I now know why Colbert has special pants made with the crotch seam eight inches lower than normal.
He's related to Lyndon Johnson?
I think this was so spectacular that it's totally worth two posts.
Colbert is God. Here's the transcript I did, including a transcript of Colbert's "press secretary audition tape." (This is repeated from the post below, for those who read the comments to this post instead of that one.)
Colbert is the only justification that South Carolina will ever need to be spared my awful wrath.
Colbert was ok, but the Bush sketch was pretty funny also.
The youtube version is less likely to be slowloading.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=lcIRXur61II
(This is not repeated from the post below, beacause this post is the best post.)
Speaking of Tim's awful wrath, has anyone else noticed the recent flurry of ads selling drugs to help men "go"? With their difficulties "going", or else their having to "go" too frequently? I'm glad we're finally able to frankly and openly discuss older men's problems making wee-wee.
Now, wondering what happens if you take Flomax and Flonase at the same time.
Mad flow?
That's wizard cockflow-er.
As opposed to, say, a peonie.
NP: Benny and the Jets.
Your resistance is hopeless, Number One.
my ancestral manse is in SC, so you'd best be sparing it, SCMT. also, I too want to have Colbert's babies.
Who's baby will it be again?
Who's baby will it be again?
COLBERT'S!
Good god man, can you not READ???!!1??
If you would have not keeping to get cheese poof crumbs on you're keyboard we would have not being to have such a feral apostrophe problem.
If you would have not keeping to get cheese poof crumbs on you're keyboard we would have not being to have such a feral apostrophe problem.
"cheesey poof"
Proofread, Standpipe, proofread!
20: SB, was that hating on the "would have" subjunctive or were you just making fun of automated comments. It also bears a striking reemblance to the Chinese translation that Apostropher was showcasing on his blog.
19:
I just wanted to make sure we were all in agreement that the baby belongs to the man.
I set out to hate on the "would have" subjunctive, but ended up hating in a less focused way.
""would have" subjunctive" s/b "feral apostrophe"
I just wanted to make sure we were all in agreement that the baby belongs to the man.
Of course it does. How could it not? Everyone knows the homunculus is in the sperm, and the woman is but an empty vessel. Why even waste time discussing such a settled thing?
The sperm is the homonculus. It climbs into the egg and settles down in the canvas director's chair and realizes its destiny as the body's metteur en scène. Everyone, applaud your spermonculus, for you are nothing without him.
Don't applaud your spermonculus too much, though, or you may go blind.
Hey, y'all wanna start stepping up and doing most of the childcare, keeping track of the school crap and babysitters' phone numbers, scheduling the well child visits, quitting work to stay home during infancy and cutting back at work in order to stay home when school-aged kids are sick, and we'll be good.
Hey, y'all wanna start stepping up and doing most of the childcare, keeping track of the school crap and babysitters' phone numbers, scheduling the well child visits, quitting work to stay home during infancy and cutting back at work in order to stay home when school-aged kids are sick, and we'll be good.
Depends on how much it pays.
29: Who is this "y'all" you're addressing (asks the guy who spent the whole weekend alone with a sick baby and a bored-to-death eight-year-old)?
Ah ha! So now there are terms for default custody. Well, this certainly is a new thing, and I, for one, am all for it.
Jesus fucking Christ, CCP, the reason Alameida says "I want to have Colbert's babies" instead of "I want to have my babies" is that it was already clear that the babies would be Alameida's, from the fact that she was having them.
I, too, would volunteer to have Colbert's babies. That was amazing. (I'm actually only one friend removed from him -- the mother of a kid Sally and Newt know from the playground is an actress who's worked with him a fair amount. So I can pass on any reproductive offers through her.)
31: Dude. I would sympathize wholeheartedly, except that that weekend was probably still more fun than spending it with a bunch of ego-inflated litigators bucking for partner. But a sick baby is almost as bad.
34: LB, I have a fresh, unsullied uterus. It's never been used to carry the seed of any other man, unlike alameida's used uterus. Make sure he knows that when you submit my offer.
33: Dude, I'm trying to pick a pointless fight here, and you're completely fucking with my shit.
Shit disturbing aside though: I've always cringed at that expression. I'm not even sure why "I'm having his baby" as opposed to "I'm having a baby with him" has always sat wrong with me.
I have a fresh, unsullied uterus. It's never been used to carry the seed of any other man, unlike alameida's used uterus.
But maybe Colbert prefers the peace of mind that comes with a product that has already been tested and proven sound.
Precisely. I have pictoral evidence (which everyone at the Chicago meetup saw) that I can bear Colbert strong, healthy babies, capable of abusing politicians with verve and vigor.
37: Ok. The expression strikes me as funny too when used unironically, but I get a bit twitchy around default custody jokes.
39: You showed everyone pictures of your kids abusing politicians? You definitely win.
Precisely. I have pictoral evidence (which everyone at the Chicago meetup saw) that I can bear Colbert strong, healthy babies, capable of abusing politicians with verve and vigor.
You mispelled "pectoral".
40: Understood. That was a reference to an old and very very long fight between bitchphd and myself. There were many tears.
Nonsense! A uterus' history with baby production is no guarantee of future performance. In fact, as uteri get tired, they are more likely to produce Republican babies, which is precisely why he should pick me.
They weren't abusing politicians, but clearly displayed the capacity to.
31: I'm well aware that there are men who do all those things--I'm married to one of 'em. By "y'all," I clearly meant, "as the rule, rather than the exception."
32: Those *are* the terms for default custody nowadays. Used to be that the kids were the man's regardless; nowadays the presumption is that the woman is the primary caregiver. This presumption is usually correct. But as far as I know, custody, where contested, generally goes to the primary caregiver regardless of gender; if I divorce Mr. B., he's likely to get it, what with having been the at-home dad for the last three years. (LB, isn't this correct?)
I don't have any legal knowledge here -- I've never done family law - but my impression is that you're right. (Actually, my impression is that there's an overreaction in that direction; that a man who's been a primary caregiver effectively gets a stronger presumption in favor of custody than a woman. But I haven't much basis for this, it's just an impression.)
Talking about uteruses, did anyone watch the episode of Gray's Anatomy that was on last night?
That was a reference to an old and very very long fight between bitchphd and myself. There were many tears.
I'm in favor of intelligent discussion of issues, but I'm against reviving up old and long fights if it can be avoided. It leads to bad blood and makes a blog a worser place to be.
49 -> 47. Though I'm not yet in favor of intelligent discussion, either.
In fact, as uteri get tired, they are more likely to produce Republican babies, which is precisely why he should pick me.
Nonsense! Uteri don't get tired, they get seasoned, like cast-iron skillets.
like cast-iron skillets
Wow, and the girls walk around with those things all day long? No wonder they get cranky.
45: When a baby is born in a hospital, unless someone shows up with a court order, the baby is passed over to the mother. That’s what I mean by default custody. I’m not arguing it; merely stating it. The horror is returning! I remember now. We were arguing about child support in cases where the father didn’t want to child. Oh ya. Good times.
You season the placenta, M@tch.
Fine, and you bring the wine.
You cried? Huh.
Aren't you going to call him a whiny ass titty baby now?
like cast-iron skillets
Seems like that would make the cramping much, much worse.
I'm a bit surprised that the ungoggedtariat is engaging CCP in conversation. I wouldn't do that.
59: Why not? He came in somewhat irritatingly in the other thread, but he's being perfectly reasonable here.
As whatever fraction of the owner around here I am (10%? Ish? Depending on how many of the other posters count as active?) I like having disagreements -- without that, there's not all that much to talk about.
54: Isn't that simply because the baby *came out* of the mother, and it's therefore given a hospital bracelet that matches hers *immediately*? In other words, there is proof and a record of the child's maternity. Paternity, on the other hand, is generally a question of simply saying so. Dads don't get checked into hospitals, and generally speaking there's not definitive proof of their paternity: most of the time, moms and dads assume that a woman's partner is the father, but even if a woman knows she hasn't fucked anyone else in the last year, the guy doesn't know *for sure*, and the hospital sure doesn't.
48: it's ok... it was a healthy discussion actually.
56: Do you find it hard to believe that I would cry? It could happen.
Seems like that would make the cramping much, much worse.
Helps ward off the anaemia, though.
62: No. I was trying to imply that you're a whiny ass baby.
Bitch can't bring herself to type the word titty.
Leaving off the titties of course.
As whatever fraction of the owner
Who gets Unfogged in a custody battle?
Who gets Unfogged in a custody battle?
Mickey Kaus.
65: I typed it in the other thread, but yeah, generally, you're right.
64: Well, now my feelings are hurt. I like to think I merit adulthood. Unless... Imean... this isn't a fanatasy kind of thing is it?
60: I didn't really come in irritatingly at all. About the third or forth post I took part in, I took a shot at bitchphd, because, well, I do that. But, no one here knew that we knew each other, so, of course, I was heavily attacked for it. I, being dim-witted, didn’t think of it that way, so it just seemed like I was being attacked unfairly. So, I attacked back. If you want to hate me for that; that’s fine. If authors here want me to leave, I will. Without fuss. Just give me word.
Labs, obviously, since he's the only remaining biological parent: the other bloggers nowadays are all adoptive.
Labs wasn't one of the original three.
68:
The one who changed the diapers.
Give me 'the' word. Not just word. That would be wierd.
The one who changed the diapers
Seems like Becks does the closest equivalent, nowadays at least...
71: Absolutely, definitely, unequivocally NOT.
And you were too being irritating.
73: In that case it'll be a long and ugly battle.
77: ok good. It was getting a little wierd there for a minute.
In that case it'll be a long and ugly battle
Do happily married people have this sort of discussion? It seems it would be both practical (versus a later, unexpected heated and emotional debate) and yet incrediby awkward (and thus unlikely). As a bachelor sans children (that I know of), I wouldn't know...
79: Christ. Now I need to go take a shower.
80: Yes. At least, Mr. B. and I do sometimes. But I imagine that theoretical discussions in the context of a happy marriage are no predictor of future performance, should things disintegrate.
60:
No, you were being irritating generally, not just in your comments directed at B. On the other hand, I'm one of the authors here, and I'm not telling you to leave, and I haven't seen any other poster tell you to leave either -- being irritating doesn't get you banned around here.
LB, you're such a softie.
Attention tedious people: please comment less. Thank you!
So was the Bridgeplatic register exhausted.
Hey, I'm mean and nasty and argumentative. But I can't be argumentative without anyone to argue with, now, can I?
83: Well, I'm sorry you felt that way. And, I wouldn't tell you to leave either (not that it would matter if I did).
81: Meh-ha. Wierd sex always trumps demeaning insults.
84 confuses me.
85: We can't all be as perpetually witty as you, SB.
88: Apo was asking you if you were of two minds about anal sex. So I was pretending that 82 was how you felt about anal sex.
There is not being as witty as SB, and then there is something else.
B, my own comments recently have been tedious, or haven't you noticed? Who here wants to chart my decline into bitterness and disaffection? You would rather eat cold Dinty Moore beef stew.
Also, to the generic reader of this comment, in all likelihood I'm not referring to you (in my previous comment). As you were.
89: Aha. Funny. Sorry I'm slow.
91: You're never tedious, SB! Anyway, bitterness and disaffection are très amusant.
I hate Dinty Moore, though. It smells like dog food.
I'd let that Plame light my candle any day of the week. She can remain undercover with me, if you know what I'm saying.
I wouldn't mind a NOC on wood, if you get my drift.
What I'm really saying is, I'd like to insert my aluminum tube in her centrifuge and together we'll enrich some uranium until the night glows radioactive green.
I'd like to have sex with her. That's my point.
Oh Tia and your mad punning skillz:
Help a brother out!
NB: The above entreaty would contain a link to a certain apostropher thread, 'buccept apostropher seems to be down right now.
I contributed! I contributed a lot. What are you on right now anyway? I didn't really feel like porn title bands, then I noticed you had moved on to morbidly obese bands, which I might be interested in. What's the current theme?
I'd knowingly disclose to her. I can't figure out whether Tia's making fun of me or not.
Okay! Well Valerie Plame can be the spy who shagged me! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
bitterness and disaffection are très amusant.
Other people's, maybe.
Also morbidly obese Jewish tribute bands.
And in case I didn't do so before, Tia, a hearty thanks for all your earlier contributions.
Now give some more, dammit.
I didn't really feel like porn title bands
But you get all into teh dirty talk about spies? Please explain.
But to the rest of us, you are other people. So, bitter, yes, disaffected, yes, but still sparklingly entertaining.
But to the rest of us, you are other people.
You're assuming facts not in evidence.
bitterness and disaffection are très amusant.
Other people's, maybe.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
There is no Standpipe but Standpipe and his name is Bridgeplate.
But to the rest of us, you are other people. So, bitter, yes, disaffected, yes, but still sparklingly entertaining.
Yeah, Standpipe, stop being so selfish and thinking only about your Standpipeself all the time!
There's no rhyme or reason, M/tch, it's just my caprice. Would it make you happy if I made a midget spy joke?
Uh...
um...
Oh well, back to sex. Niger*? I don't even know her!
*I know this is not the right pronunciation.
Although it could work in the accent of Rene the French Fighter Pilot.
Niger? I don't even know air!
I don't see why you have to draw such a sharp distinction between midget spies and sex like that. Seems awfully prejudiced.
But regardless, I'm dying to see what you'll come up with for "yellowcake".
M/itch, now who's refusing to contribute? Make the joke your own damn self.
I'm not saying I won't contribute. I just want you to show yours first.
Okay, here's a midget spy joke:
Why did Valerie Plame send Joe Wilson to find the yellowcake?*
Because it was on the top shelf!
AWB just put up a
on how to take Colbert.
Dan Froomkin of the Washington Post says, “Daily Kos blogger Frederick seems to have the most extensive transcript of Colbert’s talk.
Okay, here's a midget spy joke:
But what about the sex, Tia?
You're definitely a heightist.
What LB said, SB.
But we're all good imaginary friends here. Feel free to share the causes of your bitterness and disaffection, I'm sure we'd all be happy to listen and offer (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))).
119 -- Froomkin then failed to add, "READIN blogger The Modesto Kid was not on the ball and did not compile any transcript at all."
(I just want equal attention paid to my shortcomings, as to other people's achievements.)
Feel free to share the causes of your bitterness and disaffection
I did, in 85.
I'm sure we'd all be happy to listen and offer (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))).
bitchphd is banned!
(I just want equal attention paid to my shortcomings, as to other people's achievements.)
Felicitations!
Somebody tell me when it's over.
125: Oh, well, if you're only bitter b/c the rest of us are too blabby, then phhhttttbbbbb.
And I so knew that that would be ban-worthy. Heh.
Only wait, we don't ban people any more for being irritating.
We need to replace the wit of the staircase with the wit of the post button. What's French for "post button"?
JM, sitting at her ordinateur, or whatever, would know. I'll be bummed if it's "post button."
I don't know, actually, not having read many French blogs, but I'm going to guess that "le bouton 'post'" would do fine, seeing as most French bloggers seem to use English-language software.