I believe other things may be included in the package as well, but I'm not clear on what they consist of.
Usually a lovely lunch, having odd [and somewhat disgusting] substances patted all over one's body in the hopes they will rejuvenate one better than bathing in virgin's blood [a rare commodity these days], endless offers of herbal tea and, if one is lucky, dancing boys. If anybody mentions "Brazil", run. If they suggest hot rocks on your back, say yes; it's quite soothing.
in the hopes they will rejuvenate one better than bathing in virgin's blood
But it's been working so well up till now, and it is how my clients prefer to pay. If seaweed turns out to be preferable, what will I do with all the sacrificial victims?
I'll be interested in your detection of the attitudinal sales pitches, if any, A White Bear has described being trained for.
If Bear's descriptions are accurate, they shouldn't be hard to detect.
halfway through my biblically allotted lifespan
Another reason why atheists live longer.
Be sure to ask for the "happy ending."
how my clients prefer to pay.
I once had a client pay me with q-p-q work on my car, calculating the parts at wholesale. [Anyone who's dealt with them German furrin cars would appreciate that.] Few have offered blood sacrifices, tho' one did offer me her son.
Another reason why atheists live longer.
But every supernumerary year is a slap in the face of God; He only gets angrier and angrier as you keep Him waiting.
A friend used to work as an admin for an incredibly sleazy guy, who once told her to find him a masseuse to come up to his office and give him a massage. "But make sure that it's someone who just does massages -- I don't want a hand job, just a back rub." My friend started calling services from the Yellow Pages, and found that it was actually rather difficult to get the point across clearly, because people selling sexual services interpreted the question as a reason to go into "Nudge nudge, wink wink, of course we don't do anything like that," and it was hard to distinguish them from people genuinely not selling sex.
So she made an appointment, guessing the best she could, and a woman came up, and went into the boss's office. A while later, she left, and the boss came out. "You know, turned out she was a hooker, after all. So I took the hand job."
"You know, turned out she was a hooker, after all. So I took the hand job."
I thought I'd worked for sleazeballs, but that guy takes the fondant-iced cake.
Happy Birthday!
Weird. Hookers will back massages, if you want them.
Happy Birthday L B!
10, 11: Thanks. I'm working on not feeling elderly. Until I succeed, I want alla you kids off my lawn!
9: Oh my god, that's quite a story.
I have a massage therapist. It's one of my few indulgences. I've always wondered but have never had the guts to ask how often she finds herself in uncomfortable situations with clients.
I also had a friend whose wife was training to become a massage therapist. I said, wow, that's really great for you, huh? And he said, "cobbler's children never have shoes."
ugh. "Cobblers'..."
And happy birthday!
There are two different tracks for massage, and they advertise in different places. There's really no confusion of function, because each specialty has its own qualifications. To my knowledge, in the US there are few or no dual-purpose masseuses / masseurs, though I suppose that there are always exceptions. It's possible that a few very high-class prostitute types put in the effort to learn the other stuff (which isn't easy) in order to put their fees through the ceiling.
Rates for prostitutes are much higher, so there'd be a comparative advantage thing. A dual purpose masseuse would have no reason to do legit massage except as a cover story.
Though I suppose some guys might pay a hefty chunk more to hire a prostitute who could also do massage, haircutting, nailclipping, etc., I think is the way it's done in Japan.
LB -- happy perfectly square birthday! They get fewer and farther between as time passes.
You should get a pedicure with pretty polish. Happy Birthday!
You're jumping the gun a year.
Clearly not up on your Bible reading.
Oh -- for some reason I thought you meant you had completed the 35th year of your life.
But come to think of it, at your thirty-fifth birthday you have lived thirty-five years. For some reason I thought at that point you were embarking upon your thirty-fifth year.
So, a "friend" of mine is hosting a party in a few weeks. He has more money than he knows what to do with, so his parties are generally ludicrously lavish and decadent. This party's theme is "exotica" or something, and so he's planning to do the whole "eat sushi off a naked lady" thing. He plans to advertise on Craigslist for college students willing to serve as the "platters."
Unsanitary and degrading? Or not?
(Oh, and happy birthday, LB.)
Is this a trick question?
Unsanitary and degrading, absolutely. Jeez.
Happy birthday, LB! Enjoy the pampering. I envy you desperately.
Spa Day
Spelled "Spade".
Nails through the forehead: bloody and painful? or not?
For the love of god, mrh, there's a thread around here about people being grossed out and scared by bachelor party strippers, and the "platter thing," I'm pretty sure, would be just as disturbing. Actually, pictures that I've seen of it are even more disturbing than plain old stripping because the women are being converted into actual objects, both in idea and in the fact that they aren't allowed to move, which is really creepy when you think about it. So talk your friend out of it, or don't go. It's one thing to oppress bitchphd on the internet, but it's another to be party to using real women as dinnerware.
Happy birthday. If you're trying to feel young, you're not yet twice the age you were when you could legally vote.
How weak was that?
Hey, whoa, I'm as grossed out as you were. But apparently, I'm the first person he described this idea to who reacted negatively, so I wanted to make sure I'm not crazy.
I'm not crazy, and I'm not going to the freaky naked sushi party.
Nails through the forehead: bloody and painful? or not?
It's a shame you had to undercut a strong case with a bad analogy.
In retrospect, I should have phrased my question as, "Am I the only one who thinks this is unsanitary and degrading, etc." Won't make that mistake again!
So, a "friend" of mine is hosting a party in a few weeks. He has more nails than he knows what to do with…
27: No, no, it's pronounced [spade].
Sigh.
Nude women should not be used as dinnerware between Memorial day and Labor Day.
It's only a faux pas to use white women as dinnerware after Labor Day.
Holy crap, "Smooth Operator" is older than teofilo. Where did this lawn come from, and why are there so many kids on it?
"Da Doo Ron Ron" is older than me.
Where did this lawn come from, and why are there so many kids on it?
I thought ogged and the other Mexicans planted it on the cheap.
Right before they corrupted all our institutions.
Happy Birthday, LB! Anyone making you a gorgeous cake?
Speaking of good cake, one of the many things I miss about New York is Black Hound. For about a month in the summer of 2004 I lived a block or so away. Not cheap, but really really good.
SB:
Did your recently go through a breakup? (Whenever someone mentions Sade, I assume a breakup.) If so, my condolences.
"Whenever someone mentions Sade"? You mean people have heard of this person?
People other than you and Standpipe, that is.
Good lord, the youngsters. I don't think it was possible to live on earth in 1984 and not hear "Smooth Operator" at least 200 times.
Tim? Standpipe? I propose we get all Becks on teo's ass.
Either that or all get Becks style, your choice.
I don't think it was possible to live on earth in 1984 and not hear "Smooth Operator" at least 200 times.
I'm going to have to trust you on that, old man.
(I was actually living on earth for part of 1984. But not much.)
I remember Sade was on SNL a few weeks before prom. My prom date and I were watching it for some reason along with another couple, and my prom date didn't know who Sade was, and kept pointing out that she had lipstick on her teeth.
Clearly, this was foreshadowing.
I guess this means M/tch won't go to the prom with me.
Wow, I'm younger than Teo and I still know who Sade is.
Also, in a thread extolling personal hygiene as luxury, I would like to say that I tried my first shave with a badger-hair brush and high-quality shave cream today, and I loved it. It does actually get a lot closer shave than I'm used to without going against the grain. Plus, putting a thin lather shaving cream on with a brush made me feel like a real man for once in my life.
I've mentioned my indifference to music before.
57: Yeah, I love the real shave experience, with a good brush and good shaving soap. I just never get around to it very often, as it really calls for taking your time and doing things up right. And since I almost always shave in the morning, I never feel like I have time. And on weekends, when I have time, I always figure "Why shave today?".
My facial hair grows so rapidly that I have to shave every morning, so no fancy badger-brush shaving for me I guess. A pity.
I just work a job that's super relaxed, so I can let my shaving go for days at a time. Today I probably had about 10 days' growth that I shaved off, which is why I was so impressed with the stuff. Usually my whiskers feel like titanium against the blade when they've had that long to grow out.
Has anyone had a traditional barbershop shave with a straight-razor? There's a guy in the area who does them, and I've been thinking about dropping by to try it one of these days. I suppose it's the male version of a non-porn facial.
No, I think a "men's facial" is the male version of a facial (non porn). Straight razor shaving is its own unique thing, I think.
re: 57 and 60
After the thread here a while back about shaving where someone linked to that MSNBC article on 'old-school shaving'. After shredding my face one last time with a cartridge razor, I switched over to a proper double-edge old-school safety razor, brush and cream.
It's great. No more hacking away with a cartridge razor, no more shaving spots, and, despite the apparent higher risk of cutting myself, I cut myself less. I don't find it takes that much longer than using the crappy spray foam and a Mach 3 and the process is so much nicer. There's a luxurious element to it that's quite pleasing.
re: straight razor, I've not had a shave with one but a barber I sometimes go to -- staffed by lots of loud middle-eastern guys -- uses one to trim sideburns and generally neaten up the hairline on the neck, etc. The first time he 'whipped it out' I was slightly nervous.
So, a "friend" of mine is hosting a party in a few weeks. He has more nails than he knows what to do with…
PopCanon has a song about a guy who crucified himself on his birthday, which was also Bloomsday. INRI, and all that.
Re shaving: I wish I had a safety razor and whatnot. I do like barbers that neaten up with a straight razor.
Re shaving: I wish I had a safety razor and whatnot.
They're cheap. Actually, the safety razor + double-edge blades route is cheaper than using a cartridge razor.
Whenever someone mentions Sade, I assume a breakup.
I don't get this. I always thought that Sade was get-it-on music (for people a bit older than me).
The straight razor shave and a haircut is really the way to go. I still drive all the way across the city to my old barber now and again. And yeah, I have flashbacks of all the times in the movies where some guy gets his throat slit getting shaved race through my head. But since I don't owe the Family any unrepaid debts or anything it is one of those empty thrills, like a roller coaster you know will not leave the track.
I don't get this. I always thought that Sade was get-it-on music (for people a bit older than me).
Maybe for the freaky younger generation, which apparently likes to fold pain and heartache (and, gawd help them, Iranians) into the act of sex. She always seems to strive for haunting, and even when she's talking about something going right, it sounds like the mournful rememberence of a better time.
Apparently, I'm not the only one:
Sade is a break-up institution. Not since Marvin Gaye has an artist put so much of their business in the street. When artists put out "pain" records, there's a reason they're called "Sade records".
Happy Birthday, LB.
The sushi thing--I think we've stressed the creepiness of it, which is deserved, for it is creepy and degrading, but I also want to stress that it is quite unsanitary. I'm guessing that the human body gets a lot hotter than your average sushi platter. So if this is a party where people stand around, and the sushi isn't eaten very quickly, you're going to get some spoilage. Spend the money on better and more booze.
Maybe for the freaky younger generation, which apparently likes to fold pain and heartache (and, gawd help them, Iranians) into the act of sex.
Place the act of sex on a large, flat surface. Knead thoroughly, gradually folding in pain, heartache, and Iranians. Bake at 400°F for 45 minutes. Serve warm.
To reply more substantively to SCMTim, I suspect that I never really listened to the lyrics, as part of my reaction to having been a grungy, virginal teenager when she got so massively overplayed.
Happy birthday, LB. Do not worry about being 35, if you are not at least halfway to 100, you are still young.
Can we use the act of sex as a serving platter for sushi?
No, but we can certainly use a serving platter of sushi in the act of sex.
Also, totally agreed about the shaving thing. I have to shave every day, and going upscale really improved the experience. It takes more time, but what is time, anyway? All things considered, I think it's fair to say that Becks' blogging tenure has definitely been worth it.
Okay, so is carry-on luggage done-for forever?
73: Thank you. There are very few things I would willingly eat off of the thigh of a stranger.
Anyone know if people are being allowed to put their carryon stuff into their checked luggage? I would be so pissed if security made me throw away my perfume without giving me a chance to repack it.
re: 83
Apparently they can put it into their checked luggage.
Also, I suspect this will just turn out to be typical manufactured hysteria designed to save the Blairites' bacon.
Most of the terrorist plots foiled in the UK over the past few years have turned out to involve little more than guys talking tough about what they'd like to do. Even if this plot does turn out to be more real than that, the reaction today looks a lot more like a political act than a serious counter-measure.
Jeebus. We need to just lock the door to the cockpit, randomize seating in the airplane, and tell people that if they fly, then they accept the possibility that they might die. Chances remain small that it will happen to any individual passenger. Get over it.
I asked because Kieran apparently saw airport security throw away the Chanel perfume of an eighty year-old woman in a wheelchair. I would be incandescently angry.
There are very few things I would willingly eat off of the thigh of a stranger.
I've eaten a rib that fell on the floor at a Hooters.
Waitaminute, is Brock Landers [redacted]?
The redaction should answer your question, IndiscretionMan.
As if I could possibly have expected that it was changed for reasons of discretion, and not whim.
Silly ben, all I meant was that, given the testimonies in this thread, it sounds like Becks improved a great many lives with that thread. Since she thought her blogging tenure would be worth it if she improved but one lady's mornings, I think it's safe to say it's been a resounding success.
re: 86
Someone at the London end threw away someone's perfume?
Or someone at the US end? Because the latter are notorious across the globe as total bastards.
FWIW, the biggest bastards I've ever come across flying round Europe are the Dutch airport security guys.
I just flew round Europe and man are my arms tired.
For what it's worth, I'm a devotee of safety razors too. I can remember telling someone at the meetup, might have been Smasher, might have been Tom, that it's a typical minority habit, in that you have to shop at several stores to keep yourself supplied. Jewel/Osco sells the blades, Dominicks the shaving soap.
My razor is the brass Gillete Canada screw-together affair that was issued to my dad during WWII. It's what I watched him shave with when I was a little kid. The handle is hollow and pulls off easily but stays put when pushed back. It's purpose is to hold a styptic pencil; my father had and used one when needed, I don't and use a shred of toilet paper, inevitably on days when I have a job interview.
The razor appears indestructable. It's without monetary value and priceless to me.
OMG -- it came to me just now -- when we have our big South Dakota meetup at Chopper's place, we use naked ladies as serving platter for the cured pork products and tasty barbecue!
it came to me just now
Send it back.
It's [sic] purpose is to hold a styptic pencil
No no no! Its purpose is to hold encrypted messages!
re: 94
I use a styptic pencil. They are great. Sting like hell but much more effective at staunching the blood than tissue paper.
95: now, that's just mean to the naked ladies. Hot BBQ sauce?
Given that it completes the kit, I'll buy a styptic pencil when I see one, if it fits in the shaft without crushing the microdot where the jokes are explained.
With regard to the link in 80, I notice that clicking on the link at the top of that thread does not deliver one to the post to which the thread was attached. I have noticed this behavior before on some other links to old threads.
By the way, I express my eternal gratitude to all those working to keep this site up and running.
making it halfway through my biblically allotted lifespan
Holy crap, you're 450 years old?
As if I could possibly have expected that it was changed for reasons of discretion, and not whim.
You don't read Unfogged much, do you ben? I'd link to why you should have been so expected, but I fear being indiscrete.
Has anyone had a traditional barbershop shave with a straight-razor? There's a guy in the area who does them, and I've been thinking about dropping by to try it one of these days. I suppose it's the male version of a non-porn facial.
My husband does this every so often, and loves it. You get the hot towels, the little neck/scalp massage, all the pampering, but because it's being done by an elderly Italian man in a barber shop, it remains impeccably manly.
I had a straight razor shave several times in China, and wouldn't really recommend it. But I bet they were doing it wrong in some inscrutable way.
And also, just for the record, if Brock Landers really is the new pseudonym for U/_/p/_/, I would submit that while it's superficially a less gay handle than its predecessor, it kind of looks like it's trying too hard. But who am I to judge?
