Okay, let's settle this tone question once and for all. Which of the following women would you rather date?
1. "Tired of feeling patronized by the ads in this column? Then I'm not the woman for you, little man. Today you may be benighted and insignificant, tomorrow you will be more so. Now off you go. Box no. 14/12."
2. "63-year old retired academic, (F, Oxford). Would like sensible occasional company, M or F. Box no. 11/02."
I would never put up a personals ad.
Well, basically, 1 is just trying to be funny, and what she really means is that she'd be fun, but doesn't know how to convey that in a personals ad.
Nyah.
You should definitely put up ad #2. You want to keep people's expectations low.
Doorman at the swingers' party of life. Peripheral man, 43, holding out for more than a left-over goody bag and a handshakejob.
I'm with IDP. 1 sounds too much like hard work.
#2. Forced clever is irritating; if you can't do it right, don't do it.
8: If you're with IDP, why are you tooling around in the personal ads?
How does this work?
"Angry theology student seeks an emotionally vulnerable woman who's not afraid of mood swings and staying home to read on Saturday nights."
I am not as high maintenance as my highly polished and impeccably arranged collection of porcelain cats suggests, but if you touch them I will kill you. F, 36. Likes porcelain cats. Seeks man not unused to the sound of sobbing coming from a bedroom from which he is strictly prohibited. Tell me how attractive I am at box no. 16/08
I'm surprised by you guys. To me, there's more hostility in that one word, "sensible," than in any of ad #1, which it seems to me achieves real humor in "now off you go."
You guys are nuts. #1 is a much more appealing ad.
15: Sure, it achieves humor, but is completely unappealing and sounds like it was written by an extremely arrogant person who is pretending that she is only pretending to be extremely arrogant.
To me, there's more hostility in that one word, "sensible,"
I think you're reading too much into that.
b, I know #2 already, close enough. She's probably a raving intellectual snob, but all she means is that her circle of acquaintance has dwindled to her biological family and her neighbours and none of them can talk about anything harder than television soaps.
See, to me #1 sounds like a woman who knows that she can be kinda mean, and is trying to make fun of it. Which suggests that she's at least self-aware and has a sense of humor. #2 to me just sounds dire: humorless, self-pitying, superior. It's of course possible that #2 is really a modest person, but the tone of that "sensible," just, shudder.
I think 18 is roughly right. #1 is cloying. No one wants to be patronized, she's put an ad for companionship, so she really doesn't want possible companions to think she's patronizing. She chose to create a persona at seeming odds with her purpose. Who wants that kind of drama and neurosis in a relationship from the outset?
Hey, I have an idea that will shred this community to bits! Let's do them for ourselves, then, for each other! (If you want to skip the shredding, we could only do the former.) I'll try to start, though I reserve the right to revise it to make it funnier:
26 y.o. nailbiter seeks svengali to free me from personal responsibility and/or slave to my emotional needs. I'll hate you for being domineering; you'll never condescend.
#21 is exactly right. Man, no wonder so many of you guys are single.
I'm with OFE on this one. I can picture this woman in my head, and male equivalents as well. It really strikes me as very, very English. The older fellows and professors at Oxbridge and their upper-crust friends have this seemingly-patronizing exterior that can conceal extremely genuine affection and respect. They just can't really tell you that to your face, so you can at best be "sensible" company. The couple people I'm thinking of who I've spent more time with that ad #2 reminded me of are also among the nicest, most generous people I've met.
30-something smartass seeks emotionally secure guy who can see through my facade, but won't tell anyone.
I was thinking we should try to be really nastily self mocking.
The thing is, #1 is very English as well. It's a much more fun kind of Englishness, for my money.
I like Tia's ad idea, actually.
I apologize to all those who fought through the quagmire of prepositional phrases and dangling modifiers in the last sentence of my previous post. What I meant was: "The people I know well who could easily have written ad #2 are among the nicest, most generous people I've ever met."
Person of mystery seeks person of mystery for same.
The exercise was to choose between two alternatives. "Neither," at that point, was not playing the game.
I saw that "sensible" just as you did, btw, so neither would have been my honest answer. But unlike you, I found #1 repellent.
Just a data point.
The thing is, #1 is very English as well. It's a much more fun kind of Englishness, for my money.
Ad #1 doesn't suggest "English" to me so much as it suggests "first draft of dominatrix's ad for her dungeon in the local alterna-weekly".
Nasty self-mocking is fun, but is this really the time?
That said, okey-doke:
30-something conceited woman, incapable of letting anything go (ever), seeks adoring, easily deluded fool.
26 - Thought you'd got one of those. Are you collecting?
Why is it not the time?
I'll do another one:
I'm far too insecure to tolerate sex with a man as attractive as I am, so please be overweight or at least ten years my senior...but wait, you really thought you had a chance with me?
You can also do personal ads that you feel really represent you. I don't make the rules.
34: Always. Hence 33.
35: Are you kidding? I think people are feeling a little anxious right now. That said, I think it would be way more fun to have a thread dedicated to faking other people's ads, but only if it were done in good humor.
I think people are feeling a little anxious right now.
Really? Why?
Wouldn't it be safer if it was a thread devoted to personal ads just for Ogged?
An elderly English (Ok, Cornish) friend of mine always sounded just like #1. She was a raving drama queen and it was all mostly an act, but she was always entertaining. Maybe because of that I hear more hostility in the second ad than in the first.
Anyway, why should I choose #2 over any other sensible academic?
Okay. I feel my own personal anxiety has been resolved, but I guess that's not true of everyone.
35, 37: I've had the impression things are touchy around here this week as well.
Dear god, I feel like I'm living in a parallel universe.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to parallel universe anyone. I feel good because I've expressed my affection and regard for everyone I feel it for where that might have gotten lost in conflict; and where I have unresolvable anger at people I've said that too. So I have spoken my truth, so to speak, and now feel comfortable. That's just me. Also, all weekend, but esp. Saturday and Sunday morning, I had phenomenally warm and exciting interactions with various Unfoggers and their real life friends, and that made me feel great too. And I could totally be wrong about the likely dynamic, but I just thought it could be fun if everyone took themselves down a peg. But what do I know? Nothing. Ignore me.
Dear god, I feel like I'm living in a parallel universe.
Perhaps you lack empathy. I, on the other hand, am finely attuned to the emotional states of all.
I kind of feel like the weekend set us aright after all the drama of last week. But maybe I'm just projecting.
Also, all weekend, but esp. Saturday and Sunday morning, I had phenomenally warm and exciting interactions with various Unfoggers and their real life friends, and that made me feel great too.
Mmm. I think we've had some online tension that you may have felt resolved offline -- for those of us that weren't there, it still feels a hair touchy around here.
I just thought it could be fun if everyone took themselves down a peg.
Ok. I confess. I was drunk when I went grocery shopping last night. BY MYSELF.
I've often said that the best argument in favor of calling blogs "communities" is that we get sick of each other.
for those of us that weren't there, it still feels a hair touchy around here.
Solution: Tia should live-blog all her offline interactions.
Look, we're all sore about the results of the Texas-OSU game, but I think that we need to keep our eyes on the Big 12 championship, which gives us another shot at a BCS big. Let's not despair too early.
Taking self down several pegs: the movers are showing up to pack tomorrow and I'm in an absolute panic about all the shit I've been putting off. I feel like throwing up.
Ack, I wish I were there to help you move. I was just saying last night I enjoy other people's moves, though of course, not my own.
39/47: Shall I introduce you to any of my girlfriends?
I was drunk when I went grocery shopping last night. BY MYSELF.
A few weeks ago I went to the grocery store at night, and ended up buying only cookies and beer. The cashier gave me a sympathetic look and said "Oh, honey...rough day?"
But really, I had just run out of beer.
52: It'll be okay. I've spent all day making phone calls and finding out that it's surprisingly easy to do stuff at the last minute. The only problem is I need to calm down enough to figure out which stuff I need the movers *not* to pack, and set it aside.
That and get caught up on the laundry. Although I suppose worst case scenario is I throw the dirty laundry in the back of the car and drive it all the way to California for washing. Oh yeah, baby, I'm on top of shit.
"sensible" is a common malapropism of native French speakers who want to say something like "affectionate" FWIW.
Twenty-something man seeks codependent woman to entertain my original opinions on subjects from Elizabeth Peyton to Bob Stoops. You deplore both, naturally. We'll toast to our tastes, then drink in excess to dull our senses and/or the pain. God, am I lonely, in box no. xyz.
50: Armsmasher gets it exactly wrong. We are elated about the Texas-OSU game.
Do 43 and 45 mean that they finally had sex?
54 -- did you get her number?
Someone (Labs?) already made a fake profile for Ogged. All I remember was that the headline was something like, "rub my pointy head and call me Nancy."
Let's do pretend couplings instead. Here's mine:
Labs (he of the indeterminate sexuality) with SB (s/he of the indeterminate sex)
I'm confused -- wouldn't "pretend" refer to hook-ups that haven't happened in real life?
54, in my bachelor days I would truly dread a cashier saying something like that to me. I can't remember exactly but I may have, at times, examined my basket and considered the pathos content before returning to add some less depressing food.
Nah, let's play truth or dare.
I can't remember exactly but I may have, at times, examined my basket and considered the pathos content before returning to add some less depressing food.
That's awesome.
63,65: It is awesome, but I'm curious about your rubric for classifying food as depressing or not.
Relatedly, I used to be incredibly self-conscious about buying condoms, and so I'd always buy something else as well, since coming up to the counter with just a pack of condoms seemed a little too revealing. I didn't want that knowing wink from the cashier.
One night, discovering that I was out but that some were urgently needed, I ran to the corner store and returned with a box of condoms and a lock de-icer.
I ran to the corner store and returned with a box of condoms and a lock de-icer.
Which wouldn't lead to any speculation, no.
Makes me wonder what he was doing out in the freezing cold with just his chastity belt on.
Didn't your mother ever tell you to dress for the weather?
lock de-icer
Cool -- I did not know such a product existed.
Someone (Labs?) already made a fake profile for Ogged.
And it got a response.
I stood in front of a woman who was buying nothing but a Guinness and a pack of condoms and I was totally jealous. I told her so, and she said, yep, gonna be a good evening.
I'm so evil that I actively enjoy buying tampons when the clerk is a high-school aged guy. They always avoid eye contact, and it amuses me.
One Guinness? She may have been planning a good evening, but she's an awfully stingy hostess.
67: To tie back into the topic of the thread, it's not the message of any individual food items, but when viewed together, a shopping cart can tell a tale. Thus to counteract a depressing shopping cart, just pick up a few needed items that obscure the story. Lonely guy, beer and cookies = depression. Lonely guy, beer, cookies and a bag of oranges = ???.
Related: A friend of mine in high school was a bag boy. He told me once he had a customer who was buying a dozen sticks of deodorant plus a pack of sausages. "Got big plans tonight?" he asked. "Mind your own business," came the reply.
A pack of Guinness? I didn't know the collective noun and I didn't erase the article.
Visited the same grocery store for twenty years, I have watched bag-boys move to assistant mgr. There was a day when a sacker called all the checkouts to make a joke on my personal appearance that I wasn't supposed to notice. I took the joke with a good nature, pretended not to know what was going on while making sure they knew that I did, and added just a bit of embarrrassment for myself and slight general reproval for their cruelty. I do believe now they are pleased when I walk in the door, especially since I always grab my cart from the parking lot, no matter how far I have to walk to get one. A little exercise, you know.
A personal ad? Can't really imagine. "Everything I write contains a large element of self-mockery, although I could be deluding myself about this."
"nothing but Guinness and a pack of condoms", or more economically, "nothing but Guinness and condoms".
74: that works with condoms and high school aged girls. At least if you buy at least 5 or 6 packs and a bottle or two of lube.
I also like #1. If she is a disagreeable person, then I could waste her time without feeling guilty. I wouldn't want to hurt #2, even the smallest bit.
I love playing the "guess what people are like based on their groceries" game. But really, the pathetic single person grocery things just seem like normal single person grocery shopping to me: people *do* like cookies and beer, and hey, condoms /= pathetic.
My real contempt is reserved for the person obviously shopping for a family whose groceries are virtually all prepackaged shit bought in large quantities (coke, frozen foods, "juicy juice," canned spaghetti sauce, lunchables, potato buds) with like maybe a bag of carrot sticks and some milk.
Dr B. #1 is just one of your ads, isn't it. Ok, it sounds a little Brittish for you, but the attitude is exactly you.
Very against the rules to notice or comment on the contents of the cart. 90% of my purchases, are fresh fruit and veggies, meat/fish/dairy, dog food & treats, coffee, and the very largest paper goods. 36 packs of Bounty.
The lady, by unspoken agreement, does her own personal shopping.
85: Domineditrix, wasn't it?
And what I get embarrassed by is weirdo last-minute filling in the holes in a festive meal shopping; four hours before having people for dinner, I'm always in a grocery store buying three avocados, heavy cream, and cinnamon sticks, and biting back the urge to explain myself.
So what it is it exactly that works with high school girls, condoms, and lube?
That you can make them embarrased by purchasing the stuff?
85: Kind of. Mostly it more reminds me of good friends of mine who are Brits, and feminist, and funny, and self-deprecating. But yeah, it's true that (as 84 implies), I would myself much rather deal with (or be) someone who doesn't make people feel guilty than someone who people worry unduly about hurting.
So what it is it exactly that works with high school girls, condoms, and lube?
A lock de-icer?
Shall I introduce you to any of my girlfriends?
Are they amazingly gorgeous and charmingly eccentric? Can they dole out abuse like a Welshman? If so, yes.
"Vain, superficial, emotionally unavailable man-child seeks female for sex, sympathy and mothering. Likes: calling in sick, missing deadlines, disappearing for days, spending your money, hot gay porn. Your own issues a bonus. Shouters preferred."
All my girlfriends are amazingly gorgeous, charmingly eccentric, and able to dole out abuse, of course. Like attracts like.
Not so sure about the "mothering" thing, though.
Fat, balding, desperate-to-impress white guy, wishes he's as cool as he used to be, was never as cool as he likes to think he was, seeks someone to laugh at his jokes, and enjoy nice dinners out. No fatties.
"13 inches of love, ready and waiting. OK to share if that's too much for you."
Man, I love buying tampons, because I enjoy how little I care about any possible embarrassment factors. As a kid with a dead mother, I started buying my own "feminine hygiene" products when I was 11. I got over being embarrassed about it pretty quickly, and I think the last time I bought some, I walked up to the cashier with a 40-pack of tampons, a 24-pack of condoms, a package of peanut m&m's and an expensive wheel of Brie. It was awesome. I always look the cashier right in the eye and am extra friendly.
I love 96.
Also, I think it would make a fabulous personal ad.
a 40-pack of tampons, a 24-pack of condoms
That's an awful lot of unprotected tampons.
The brie really makes that story.
96 sounds like my last shopping trip. I prefer the peanut butter M&M's, though, if I can find them.
So capitalized "Brie" in 96 is naming something, presumably, a person, right? Because I know someone named Brie who I'd like to buy an expensive wheel of. IYKWIM. AIYD, PEITM.
Today, the vending machine at work features dark chocolate M & M's, which I had never heard of previously. Is this something new?
In order of preference, my M&M policy is as follows:
1. Peanut M&Ms
2. Peanut butter M&Ms
3. Plain M&Ms
4. Almond M&Ms
This policy promises to be violently shaken up, though, as I have it from a secret corporate source that the company is planning a release of Cashew M&Ms. My god, just imagine!
54 -- did you get her number?
Pretty sure she was in her 60's. It was more of a grandmotherly concern than thrice-age'd flirting.
The comma after presumably in 101 shouldn't be.
PEITM
Phineas Expects Igloos To Melt?
I've used things in 105 which I intended to mention.
106: Please Enter Into The Mineshaft
107: that's sort of the point of M&M's.
"And If You Do, Please Explain It To Me"
Last time I was at the grocery store, I bought: skim milk, Cozy Shack rice pudding (better than ice cream!), instant coffee, Utz sour cream & onion chips, and a six pack of beer. I don't think this says anything significant about my personality/lifestyle, although people who hate on instant coffee will probably disagree.
M&Ms are the paragon of candy. Jackmormon hates America.
Don't worry, leblanc: instant coffee is much, much nastier than M&Ms are.
Cozy Shack rice pudding
Seriously? Is this stuff good?
110 gets it exactly right, and makes me happy.
I'm torn between bashing Jackmormon's child-murdering candy views and applauding her principled stand against the evils of instant coffee.
Cozy Shack is ambrosia.
Who responded to "your" personal ad, anyway? How do you know it wasn't an Unfogged person yanking your chain?
yanking your chain
But you see, this is the very point of personal ads.
110 gets it exactly right, and makes me happy.
Submit now, if you haven't already.
Since I turned 21, I have spent 2 1/2 (out of 14) years in places in which it is possible to buy beer in the grocery store. Assuming we don't count 3.2% alcohol as beer.
Assuming we don't count 3.2% alcohol as beer.
And we don't. Goddamned Colorado liquor laws ruined my fishing trip.
Who responded to "your" personal ad, anyway?
It definitely seemed like a real, and kinda odd person. It might have been a fake, but neither Labs nor I thought so. He crafted some polite reply, begging off a date.
Hey dagger, ol marketing department buddy, you mean Kozy Shack, right?
Oh, never fucking mind. I thought it was an ice-cream substitute, but it's made with milk. Fuck.
But w-lfs-n's mom insisted, so *I* went out with her.
Thanks for showing her a good time, Labs.
Some of us can buy not only beer and wine but even, say, tequila in the grocery store. There are things that this place does right.
I have a gold melitta filter, 2 coffee presses, a bodum teapot, and a stovetop percolator. And I frequently drink instant coffee. If only I had one of those electric indoor composters, I bet I'd drink real coffee all the time. Because the grounds, you know, the grounds are such a hassle.
Returning to the linked post, I see that one of the personals was from "Junior lawyer (M, 62)".
What exactly does "junior" mean for a lawyer?
Also the one describing himself as "Conductor of the Groin" is a bit inspired.
Junior lawyer means someone who's never made it to Queen's Counsel. And at 62 he probably won't.
Jeffrey Bernard once published an ad reading "alcoholic diabetic amputee seeks pity fuck." I don't know if he ever revealed what replies he did or didn't get.
How many counselors does the Queen need?
Trying to write a singles ad can be educational. During a not too distant period of my life when my no-relationship policy had not yet been established, I took a crack at it. When I made an honest attempt to let someone know what I wanted and what I had to offer, I came off like a very arrogant, sexist person with low self-esteem. So honesty was out of the question.
I am not sexist, but my desires, plans, and habits are. Thus, the no-relationship policy.
BTW, Davies is much better looking than he'd have you believe. Check his Guardian page. He probably isn't Welsh either.
The personal ad I would have written a couple of years ago: No non-Finns need apply. If you're a Finn, you're in.
(All tension resolved offstage, btw.)
One ought not continually to advert to resolved tension. If it's resolved, it's resolved, and there's an end on't.
It's unseemly.
133 If you're a Finn, you're in.
But do you prefer Tim or Neil?
This is not the first time Emerson has recommended that we check out Davies' handsome mug. In fact, I'm starting to suspect that such recommendations are the replacement for the formerly ubiquitous bestiality references.
131: Funnier if "How many counselors does Queen need."
138: Pretty much the same thing, isn't it? Davies is Welsh, after all.
Davies may be fat, but his claims to be ugly are fraudulent. I call shenanigans.
Things Emerson thinks are good looking:
Goats.
Daniel Davies.
Ways LB flirts:
By comparing her encrushorata to goats.
Sheep, Welshmen, it's all the same.
Not only that, he's very cheerful looking and not grumpy looking at all.
Does a Welshman prefer being confused with a sheep or with an Englishman?
That's not very nice, Ogged. I've never compared you to a ruminant.
I've never compared you to a ruminant.
Don't think I haven't noticed.
Ogged hasn't ruminated since he dropped out of school.
I don't think I've made any secret of my weakness for cloven-hoofed quadupeds, after all. I may be a reptile myself, but consider my husband.
I do not condone this behavior. It violates my anti-relationship policy, for one thing.
http://dailyfunnies.org/page/24/a-story-about-sheep
152: I've seen that story somewhere before, and love it truly.
Shite.
Well, in my defence, I'm pretty sure I heard the joke a long time ago. Possibly with Aberdeenshire substitued for North Wales. And googled 'border leicester' to find it. Although, come to think of it, I do remember the Lucy Mangan version of it excerpted in the link 152 and that must have prompted my memory.
149: Man, you have a memory and a half.
'Late-20s listless lad seeks gamer girl for Blackwing Lair clears, snuggles, debates on who's hotter, Alyson Hanigan or Summer Glau. Let's ignore the gnawing dread of our own impending middle-aged years together'
Not only that, he's very cheerful looking and not grumpy looking at all.
Why shouldn't he look cheerful? It's not like he's stewing over a bunch of repressed anger, after all.