Yes, but they don't want him to remain in the state.
Oy. Vey.
Wow, what an unconvincing claim to heterosexuality. Haggard's, I mean. I guess it's possible that he just happened to bang the meth salesman, but it's pretty suspicious.
"He is completely heterosexual," Ralph said. "That is something he discovered. It was the acting- out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing."
Why Haggard chose to act out in that manner is something Haggard and his advisers are trying to discern, Ralph said.
I love "acting out," like he's six.
He was acting out before. Now he'll return to acting closeted.
How many babes did he have to bang before they believed him? I bet they had a lot of volunteers for the deprogramming work. A lot of Christian babes are hot to trot, especially if it's God's work.
""This is a good place for Ted," Ware said. "It's hard to heal in Colorado Springs right now. It's like an open wound. He needs to get somewhere he can get the wound healed."
He should change his name to Jake and move to Spain.
What's a little creepy is the idea of Haggard going into the "helping professions."
6: What, a closeted ex-televangelist isn't the first person you'd think of if you were looking for psychological help? Bigot!
"Let me help you finish that crystal meth."
the four-man oversight board strongly urged Haggard to go into secular work instead of Christian ministry if Haggard and his wife follow through on plans to earn master's degrees in psychology.
Translation: "go fuck with the heathens."
5: Do you think pretending to be gay and going into gay rehab would be a good way to get a lot of action?
10: Might be worth a try. Let us know how it goes.
Personally, I demand videos with hot chicks. And there have to be observers in the room to make sure penis doubles aren't spliced in.
Does Gayle Haggard qualify, John?
Do you think pretending to be gay and going into gay rehab would be a good way to get a lot of action?
I read a column back in the 80's sometime about this dude who would pretend to be a Richard Simmons-alike while attending aerobics classes with lots of chicks: he would 'allow' carefully selected members to 'teach him' that he was 'really' heterosexual, which was all credited to that particular woman's amazing feminine charms, of course. Supposedly this was a very successful. Hell, it might even be true.
The Rev. Ted Haggard emerged from three weeks of intensive counseling convinced he is "completely heterosexual" and told an oversight board that his sexual contact with men was limited to his accuser.'It was an accident! He's cock just fell into my mouth!'
The Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur also said the four-man oversight board strongly urged Haggard to go into secular work instead of Christian ministry if Haggard and his wife follow through on plans to earn master's degrees in psychology.'I'm like, totally messed up with addictions and accidental gay sex! I'd make a perfect therapist....'
In the message, Haggard revealed that he and his wife, Gayle, intend to leave Colorado Springs and pursue master's degrees through online courses.'...especially with my brand new degree from the University of Phoenix!'
Another oversight board member, the Rev. Mike Ware of Westminster, said the group recommended the move out of town, and the Haggards agreed. "This is a good place for Ted," Ware said. "It's hard to heal in Colorado Springs right now. It's like an open wound. He needs to get somewhere he can get the wound healed."'Get that embarressing fag out of our goddamn town!'
He admitted buying methamphetamine but said he never used it.'I fed them to the cat! Man, she was fuckin' wired for days!'
"He is completely heterosexual," Ralph said.(Tammy Faye Baker lookalike): 'I prayed to God and I prayed to God, one night, WHAM! God sent the Titty Fairy come and now I'm a Triple E!'
"That is something he discovered. It was the acting- out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing."'Now, if he'd spent eight hours a day having gay sex instead of three hours a day, that'd be different.'
Steering Haggard away from a return to ministry was based, in part, on Haggard's high profile, Ralph said. He cited biblical passages about holding influential figures to a higher standard.'Well, how kin ya advocate the return of stoning for adultry if'n yer always screwing fairies? And who in hell would pay money for that kind of ministery? I got kids ta feed here!'
"Many of us that go into the healing, helping professions do so out of some sort of dysfunction or traumatic event in our lives, and we want to do what we can to help other people avoid what we've gone through," he said. "He is certainly gifted and intelligent and has an intuitive side to him. And he has life experience. Those are good credentials."'Yeah, and he's one fucked up motherfucker, so he's perfect for helping other scumbucket nutjobs with their... issues.'
m, even the nocturnal ones!
5:
I agree. How do you test to make sure the gay has been cleaned out of him?
Gayle doesn't quite cut it, I'm afraid. I was thinking of something like NSFW Tawny
15: Take him in the shower and show him your penis.
16: I think Gayle is cute, but that jacket is awful.
That Dobson quote is still the absolute funniest thing ever.
What I love about the Dobson line: it always makes me think of late-night dorm lounge conversations 20 years from now, about how parents are so f'ed up, and oh yeah? you think that's weird? well my dad...and everyone is like, whoa, dude, that's fucked up, pass the bong.
Wait, wait.... so that's why Labs is in a Secret Location without easy internet access.
17:
That is fabulous. I hadnt read that. I bet that a review of the metatags of the draft of Dobson's comments would show that he originally included "Make sure your son hears you giving it to his mom really well."
22: Labs is with his dad in the shower?
Could I hijack this comments thread please?
A British friend is in Boston for 6 months, and wants to know what she should watch on tv. Recommendations gratefully received!
Thank you very much.
Re Haggard - I'm speechless.
Being degayified. Whether or not they're achieving this goal by making him look at daddy's penis, I can't say.
what she should watch on tv
Sports.
26:
Are you ready to assist Labs in proving his nongayness?
25: That answer to that should be obvious.
28: Being as the three weeks of "intensive counselling" is now over and the man is now "completely heterosexual," there's really no need.
Plus he's married, and adultery, as we all know, is a sin.
Wait, I'm just functionally illiterate.
It doesn't help that I'm so slow I didn't make the joke until we'd drifted well away from the original post.
I'm beginning to understand Labs' thing for Megan McArdle. It's about the Halloween choices.
NYBlade: "Watch the commercial very closely in the seconds before the kiss. Pay careful attention to the jerking motion of the Snickers bar as the first man starts chewing it and you'll see it imitating the movement of an erect, twitching penis. You don't think that was intentional?"
Also, it's covered in chocolate, just like a real penis.
Old Headline: "Haggard sets new rehab record."
New copy line: "Breakthrough promises to ease prison overcrowding."
25: what she should watch on tv
Survivor! I am so excited that the newest one starts Thursday.
(Go ahead and mock. Lord knows it's more entertaining than major league sports.)
She said all she has seen so far on BBC America is Cash in the Attic and news at inconvenient times. Not sure that's a winner ....
Apo, thanks, I'll suggest she devotes herself to the sports channels. Perhaps brainwashing will make her think American football is worth watching!
Survivor maybe - which series are you up to now? I watched one series of the British version, but you've had about 312 haven't you?
Mayor Gavin Newsome is going into rehab. That is just lame.
42. J ...
Told you days ago, it was not an affair ... merely a case of mistaken identity.
Survivor! I am so excited that the newest one starts Thursday.
I can't believe that's still on.
Among shows on the air now:
Dramas: Battlestar Galactica. Rome. Lost.
Comedies: The Daily Show and The Colbert Report.
Other: Mythbusters.
Oh, I left off House. Which is maybe especially a good idea, what with the Hugh Laurie and all.
Heroes. Rome. Daily/Colbert.
Friday Night Lights would probably not make sense.
Tell her not to watch tonight's Veronica Mars unless she agrees to write a pissy letter to the network.
CSI, but only the Las Vegas original. It's extruded forensics product, but it's fun extruded forensics product.
Re: original topic. There is no comment I could make that would be anything other than a pale and wan reflection of the Camusian absurdity of the original. I will not debase myself trying.
42: Oh great, now the wine lists in his restaurants will go to shit.
