Get a deputation of local ruffians to tell him he isn't welcome to live there anymore.
Either he's putting his finger on something that you think may be true, in which case fine, it bears thinking about (but really, white guilt is a waste of time), or he's just one of those goddamn annoying leftier-than-thou guys. Try seeing if you can get him to lecture you about feminism sometime, then you'll know.
In fact, I revise that statement: he's one of those leftier-than-thou guys regardless of whether he hit a nerve or not. Get him to lecture you about feminism for confirmation, and then point out what a sexist asshole he is to lecture you about feminism, and hold it over his head. With any luck that will shame him into leaving you alone.
Also, I call b.s. on this post. You said you'd answer every question asked, and if you can't, you should pass it on to another blogger! Boo.
B, I think about the ways I'm racist plenty; I don't need reminders. I don't think anything about what he was doing was putting his finger on something true; I'm quite confident that race has no bearing on how much I like American Idol contestants.
he's one of those leftier-than-thou guys regardless of whether he hit a nerve or not.
But I think there might be an additional element here. The hostility that comes out of nowhere is weird. It implies there's more to this.
I'm thinking leftier than thou guy who really wants to fuck her, but she has never shown this kind of interest in him. Naturally in his mind this is her fault. He's got some pent up hostility now.
Pick up a black guy and bed him; introduce him to your roommate at breakfast as your luuuuveeer.
Gee, I don't know, Baffled. You've stumped me.
What kind of advice columnist are you anyway?
7: I would love to believe this is the answer, but these past months in an LTR, I have not been making an effort to look nice on a daily basis. I don't think I'm crushworthy enough to inspire that much hatred.
Oh okay I get it. Nevermind 9.
Why not just say, normally and casually (but seriously): "You were joking the other night about the racist thing, right? I assumed so, but I couldn't really tell."
I don't see anything hard/weird/offensive/uncomfortable about that.
I don't see anything hard/weird/offensive/uncomfortable about that.
It depends on how he is likely to react, though. Not knowing this guy, I obviously don't know how he would react to this, but from the description his behavior definitely sounds strange enough to raise the possibility that it could get uncomfortable.
Decades of experience of every sort of housemate and roomate have taught me this: there is no price too high to pay to live by one's self.
It is better to live on the damn street than to believe in that goddam seductive ad about how great a set a roomate/housemates you'll have.
Is the cost three times as high to live in a closet as to live with those fantastically compatibly people who are exactly like you?
Pay it.
Is it six times more expensive?
Pay it.
Is it 24 times as expensive?
Pay it.
I'm 47. You're not. Don't go through all those years to find this out. Pay it.
Buy me a drink when we meet, out of your weeping gratitude.
I would love to believe this is the answer, but these past months in an LTR, I have not been making an effort to look nice on a daily basis. I don't think I'm crushworthy enough to inspire that much hatred.
Your response makes me even more sure. I'm guessing you're hot. I've had a couple good looking female friends who sound just like this. "But I've been going out without makeup!" Hot women with no makeup in jeans and a t-shirt are still hot.
I've seen this scenario play out before. I'm still betting this dude wants you.
I agree with 13. Roomates suck balls. And not in the wizard cocksucker sense.
In light of 14, I think the best course of action would be to tell him you'll fuck him if he promises to never call you a racist again.
Seriously, though, I think gswift's scenario makes a lot of sense.
#5: I wasn't accusing you; I was just saying, either he's right, or he's wrong. BFD. In either case, he was being a dick.
11: In part because I just won't see him alone for a while, maybe for weeks. I don't know that I really need advice; I just felt like telling this story in my new silly format. But if you have any you can give it. The problem is, if he was serious, and I think e may have been, then I'll wind up in this position of arguing my virtue from my opinions on Idol contestants. I loved Paris when she auditioned, I'll say. Mandisa is my favorite woman. I think Lisa was the most gracious of the final 12! I think Kellie pretents to be authentic, when really she is nothing but schtick! Chris lookes like a little turtle popping out of his shell when he sings. Ace...well...Ace embarrasses the angels.
Sure, I could also point out the theoretical illegitimacy of his conclusions, but either way I'm going to come off kind of stupid and defensive. The sheer absurdity of it makes it hard to seriously engage with.
I knew what you were saying B, I just wanted to make it clear that I know that a) I am racist in some ways and b) it wasn't relevant here. If y'all want a true racist confession, I'll give you one: Next week I have a Boggle date with the black coworker I vented to today, but only after she mentioned that she and her friends had regular Boggle and Taboo dates did I realize she was good friend material, in spite of the fact that she is warm, expressive, funny, and friendly and we've been sitting together for two months. I think I would have come to the conclusion that we should be friends much more quickly than I did if she'd been white and a Wellesley alum.
Is she, then, not a Wellesley alum at all? Or merely not a white one?
You're reaction is obviously understandable. If I had a female roommate who said I was sexist, I'd be irritated. I might worry that she was right, and think about my recent actions. And then I'd probably decide to discount what she said because she was fat.
If I had a male roommate who said I was sexist, I'd move straight to the "fat ass" defense.
Unless he invites you to the local Klan dance, I'd decide not to worry about it. If he sees you enough in the future, he'll sort it out.
She's not a Wellesley alum. I meant to point out that she's a different race and from a different social milieu, and both were affecting my judgments.
20- I would definitely NOT argue with him about this. If he was serious, then he's drawing unreasonable conclusions on very little evidence. And he's probably a judgmental ass. And you certainly have no need to apologize or defend yourself.
And if he was joking, then he's say so and you could stop worrying about this.
At least if you asked you'd know for sure one way or the other.
(And I really don't understand why you can't see him alone. Don't you live with him??? Go knock on his bedroom door. Then say the things I wrote above, prefaced with "This isn't really a big deal, and you may think I'm silly for even bringing it up, but something's been bothering me a little bit and I just wanted to get it out in the open."
Again, this seems like basic interpersonal communication 101. I'm really having trouble understanding the difficulty you're perceiving here. Maybe there's some complexity about the situation I'm missing.
The 10mm Colt sidearm might not be an ideal long-distance weapon, and it's certainly no sniper's rifle, but it has the advantages of low weight and quicker target acquisition. You can reliably engage aggressors at ranges of 30 meters and more. Use a two-handed grip and brace the barrel against a tree, or use your dive tanks and rebreather as an improvised bench rest. Don't worry about "stopping power": One of those 10mm slugs opens up to about 70 caliber when it hits, leaving an exit wound you could toss a cat through, and bringing so much energy to a target that a hit in the extremities is often enough to drop Ivan in his tracks.
26- I hadn't even considered the 10mm Colt sidearm as a potential solution here. Tia - this is clearly the most effective way to get your point across.
24: That's what I thought. I was just puzzled by your naming a specific school.
Cusper's got a point. At 30 meters, stopping power shouldn't be a concern with a 10mm.
Urple, the complexity comes from the layout of the apartment and our schedules. The apartment is really a spacious two bedroom that's been chopped up in various ways to accomodate five people. There is generally someone in the living room for the entire time this guy could be presumed to be awake, since he goes to bed early, and people hang out in the living room because that's where they can watch TV and sponge off the neighbors' wireless. Even if I went into his room and closed the door, our entire conversation would be easily audible from the living room, since the doors are very thin and there is no sound privacy. In order to have a conversation about this with my now ex-boyfriend in my own room, I got under two blankets.
I pay 580 to live in a nice neighborhood that's very convenient to transportation, okay.
Quit watching fucking TV.
Also, take on the moniker "Little Miss Thing II".
Also, did you know that most problems occur close to home? Quit staying at home. Your own story made it clear that that's the whole problem. You'd never made that mistake before.
the doors are very thin and there is no sound privacy
So the dude who secretly wants you has been listening to you bang your boyfriend for months. Awesome.
I agree with Gary Farber 13, but Gary and I are seriously fucked.
In the literal sense of "not-fucked", of course.
30- okay Tia, I give up. But I really think you're overthinking this whole thing. I honestly can't believe it's that hard to have a semi-private conversation with one of your roomates. (And so what if it's not totally private? I understand this may not be something you'd want to bring up while everyone's sitting around the breakfast table, but if someone overhears some of what you say in his bedroom? Who cares?)
To me, if I was troubled by what he said I'd go and talk to him about it. It sounds like that process (which I think you're making artifically complex, but...) would end up troubling you more than what he said in the first place, so I guess your best bet is just to forget it and move on. No sense to stew on it.
Or you could shoot him with a 10mm Colt sidearm. Either way.
No! My ex-boyfriend's neighbors have been listening to that, at least after I went off the pill. I don't, however, know how the couple that lives here manage, because if they were making *any* noise, I'd hear them. Maybe they're really upset that I'm going to be around more.
Anyway, gswift, my current appearance issues go far beyond makeup. I haven't gotten a haircut in 10 months. I look bedraggled. I know that people think I look bad when I go for long periods without haircuts, I've gotten comments after haircuts that basically told me as much. I've also been wearing really unflattering clothes. I really and truly don't think that's it.
Yeah, I agree with Urple. Don't argue with him. Not because he's unreasonable, but because, by definition, any "I am not a racist! See? I like so and so, she's black!" argument is just ridiculous. I'd totally act as if I'd forgotten the conversation and/or written it off as him simply being an ass, and if he brings it up again, I'd just say, "yeah, whatever dude, thanks for your concern."
It may be that he doesn't actually want you, but gswift is right:
I have not been making an effort to look nice on a daily basis
is not always going to prevent crushes, especially if they grow out of everyday/ordinary interaction.
"if they grow out of everyday/ordinary interaction" s/b "if you're hott"
Or rather, I agreed with what Urple said in 25. He seems to have moved on to a "discuss this" position, which I think is completely wrong.
37 gets it exactly right, of course, but 38 may be more apposite.
But seriously, I agree with B: if you have no reason to pay attention to his opinions and you aren't worried about specifically what he said to you, it's probably best not to make a big deal out of it. But it does suck to have that sense of coldness with a roommate.
39 - My position is more accurately characterized as: discuss this if it's something that's genuinely bothering you, which it seemed to be. This position is premised on the fact that said discussion doesn't in any way need to be difficult or uncomfortable, and I can't see any reason why it would be.
And "discuss" is actually too strong a word. "Ask" is better. Hopefully, he'd say "yeah I was just joking -- sorry -- I didn't mean to bother you." Otherwise he was serious, in which case you just say "whatever". Basically: he was either (a) joking or (b) he is an ass. Since he's your roomate, there might be some value in finding out which is true. Especially if, in the absence of finding out directly, you're going to waste time with stress and worry about which it is/what he thinks of you.
In a perfect world, I'd say this comment shouldn't be something that bothers you, but that didn't seem to be Tia's situation.
37: I know, but I can't conceive of any aspect to our interactions that would compensate for what a ragamuffin I am right now. Really, I barely know him. I forgot his name for a period of weeks. Calling him Adam was sort of a joke, because that's what I tentatively settled on before scrolling through my phone book one day and realizing his name was Dave. I also don't think my personality, casually perceived by someone I don't have much in common with, would inspire crushes.
I also don't think my personality, casually perceived
Maybe your ass?
And it bothers me because I like to be friendly with people I live with. If it were some random person, I'd say what the fuck ever.
You think you can predict/assess what other people are going to crush on?
See, understand the sentiment in 45. Which brings me back to 11. Something doesn't click here. Either you want to be friendly with him, in which case I don't see what's hard about asking him so there's no lingering weirdness between you, or you don't really care, in which case I don't see why this is bothering you.
I get a sense of types, and types that might be interested in me. I don't think he would be.
43: Right, that's why I said that he, particularly, may not want you, but as a general rule, the reasons you gave before are not always going to be sufficient to prevent crushes. The reasons you've given now are more convincing and if it turns out that somehow he does have a crush on you, you can point out that he barely even knows you (in addition to his being really irritating).
I should go to bed, folks. Thanks for the help!
Actually, the obvious solution is to invite your new friend over to play Boggle.
#50
Attractive roomates are everybody's type.
To me, what's also conspicously missing from Tia's denials are things like, "he has a girlfriend", or "that couldn't be it, he's dating all the time."
As Tbogg would say, it's time for Noonan's law.
Is it irresponsible to speculate? It is irresponsible not to.
I'm guessing the asshole roomate doesn't get much action with the ladies, probably because of the whole "asshole" thing. His primary exposure to females is his 20 something roomate, who by her own admission is indifferent to him to the point that she forgot his name.
I think he was joking, but if he wasn't, his behaviour seems too weird and random.
Maybe he's a big weirdo, and his behavior in general will be bizarre and unpredictable? You'd think Tia would have picked up on that before, but sometimes you don't.
Hypothesis: He's of the can't-bear-to-be-wrong type (a variety of the male ass). The first comment was just one of thouse stupid foot in mouth things, and once he realised that he'd been dumb, he was constitutionally unable to disengage at all gracefully.
In which case you should do nothing, and it'll blow over. And then something else will blow up. c'est la vie with asses.
That fit the facts?
I second both the boggle idea and the crush.
i third. and at this stage, it's best just to forget everything and not spend any time thinking about it - both for your own sake and roommate-relations' sake - because being a roommate does sometimes situationally bring out the Crazy in people and it's best not to encourage that by magnifying the issue.
Tia, I am totally on this page. Two years ago I moved out of a Brooklyn apartment where I lived with a guy who decided that, because I was in academia, I was obviously a bourgeois white supremacist. (Nevermind the fact that he had no non-white people in his social circle, while mine is diverse, to use a flawed but perhaps relevant argument.) I taught (for 11K/yr) in a college where about 3% of the students are white, so he saw me as some kind of linguistic imperialist, making money by robbing minorities of their lovely ethnicisms. I argued that I was the one doing something to help people get jobs and a leg up in society. (My roommate was a jobless mooch, so this maybe stung.) It eventually made living with him intolerable and, as Gary Farber suggests one must, I moved to a studio in Park Slope. If you're looking to move out and get a roommate, an extremely nice and smart friend of mine (clean, responsible, loves American Idol) is maybe looking for a no-frills roommate. She's an African-American from Kansas, 26.
She's an African-American from Kansas, 26.
But is she from Wellesley, or some such similar?
You know, AWB's story reminds me of an argument I got into on the bus once. I was looking through some book on encounter narratives or something, and was accosted and asked what I teach, told it was undoubtedly Eurocentric, I agreed and said that a number of scholars are, in fact, working on opening up the canon, he asked for examples, I offered them, he was contemptuous of my examples, etc. etc.
The amusing thing about it, though, was that I could feel these vibes of support from the other black people on the bus, and I got a couple of approving smiles once we reached my stop. Dunno if it was b/c they thought the guy was an ass, b/c I had taken his asshole arguments seriously, b/c it had been an interesting discussion, or what, but all in all it was more enjoyable than not, although very squirm-inducing at the moment.
Then again, of course, I wasn't living with him.
Let me second everyone who recommends not worrying about it -- while it's perfecly possible that you have some racist stuff going on, most people do, this guy's opinion is worthless and getting bent out of shape on the basis of a worthless opinion is going to make it less, rather than more, likely that you'll straighten yourself out in any way you may actually need to.
I will again be consistent by advising open hostility -- you hear a similar crack out of him again, try this: "It's... SENSITIVE WHITE GUY! Able to identify cryptoracism in friends and coworkers in a single bound!" Or something funnier, but you get the idea. Pointing and laughing should also help.
I don't approve of all this gun nuttery upthread.
I only had one really good roommate (my now mostly silent co-blogger, Froz Gobo), and shared places on three separate occasions through college. Most of the rest of my roommate experiences were of the friendship-damaging variety.
either punch him or shag him, one or the other.
either punch him or shag him, one or the other.
Typical European. Here in God's country, those aren't mutually exclusive options, Taffy.
I have no comments on the problem itself other than that the flatmate sounds like an asshole.
However, I shared flats all through my twenties and I had very few negative experiences. I had a great time sharing a place with other people and most of my ex-flatmates are people I still think of as good friends, Maybe my experiences are atypical but I really liked sharing with other people.
I had one horrendous experience -- having to stop a rape happening in a house I shared -- but other than that one experience, I'd go back to sharing again if I ever had to.
As regards 53/58, inviting your black friend over in order to demonstrate to your roommate that you are not a racist has all the hallmarks of a horrible, horrible idea.
Who said anything about the roommate? It would probably be best to do it when he's not around.
Oh I see, misunderstood your earlier post then. Agreed that Boggle is fun, doubly so when played with a friend.
We lost some of our cubes and can no longer play a meaningful game of Boggle. I want to buy a new set but have not got around to it yet. Sylvia is learning to play Scrabble! She will be ready to think about Boggle in a year or two!
That's too bad about the cubes. I hope you get a new set by the time Sylvia's ready to play; I remember playing Boggle on family trips when I was a kid.
Boggle is the best! But only Big Boggle. Little Boggle is for little minds.
you hear a similar crack out of him again, try this: "It's... SENSITIVE WHITE GUY! Able to identify cryptoracism in friends and coworkers in a single bound!"
That's the best advice I've heard yet.
My Boggle set was totally getting in my face, so I shot it with my 10mm Colt sidearm.
Wise. Let the Boggle set get uppity, and the next thing you know, the Uno cards are circling around behind you...
Why has no one noted how crazy 13 is? It's an argument that no one prefers living with roomates to living solo, irrelevant of their age. The fact that Gary was repeatedly in bad roommate situatios can't be rlevant
It may be that the guy's attracted, and has pent up frustration, or is a political snob.
But if the guy is very shy, or withdrawn---and since you didn't know much about him, he sounds as though he is---you might have been mistaking great reserve on his part for serious intent. He may have been joking with you, teasing you actually, but was unable to express the accompanying emotional cues one would look for in that situation. So instead of hearing a very dry irony, you heard a very strange accusation.
An easy to confirm this is to ask him.
82: Ditto.
83: I doubt it. This sounds like twerpishness, not buried attraction, and if it were buried attraction it wouldn't be the kind to dig up.
81: I agree. I've always liked roommates.
I'm a little taken aback by the certainty people feel about whether the guy is crushing on her or not. That would still be my guess. I said lots of awkward and assholeish things to those I had crushes on when I didn't know how to talk to people; that's why I think I recognise the pattern. And since I could never have predicted who and what about them attracted me, I'm amazed at the assertion that people have it all figured out who's the type and who isn't.
Judo chop, obviously. Accompanied by exclamation "Christ! What an asshole!" which turns out to be right for many real-life occasions, as well as all New Yorker cartoons.
Here's the update: he's been normal enough this weekend that I think he may have been joking. I neglected to mention in my "Dear Tia" letter that he also seemed really tired, so that may have accounted for his inability to deliver the joke right. The reason I thought he might have been serious was because usually he seems a very normal, socially graceful person, so I didn't think he would give off such a bizarre hostile vibe without intending to. I saw Graham this weekend, and he'd also decided he was crushing, and I was like, what is it with you people? Must you read sex into everything?
I have to second LB's advice. Don't worry about bringing it up again, but if there's another time where he seems to get weird on you at all, bring it up right then, in a funny-but-not-joking kind of way.
I will admit that I once pointed out someone else's cryptoracism in an even more ridiculous manner than via American Idol. I realized later that it was because I was annoyed at him for other reasons, and was trying to get him to stop writing to me.
At the time, I was convinced he was racist or cryptically racist, because it suited me to think so. He had a tremendous crisis of confidence based on my remarks, and I came to feel terrible about having said it.
The guy had a brother who died in the World Trade Center. So around September 11th, in the midst of the general doom and weirdness, I was thinking about the cryptoracist episode and cringing.