Come on, you didn't actually send that to somebody? Did you? I'm going with "this is -gg-d messing with us" until I see some evidence to the contrary.
Dude, the man's got game. This is the language of youth.
Plus, ogged couldn't maintain a "relationship" from which to become suddenly single.
This whole trying-to-score-with-the-lifeguard thing is just -gg-d fantasizing about getting back at her for commenting on his gut.
First pargraph: Fine, great.
But you did NOT really use a little winky face. And "Let me know!" Did you?
Bitch, Ph. D. took the bait.
Actually, I think someone announcing his own stalkerifficity might be a little frightening (haha).
When I went to swim tonight, the cute young 20ish lifeguard smiled at me. I thought, "she wouldnt want to go out with me at all."
8: I'm gullible. And I trust Ogged, even though he abuses me terribly.
10 -- do I smell a stalking in the offing?
7: The real atrocity, had this actually been sent, is "anywho".
12: Should I ask her out? I realize that we are only 15 years apart, but she smiled at me. Twice.
13: Nonsense. Anywho is colloquial, if slightly toolish; a winky face and exclamation point are just pathetic.
OTOH, if the e-mail was sent, and if she responds favorably, then I think we can assume things are going to go very well, indeed.
We should come up with more off-putting lines for lifeguard-stalking emails. Too much actual advice has been given, as has been noted before, and now Ogged has invited us to plunge into parody.
14 -- Go for it man -- some of those younger women are really looking for an older, more experienced guy to introduce them to the mysteries of love.
17: "Wanna practice some mouth-to-mouth?"
I hereby proclaim IP dibs over "anywhat" and "anywhy".
14--But remember that these young women are all delicate flowers and you might break her heart, causing her to fling herself into the sea. Of course, since she's a lifeguard that would probably work out okay.
I think he should stick with "I love breaststroking!"
I'm a surrender-monkey when it comes to emoticons. I won't use them; I feel they are horribly wrong; but I also feel that this belief puts me in a fading remnant that will be ignored by the future. I feel like William Holden saying to Faye Dunaway in Network, "You're television incarnate, Diana -- indifferent to suffering, insensitive to joy." You're instant messaging incarnate, cute lifeguard -- indifferent to syntax, insensitive to irony.
Anywho, though, is explosively, incontinently toolish.
You fancy me stalkerrific. Stalkers know nothing. But you should have seen me. You should have seen how wisely I proceeded -- with what caution -- with what foresight, with what dissimulation, I tracked down your e-mail!
I feel they are horribly wrong; but I also feel that this belief puts me in a fading remnant that will be ignored by the future.
Stay strong. You have friends--nay, supporters--out there.
I agree with Apostropher and Wrongshore about "anywho" -- that was what made me formulate my "this is -gg-d messing with us" hypothesis.
ogged34: Sup
TeenSwimmer89: sup who RU?
ogged34: We talked that one time at teh pool. Scar guy?
TeenSwimmer89: oh hi
ogged34: What RU doing?
TeenSwimmer89: Hanging out.
ogged34: Love me. Please, god.
[TeenSwimmer89 has logged off]
Well, "suddenly single" may also be problematic. Could it mean "rebound" with a suddenly unattached errata, or is the body still in the closet? Stay tuned (with white knuckles). Otherwise, well done, Ogged (who really didn't send it ... this is the "dry run" edition to incorporate feedback from the Unfogged gang)
You anti-emoticon people are just luddites. Every new publishing medium develops its own incidentals. Deployed well, they're great. It's just that they're so often deployed abominably.
"I discussed the possibility of your being the clingy, underread type with some online friends, and we decided that although this is probably the case, you are a big girl who can handle your feelings by yourself. Did I mention that I recently had cancer and require ego-stroking sex?"
(And come to think of it, "so as not to sound like such a codger" was fine tip-off before even getting to the text of the purported e-mail.)
"Suddenly single" follows logically from 24.
17: "You're cute and bubbly, I'm scarred, emotionally and (as you probably noticed) otherwise: we're a match made in Hollywood Heaven."
"If you show me your dead-man technique, I'll show you my one-handed typing."
Thanks, SCMT. It's good to know that people who say nay are on my side. Get the Poe-parodists to sign up and we will be fucking nigh on unstoppable.
The horrible thing is that I suspect emoticons are genuinely useful for communication. Irony and even sarcasm seem to spell certain doom in IMing -- an occasional winky parenthesis clarifies things immensely.
Speaking of which, is anyone else saddened by how many people say in their online personal ads that they seek sarcasm in a partner? That sounds so horrible.
I am such a prig.
29 -- that's what I meant. Indeed, I even deleted a sentence where I put "bitchphd has had all sorts of IM adventures -- I bet she'll consign me to the dustbin of history".
I'm the Prince who's just waiting for you: my Princess!
I agree with those who say that Anywho" is the most appalling of the whole appalling thing. You should send it ogged, it will insure that you no longer have to worry about the possibility of having sex with with her.
38: No, I'll just argue that like any other use of language, blanket rules are silly.
Looks spot-on, except for the "suddenly single" part.
teenswimgurl: oh shit mom over shoulder
ogged: is ur mom hott?
35: "If you want help with homework, term papers, etc., I'm your man! You won't have to read any of those bo-o-o-ring Clif's Notes again."
42
"You should send it ogged, it will insure that you no longer have to worry about the possibility of having sex with with her."
S/B
"You should send it ogged, it will insure that you no longer have to worry about the possibility of having sex with with me".
Young people are different than you and me, Idealist.
Except "never end a sentence with a preposition", that's a good'n.
For all our mockery, it could work. The number of couples I know who are together because of the suaveness of one of the parties is pretty small.
38: Blanket rules are silly, yes. But unsustainable, categorical aesthetic pronouncements are our bread and butter. When toasted, they fall butter-side down. Where was I?
Speaking descriptively, however, there are pleasures of language common to many on these threads that emoticons and other IM shorthands make difficult. On the occasions that I've chatted, I've felt like I was from another planet. William Holden to Faye Dunaway.
OTOH, knowing a little Spanish helped immensely the first time I tried to have a sex chat. So there.
50: That's true, for sure. Dorky awkwardness leads to sex quite often, as long as it's sincere.
One advantage of sending out a really dorky first message is that if it works, you know that either she's highly uncritical, or else that she's got a rationally-inappropriate crush on you.
depends on what she looks like. Post the pics.
55: Or that she's luring you in so that she can humiliate you in some complex Generation Awesome way in front of her friends. But perhaps that's part of the appeal.
54 may be the most encouraging thing ever posted to this blog.
Dorky awkwardness leads to sex quite often, as long as it's sincere.
Note to self: Must practice sincerity.
54: "sincere" s/b "earnest"
I feel that the "(haha)" is more horrible than the "anywho", but it's hard to decide.
Young people are different than you and me, Idealist.
Sure. But they would have to be something like a different species for ogged's proposed e-mail to work.
. . .
On reflection, perhaps I was looking at this wrong. Maybe the analysis is as follows: only a woman who is an idiot would be charmed by such a message. Only a woman who is an idiot would hook up with ogged. Hence, the message is a perfect screening device.
I change my view. Masterfully clever, ogged.
Jesus Christ. No "anywho".
"suddenly single" is not good, especially if talking to someone younger than you. She already may be suspicious that you're just interested in an older guy/younger girl thing and "suddenly single" screams "I'm on the rebound and looking to bang a hot young thing before I go back to looking for someone to really date."
Also, you've given her (1) no reason for why you want to go out with her. No compliments, no "I kind of dig you and here's why" hints, nothing. Also (2) no reason she should go out with you. You haven't tried to win her over at all. You should at least throw in a joke or something (not a joke-joke, but some joke about the pool or referencing a conversation you've had) so she'll think "oh yeah, he's pretty funny. I'd probably have a good time with him".
The practiced casualness of the email is what kills it. If it was just straight-up, here's what's up, it might just work.
For some reason, it's the "Yay!" that really disturbs me, as if Ogged had been momentarily replaced by a peppy young woman in customer service.
53: I realized. Surprisingly, I had mostly really smart and interesting chats with guys I met on sex sites. Of course this is partly because I wouldn't talk to guys who typed things like "howRU?" or "asl?"
Becks apparently posted 66 before reading comments 1-65.
All you laughing squirrels who thought this was something I might actually send once again owe me a fucking apology. The exercise was to squeeze as many cringe-inducing missteps as possible into two plausible lines. You really know how to hurt a guy.
I just thought maybe Ogged finally lost it between the time I left for the gym and came back.
God, I think you all are just evil. If I knew some guy that I'd seen frequently at, say, a pool, and we'd chit-chatted and I thought he was cute and seemed nice, and he sent me an email like that, I'd go out with him.
We don't tell you you're easy just to hurt your feelings, B.
"some guy that I'd seen frequently at, say, a pool, and we'd chit-chatted and I thought he was cute and seemed nice, and he sent me an email like that" s/b "some guy"
also, ;-).
"I thought he was cute and seemed nice" is kind of the kicker, right?
It doesn't hurt my feelings to be a forgiving, kindly soul, Ogged.
If you had been serious, I'd have mentioned the cancer. Chicks dig the big C, I've heard.
80:
"PS: I had cancer -- o noes! -- but all better now. That's why I have that hella awsum scar, lol."
Poor ogged. Not only did he never really intend to sexxor this hott girl, his spiralling out public fantasies of wooing her, wrongly, rightly, this way or that, made doing so impossible.
I didn't find out about my beau's cancer until we were already undressing. I shoulda said "Cancer? Shit, that's all you had to say, Mister!"
I took it upon myself to revise your e-mail incorporating all comments provided heretofore. It captures the essence of the consensus. Ogged, not only will she be impressed, but your moniker fits right in.
Dear [Lifeguard],
Lorem ipsum dolor sit Ogged amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit, sed diam nonummy Ogged nibh euismod tincidunt ut laoreet dolore magna aliquam erat volutpat. Ut wisi enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exerci tation ullamcorper suscipit lobortis nisl ut aliquip ex ea commodo Ogged consequat.
[Sweet Breaststroking Man]
40: "Poor ogged."
83: "Poor ogged."
I reject your pity, my dear Jackmormon.
I think that it is a sign of something (the apocalypse?) that while trying to construct the most implausible message possible, Ogged accidentally came up with something only this short of perfect.
Like I said ages ago, it was just missing the wizard hat and cloak.
Question: should "hanging out" be considered unambiguous code for casual sex.
Also, "slippery persian wiles" s/b "wit"
I reject your pity, my dear Jackmormon.
Dude, she likes Iranians. Reject nothing!
Dear [Sweet Breaststroking Man]
You had me at "anywho."
[Lifeguard]
Dude, she likes Iranians. Reject nothing!
Timbot speaks truth. I accept you and your pity, Jackmormon. Even your khoresht, however you choose to spell it.
it was just missing the wizard hat and cloak
I looked that up and found the exchange, but I don't know what the context was supposed to be. Was it someone's jokey creation?
71 gives me hope yet. Trying to be witty when you have lots of time=try-hard.
W/r/t the stalkerrific part of Ogged's message -- the first and only girl I went out with via online personals, in the first proper email she sent me (i.e. not via the site), wrote "I dare you not to Google me until we meet." Which I found really, really sexy. Unfortunately, it was too late; using only my wits, her profile, and her first name, I'd already ID'd her.
67: where are these sites? with the smart people looking for horndog chattin'.
I don't know what the context was supposed to be. Was it someone's jokey creation?
The wizard guy was trolling cyber sex-chat sites.
Holy shit, then I need to reread those.
where are these sites? with the smart people looking for horndog chattin'.
Look for the characteristic dead-tree banner pic.
98 - The one where he pretends to be a teenaged lifeguard is my favorite, even better than the one where he claims to be a future sacrifice to Ba'al.
100: I am so ready to cyber-get-it-on with Kieran Healy now. Talk about a seminar.
The merits of emoticons as a whole are debatable, but those who employ the winking one clearly deserve to die alone.
Oh right, Crooked Timber has one, too.
/me interrogates your boundaries
Aaand the link in 102 makes weep for humanity.
97: See, whereas I, modern woman that I am, honestly never even think to google people.
Believe it or don't, the site I was using was AFF. Hang out in the chat rooms long enough late at night, and once in a while someone smart wanders in. The trick is you have to say hi to *everyone* in order to figure out who's worth talking to; the up side is that the people who aren't, you can figure it out within one or two exchanges.
This internet-shared sublimation of pining for young flesh must stop. I advise all friends of ogged to strongly encourage him to continue his search for sexual reassignment surgery.
I think ogged should suggest they go somewhere in costume, he going as a pirate. Later, when the costumes are coming off, he should say, "Do you know what pirates get from cancer? Scarrrrrrrrrrrrrrs!!!"
If she stays, it was meant to be. If she walks the plank, well, she's a lifeguard. She'll survive.
Re-reading 112 and this from last night, I realized 112 is the second comment in a row in which I suggest that ogged don costume. Clearly I have a problem. Sorry, ogged. It's me, not you.
Jesus H. Christ, if that note actually gets Lifeguard into bed, I will cut off my own left ball in protest against the fundamental injustice of the cosmos. Or perhaps Ogged's. Haven't decided yet.
I think that it is a sign of something (the apocalypse?) that while trying to construct the most implausible message possible, Ogged accidentally came up with something only this short of perfect.
But is it not precisely that which falls "this short" which is the worst of all?
Costumes? He should find out if Lifeguard is a furry.
109: Ah, but see, doesn't AFF make you pay to chat? I guess if you put a high enough barrier to entry you can weed out some of the tools.
115: The Uncanny Valley theory of picking up chicks? Sounds plausible. However, I think that Ogged was trying to miss the mark completely, so at best this is like slop in pool.
That's what I'm saying—paradoxically, the "most complete" missing of the mark is that which comes closest to hitting it.
Just like in Skee-Ball...if you aim for the 100, you either get 100 or zero. But if you barely aim for anything at all, you get a safe 20.
"stalkerrific (haha)"
I see that the thread is over this, but come one, did anyone really think ogged could write those two words in that order in earnest? I mean, sure, he's got this inept shtick going, but we do read the guy's posts. We may take his anecdotes regarding personal communications at face value, but we have to assume that he knows how to write emails.
120:Thank you for referring 2 me. It had been a while + I was feeling underappreciated.
save those tickets, kids. You could get three superballs.
I once knew a girl who used not "anywho" but, instead, "anyhoo." I always liked her way best.
I am so late to this party, but I gotta say, where is the love for 24? That is the funniest thing I've read on this whole thread, including the previous incarnation. Take a bow, eb, that was beautiful.
And to 104: Amen.
I had to withdraw all the love for 24 to apply it to 27.
I've come up with a new pick-up line for Ogged. "Let's play 'little Ali Babba explores your cave of wonders'."
Does anyone else hear John McEnroe's voice (mp3) in their head (like, constantly) when reading things online?
The McEnroe line is appropriate in 99% of the situations one might find oneself in.
Ogged is obviously channeling wingnut bloggers blogging from their mommy's basements and their laughable attempts to procreate. Except hmm. Said pasty-skinned cheeto-stained-fingered bloggers would never go near a swimming pool because, like, they might have to wear a bathing suit and expose their pasty flabby limbs to people other than their mommies, hmm...
After wondering if 130 was a parody or not, and then reading some of BadTux's blog, I have to admit that he knows a lot about tents.