seems like another dumb answer from randy cohen.
this one not so much ethically tone-deaf as socially tone-deaf. gathering all your ex's, plus your fiancee, in one room? not a kindness to your fiancee or your relationship with her.
more like a lyric from an old paul simon song.
That's a spectacularly bad answer.
Yes, it's a terrible idea -- I know from experience(s).
I really hope he's being sarcastic, but I fear that he isn't.
gathering all your ex's, plus your fiancee, in one room? not a kindness to your fiancee or your relationship with her.
I took this as a very lame attempt at humor and not seriously meant. I think the real advice is:
In general, you have to tell her, but [g]ently sound out your fiancée; if she's the sleeping-dogs sort, you're off the hook.
and
One final thought: don't throw away the receipt for the engagement ring.
Dear Randy,
Last night, my girlfriend and I slept with everyone at a bloggy meet-up. How do we tell the rest of the internet?
Hugs,
Stan
It's funny that his name is "Randy," you know, in the context of this discussion.
if she's the sleeping-dogs sort
Is this a beastiality euphemism? He just elided the "with"?
(Better would have been "if she's the getting-up-with-fleas sort".)
I've been at a party where, toward the wee hours of the morn, it was revealed that all of the women still present had slept with the same man at one time or another. It was an interesting discussion that would not have done his ego any good.
The affianced gentleman should be aware that his potential spouse may end up in the same sort of conversation. Just because a woman stays friends doesn't mean she thought he was any good in bed.
Yes, happy 2007 to all. I unfortunately wasn't able to make the UnfoggeDCon party. I woke up early Sunday, took a huge bong hit, and met some old friends for several rounds of frisbee golf in the Maryland country-side. By the time I found a ride back to Silver Spring it was around 10pm, and I was in no condition to make the trek into DC. Maybe next time.
So I just tried to explain in detail an unfogged comment thread to my significant other, including the fact that there's a clown who used to be some kid from Modesto, and the fact that, well, yeah, that's standpipe bridgeplate. I don't think she thinks we're all crazy...yet.
Gather all my exes in a room and have them chat with my fiancee? Sounds great! Lemme pencil that in between "shove bamboo shoots under fingernails" and "pound self in head with mallet."
Happy New Year, imaginary internet people!
I don't think she thinks we're all crazy...yet.
Even after meeting us the other night?
Yeah. Happy new year. To all, even those who weren't at the party.
But Becks is wrong, at least for me and Ellen. We don't play tennis.
23: Yep. You guys really dropped the ball there.
Oh, and being at work today, I hate all of you extra. Happy New Year indeed.
In retrospect, spending last night drinking a friend of a friend's Cajun grandfather's homedistilled peach-apricot moonshine may have been ill advised.
The baby was cute, though.
Domineditrix doesn't seem aware that every home run scores one point. What is this "good in bed" of which she speaks.
I have given deliberately bad advice in my time, but Randy has outdone me, without really trying. That's what I would have said as a sick joke, though I might have also suggested something like introducing them as "my other options" or "my practice dummies".
Seriously, getting new sets of friends is common in marriage even without these complications. I don't think it would be terribly small-minded of the wife to suggest a fresh start in life.
and the fact that, well, yeah, that's standpipe bridgeplate
Uh-oh. Which thread, Stanley?
But John, you are ignoring the possibilities -- in such a situation panties would most likely be shed with the ladies' inhibitions, a rainbow party would be the most likely upshot.
Happy New Year, everyone!
Uh-oh. Which thread, Stanley?
I believe it was this comment, so no worries SB.
I'm hoping Mr. B's "yeah" was to the general wishing of happy new years.
This is another situation completely foreign to me, where people stay friends despite or perhaps because of having been lovers, however briefly. I've never converted a lover into a friend, or vice versa. This is probably an indicator of friendship patterns as much as anything: I've got no friends at all from college, and a half dozen or so from grad & law school, whom I see or talk with every once in a while. Beyond that, I've never been in a relationship with someone I knew at all well prior, and have never stayed in touch either. Nothing against, or to be ashamed of, just not enough in common to make it worthwhile.
Happy New Year, invisible friends.
34: You had nothing in common with your lovers? What did you talk about after the h0tt monkey sex?
They had in common being lovers. Something of a chicken-and-egg problem, but if you can finesse that part, hey.
Happy New Year to all, and to all a good day!
(Hello Tiny Tim.)
re: 34
The great love of my life was also the person who was the best, closest friend I have ever had. When she decided she did not want to be my lover, we tried being just friends. She found it impossible; when the friendship went well, we crossed the line she did not want to cross, and when the friendship went badly, it was crushingly painful to me to deal with the fact that the person I loved so much not only did not want to love me, but did not even appear to like or respect me (something you can shrug off with your friends, but it is hard to do when the emotions are too intense). Eventually, she got sick of the relationship (and of me, I suppose) and cut off all contact.
I am sure that this is mostly a reflection of my lack of maturity and other shortcomings. Nonetheless, I do not see how people do it, and I suspect that this is not an unusual pattern.
In retrospect, spending last night drinking a friend of a friend's Cajun grandfather's homedistilled peach-apricot moonshine may have been ill advised.
Was it honestly distilled from peaches and apricots? Because in that case, assuming the grandfather isn't blind, I can't think of a better way to spend any arbitrary night.
we crossed the line she did not want to cross
You journeyed from Pennsylvania to Maryland?
35: plenty in common in the day, and now for all I know, just not enough to keep in touch.
The discussion's past, but I think it's pretty clear that Cohen was making a joke - a decent one, even, given the quite funny "With snacks" line. I know people resent Cohen having that gig with no apparent quals, but credit where due....
As for friendly exes, my n is far too small to really gauge, but I was for years very good friends with a woman I'd fooled around with in college. But then, there was always underlying sexual energy, and even some fooling around years later, so maybe it was just an extended courtship that never consummated (sadly, in either sense). Then she dated a jealous jerk, broke off contact, dumped him, and moved away. Alas.
But point being, staying friends seems possible to me. In fact, we were better-suited as friends 5 years later than we'd been as friends or lovers when we first hooked up.
39: That was the claim made, and I saw no reason to dispute it. Very tasty stuff. (The story told was that the grandfather had been a lawyer in Louisiana, and judges in his home parish would refuse to hear him at conferences on the cases he was working on, unless he showed up with a mason jar of his 'shine.)
But I'm regretting its tastiness this morning.
I submit that its tastiness is not what you are regretting.
BTW -- is the body of the post implying that Becks had at some point previously had sex with everybody who came to the party on Saturday? Does that go double for the people she had never met before?
That's only because of my three penes. (Clownae = GW/10)
Never managed to get that cherry tree down, did you?
Hey just this morning I was thinking about Herr Professor Seuss' classic And To Think That I Saw It On Mulberry Street, with its introductory "But when I tell him where I've been, and what I think I've seen,/ He turns to me and (something) says,/ Your eyesight's much too keen!/ Stop telling such outlandish tales,/ Stop turning minnows into whales!" and its closing "Just a plain horse and wagon on Mulberry Street", and how this story could be combined with the George Washington cherry tree anecdote.
Sorry, that closing bit is "'Nothing', I say, growing red as a beet,/ 'But a plain horse and wagon on Mulberry Street.'" and the "(something)" in the introductory bit is "sternly".
I called Mr. B. while I was in the cab on the way to Dulles and told him all about the party. When I hung up, I said to the driver, "so that's what I did last night." And he laughed, and said, who were you talking to? Girlfriend? And I said, no, husband. And he said, damn, that's awesome. You sounded like you were talking to your best friend.
That is so great, B. (Cheesily said, but true.)
Aside from The-Boyfriend-Who-Hated-Me [who is, in fact, dead; there is justice in the omniverse], one unfortunate relationship in college, and one guy who ultimately revealed his festering wingnuttia, I've pretty much never been unfriends with any previous lovers. [Or husbands, ftm.] I've only run into a few of them since I moved 3,000 miles away and changed my social circle a bit, put we parted on a friendly basis. [Hell, even the Bush-loving Republican stalks asks about me.] I did feel it proper to tell the Biophysicist that an old friend who moved out here a couple of years ago wasn't an old lover, just so he wouldn't wonder. He has met a couple of my previous flings and one ex-husband. It's all been mellow.
implying that Becks had at some point previously had sex with everybody who came to the party
No, it was the first time I met Becks. Maybe next party, though.
I remain very close friends with two former lovers. Being able to do so was always a priority with me, for reasons that I haven't always been able to articulate. When I was in college, I deep down didn't believe in having relationships, only fuck buddies. So when the fucking part ended, it seemed natural to continue the buddy part. Unfortunately, I was never really explicit about this attitude, even with myself, making a lot of my behavior somewhere between assholish and inexplicable. Despite all that I remain very close to a former college lover, and for independent reasons, a former grad school lover.
I just finished watching a movie with my wife and my ex-wife.
Was it "that kind" of movie?
Hmm, that was weird. 56 was me, and it was Little Miss Sunshine. Was that the "kind" you were referring to?
I think F/B is a relation I've always been temperamentally incapable of. I haven't always realized this about myself, but I've always acted as if I did. So there were times I feigned obtuseness, drunkenness, or exhaustion. I once had to refuse point blank, and the reaction was indignation.
Maybe next party, though.
A party where everyone has sex with each other is the only way we're going to top the one we had.
And the only way to top that party would be one where everyone has sex with each other, and Mutombo.
And to top that party, two Mutombos. And so on.
And to top that party, two Mutombos.
Now you're just talking crazy.
Who wants to sex Infinite Mutombos?
That could only lead to a crisis.
...a Crisis of Infinite Motumbos I mean.
That's so funny, I wrote "laugh".
66 was as a tiny ray of happy sunshine on my cold, dark heart.
69(!) -- glad I could shed some warmth your way. God knows I've got plenty to spare.
Hey you guys: I want to compose a bit more detailed note about this, maybe I will do so when -gg-d puts up his next Jessica-Biel's-hindquarters post; but for now just a quick note: I got a new job! I will be resigning on Monday, when I get back from my pilgrimage to LB's honeymoon site, and am assuming my employer will want two weeks notice; after the 19th or so I think you will be seeing way way less of me around here. Assuming I have the time frame correct I'd like to invite anybody who makes their abode near NYC or who is just passing through on the 19th, to come get drunk with me, most likely at Chumley's -- I will firm up the date and location next week.
next Jessica-Biel's-hindquarters
Her biceps are almost as impressive.
Congrats on the new gig, mister.
Congratulations on the new job, Clownae!
Congratulations.
(and 66 also made me smile)
biceps
Is that what the kids are calling them nowadays? Back when I was a lad we used to call those "fun bags".
Thanks for the congratulations, all.
Yay Clownae! As I think I told some of y'all, I'm looking myself--I'll notify you at the proper time for vibes-sending.
Thanks LB, and thanks for reassuring me back when I was first talking to these guys that I was within my ethical rights to be planning the move a few months in advance without telling my employer about it. (Though I'm a little leery of my current ethical status, where I'm taking a week's vacation at the beginning of the year and resigning directly after. But that's how it goes.)
Congrats, Clown!
At this time, I'm also accepting vibes with regard to my just-submitted grad school applications.
79: That's the same ethical answer as the last one I gave you. You've already earned the vacation, so there's nothing wrong with taking it -- it's entirely separate from giving notice. (There might possibly be ethical issues if you were leaving your job in a bad spot by letting a backlog of timesensitive work accumulate while you took vacation, and then giving notice leaving them with no one to clear it up. But it would have to be pretty egregious before I'd worry.)
And all due vibes for the grad school applications.
70: Congratulations! Lift one for me at Chumley's, another place I miss [I used to live on Bank Street, near 4th, back in the Olden Tymes when a 2br/1b cost under the GNP of the state of Rhode island].
Bah humbug on not being able to maintain friendships when the lust is gone. Rah and I have met many of one another's exes and it has always been pleasant; speaking for me, I'd have to stop and think about it but I'm willing to bet I could count all the formers with whom I've not spoken in the last year on one hand.
Congrats, Clown, though sorry we'll be seeing less of you.
And best of luck Chopper and mrh.