Good lord, man, you need to get laid.
I thought that was me. Anyway, I'm wondering what the real language in the program says -- if it's anything close to "Live New Titties," I am curious as to what the rest of the show could be about.
That reminds me of the last verse of the song "Ogged's Blues" which I have here on a scratchy old 78:
"I been down so long, lord, even the blues've passed me by
Yeah I been down so long even the blues've passed me by
You know I'd never get laid, if it weren't for layin' down to die."
what is wrong with me? Nude titties. New titties either doesn't make any sense, or would be very very wrong.
Should have linked to this comment.
You've never been to a strip club?! Well, now we know you don't work on Wall Street. And no gay club means not in the visual arts field either.
Actually, w-lfs-n, I really like that!
Aren't all titties new, if you haven't seen them before?
Also: is "titties," like, the least sexy word ever, or what?
I humbly submit "boobies" as a less sexy word.
titties is less sexy than boobies, says I. But less sexy than titties? Tee-tas. That word is only a variation on titties though. Colonoscopy might be a less sexy word, but as far as words that purport to describe sexy things, I think titties is about as unsexy as they come.
Just going by sounds, "colonoscopy" is definitely more sexy than "titties". Meaningwise all is ganz anders.
Aren't all titties new
No. Most of 'em are used or leased.
Also: is "titties," like, the least sexy word ever, or what?
Are you kidding me?
Huh. Maybe I've just spent a little more time in the 'hood than you.
Hmm. You are right. Colonoscopy actually sounds rather sonorous. I give up. Titties (or its variation tee-tas) is the most unsexy word of all. That it describes something so glorious is one of life's chief ironies.
Titties is the most unsexy word of all.
Ahem.
Nutsack.
imagine that nutsack described something besides a nutsack. The sound itself is not so unsexy.
I'm curious what the performance was. Death of a Salesman, with a special fourth act?
Didn't know that. But I hope to retire here.
Here's where I was conceived.
AP, you might want to know there are different definitions of tittybong.
These two towns are, thank God, close to one another...
And I note that Intercourse is just down the road, literally and figuratively, from this town, which should really be the Unfogged World Headquarters.
Hee hee. At first I thought, "New Holland" what's weird about that? But then I zoomed in.
Too bad that's not near Coxsackie. You've really explored our country, Chappy.
Was the show "Equus?" I can't recall any "real" plays that have male nudity, except maybe "Hair," but who does that anymore?
Of course, to be stringently correct it would have to be "lyin' down to die" or "layin' myself down to die".
People giggled at cock but went all quiet at titties? Proves my point.
Although I will concede that "boobies" is even grosser than "titties." Christ.
Or maybe it proves that men *are* funnier than women after all...
"boobies" is even grosser than "titties."
Gross? Hmm, not the adjective I'd have assigned. "Boobies" just sounds like a little kid word to me, like calling one's genitalia a "hoo-hoo" or relieving oneself as "tinkling." YMMV, I suppose. "Titties" has always sounded like a Frito-Lay product to me (e.g., Tater Titties).
So, where does "hooters" fall in the juvenile breast euphemism spectrum? Below even the aforementioned? And is there a word (other than "breasts") that you prefer?
I know you aren't asking me, but I find "tits" to be preferable even to "breasts" (too clinical).
I've found that "jugs" is both tasteful and euphonious. "Mammaries" also tends to put the ladies in the mood.
"I've never been to a strip club"
You're not missing much. The basic idea is the separate you from your cash as quickly as possible, while you are dazed and rendered suggestible by arching haunches and boobs. I went to one once and escaped about 20 minutes later and $50 lighter.
Weirdly, this was an all-nude place, and the dancers were nice to look at, but it wasn't really much of a turn on. Maybe if they lightened up on the "give me money" bit.
"Oh, let me get my hands / on your mammary glands", as the Smiths sang.
A related discussion can be found here, and I believe this may be the comprehensive list. Scanning it quickly, I find myself inexplicably drawn to "lactoids".
I've been scouring my memory for some suave term or phrase that I've used in the past, but no, I really do throw my hands in the air and yell "Titties! Hooray!"
Oh, and I have been to a bachelor party that featured nude women with the whole whipped-cream, double-ended dildo, guys do the women with stap-ons thing. Just gross, man, totally disturbing. But I have to admit, though it makes me a bad person, that the Indian guy berating one of the women in Urdu was friggin' hilarious.
Where did the guys stap on the stap-ons? Were there not obstructions? (Or do you mean that the guys did the women-with-stap-ons?)
The guys were attendees; they were clothed, and strapped the strap-ons over their clothes. By the seashore.
It was a bachelor party, so the guys mostly knew each other. No one wants to go blind seeing his friend's cock. And I guess the women didn't want to be penetrated with actual fleshy members, because that would be sex, or a crime, or something.
a bachelor party that featured nude women
I've been to exactly one of those (though no dildos or strap-ons, I'm happy to report) and I found it a really, really uncomfortable experience. The entire time, I had this gathering feeling that something very bad was about to happen that I did not want to witness. I did get to see a young woman smoke a cigarette with her hoo-hoo, though, so I guess that's something. Anyhow, it was definitely a much more disturbing atmosphere than a strip club, which is just dull and dreary.
A friend refers to her girls as Dillie and Dora.
Oh, and ogged, I'm beginning to wonder about you just a little bit.
definitely a much more disturbing atmosphere than a strip club
Ah, I don't have a point of reference, so can't really put my finger on what was so disturbing about the party. You?
Peter, whaddya mean, "wonder?" Sorry, "wonder"?
I had this gathering feeling that something very bad was about to happen that I did not want to witness.
I get that; I feel the same way. And it's doubly awful because the people you subconsciously suspect of possible "bad things" are your friends.
Peter, whaddya mean, "wonder?" Sorry, "wonder"?
I'm so proud!
That was just for Peter the Brit, Ben; don't get your hopes up.
I think, Ogged, that the rules of engagement at a strip club are pretty strictly defined, lots of other employees around, etc. The entire atmosphere feels very artificial, scripted and staged, and the "customers" mostly just sit quietly, handing out $10 bills.
The bachelor party, though, had the feeling of a drunken Spring Break bash that was on the edge of turning into a sexual assault. It didn't, but I reached a point pretty early on where I didn't want to be there any longer. And SCMT, I think you pegged a big part of it.
ogged, i wondered about you in the context of men donning strap-ons, but i no longer wonder about you after reading 38.
this was apostropher's bachelor party, no?
Peter, different parties.
Thanks apo and Tim. That makes a lot of sense. The crowd at my party was pretty subdued, but yes, now that you guys mention it, there was a scary undercurrent there; and you have the guy who accompanies the women, wearing a fanny pack, obviously containing a gun, and...yeah...not good.
Peter, despite being married twice, I've not had a bachelor's party.
All this stuff makes me glad that nearly all my experience of bachelor parties was gained on this side of the ocean. Passing out on the floor of a black taxi in Dublin or getting drunkenly, hopelessly lost in Edinburgh at 4 in the morning seem positively wholesome in comparison.
We did manage to plant explicit gay porn in the groom-to-be's suitcase for his intended to find. Good times.
I really do throw my hands in the air and yell "Titties! Hooray!"
Ah, my brother from another mother. Indeed. Are you telling me, though, that these men in strap-ons actually engaged in quasi-sex with the entertainers?
Are you telling me, though, that these men in strap-ons actually engaged in quasi-sex with the entertainers?
Yes. They told us that if we all chipped in an extra $X, there'd be a special treat, so, we did, and that was it.
This whole thing was just bizarre, thinking back now. A lot of the guys at the party were Indian med students, and one of the women looked to be part Indian and was an undergrad at the same school. She was worried that word would spread. Ya think?
And, also remembering now, the show ended abruptly when one of the guys, too drunk to stand, fell on one of the women and hurt her leg. God what a fucked up night.
Presumably the point of the strapons is that the men get a clear conscience. "No, I did not have sex with that woman."
I can't believe you actually asked what words I, personally, prefer for breasts, apostropher. Of course, I'm going to answer it because I have a fatal weakness where direct questions are concerned.
For talking about, I honestly just go with "breasts." For semi-jokey stuff, "tits" is great. Such a fine, slappy word. My personal preference is for the former, but the latter is okay too, especially in colloquial conversation. "Hooters" is hilarious and will get me on a rant about the restaurant chain, the difference between Playboy and Penthouse, and you just don't wanna go there. "Boobies," I am sorry to say, was the word my family used when I was coming up, which is probably why it totally creeps me out.
Bachelor's parties are puerile. Of course, you knew I was going to say that. But for the record, I also find bachelorette parties puerile. And crap like Chippendale's dancers is *way* worse than the boy-focused strip clubs I've been to, for reasons that tie back into the Playboy vs. Penthouse rant, which I'll spare you. For now.
I really do throw my hands in the air and yell "Titties! Hooray!"
Do you wave them like you just don't care? Your hands, I mean. I know you're too skinny to have wavable titties.
I really don't think the strap-ons were for the mens' benefit (and it wasn't the bachelors using them, just random guests). Partly, I think it let the women control the movement, because they had guys lay down, and straddled them, mainly, I think, so the guys couldn't thrust much. And also because real sex would have been just too damn weird.
Oh, and there does seem to be the genre of interactive male stripping as well (not safe for work).
I can't believe you actually asked what words I, personally, prefer for breasts, apostropher.
After you just commented on what words you, personally, don't like for breasts? Seemed like the logical follow-up.
They had the guys lie down.
And it's fitting that bachelor's parties be puerile, since it is, or so the presumption goes, the last time the groom will get to act like a boy. Bachelorette parties, on the other hand, are puellile.
Sorry on the "lay" "lie." Not a native speaker, you know. I can't even claim to know which is ever correct.
"Lay" is transitive, "lie" is intransitive. "Lay" is also the past tense of "lie".
A little late, but my dad always told this story .
puellile Oh, for god's sake.
apostropher, I beg to differ. Bitching about language, in general is generally a socially acceptable activity. Asking people personally what words they prefer for their own secondary sex characteristics, while not entirely socially unacceptable, definitely falls into a different category.
Is that a joke, BPhD? I don't get it.
No, I'm not joking--I'm not being bitchy, though, either. Just saying, I was surprised apostropher asked, and explaining why. Or trying to. I don't *mind*, it's just a slightly different category of question.
Apos. wasn't asking what term you prefer for your breasts.
Well, differ away, of course, but I'm not sure I quite understand the distinction. FWIW, I wasn't really asking what you'd named the Official Funbags of BitchPhD™, just which words you preferred to use conversationally, having forcefully cast aside the two most common terms.
Oh, and for comic value, I find it hard to top "knockers."
Well, I haven't named my breasts. Christ. Who the hell does that?
Yes, I had a girlfriend long, long ago who referred to hers as Laverne and Shirley.
a strip club, which is just dull and dreary.
Yeah, the couple times I've been in one I've found them awkward and sad, for some reason, and I love the female form.
But for crying out loud, WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THE SHOW? I do theatre. I'm curious. I need to know!
Oh, and calling one's breasts "the girls" always seemed pretty cool to me.
Ogged's location is top secret, remember? He can't tell you the name of the show.
"The girls" freaks me. Sounds kinda Oprah-ish, somehow. Apologies to people who date people who name their breasts, but naming breasts--like naming cocks--is just, ew. To me.
Anyway, maybe I did mistake a's question. Serious apology here: the med shit is continuing to kick my ass, and I'm a bit wonky as a result. Witness the fact that I am worrying about this, ATALL.
Must go soak head now.
'Well, I haven't named my breasts. Christ. Who the hell does that?'
Strippers, probably. Modifying things often makes you want to instill a personality in them. Which was why I named my member after the steel rod implant/piercing.
But if you were to name them, oh, what might the names be?
You didn't say anything that would even remotely require an apology, b. By the way, everybody I know who has been on Paxil found coming off of it to be a godawfully miserable experience, to the point where several needed a week or two off of work, just from the physical symptoms. Hang in there.
By the way, "Look, Don't Nurse" is a classic (a few up from the bottom).
yes, i am not spending a lot of time in the office. nor getting much grading done. appreciate sympathy. not good at not being good at things. quel surprise.
i'd name 'em unf and ogged, of course.
The name of the show was "Live Nude Titties", right?
Nobody asked, but I always thought "I knew this would happen!" would be a great epitaph.
like naming cocks--is just, ew.
Sure, but when you come up with a name as perfect as Spanky Johnson, it would be a shame not to assign it to one somewhere.
Which gets the bigger ew-o-matic rating: a guy who names his goodfellow, or a girlfriend who names it for him?
I don't know, but extra points to the girl or boy that names one Helmut Kohl.
http://www.nicolo-martin.de/images/kohlcols2.jpg
I once knew a man named Beatis Johnson. I envied him.
a, that is a very good question. How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? I think the answer has to be: equally ew, but for different reasons.
"Bristols" (Cockney rhyming slang, from "Bristol City")
"Bristols" is great, but unimportable: if an American said it, people would think he was mispronouncing "bristles." How unsexy is that?
bristles can be sexy, when pronounced correctly.
Jeez, only 87 AOTW. I thought that ogged felt threated by Labs' 129, and was pulling out the big, well, guns, but I guess we couldn't keep it going long enough. Too bad.
I thought that ogged felt threated by Labs' 129, and was pulling out the big, well, guns, but I guess we couldn't keep it going long enough.
This is why ogged can't get laid.
Coming late to the party, but some friends of mine from college all named their breasts. The were more than these, but the three sets that leap to mind were:
Flopsy and Mopsy (yes, there was a Peter Cottontail as well)
Hook and Lefty
and, my personal favorite (since I thought of it, even though they weren't mine):
Scylla and Charybdis
I like Scylla and Charybdis! But it's not so inviting. Like women who get tattoos of black widow spiders on their inner thigh...
I've been thinking Hoi and Polloi is pretty good. Segue's nicely into Hello, Polly too, for variety.
I named my girlfriend's breasts just to tease her. (I think this was one of the times I was referring to the 'Mr. Happy Puppet Show'.)
Gumby and Pokey.
The problem was, that I kept getting confused about which one was Gumby and which one was Pokey.
This is not the sort of mistake that makes for de happy wimmens.
ash
['Well, geez, let me lick it and see if I can figure it out from the texture!']
Hook and Lefty is brilliant. Had I breasts, I might not be able to pass those up.
Hm. I gotta eat more.
Like women who get tattoos of black widow spiders on their inner thigh...
Wow, you slept with her too? What are the odds? As for Hoi Polloi, it gives new meaning to the phrase "yearning to breathe free", no?
Hm. I gotta eat more.
Good luck! I assume you've already put the number for BaconWhores on your speed dial?
As for breast names, in addition to "the girls", I sometimes hear them called "the twins". I also like "my talking points".
I've also heard an apocryphal tale of a woman who named hers Nixon and Reagan, as in "this is Nixon, and here's Reagan, and heeeeeeeeeeere's Bush!" Sorry for sharing.
And Kramer often referred to "his boys", but that was for a different part of his anatomy.
As for Hoi Polloi, it gives new meaning to the phrase "yearning to breathe free", no?
"Huddled masses" would make a good replacement for "the girls" or "the twins".
The lumpenproletariat.
Masterful.
I'm lending a hand and sure enough the size of the post seems to be swelling vigorously.
I can't believe I didn't notice this before—there's a stray comma in your update, after "luckily".
If only I had something else (or just something) clever to add, but I don't. However, this comment was necessary to reach...
Yes, "lumpenproletariat" is pure gold. Let future blogging historians look back and admire our comment section.
Well done, apostropher! And b-w with the assist! But where's Weiner?
By the way: the new, patriotically approved way to say "I'd hit that":
Dude, check out the huddled masses on her. I'd sure love to lift my lamp beside her golden door.
I'm not sure where "wretched refuse of her teeming shore" fits in, though. Should probably be filed under "sucky party aftermath".
Of course, all this fratboy talk is just a transparent attempt to get BPhD involved and pump up the comments count. 200, here we come.
I can't wait till Monday morning when people ask me how I spent my Saturday night.
Nothing to be ashamed of: that huddled masses line is great.
Hey! I went home. And then out to see Triage (Dave Rempis's trio) at the Onopa Brewery. Bow before my mighty social life! (Um, when you said "Where's Weiner" you meant me, right?)
I think that the people who read this blog who don't know what Triage is will not be enlightened by learning that it's Dave Rempis' trio.
Well, I often forget who Triage is, so some days I might counterexample your statement. Also, it gives them more to Google if they're curious. And... no, what I meant to say was this.
"Counterexample" is a verb now? Oy.
Go 'round saying "constitute a counterexample to" for a few days and you'll see why.
The return of Lebanese Druze leader Walid Jumblatt to the news reminds me that in the 1980s, thanks I think to a few references in a sitcom, his name was slang for the breasts around my way. As in "Cor stone the crows! Cop the Wally Jumblatts on that one!". I think that the idea was malapropistic from "jubblies" which was Elizabethan slang.
Elizabethan slang? Just the other day I was reading a british women's magazine and, in the section where men FINALLY revealed their s3kr1t preferences to women (finally!), one of them, queried on real v. unnaturally augmented breasteses, used "jubblies".
