripper took personal liking to him almost inclined me to pity. almost. I do think it would drive me nuts pretty fast. 64.2 is fabulous in this regard.
Now that he's dead, are you going to put all of Lab's comments back? I wasn't around then and I'm curious.
64.2 is good (though slightly sad as well) and I missed it when it came up...
I swear I've seen some research that showed lonely people are more likely to take baths. I've stopped taking them since I got 75 pounds of aggressively cuddly dog, only partly because he would try to jump in with me.
If you live with other people in a house with only one full bathroom, you have scheduling difficulties.
Even with two bathrooms, I can't tell you how many days this month I've thought about how nice it would be to take a bath once the girls are asleep and by the time it happens, I'm too tired to bother. It's pretty easy to guess it's a two-digit number starting with two.
ok this is actually a life problem of a not trivial (?) kind. through the tireless efforts of my brother- and sister-in-law girl x's health has rebounded hugely--so much so that I will feel awkward talking to the other moms whose children are in the pain psych group this afternoon. massive dietary restrictions and regular taxing PT in the pool have also made me much healthier, and I have come all the way off any narcotic painkillers to switch to a nerve drug that doesn't get you high. I personally wasn't getting high on oxy at all, but the lack of pain I experienced while titrating down was a pretty clear indication that it wasn't doing much for me. all this is thanks to the caring, non-judgmental help of my brother-in-law who is the menschiest mensch in the world and has gotten us insurance, made appointments with specialists, driven us there and taken notes at the appointments. additionally it's thanks to my generously hard-working, caring, book-reading for information about our medical problems, tediously superior, judgmental sister-in-law (my husband's actual sister.) jesus no one has every been happier to be right in the history of all time. but she also comes with us to girl x's appointments and has gone to a ridiculous amount of trouble to, for example, make low-FODMAP meals for everyone/buy ingredients so I can do so (you may remember that I helpfully don't drive.)
but she's mean sometimes. her son (just 6) has to play 12 songs on the piano and scales after dinner, in exchange for various rewards. he got an advance on good behavior in the form of a cool halloween decoration (a pirate skeleton) from costco. he has been literally weeping at times during practice and she says, "well, we still have the receipt, your dad is going to have to take the skeleton back to costco." like, she's made my brother-in-law get in the car with it. she says really mean things about me and, especially, my sister being a bunch of useless junkies to my own daughter when they are on walks alone, and girl x is stuck in the position of wanting to defend us but facing the withering fire of an adult and being outside somewhere where she can't get away because she doesn't know the directions home and there are no streetlights or sidewalks in our libertarian paradise.
at a certain point my s-i-l pissed me off so bad that I thought, in an incredibly dick move because I am apparently an asshole btw, that I hadn't ever bothered to flirt with her husband. I directed my attention to him and was like, 'shit, too late.' he's physically affectionate to me in a way that I find tremendously soothing while I go through one of the most stressful periods of my life and my husband and baby daughter aren't even here to hug. I mean, he hugs me when I'm sad, and kindly pets my back when I'm really freaking out because my life is hard (but ultimately good!) at the moment. nonetheless it's clear that, in an alternate world in which he was not a kind, responsible married person, he would like to be more affectionate to me.
I realized this particularly when I was lying in bed and girl x was doing homework in the next room after a tempestuous day of emotional battles. mensch came in to note that girl x hadn't taken any fucking medicine the whole day which, maybe, you know, was not helping. I groaned about it and he came into the bedroom and, under the joking pretense that he was restraining me from leaping up to attack girl x, pushed me down by the shoulders so hard onto the bed that it took my breath away. "don't worry, I'll save you from her wrath," was what he was yelling to girl x, but pinning someone to a bed forcefully is kind of...different from patting them affectionately on the back when they are miserable. I'm not actually worried at all that he would want to act on any feelings he had for me because he's fundamentally too much a decent kind person, and such feelings may be faint anyway. but I'm ashamed that I would blithely think of hurting him because I was annoyed at her, because that's a shitty, unfair thing to do and really reflects badly on my character. I didn't act on this impulse, but it still means I'm an asshole.
at this point should I take the initiative of withdrawing from him physically and just gently pushing him away? probably, right? no, definitely. I don't want to, though. he's very soothing and I really have been having full-blown panic attacks. as much as I was happy to tell everyone on the internet in 2012 that I was sexually abused as a child, it turns out that in real life when I am not having a nervous breakdown that telling doctors in person makes me want to puke and triggers a very useless, old, coping behavior in which I bite my fingertips or dig into them with the nails of my other hand till they all have blood blisters on them. I got a wonderful long letter from one of my docs at the mayo clinic that I can take anywhere and get medical care that will be orders of magnitude better than if I had just wandered in to tell them a heterogenous set of complaints. but it has a little life summary part in which he officially diagnoses me as having had a 'difficult childhood,' which, lol, but also just plain says I was sexually abused and have PTSD. fuck that letter. I literally threw it away from me when I got to that point. it's so stupid to react that way to something so valuable, but really, fuck that. my brother-in-law said, 'I've already made a copy but I'll keep the original too and you can ask me for it when you need it.' I already handed a copy to a new doctor once, maybe I'll eventually become desensitized to it, I don't know.
it's been weird and stressful to live with them and have all three of us adults spend almost all our free time strategizing on how to get my daughter to get more exercise, or talking about varying theories of illness, or how to get her to stop being inconsiderate (lol rite). it has allowed me to befriend him, though, and even my sister-in-law as well, because one rarely gets the chance as an adult to have so much continuous time to hang out. it's easy to make friends in college if you can spend five hours a day together every day. my sister-in-law is like...your best friend's prickly roommate who says all the wrong things but her heart is in the right place? I realize that there is an unhappy, sick part of me that would like him to hit on me because otherwise I have a friend who is a man and is a totally trustworthy, kind person, and since I sort of mistrust dudes in a general and unhelpful way he is (quite rightly) knocking my heuristic off and part of me doesn't like it. now you guys can all tell me that playing with matches is a good way to burn shit down and I will ignore your objectively good advice.
Oh, al! I'm not going to suggest therapy because of course, but just want to say that it's really typical to be more triggered by the putting-words-on-it piece than just about anything else, as I was actually saying to someone else very recently. This just isn't something people talk about and so it's hard to see that there are norms in behavior and expectations. And having someone insist on being a wonderful, considerate person is THE WORST and terrifying, but I hope that he is and that you're able to trust that. And um same sort of wishes but substitute me, fine. I will settle for more regular baths.
thanks thorn! you're going through a rougher patch than me, honestly, now that girl x is definitely out of a wheelchair. I hope you get the hot baths of your dreams! I have a lot of support and am in a beautiful place. I just also have no contact with anyone other than my in-laws and doctors (hence I am getting the pain psych group parents together for the first time today). thanks for backing me up on the "written down" problem; I wanted to burn that thing but also felt dumb and ashamed I'm not a more well-adjusted person who would, hypothetically, not freak out.
My life is going to get so much better so soon! There's an MRI today and I'm not paying them ridiculous money to not come up with a diagnosis, so let's say also a diagnosis. The principal is involved and talking to teachers as of this morning, and I have a recommendation from last year's teacher about a room where my daughter could potentially thrive. Next month I'll start getting money to go toward the girls' care for the first time since the breakup 15 months ago, which will make a big difference really fast. Hmm, what else? Every time I empty out a box, nothing comes to take its place and so in theory everything will get put away, possibly in time for us to host a little Thanksgiving. And there's not even a child protective investigation anymore, so Thanksgiving with wine! Much to be grateful for, really!
The woman's dedication to the long term goal of ensuring her son viscerally loathes playing music is ... remarkable. Indeed, were I living with her I might remark on it. Tone and timing being critical, the challenge of launching this would probably be too tempting to pass up. Done just right she would have little legitimate cause for complaint and it might help the poor little dude. Plus, getting it right would likely distract me from other, less helpful endeavors.
fucking a right dq. my tongue has gotten bit on hard in this adventure. he can ALSO only watch tv of any kind AUF DEUTSCH. I had to go to amazon.de to get "mein nachbar totoro" and he still hasn't earned the rights to watch it with us wtf even is having cousins for even.
I kinda feel like I want to quit the law and become a professional pranker, much like Norm MacDonald in the film Dirty Work, just to fuck with this family. Like maybe kidnap her son for a few hours and teach him some Hitler speech in German to recite to Mom.
Hey unfogged, guess what lonely person is about to get in the bathtub!
Hidden webcams mean I don't need to guess.
That is not what I had in mind when I left whatever Creative Commons setting on the nipple pic, I assure you.
Tigre hates Creative Commons, so maybe this is his revenge.
Perhaps my superkoranic fellatio powers finished him, after all.
also, yes to 156. you can stoke the fires of your hatred when you hear about how the adorable lad is a lifelong vegetarian who has been forced for years to eat lima beans not merely without bacon but without salt or butter. he has to eat beets to earn eating gummy multivitamins.
what about the rest of my problem though?
what about the rest of my problem though?
It's not clear to me what you're actually asking in 150, in terms of what it is that you might do or not do depending on what advice you get.
I mean, I doubt I would have any useful advice regardless of what it is. But someone else might.
165 - Holy fuck. In rescue van, leaving now.
165: Are these people Seventh Day Adventists or have you married into the Flanders family?
165 is just straight up deranged. Make him biscuits STAT. Extra butter REQUIRED.
Boy am I idly wondering if this woman's son is going to turn out more accomplished, happier, and better-adjusted than my daughter. Probably!
I admit that I encourage my daughter to eat loads of meat for several reasons, including the hope that her childhood diet won't inoculate her against vegetarianism, since that seems to be a pretty common pattern. Because of ethical screens or whatever she also gets pretty choice charcuterie. To be clear, I don't give a shit if she's a lifelong meat-lover; I just don't want to be the parent who forced horrible vegetarian food on her. And Christ I hope I've raised her not to be even playfully judgy about other people's diets and cooking, because it's so fucking rude and unnecessary.* Yes, in private it is okay to say that mashed potatoes made from mashed potato powder mix are probably not worth eating to save your life. And okay maybe you get to complain about one dish to your mother's face, and I can see as an adult that copious peanut butter mixed in with Coco Wheats is perhaps not a real French Laundry brunch item. But I can't imagine telling my parents that their cooking was terrible.
*mostly hyperbole/trolling, a little bit serious. I'm sure it seems ruder to me because I hold relatively few strong opinions about food compared to... most of humanity.
I'm sure it seems ruder to me because I hold relatively few strong opinions about food compared to... most of humanity.
I'm with you on that. My sister is a vegan, so I totally understand and respect that perspective, even though I don't hold it myself. But on the other hand, I live in Alaska and have friends who eat whales, among many other animals, and I understand and respect that perspective too. And I personally have few strong opinions on food, and on many other things.
Al: glad to hear that things are going so well on the health fronts. Can you de-escalate a little with the BIL without cutting off the milder displays of affection? tricky, I suppose.
I always thought the fact that nobody would ever, like ever, do anything about it was what made married people's flirtiness possible. My father was very affectionate to female friends including arm around shoulders at times and this was possible because everyone especially my mother knew that there was no question of transgressing.
Also wondering if your SIL has already picked up on this vibe a little thus contributing to her mean comments about you. Her parenting is nuts though.
Alarm bells should be ringing with the whole "this German vegetarian's strict parents could be leading him to grow up hateful and embittered" thing.
174 I suggest they do whatever it takes to ensure his application to art school is accepted. Preferably with a full scholarship.
I won't eat lima beans even with butter. Just from looking at them.
I'm fine with kidney beans and pinto beans and whatever kind of beans is in baked beans.
175
Are you sure this son wasn't adopted from Brazil?
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