"Maybe it's the three glasses of cognac"
They misspelled "peppermint schnapps."
You just haven't made the crucial error of showing kindness to bored narcissists at your workplace, heebie; that was my mistake. Reading the link gave me a flashback rage headache.
Also this
Jahren advises women to, "draw strong professional boundaries and then to enforce them, not because she should have to, but because nobody else will." She further suggests that women "document everything" so that male colleagues cannot present harassment as a "two-way emotional exchange."
is unfortunately really good advice. Never be nice to anyone at work, people! It's a trap.
Ha! When I was a fellow, I had an attending with whom I had a lively relationship. We generally got along, there was a lot of banter, and we would occasionally fight bitterly over patient care issues (we had some profound ethical disagreements about end-of-life care). In general we worked well together, and even talked about leaving the institution we were at to start up a liver transplant program at another place. One day in the lab while we were talking about leaving, a coworker needed his car jumped, so we both went with him. In my usual graceful way I straightened up under the hood and almost knocked myself out (cut open my head, blood running into my eyes, totally awesome). We went back to the lab and while I was sitting there, still dizzy and holding an icepack to my head, he told me that we could never actually start up this program because he was so attracted to me. He was married, couple of kids, etc. I have always been mad about this because although he supposedly was showing admirable restraint, I can't see this as anything other than a way to 'put the ball in my court,' and give me the chance (!) to declare my feelings for him. Also, WTF with deciding to do it when I actually had a head injury! Most guys just wait until you have a couple of drinks to lower your inhibitions.
Blood loss and alcohol could be considered to have similar disinhibitory effects.
Epic love letters at the work place are definitely not flattering and are a form of sexual harassment.
What about mix CD's and a customized storybook? God, has it really been almost ten years since that thread?
http://www.unfogged.com/archives/week_2007_12_02.html#007881
3: Maybe red is a flattering color for you.
i have had numerous work-crush situations, and have always been able to wait them out without declarations thank god. i only ever had declarations when i worked in retail, and then i was extremely lucky because each time the guy (customer, not colleague) declared in carefully considered terms and circumstances where i was free to feel safe and flattered rather than manipulated and trapped. this is so rare.
Well, clearly, all transplant surgeons are basically vampires once removed, and truth be told one of my markers for having a good day is if I have had someone else's blood on me, so maybe it was just all of the excitement. It did make the rest of my fellowship a little awkward, though. Not the least because I had a crush on a different attending (which I dealt with in the standard way, BY NOT TELLING HIM!).
"That's odd, he never sends creepy love letters at home."
Thank goodness I'm so standoffish that I haven't run into this personally. I know it costs me a bit in career advancement, but I'm willing to pay.
That said, I didn't really appreciate my classmates telling me all the cute girls in the program were married. Um?
My program did include several professors who were fucking their undergrads, though. My favorite story is the professor who was married, having an affair with a postdoc, AND having an affair with an undergrad (the guy? Not super attractive. Maybe it was the accent?). He got caught by his wife after taking the undergrad to a conference and somehow using her cell phone rather than his to call his wife. She threw him out. He told his sad story to the postdoc, looking for her to let him stay with her. She was unaware of the undergrad and furious. She dumped him on the spot. He moved in with the undergrad and basically did the Walk of Shame onto campus every morning from the student apartment area of town.
Rather, it's the kind that prioritizes men's feelings, and their expression of them, over the simple act of treating a woman as a professional colleague.
This reminds me of a really interesting bit of stage banter. The Mountain Goats don't play one of their old fan favorites because he now considers it "misogynist bullshit." But someone paid him $60 to play it at a charity concert and so he sang it, but also explained as he was singing why he doesn't play the song anymore. There's a bit of this which really does a great job bringing home this point about male feelings not being so damn important. (Hopefully my youtube link worked, it starts at exactly the hour mark.)
Sorry that was me.
He moved in with the undergrad and basically did the Walk of Shame onto campus every morning from the student apartment area of town.
HOLY SHIT!
Most guys just wait until you have a couple of drinks to lower your inhibitions.
Sure, if they've got doctor-money.
What the article doesn't explain is why women are leaving STEM. Is it actually any different somewhere else? One would expect business schools to be worse, law too.
I think the problem isn't that the men are worse, but that you get the Smurfette effect* in parts of STEM were there are very few women.
*I'm assuming Smurfette is extremely tired of being the only possible love object for every blue heterosexual male.
3: Not to state the obvious, but of course this comes with a helping of "Look at this possible professional opportunity that's not available because you're too damnably attractive (with a head injury)." It's not just the harassment, it's the closed doors.
On the other hand, patients might have been a little leery of going for treatment at the "I Can See My Future In Your Eyes Transplant Center."
The sign has John Cusack holding a liver over his head.
6: Thanks. That thread was from before me, so I'd never seen it before.
"I Can See My Future In Your Eyes Transplant Center."
I still have a fond place in my heart for the inspirational blind girl who wouldn't marry her boyfriend because she was ashamed of her blind self, and then she got the eyeball donor, and after the eyeball donation her boyfriend proposed and she said yes, and then after she got her bandages off she discovered that her fiance was the eyeball donor, and then she broke up with him because therein somehow laid the moral of the story, which was truly not ironic or deliberately off-kilter.
I think there was a movie the Rock Hudson kind of like that except they married happily.
Anyway, that's kind of a theme in Strong Poison. Vane can't marry Wimsey because he has saved her life.
I assume that's why they always prefer organs donated from a cadaver. The cadaver isn't going to call up and say, "Some nights I feel so lonely and cold. Like my missing kidney is a void in my heart."
I posted a joke video of something not really sexual at the other place, and I'm friends with various cow orkers including my direct reports, is someone going to be offended by it?
I no longer have any direct reports. They all report to a more recently hired woman who is a college of mine. Because I'm a feminist deeply annoyed by young people who ask questions.
I've found lawyers receptive to studied and relentlessly persistent cheerful unwillingness to engage with work crushes, and along with the incessant mandatory trainings in big law it has worked for me, not that this is making much of a claim in favor of lawyers. But I could see the law selecting for a bit more emotional clueyness in dudes than stem.
Or, maybe not emotional cluefullness, but a more vivid sense of plausible ways that sort of behavior can go bad for everyone? (And of course there are plenty of lawyer stories. I've never been approached unexpectedly with a declaration of love myself, but I've heard stories.)
I've heard stories from people in law school, but they don't really count as "love" because they all involve T/ck/r M/x.
Ticklr Mix? Is that another dating app I haven't heard of yet?
24:
I hadn't thought about this music video in years. (Warning: It's really long, and fairly terrible.)
32, 33: Huh -- my belief was that this problem was fairly common in the law, because the legal profession attracts a fair number of narcissists and subjects them to conditions (boredom, lack of fulfillment, long hours that detach them from their personal lives) that make them feel entitled to engage in bad behavior. Also, a lot of male lawyers are deluded about their level of emotional cluefulness.
there is a partner on my floor who is guaranteed to compliment my dress, guaranteed, causing all his colleagues within earshot to visibly cringe. he sounds a bit surprised at himself, every single time. i was least surprised ever the first time he led into an anecdote with "my frat brothers and i ..."
I am not claiming emotional intelligence for the profession, but there is value in being able to read a judge, jury or counterparty. also the ingrained habit of worst-case-scenario-ism per lb.
Everybody here has boring problems now.
6: I just read the entire thread and am now dying to know, was there ever an update?
The blog existed before Moby? MIND. BLOWN.
I was quite late. Ogged had already quit when I started.
You know, I bet Margo Timmins is the subject of at least a dozen totally sincere Grand Declarations every single night of her professional life.
(I was recently consulted regarding a Grand Declaration that went wrong, and is currently in administrative proceedings. Six page hand-written letter, 63 year old man, 26 year old woman. Honestly, I kind of am the Grand Declaration type, so it was really cringe-inducingly great to get a close up view of the wreckage, and have the obligation to pontificate thereupon.)
He should have waited until she was 66 and he was 103. The age difference wouldn't be nearly so much of a problem.
12. And he was not fired for inappropriate behaviour, why exactly?
Does a six page hand-written letter really signal "grand declaration of love"? Not that I've ever gotten one, but I can't imagine it doesn't get really repetitive. I bet if he cared about her time instead of just her appearance, he could have gotten the same sentiment across in two pages.
With that kind of age difference, it takes a lot of explanation to be sure the pop culture references are going to be comprehensible.
That's true. I was thinking maybe two pages were a charcoal sketch of his erection.
I still have a fond place in my heart for the inspirational blind girl who wouldn't marry her boyfriend because she was ashamed of her blind self, and then she got the eyeball donor, and after the eyeball donation her boyfriend proposed and she said yes, and then after she got her bandages off she discovered that her fiance was the eyeball donor, and then she broke up with him because therein somehow laid the moral of the story, which was truly not ironic or deliberately off-kilter.
Spoiler warning, but that's almost exactly the ending of The Lobster.
He didn't donate both eyes, did he? Talk about overdoing your declaration of love.
If your love has depth, they'll need two eyes to see it.
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach while still complying with the court order.
||
OK, where do you max out on this scale? I can see making a 7 on a particularly crazy day but that's it. Maybe. More like 6 or 5 in practice.
|>
I don't even know what some of those words mean.
57: The relative positions (on the left-to-right axis) of "females submitting", "males dominating", "females dominating", and "males submitting" says a lot.
And why isn't the neutral gray color on the color scale half-way between the two ends.
The interesting point about that chart is the two empty quadrants - there doesn't seem to be anything in the top right-hand "so taboo and so hawt!!" box, which is surprising, and only feet get into the opposite, "not particularly taboo and not particularly exciting" one.
Which makes me think the two axes are probably measuring the same thing. Also, I suspect that if you're a fan of one of the dots in the bottom right box, you would probably rate it in the top right?
If the y-axis is a simple average of "into it" scores among all respondents, it makes sense that there's nothing in the upper right - it effectively merges how interested enthusiasts are with how many people have any interest whatsoever, and on the right end the latter will have the biggest effect.
So not measuring exactly the same thing, but closely linked by definition.
That chart would be way hawter if it were plotted on a log scale.
Also, I suspect that if you're a fan of one of the dots in the bottom right box, you would probably rate it in the top right?
Presumably -- for something that taboo, why would you do it unless you thought it was super hot?
If you're not willing to give necrophilia a try, you aren't really being fair to necrophiliacs if you try to ban it.
Somehow, the slogan "Unfair to Necrophiliacs" has never been a big attractor of sympathy.
Check your non-necrophiliac privilege LB.
I thought Clerks had a sensitive portrayal of the subject.
Anyway, it's big in New Jersey so there's no need to be an elitist Manhattanite.
66: It's a new world. There was a time when "Grab 'em by the pussy" and praise for Vladimir Putin's strong leadership would have been considered beyond the pale. Once Trump comes out in favor of necrophilia, it'll be in the Republican Party platform.
69: Jimmy Hoffa's never been so popular.
Trump will bring scat fetishes to the mainstream, not necrophilia. Leave something for the Congressional leadership and Pence.
71- He's done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more.
Pence reportedly calls his wife "Mother". I think we can identify that elsewhere on the chart.
Unless his mother is like Norman Bates's mother.
I don't even know what some of those words mean
The Japanese have more words for "weirdo" than the Sami do for "snow".
I wish I hadn't looked up "sounding".
And "rapeplay" seems much more taboo to me than "incest roleplay," but then I don't have a sister.
O
I wish I hadn't looked up "sounding".
I can't believe how difficult I'm finding it NOT to look up "futa," but I keep reminding myself how much I wish I didn't know what sounding is, and here is my chance to not make the same mistake again...
81 I looked up "futa" and I still don't know what it means.
I suppose I mean I tried looking up "futa"
"vore" i take it is a misprint for "vole"
I wish I didn't know what sounding is
When whales dive, right?
The thing on that chart that makes me curious is 'creepy-crawlies'. I mean, I know roughly what the words mean in English, but is it a particular term of art, or just people who get off contempating anthills/pillbugs/whatever?
I assumed it was people who deliberately sought out pubic lice.
87: Don't know, would very much like to keep it that way.
Someone's going to write a memoir about how they learned about taboo sexual practices from presidential dossiers and depositions.
So I guess Truly Novel Sex Acts are pretty much by definition in the lower right-hand corner.
(Although maybe there is the Ice-9 of sex acts just waiting to take over all of human sexuality.)
Actually, is oral sex even on that chart? Maybe Clinton is off the hook.
