I've been known to yell really loud. Also, the little mewling noises that sound almost like one is about to cry.

Mostly they complained about you, as I recall.

What do *you* do, Ogged? I notice that you talked about what the women you've slept with do, but not you yourself. Chicken.

I'll answer (3), but it'll cost you.

Name your price.

For betraying Ogged? Maybe like a cup of coffee. Wait, he has those annoying and drunk voicemails from DC. Never mind, I'll carry his secrets to the grave.

Coward. We were all there when you made those calls; there's nothing to hide.

Back to the topic of the thread, I can't say I've ever been genuinely surprised by anyone yelling anything weird during sex. I did hear my roommate giving what I thought were rather detailed and obnoxious instructions once, though.

I'm dead silent during sex, except if I'm actually talking or heavy breathing when I orgasm. A couple of lovers have commented, I dunno why I am the way I am.

Labs, the topic is what noises do YOU make. Don't be pushing this off on the girls the way that sexist Ogged's trying to do.

Wait, I've got that .wav file right here....

Yelling? Weird. I think that's much like the spanking thing for me, stuff I couldn't even try to fake as I'd just start laughing.

So far all the macho boys except Nbarnes are big chickenshits, I see.

No, the topic is not what noises YOU make, but any interesting noise/talk experiences you have to share. Since people don't usually want to tell their own secrets, I expect they'll talk about their partners.

Eh, I'm quiet too. Not chicken so much as nothing to report.

Out of cowardice, you'll all betray the people you sleep with. Lovely.

B, you're losing it.

Cowardice vs narcissism is a tough choice, according to the Man Code.

I recite the 18th Brumaire during sex.

If only more of our esteemed cobloggers were here.

I find that weird. I'll be frank about my own whatever it is, but I won't talk about the sex lives or habits of others.

Then again, I guess my being chivalrous is in line with my actually being a man.

I recite the 18th Brumaire during sex.

"Men make sweet, sweet love, but they do not do so just as they please, but under cirucmstances already given and transmitted from the past."

If I were less discreet, I'd tell you what noises the (straight) men of Unfogged make.

But that would be wrong.

23: I'll give you a dollar.

I don't make any unintentional noises, and neither have three of the four partners I've had. In all these cases, the only noises were made intentionally, to encourage the other, or to give instructions. But I had one partner who couldn't restrain herself from shouting at the least hint of direct stimulation. It was very surprising at first. This prevented us from doing anything when anyone else was in the same house/apartment, to prevent embarrassment.

I'll sell myself out, but not other people.

I'm better than you are, Labs.

Dammit!

I think this is an example of the sort of thread in which people who have met a lot of other commenters are not going to want to share.

Ha ha, I knew the awesomeness of UnFoGertyCon would backfire in some way or other.

If I were more of a little bitch, I would point out that the implicit claim of 23, that B knows what noises the straight men of unfogged make during sex, is already indiscreet.

This thread should really be more interesting than it is. You people suck.

Unlike Labs, I didn't name names. Why point out my indiscretion and not his? Feeling worried, hmmm?

Things said by sex partners? "You done yet"? "Hurry up, I have to get the kids to school"

Things said by me: "did you lock the bedroom door"?

Is this what you have in mind?

Anything else you want to know about the sex lives of old people?

I don't see Labs naming names in this thread. Are you high?

You people suck.

Little by little, more is revealed.

30 is so right. For some reason, my colleagues seeing the gay sex jokes is ok, but the yelling might put them off.

No, Ben! It's a trap!

32 is awesome.

I did, however, have sex with someone who actually said (rather than made noises that could be transcribed as) "Oh, oh, oh, oh." It was sort of suprising, but since it didn't come across as insincere, it wasn't bothersome.

I'm willing to bet that Labs has, at least once, uttered some WWF catchphrase during sex.

No, Ben! It's a trap!

See, now ogged is giving up the details.

33, see 4 and 6.

Everyone already knew that Labs had the skinny on ogged, so he hasn't really given us any new info.

I really dislike a lot of talking. Instructive guidance where needed is one thing, but lots of "yeah fuck me baby" porn-style dialogue is really irritating. Moaning is different; the louder and more theatric the better, as long as nobody's right around to hear. I'm trying to imagine how I'd feel about outright hollering like Ogged describes, and I think I'd probably dig it.

Right you are, Ogged. Snap into a Slim Jim!

First off, lots of girls make these really damn high pitched squealy moans right prior to cumming. It totally sketches me out.

Second, why when people talk during sex do they try to be all smoky and low pitched and slow? Girls saying normal stuff in normal voices and sometimes giggling is much hotter than being all weird.

I don't actually say much. I'm introverted tho i just enjoy being able to be with someone and not talk. 90% of the time people expect or at least reward conversing so its a nice break.

Also, an acquintance reports that one sex partner talked *a lot* about the various goings on, the room, the lighting, whatever was on her mind. At one point he asked her to shut up, which I thought was rude, but understandable.

42: Nonetheless. And neither did I.

43: I have to admit that what Labs called "detailed and obnoxious instructions" can actually be really hot, if done the right way. The way people do it in porn movies just sounds bored.

45: "So, baby, can I fuck you? It'd be a nice break from all this yapping."

I saw this post, and I said to myself "I bet we hit sexism by comment 10." Scout's honor.

Cowardice vs narcissism is a tough choice, according to the Man Code.

An interesting thing about Man Law; unlike any other kind of law, it can be twisted to suit one's ends: I was once refusing to kiss and tell, and a guy friend said, "Come on, be a guy."

47: dude, if you heard them, you wouldn't think it was hot. It was like, irritated, and "shhh, don't make so much NOISE." I was all, "this woman is doing you a favor; you could at least be gracious about it."

49: I didn't want to disappoint you, Baa.

baa, be honest, was it sexism or "sexism" that you were expecting?

Second, why when people talk during sex do they try to be all smoky and low pitched and slow? Girls saying normal stuff in normal voices and sometimes giggling is much hotter than being all weird.

I disagree, I find it appealing to keep up the illusion that once we remove our clothes we enter a different and more sensual world. But then again I don't live in one of those places where wearing clothes is unnecessary for normal decorum.

I had a friend who lived down the hall from me freshman and sophomore years--real quiet guy with a gentle demeanor. His girlfriend was rather different. She went to a different school but visited rather often (once every couple weeks or so), and every night she was there everyone on the hall could hear her. The noise she made was largely along the lines of "ooh, fuck me"; the first time I heard it I thought someone was blasting porno (and I was not alone in that impression). It was kind of a running joke among the rest of us on the hall. We never mentioned it to him, because it would have embarrassed him so much (her, probably not), but they must have known we knew.

I don't make any unintentional noises, and neither have three of the four partners I've had.

God, do I wish I'd had any or all of you as college roommates, instead of some of the ones I actually did have.

An interesting thing about Man Law; unlike any other kind of law, is that it can be twisted to suit one's ends: I was once refusing to kiss and tell, and a guy friend said, "Come on, be a guy."

I started where you are, but I've come around to your friend's position on this one: unless it's serious, you have an obligation.

51: Yeah, it can also be really assholish and an instant "get the fuck out of here, now" thing. But when a guy who's really quite polite and even a little quiet starts talking a little dirty in a deliberate and still quietly-inflected way, it's way hot.

I had exactly the same experience as 55, except that instead of a quiet and shy guy it was a cartoonishly friendly guy who seemed to be devoting his life to impersonating G. Love.

48: Hmm, maybe there are upsides to sex after all.

Snap into a Slim Jim!

Sources report Macho Man talks like that all the time.

60: No, Teo, there aren't. You should avoid it for as long as possible.

"I disagree, I find it appealing to keep up the illusion that once we remove our clothes we enter a different and more sensual world. But then again I don't live in one of those places where wearing clothes is unnecessary for normal decorum."

perhaps i could enjoy this; people are just overdoing it by an order of magnitude. but i've not been lusting over some mystery personality, i'm been trying to fuck some particular girl b/c i thought she was hot and i'd really appreciate if that was the one that showed up for the sexing instead of this other random personality.

We never mentioned it to him, because it would have embarrassed him so much

Are you fucking kidding me? As a guy, you have an obligation to give him shit about this stuff.

64: He was also really big.

Well then, you can understand why she was saying those things.

"We never mentioned it to him, because it would have embarrassed him so much"

Hm, my copy of the ManCode indicates you should have talked about this constantly. what about even scalia and scrivenor's errors?

Never said I couldn't.

62: Yes, ma'am!

Once upon a time I lived near a guy from Wales who regularly screamed something unintelligible and quite loud out into the courtyard after his bed had banged against the wall for a time. The rest of us speculated about it being a Celtic war-cry. Whatever, it was quite impressive.

be honest, was it sexism or "sexism" that you were expecting?

I have been informed that this is a false dichotomy, oppressor.

There was some ridiculous quasi-gothic woman at college whose boyfriend was a DJ who drove a hearse. Apparently the shouting was first hilarious, then really irritating.

Did he actually haul bodies in the hearse, or was it just for show?

False dichotomy my ass; I meant the use/[wo]mention distinction. Then again, I just left a long comment about relevance implicature at Patterico's, so I'm not to be trusted.

He was a DJ, not an undertaker, Teo. I'm pretty sure it was just for show.

some ridiculous quasi-gothic woman at college whose boyfriend was a DJ who drove a hearse

whoa. where did you go to college again? It wasn't in NY state, was it?

a Celtic war-cry.

Oh Christ. Probably it was just the name of his home town. Or possibly his mother.

Were you the RQGW or her boyfriend, cerebrocrat?

He could have been an undertaker who DJed on the side. Or vice versa.

DJed on the other side, maybe.

Yeah, cerebrocrat, it was. Huh.

That too.

Póg mo thóin!!

Weirdly, I remember their names, too. If C and I went to college together, that would be odd.

Incidentally, last year that friend and his girlfriend both studied abroad in Ireland. I wonder what the Irish thought of the noise.

81: shutthefuckup. For real?!

78: heh. neither, thank heavens, but I was friendly with goth gal when she lived in my dorm (I'd only call her "quasi-" because when she first showed up, she was a metal chick rather than a goth gal. Then the hearse-driving boyfriend arrived.)

C, was she from a rich family who sent her to State as punishment for doing badly at some private school?

"Father Jeff" was his nom de spin, as I recall.

What would be funnier: that we know the same guy, or that we know different hearse-driving DJs?

But when a guy who's really quite polite and even a little quiet starts talking a little dirty in a deliberate and still quietly-inflected way, it's way hot.

"Suck my cock, and environs.".

Wait, don't confuse her with that other goth chick.

87,88: I'm embarrassed to admit that although we were friendly (not really friends; I was the RA on her floor), I don't know this about her and knew her boyfriend even less. I wasn't a very attentive RA, but I recall that their lovemaking sounds were well-known and not much appreciated on the floor.

I'm trying to remember the name of the dorm. Allegheny? On the south side, but all the names blend together.

89: funnier ha-ha, the latter. funnier trippy, the former. I'm rooting for funny ha-ha.

And of course I can't remember the RA on that floor. This would have been 90/91, I think.

Póg mo thóin!!

in niz khahad gozasht.

This would have been 90/91, I think.

DUDE. You're killing me.

FL and cereb: Just have sex already, and report back on what got said.

Okay, wait. The dorm was Watson. There was no Allegheny that I recall.

Whew. Disturbing coincidence averted, perhaps.

Well, there's two different possible questions here, right? There's "what do you say during sex," which is the "dirty talk" portion of the post title, and then there's "what noises do you make during orgasm," which is the "war whoops" portion of the title.

As for the dirty talk, I'll leave that to your imagination for the moment. As for the war whoops, all of my partners fallen into one of three (fairly cliche) categories: the "oh god"s, the "ah ah ah"s, or the nearly silent squeaky shakes. Beautiful, every one.

I've never paid careful attention to what noises I make. Maybe we can get my wife to start commenting here.

The thing is, I have to go to sleep.

99: Creepy trended created, tho.

Ok, not the same at all. Phew.

Does anyone else have voices in their head come out AND REALLY LOUD during cumming? Its like i'll hear some bbc roadio man in my head saying things about Vietmanese coups or somehting.

And this thread started so well, yet it's ended with the most unsexy things in the world: dorm sex and college reunions.

in niz khahad gozasht.

Not until I'm through, it won't.

Does anyone else have voices in their head come out AND REALLY LOUD during cumming?

They have meds for that kind of stuff these days.

I like the voices, right before sleep. I always have the most revolutionairy thoughts as i'm falling asleep, its like they exist to tormnet the cosmically bad timing. But i can hear choruses by individual; ANy sort of person or accent i can conjur, yet they have their own personality and say things i wouldn't have expected. They're never back, and so can't be friends, but as good as blankets.

Ok, maybe it's just that I'm a bit Becks-style, but yoyo is freaking me out.

*grins*

Aren't "the ah ah ah's" a band?

90: Humor is also good.

Talking during sex? No, I'm not in the habit of talking to myself. It'd be hard to say much through the sobs anyway.

112: if that were true, there woulnd't be a cliche of rouined moments when a roomate walks in that permanantly prevents smoochings from occuring

Aren't "the ah ah ah's" a band?

If they're not, they should be.

Once upon a time I lived near a guy from Wales who regularly screamed something unintelligible and quite loud out into the courtyard after his bed had banged against the wall for a time.

How does one say "Surrender Dorothy!" in Welsh?

Just arrived on this thread. I sigh and groan a bit, I think. I've been told by more than one person that's satisfying and nice to hear actually, that I'm letting go, abandoning myself in pleasure. A roommate of mine—male—with his girlfriend once made a long and sustained sort of scream, like that one at the very first of Immigrant Song, not so rythmic, thank god. I and my girlfriend, now my wife, were amazed at the sound, and were real quiet ourselves, having learned how thin the walls were. I remember us laughing in a stifled way, both at the memory of the sound and at trying to be quiet after hearing it.

114: Not all humor is equal. However, if someone ever said to me "suck my cock, and environs" during sex, I'd be thrilled.

I'm one of the super-quiet types, which is convenient for roommates, but actual partners tend to say that's it's disconcerting to not hear anything.

I blame the fact that, as a teenager, my bedroom was actually the room between the bathroom and the rest of the house, so there wasn't a whole lot of privacy to be had.

I remember the surreptitiousness, the conspiratorial quality of dorm sex, where I do remember staying quiet, contributed to the excitement.

its pretty hard to change ones' actiosn when unloading.

disconcerting to not hear anything.

I'd have to agree with this. Feedback is good.
(nonverbal feedback is better)

Feedback is good.

"You're really earning your pay today."

Humor is also good.

I intended 90 to be read as said in earnest OMG INTENTIONAL FALLACY NEVER MIND

Not if you're sleeping with a black man, though.

Maybe there was more to that delivery guy story than ogged was letting on.

I'm with IDP in 120. Some of the best sex I've ever had has been in circumstances when we (me and my partner, not me and IDP) had to be vewwwy quiet.

"And environs"? Earnestly? Awesome.

125 to 123, obvs.

120: Definitely. Although, excitement often intermingled with fear: God, does everybody on my floor know that I'm in here fucking a guy?

They did, turns out, so I could have relaxed a little and enjoyed the excitement part a little more.

"And environs"? Earnestly? Awesome.

Sure, but one had better nail the difference between "ha-ha" awesome and "endearing" awesome if one doesn't want to laugh one's way out of a chance to suck his environs.

Can't believe the thread has gone this far without anyone mentioning the ultimate horror.

Overhearing your parents going at it.

thanks for taking us there

Heh.

Why is that the ultimate horror?

I'll admit we're quite concerned the kids not hear us, which is burdensome since they're teenagers and slow to go to bed and sleep. Sometimes forces us to wait too long.

As ultimate horrors go, that's up there with Joey-put-a-slug-on-my-leg and the-exchange-rate-is-poor.

19: You'll never believe I didn't need to see the byline.

I think I would burst out giggling if Shivbunny (thanks ogged) started in on the dirty talk because it would sound so manufactured. And you know what happens if you have a giggling fit during sex?

Nothing, that's what.

Why is that the ultimate horror?

If you don't already understand, I'm not sure it can be explained.

the-exchange-rate-is-poor.

You've got to be kidding me.

gswift is telling us that it's a Man Code thing.

Have you seen the exchange rate lately?

130: Endearing awesome and ha-ha awesome aren't inimical. But yes, awesome in a laughing with, not laughing at, kind of way.

Sometimes I imitate Mr. B.'s mother's accent during sex. I think I've admitted that here before.

To clarify, if given a choice between auditioning the parental monkey sex and not, I'd choose not.

Sometimes I imitate Mr. B.'s mother's accent during sex.

Jesus Christ.

On the other hand, gswift's parents are on my iPod.

142:

Oh sure, try and backpedal you sicko.

PK gonna write a book titled Why I Am So Fucked UP.

Just sayin.

See forepeddle in 144.

143: I know, I've got a mean streak.

It's true I never heard my parents, and take care my kids don't hear us, but don't think it'd be all that disturbing, just embarrassing.

ikanspel ikanspel ikanspel woo

146: Sounds more like a blog title.

He just came out of his room with a lego thing he built and asked why I was giggling. I told him that he knows how I write stories about him on the computer sometimes, right? Well, someone just said that someday he's going to write a book called "Why I am so Fucked UP." He laughs.

Then he wants to know what I said that brought on that comment. Luckily I seem to have managed to stall and change the subject to his latest lego creation.

He's going to be to scarred to blog. And savvy enough to go straight for the book deal.

Well, in that case, he'll owe me thanks for providing so much material.

I didn't say he'd hate you, just that he'd write a book. I'm sure he'll take good care of you, and let you play with legoes.

Sounds great.

Indeed. Legoes rule, and his book will sell, so you can have LOTS of them.

The domain is available. You should give it to him for his birthday.

And you know what happens if you have a giggling fit during sex?

Well, I know what happens when my partners have done so. Feels like rapid-fire Kegels. Very, very nice if the timing is right.

As for geriatric sex, once the kid banged on the door to find out if we were all right. Hasn't done that again. I tell him to keep a notebook of various traumas now so he can save time at the shrink's when he hits middle- age.

I want some Legos.

PK's blog: Thanks Mom, GED.

Vaguely relevant post by Jackmormon.

161: Don't be such a snob, Ogged. Formal education's not for everyone.

Alternative PK blog: Born A Boy.

And again: do you have a problem with the cross-gendered?

Or: Why I Became A Republican.

Ok, that would be bad.

rilkefan, that's.... just... well done. really.

If She'd Only Cut My Hair.

I am going to make a recording of PK telling me NOT to cut his hair the next time I suggest that perhaps a trim is in order, and make Becks or someone post it to this blog.

I Blame The Matriarchy, by PK.

The young man just came out here to have me floss his teeth. The cat is sitting across my chest. He says, "Why does everybody that's small like Mama?"

Mock away, my friends, mock away.

Also, yesterday after school, we hung out at the playground for a bit, where a little girl in his class and he were hanging out on the climbing equipment. Some other little girls came by and asked if PK was a boy. The little girl he was hanging out with said, "of course he's a boy, look at his clothes." And then proceeded to get really annoyed by her friends for being so stupid. Eventually the annoying friends went away and PK and the little girl hung out for a while until I told him it was time to go so he could go to TaeKwonDo, she said, wide-eyed, you do TKD?

Later, walking home, I said, I think A. kind of likes you. And he said, yes, I think now she and I have someone to send valentines to.

"of course he's a boy, look at his clothes."

And PK's gonna hang out with this little tool of the patriarchy?

God damn it. Even PK gets more action than I do.

A friend of mine used to yell "Weehauken" at orgasm, because a former girlfriend had complained that he never made any noise during sex.

The Biophysicist and I have occasionally discussed the problems in Bosnia during sex, as part of a competition to see who can distract whom first. As he has far more self-control than I, he usually wins.

I Blame The Matriarchy

ogged wins.

I have visions of Sally & PK meeting in some future coed national Tae Kwon Do championship, bitter rivals, one wearing a special batsign sigil, the other's hair braided like a Spartan warrior's, ready to kick the crap out of each other. Then B and LB realizing who they are and melodramatically cringe in the sidelines.

That probably means the brain medicine is kicking in and its time to go to bed.

"The Biophysicist and I have occasionally discussed the problems in Bosnia during sex, as part of a competition to see who can distract whom first. As he has far more self-control than I, he usually wins."

um lol.

176: Is "Weehauken" better or worse than "Bombs away!"

Depends how you feel about New Jersey.

i like being loud (just general noise as opposed to particular words or phrases), but have almost always lived in situations where you can't really be, just because you don't want to mortify your neighbors/roommates/parents. but almost every guy i've been with has been relatively quiet. do guys just not like to make noise during sex? or do they actually like to, but think it's weird, and is something best left up the girl? i don't know. the only guy who was actually kind of noisy, which i liked, WOULD NOT STOP pulling my hair, even after i asked him, to the point that it was excruciatingly painful, and, what the hell. the sex was good, but not good enough to justify me losing my scalp.

Scalps are overrated.

181: I like New Jersey pretty well.

182: I think many guys are socialized to think then men are supposed to be stoic and silent during sex, whereas women are supposed to be all, you know, passionate and whatnot. I used to have to remember to make an effort to vocalize, because my girlfriend liked it when I did. Now it's second nature.

174: Actually it was the flowered sock day, but I held back from pointing that out. I was pretending not to be eavesdropping.

Notice that even after a comment on the ostensible subject of this thread, a thread which B had previously adjudged disappointingly boring, she's still whinging on about her kid.

do guys just not like to make noise during sex?

Well...I wouldn't make any noise at all unless I felt like I should make a conscious effort to communicate "yes, I am in fact enjoying this and am not bored" to my partner. Which I do. I don't know if the noises she makes are inadvertent or are part of a similar desire to be thoughtful.

Feel free to ignore my comments, Ben.

I mostly agree with 187, though I think it's worth adding that making noise may also be enjoyable for one's partner, not just communicative.

There's an obvious related question, which is do you make any noise while masturbating? If no, then vocalization is purely for communication/partner's pleasure and not something self-centered?

We (the guys) don't need to verbalize that we're enjoying ourselves. If we have a boner, we're having a good time.

177: ogged had already won with 123.

I've dated a couple of women who were very loud. One was a woman I dated in college who was 75-80% deaf, so I'm not sure she counts.

If ogged's not around, one can always rely on gswift to espouse the most crashingly stereotypical outlook on male behavior.

Somebody has to.

That's a biscuit conditional.

I like to think my stereotypical pronouncements are necessary to keep a minimum level of testerone present.

Also, none of you know me in real life, and can't tell to what degree I'm serious.

Next up, my thoughts on Asian drivers.

my thoughts on Asian drivers.

They make little whimpering sounds the whole trip, then really shriek when they arrive.

Don't back down now, gswift. It's not your fault that among this crowd anything like a mainstream opinion about gender is taken to be neanderthal talk. Plus, you said "boner," and that makes Ben uncomfortable.

"boner," and that makes Ben uncomfortable

Depending on where you put it.

Mainstream opinions about gender roles are pretty Neanderthal. Don't blame the messengers.

You're just saying that because your kid wears girl's socks.

Hey, at least she didn't cockblock him by pointing it out.

wears girl's socks

Excellent foreskin euphemism.

200: The horror. I'll sneak into his room before I go to bed and make sure his dick hasn't fallen off as a result.

Dude, Apo's on a roll tonight.

I'll sneak into his room before I go to bed and make sure his dick hasn't fallen off as a result.

If it has, the hair and sock part of the transition are already done.

And after all, the Boy Scout motto is "be prepared."

I was at friends for thanksgiving (Canadian) this year; one of them (3 roommates) ducked upstairs with his girlfriend.

Soon after we heard her *scream*, "FUCK MY HEAD THROUGH THIS WALL!!!"

Not subtle.

No way in hell is your kid in Boy Scouts.

204: I've had stellar setup lines.

But funny.

Canadian Thanksgiving is just weird. Way, way too early. Did y'all put it before Halloween just to be different, or is there some actual historical reason for that?

"FUCK MY HEAD THROUGH THIS WALL!!!"

"Okay, go get in the next room and I'll give it a shot."

208: You are correct. So far, the lad has not expressed any interest in organized homophobia, I'm glad to say. If it comes up, I don't know what we'll do; probably steer him towards 4H instead.

Heh. Steer. Funny.

"Okay, go get in the next room and I'll give it a shot."

This is called a "glory hole," isn't it?

It's because of latitude, apparently.

Don't play innocent, Ogged.

This is called a "glory hole," isn't it?

That feigned ignorance is fooling no one.

Damnit

214: Huh, thanks. That sounds kind of like a post-facto explanation, given the rest of that link, but it'll do.

Anyway, I'd usually just go into the office on Canadian Thanksgiving, because I found it impossible to think turkey and pumpkin pie four weeks into the semester.

Damn, I was just about to make the joke in 211. Can't beat the apostropher.

You can't really feign ignorance and still come up with "glory hole," people. It was just a slightly more elegant formulation than "That's a glory hole!!"

I for one have no idea what 220 is referring to.

And, where can I find one?

s/b "That's a glory hole! Hooray!"

The wikipedia "glory hole" disambiguation page is a bit surprising.

Actually, I find it hard to believe that men are actually willing to stick their cocks through a hole in a wall without being able to see what's on the other side. Yeeeek.

223: Damn. Who knew?

223: Excellent. I'm going to start calling the hall cupboard the glory hole.

224: It's like they learned nothing from Porky's.

Actually, I find it hard to believe that men are actually willing to stick their cocks through a hole in a wall without being able to see what's on the other side.

Here's a good rule of "thumb".

No matter how bizarre it seems to you, a substantial number of men are willing to do it.

227: Do I want to know?

228: I stand corrected. "Hard to believe" should have read "hard to understand."

But then I don't understand why women are willing to work for Hooter's, either.

How many people here have actually sat down and watched Porky's? I've probably seen around 30 or 40 minutes of it from running across it a couple time on cable.

But then I don't understand why women are willing to work for Hooter's, either.

Uh, the money's better than their other options?

232: I dunno. Better than stripping?

Though it probably is pretty good as these things go. My boyfriend told me that, surprisingly, working at those big stupid chain restaurants nets you way more in tips than working at the small nice places, b/c the small nice places actually don't pay any more in base salary and you don't have as much turnover. Apparently the main reason good wait staff work in good restaurants is because they hate Applebee's as much as the customers do.

229: Probably not, but in the interest of knowledge, here's the NSFW scene.

231: I've watched it, but it was about 20 years ago.

Anyone know anyone who's been Hooters girl? Is the money good? My sister worked a couple years at California Pizza Kitchen, and she said she definitely got better tips after dying her hair blonde. I'm guessing the skimpy outfits might have a similar effect, but I don't actually know this. My one and only visit to a Hooters was when my manager took a few of us there on a business trip in Saginaw.

234: Yep, you're right. Didn't need to see that.

234: Wow, I had never seen that. Thanks!

236 and 237 make a wonderful pair.

I wouldn't be surprised if Hooters girls made more in tips than waitresses at other chain restaurants; for one thing, the food's really expensive.

I can't believe you just admitted to eating there.

Why not? I was in high school.

Conceptual continuity: Porky's also was one of the first movie roles for Kim Cattrall, who played a character known as "Lassie" due to her howling during sex.

241: I just have kind of a rule about Hooters. I'd rather die than eat there. I feel the same way about Pretty Woman.

But okay, high school, I did some mortifying shit.

I just have kind of a rule about Hooters.

B won't eat any place where the waitresses are showing more cleavage than she is.

Actually, that's the emergency clause: if I ever have to go into that place, I'm going to take my top off.

I went with some friends, just once. The food was expensive and not very good, but the waitress was sweet.

If you licked the waitress, I hope you left her a really good tip.

Don't worry, we did.

The time I went was uncomfortable. 4 guys on a business trip, and our godamn manager was taking us to dinner and that's where we went. Of course he was ogling the waitress like some kind of stereotypical dirty old man. Based off of that experience, I'm guessing I'm not cut out for the strip club scene.

the waitress was sweet.

Oh, Stan.

Do they have strip clubs in SLC?

I've never been to a strip club; once I turned 18 I kind of wanted to, just for the experience, but somehow I was never around when my friends went (which they did from time to time). I don't regret not going.

250: Yep, that's the sort of thing.

252: You're not actually dead, Teo.

I no longer have any desire to go to a strip club, though.

So, you know, I might as well be.

Do they have strip clubs in SLC?

A few.

I went to one in Vegas once, simply out of curiosity. I also always wanted to go check out the Lusty Lady, but never did.

It sure is late. Maybe I should go to bed.

I went to one in Vegas once, simply out of curiosity.

"I never thought it would happen to me..."

? I went to a strip club, watched a few acts. One was depressing, one was sexy, the others were forgettable.

If I had sex with this thread, I'd have serious complaints about the signal-to-noise ratio.

Stanley! Where ya been?

Having sex. LOUDLY. Er, I mean, at a party.

I've only been to a strip club twice—once in Raleigh and once in New Orleans—and both times with mixed crowds that included my then-wife. Both were actually pretty interesting. In Raleigh, one of the dancers came and sat at our table for a good stretch after her shift was over and talked very candidly about the job. I think we were something of a novelty being a table of mostly couples. In New Orleans, they had the women in the front room and the men in the back. The front room was dull and kind of depressing, so we went to the back, and the two guys I watched dance were *amazing*. Crazy athletic and totally impressive. It was like Cirque du Soleil in banana hammocks.

You went to an actual orgy?

Are you surprised?

266 to 264. I'm sure Apo's been to actual orgies.

Yeah, I noticed the timestamp after I posted that.

I guess I'm just not as wordly as you are, Teo.

It is, of course, possible to have sex (even LOUD sex) at parties that are not orgies.

Just one.

"Wordly"?

270 to both 267 and 271.

Worldly, obviously. Typo.

I thought so, but then I wondered if you were making some other joke.

I did not in fact attend an orgy this evening. But the event I attended was pretty loud.

I'm going to bed. Good night, everyone.

I hate all of you. This could've been a great thread.

It's not surprising B would make a typo like that. She's not as wordly as Teo.

Night all.

You people and your sleeping. It's not even 4 in the morning yet!

Solidarity, apo. Let's find out what the UKommenters think. They'll be up any minute now, and I bet they have tons of crazy sex noises.

No, wait. They don't have sex. Else there'd be more of 'em.

"Think of the Queen!"

So, of over 280 comments, that looks like about 240 comments' worth of avoidance. Or 241, counting this one.

172 -- what does that say about Mr. B?

184: I suspect that my own tendency towards being relatively quiet during sex is a product of male socialization towards stoicism, especially since I'm pretty sure I learned it when I first started masturbating around ~13, at which time I was really, really, really emotionally fucked up and was busily stuffing every emotion I could lay my hands on into a little box in my head labeled, 'Danger, do not open!'.

I did unlearn some of that upon being told by one of my tops that I was sometimes a boring bottom 'cause I was so quiet. I did learn to be a bit more genuinely vocal in scenes, but never really unlearned the quiet sex part.

58: My first GF thought that that was the hottest thing in the world. She liked stories about fantastic sex, with dragons and exotic slave girls and wizards, and I used to lay in bed with her and tell her stories about such in a low, quiet voice. With lots of details.

I got some good sex in that relationship.

I've told this story before, but given that I'm not telling stories about myself or anyone I've ever had sex with for this thread, it's all I've got.

When I was first dating Buck, he was good friends with the guy in the apartment right upstairs from him, who was dating a friend of mine. The guy upstairs made noises like a 200lb pigeon during sex -- cooing, but a deep, loud, throaty, burbling coo. It was hysterical.

stories about fantastic sex, with dragons and exotic slave girls and wizards

Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.

235: When my daughter was waitressing and bartending she used to turn on a personality she called "Trixie". Near as I can tell from her explanation, Trixie gave off vibes of "I find you wonderful and under other circumstances I'd love to go home with you but I really can't 'cause I love my boy-friend and he'd kill both of us anyway". She uses a toned-down version of that in her current job.

"Pray my dear, have you not forgot to wind up the clock?"

292: I'll bet that just scattered your animal spirits something awful.

OT: Why do guys keep staring at my tits?

Gives a new meaning to the word headlights.

295: No, actually, it won't.

"quality shots!"

"Happy birthday, Grandma!"

Now that you mention it, it is amazing that this didn't devolve into a "worst possible things to say during sex" thread. And just as the "worst possible James Bond" discussion is ended as soon as someone says "Horatio Sanz", Hamilton Lovecraft has ended the "worst possible things to say during sex" discussion before it began.

300!

Seriously, that's what I shout during sex.

Becks also shouts "I'm coming, I'm coming!" when she bowls a perfect game.

Becks has a Spartan fetish?

worst possible things to say during sex: "Hah! At last my vengeance is complete!"

Wasn't that actually said during sex by Edmond Dantes?

304 and 298 both make the mistake of thinking that "the worst possible thing" will be something that can be recognized in any context as inappropriate, and that there will be one universal "worst possible thing". We, who are not currently copulating, can tell that "Happy birthday, Grandma!" is inadvisable during sex, indeed, highly inadvisable; thus we assume that it might well be the worst possible thing.

But how much more entrancing a possibility it is to consider, that the worst possible thing will not only be indexed by the ordered n-tuple of copulators, but also be something that in itself seems quite innocuous or ordinary, something like "I first saw Gould in the winter of 1932", "We're all working for the Pharoah", or "That's a nice one".

"That'll do, pig."

Well, there are some things that would be inappropriate in most situations, but for varying reasons, such as "Is the sun a planet?"

Or "Ain't I a stinker?"

"You are just like your mother!"

"Our cocks will block out the sun."
"Then we will fuck in the shade."
--300, Becks style.

I keep thinking of horrible ones which all imply that the other person is a child.

"Don't you fucking look at me! Don't you fucking look at me! Baby wants to fuck!"

I keep thinking of horrible ones which all imply that the other person is a child.

Pretty horrifying, for sure. I thought the same thing and was reluctant even to write examples because it is so icky.

I don't see anyone topping "Ain't I a stinker?". New thread please!

"Victory for the Forces of Democratic Freedom!"

i'd say almost any punchline to a clown joke would be universally awful. likewise asking what your partner's name is.

317: "Fuck you, clown!" ?

No, fuck me, clown.

"Shhh, just go back to sleep."

307's pretty awesome.

Agreed.

"Come on Dover, move your bloomin' arse!"

"Oooh, Neat!"

"Bacawk!"

'Are we there yet?'

Has anyone ever said said the wrong name during sex? I did once. I wasn't sure he heard, but I figured I should bring it up just in case he did hear. He hadn't heard.

"Do me, Dick Cheney! Do me!"

"Do Dick Cheney, me! Do him!"

Self-encouragement during sex is another bad idea.

"Don't make me taser you again, ogged."

"zOMG UR teh r0x0zr, lulz".

Oh yeah, I meant to ask this 300 comments ago and forgot.

Like, at the top of her lungs. Really fucking loud. I'M RIGHT HERE!!!

What were you doing to make her yell that?

"Shut up, hooker."

Pure phatic, I'm guessing.

Arthur Koestler may have won the contest. Sometime in the late 1920s he was getting it on with a blonde lady when he found out that when she came, what she would shout was "Heil Hitler".

She wasn't trying to be funny either. She'd sworn an oath to devote her orgasms to the good of the Party. She obviously had no ide who or what Koestler was.

I think the lover of the protagonist of "I Served The King of England" also shouted that during her orgasms. But then I assume you've read all the works of Bohumil Hrabal, John.

Oh yeah, I meant to ask this 300 comments ago and forgot.

Like, at the top of her lungs. Really fucking loud. I'M RIGHT HERE!!!

What were you doing to make her yell that?

"In niz khahad gozasht."

Hasn't everyone, Ned?

I'll be checking Hrabal out.

"This too shal pass". Persian.

"Beige. I think we should paint the bedroom beige."

"Are you in yet?" has a noble history.

"Oh, by the way, I have a confesson to make..."

"Oh, by the way, I have a confesson to make..."

I've had someone tell me that, immediately after we had sex.

Fortunately, I didn't get the herpes.

Despite us then having a Long Long Talk about why this was such a very very very Bad Practice, she later did the same thing with at least two other men who were friends with mine.

Since then she's had several novels published (this was a couple of decades ago); I like to think that she finally quit engaging in the other practice.

Before I met her my ex-wife was given gonnorhea by a very famous person. Too bad you can sell that shit on E-bay.

To the original post, admittedly silly at this point, after 300+ comments:

Whooping and yelling? No, not in those terms. Sounds a bit too much like: Yeah baby yeah baby yeah!

Huh? Sex as trampoline. About as appealing as the ass-slapping or the "you know you love it, bitch" sort of language that someone else alluded to.

306 -- didt'n Borges write a story about that?

348, I hope so.

This one's a dialogue, from a friend of a friend during a one-night stand:

"Is it in yet?"

"Baby, I'm done"

[Long pause]

"GET OUT."

349, yeah this's the one I'm thinking of.

What an odd wikipedia category.

I like the sub-categories into which that one is divided.

350 is hilarious.

In 350, I couldn't really figure out which of the partners was saying "GET OUT" -- was it the woman, disappointed at the lack of endowment of her Don Juan, or the man, horrified to think his lover had not found him adequate, banishing her from his quarters?

325 - "Bacawk!"

is fucking hilarious.

Well, it would be the logical conclusion to the pre-orgasmic "200-pound pigeon" cooing.

With eyes a-bulging.

Just got back from a superbowl party at the same place I had Canadian thanksgiving...same couple (of the "fuck my head through the wall" fame) duck upstairs at halftime. We turn down the volume on Prince to hear what we can...

"no, no, no, no".

"Come on baby, just one more"

"NO!"
(followed almost immediately by)
SMACK!

"First we're going to cut your penis off, then we'll cut it up and eat it."

355: The woman was throwing the man out of her apartment.

"We believe in nothing, Lebowski. Nothing. And tomorrow we come back and we cut off your chonson."

Everytime I think I've learned my lesson that reading comment threads during class leads to inappropriate laughter (it turns out that Congressional power to apportion jurisdiction among intermediate appellate courts isn't very funny), it turns out that I'm mistaken.

19, 22: The first time as tragedy, the second time as farce.

Damn, if only I'd posted that a day and a half ago.

I'm pretty darn boring w.r.t. sex noises; I wonder if a similar banality is what keeps most people from actually sharing on this thread.

"yayyyy wiggles"