Ah, the unholy trinity of financial, social and cultural capital.

It's not possible to be a decent human being and not loath a man who named one of his kids "Dixie." And I like, a lot, about half of his books.

The second story reminds me of the time in Reno when, after a mini-lecture on statistics, my dad put a quarter in a slot machine as an object lesson and won fifteen dollars. We thought it was hilarious. However, I suspect slot machines are less likely to move a kid's imagination than are horsies.

I'm just glad he didn't buy his kids a lottery ticket. Horse racing, and the gambling which comes along with it, at least has some dignity to it, and you can draw something decent out of the experience. If, on the other hand, they'd had a similarly lucky experience with winning the lottery, they could have been warped for life.

(Cool story about the slot machine, Jack.)

I used to know a guy who claimed he could make a living off betting on horses. He was a braggart and a liar, but that doesn't mean that he wasn't telling the truth that one time.

5: I once met a guy who did make a living off betting on horses. It involved travelling 200+ days a year (by bus, mostly, all over the country), and in the end he was making 50k USD or so doing it. Not exactly a high roller. But he loved horse races.

"If they see you have lots of loot they won't throw you anything"

This, definitely. Also, kids need to hide their beads so that older people won't steal the from them. Oh you say you'd never do that on the way to the parade but every adult does it. I've snatched beads from the tender, innocent hands of four year olds before. I might might give them back if they start to cry. Depends on how good the beads are. (Shut up. You just don't know.)

Horse racing, and the gambling which comes along with it, at least has some dignity to it

I have to say, this does not match my experience at the racetrack at *all*. "Dignity" is the last word that comes to mind.

My boss says that he knows how to consistently win money on dog racing, but it would need to be another full-time job for him to keep up with all the relevant information.

4. The owner of a famous race track used to refer to the parimutual as "wagering" as opposed to "betting" because it supposedly involved some skill. As for Lewis, I enjoy reading these essays, but it is a little too much sitcom, i.e. idiot dad and smartmouth kids.

9 is basically what I'm talking about. He spent more than a full time jobs worth of time on research and travelling.

Emphasis on the word "some," Josh.

You still have the beads you crushed those childrens' hearts for, right Becks?

2: At least he didn't title this tale Because of Quinn-Dixie.

The first (and only) time I went to a casino, I won $200 at the blackjack tables. The temptation to go back and put all my savings on the line, because I'm of course bulletproof now, is greater than I expected.

Becks! You stole beads from children? That's horrible!

Horsies are very pretty. As long as you expect to lose all of the money you wager, you can have an okay time at the races.

16: yeah, but she offered to give them back, if they'd show her their tits.

People have been writing about smartmouth American kids ever since H S J Crevecoeur before the American Revolution. It's been played, Michael!

My grandfather used to claim he mostly won at horse betting. He wasn't a big gambler -- literally a few pounds a week from his pension -- but he really enjoyed reading the Racing Post and following the form of horses in the newspaper and so on. He certainly believed that someone who paid attention and was fairly knowledgeable and didn't take risky bets could consistently make more than they lost.

I have no idea if that's true.

I did used to know a guy who made a reasonable amount of money from pub gaming machines -- mostly quiz machines -- couple of hundred pounds a week (at least). However, it was almost a full time thing for him -- he was in pubs playing machines most nights. Not much of a life.

pub gaming machines

I've seen those! Do they actually disperse real money? I thought you played for more opportunities to play, like with video games.

In the UK they dispense real money. Quiz machines offer a chance to win more than you lose if you are good (and are familiar with the particular machine). Most of the other gaming machines -- slot machines -- are a good way to lose a lot, quickly.

Also, I remember being in a student union and a guy I vaguely knew coming round collecting cash off people because he was convinced (he claimed) that one of the bandits (i.e. a slot machine) was about to pay out big. A bunch of us gave him a few pound each as a stake. And sure enough, he won about 100 quid. So we all made back a bit of extra cash for beer.

No idea if he was just lucky or not.

I didn't steal beads from children, per se. I did, however:

1. Intercept beads that were tossed in the direction of children mid-flight, using my superior height.
2. Win at tugs-of-war over beads with five year old children when the honorable thing to do would be to let go and give them to them.
3. Make unequal bead trades with children, knowing I was getting a better deal than they were.

Life lessons, all. And, like I said, you'd do it too. You say you wouldn't. Every year, I said I wouldn't. And every year...

And, yes, I do still have the beads I crushed the children's hearts for.

ttaM, I think that's a pretty general rule for gambling of any sort. They break into too types; first the type that nobody can win at long term (roulette, blackjack) or with odds are so infinitessimally small that the expected value is negative (lottery), which is the same thing pretty much. The second type you can win small amounts at consistently if you put a hell of a lot of effort into it, but so few people actually will that it doesn't affect the returns much.

Now I understand why Becks is crushing LB.

I should add, the companies screw up sometimes. Some of the early digital machines were game-able, for example. But they fix that right quick when they find out.

A friend of mine is very good at watching someone else play a slot machine for a while and then determining how close it is to paying out. Because so much of it involves watching someone else play and then swooping in when they walk away from a machine that's about to pay (relatively) big bucks, she mostly sits nearby and watches like a vulture on an a utility pole watching a rabbit try to cross a road. I have to confess that she does have a knack for being right and I think it's probably for the best that she doesn't live somewhere slot machines are legal.

20: I had some relatives who loved the horses. They always claimed they were making money, and after they retired they went on a perpetual free vacation from track to track and around again.

It doesn't seem implausible to me that you could make money betting on the horses, if you knew an awful lot about horses and most bettors didn't. The odds are going to insure that the betting population as a whole loses, but that doesn't mean that the best informed segment of that whole couldn't reliably come out ahead.

About four or five years ago there was a big NYT Magasine profile of a professional gambler, who made most of his money on the track. If I recall correctly, he didn't play on knowledge of the horses (unless he had a really hot inside tip, which was rare) so much as he played the odds---and, most importantly, had a really big capital pool enabling him to survive losses that would be crippling to the rest of us.

Bet my money on de bobtail nag, somebody bet on de bay. The race track makes its money by holding the race, and taking a slice of the handle. The winners are taking the losers' money, like in a poker game, as opposed to a casino, where you are playing against the house.

You haters are missing the point of Lewis's piece, which is 100% true: kids don't know when they've got it good. I'm constantly trying to prep PK for his show and tell days by pointing out to him what's *really* important about whateveritis. That and the lectures about how when *I* was a kid, they didn't *have* bedside lamps that sang the Pirates of the Caribbean song, and so you need to really *appreciate* how cool it is, and how cool your parents are for buying you things you don't really *need* because they're cool.

These are the trials of social mobility: if you do better than your parents, you'll spend most of your adult life trying to keep your children from turning into spoiled brats, even as you spoil them terribly.

if you do better than your parents, you'll spend most of your adult life trying to keep your children from turning into spoiled brats, even as you spoil them terribly

True that.

if you do better than your parents

Luckily, I'm in no real danger of this.

I find that I am constantly reminding my offspring that downward mobility is also possible, so they had better do their homework, chores or whatever. Doesn't work.

pointing out to him what's *really* important about whateveritis.

It's a very serious condition or whatever.

That's when your whatever is irritated.

We've always been pretty clueless, or at least overly hopeful, about how much our kids will appreciate cool experiences. Right around the time they turned two, we got to go behind the scenes with the zoo director here to meet the new baby penguin. My daughter Maura stands nose to beak with the thing, and I'm thinking, OMG, a baby penguin... whereupon she says "duck" and wanders off to check out the nearest wastebasket.

I should probably worry more about my kids being spoiled than I do -- I worry about them being impolite, or annoying, but not with the spoiled so much. Usually, when I come up with some material possession that I think would have been really cool at their ages, their reaction is completely unimpressed -- not because they're jaded, but because they're just uninterested.

I find that I am constantly reminding my offspring that downward mobility is also possible, so they had better do their homework, chores or whatever. Doesn't work.

Absolutely true for me as well.

This is why I'm doing your children a valuable service by taking their beads.

You should encourage your kids to read nothing but books set at least 80 years ago, so they think that's the way the world is outside. I remember wondering why there weren't ice men who came door to door and coal trucks causing a mighty uproar in the street and waking everyone up all the time, so my parents told me that we were fortunate to live in a more convenient time.

33 leads to a more succinct version of my thought in 26. Namely either you are betting against the house, in which case you lose over time, or you are working against other bettors, in which case you can win over time, but only if you know something most of them don't.

re. #8: You ought to check out Hunter Thompson's essay, "The Kentucky Derby is Decadent and Depraved". A fine piece of writing, that.

The only time my dad flipped out that I wasn't appreciating something enough was the time we took a really small plane from Juneau to Skagway, right over the glaciers. He was furious to discover me reading instead of looking out the windows.

Of course, about a year later, my craptacular eyesight was finally diagnosed.

Hunter Thompson's essay, "The Kentucky Derby is Decadent and Depraved"

I'm guessing he approved?

My parents used to take us to lots of interesting places when we were little, and they were a little upset to realize later on that we didn't remember anything about them.

if you do better than your parents, you'll spend most of your adult life trying to keep your children from turning into spoiled brats, even as you spoil them terribly.

Eventually they'll encounter someone with real privilege and be put in their place gain perspective.

48 -- Well there are multiple levels of irony working in that essay. But basically (if I am reading it right) Thompson was thoroughly revolted by the spectacle. He spoke about the racing fans in similar terms to those he would later use to describe the Nixon administration. I think that essay might be his first really Gonzo piece.

The Kentucky Derby Is Decadent And Depraved.

My kids seem to really enjoy the stuff they do. They still talk about catching their first fish three summers ago, seeing bison two summers ago in Yellowstone, etc. They're 9 and 7 now, and got their own fly fishing rods for Christmas. They've been bouncing around for the last couple months speculating on when it's going to be warm enough to start practicing outside, when rivers will drop low enough to actually fish, and so on. Likewise, they know we're going down to visit my parents this month, and the last couple weeks have been "when are we going, we're going to the aquarium, right? you said we could go whale watching, we're going whale watching aren't we, you said we could..."

Following 44 when I was younh led to me being very puzzled why nobody I knew had a cook or a maid.

We took the kids to places they expressed an interest in seeing but didn't particularly try to "enrich" their lives by dragging them to places they had no desire to see. I still have nightmares about a trip to see one or the other of those damned orcas at Sea/Marine-something and then Disney World in Florida with a 3 and 5 YO. That trip was a preview of hell.

37, 42: No, no. The idea isn't to turn them into anxious worker bees who believe that the downwardly mobile are those who didn't do their homework and chores, you freaking Republicans. It's to teach them to appreciate their good fortune and recognize that wealth and privilege are good things to have, but are largely a function of luck and birth.

wealth and privilege are good things to have

Now who's the Republican?

It's to teach them to appreciate their good fortune and recognize that wealth and privilege are good things to have, but are largely a function of luck and birth.

"Did you know that in Africa many children are too poor to have homework?" Yeah, that's gonna work.

wealth and privilege are good things to have, but are largely a function of luck and birth.

I suppose it depends on how far outside the mean you define wealth and privilege. I certainly would never teach my children that they are mostly powerless victims pushed around by the varagies of luck and birth. Nor do I believe that that is, in general, true.

What, you think it sucks to be able to afford your own home and to know that your child is probably going to go to college?

Do yourself a favor and follow Neil's link in 52 (whether you have already read the essay or no). But not if your workplace frowns on ill-suppressed choking laughter. Thompson telling that derby fan about the Panther riot that's coming on race day is absolutely classic.

Someone oughta link to Spackerman's new Mineshaftworthy post.

I guess the operative question is good for whom?

This is what fathers are for? To take children to the places they aren't supposed to go, so that they can do the things children aren't supposed to do? If Mama's the law, I'm the blind eye.

I was just struck by this in the Salon piece. It certainly worked that way with my kids. True for anyone else?

Someone oughta link to Spackerman's new Mineshaftworthy post.

This one?

Absolutely hysterical, wasn't it.

I just read someplace else that there's no sanctioned method for soldiers in Iraq to have a drink, which seems bizarre to me (and I'm wondering if I misunderstood, but whatever it was I read was talking about having relatives smuggle liquor to them disguised as mouthwash). WTF? These are grown men and women and there's no sanctioned way to have a beer when they're off duty? When did that get to be the rules?

60 to 57.

59: I'm not teaching my kid that, either. I'm teaching him to be thankful for what he has, and to realize that not everyone has it so good.

58: No. But he's well aware that one of the great things about being a child in a rich country is that his primary responsibility is things like homework and helping around the house, rather than having to work in a factory so that he can afford to eat.

56: I dunno. As someone whose dysfunctional work habits have caused a fair amount of misery, I rather wish my parents had preached a little more fire & brimstone & food stamps.

At any rate, all this is sounding too much like a repeat of the "praising for effort v. smarts" thread. The bottom line is probably just that far-off, hard-to-imagine consequences are not the best motivational tools for young children, and one should try instilling the proper character traits other ways.

63: In this case, good for PK. I'm not some cartoon leftist who thinks that children (or adults) should feel guilty for having comfortable lives. Comfortable lives are good things to have: that's why poverty and war and the like are bad, because they prevent people from having those things.

66: That was true during the Gulf War as well.

Nor do I believe that that is, in general, true.

Certainly it is when you're a little kid or even a teenager. Rich 17-year-olds spending money they didn't earn can be the most obnoxious, arrogant people in the world. And it doesn't get better, as P. Hilton shows.

one should try instilling the proper character traits other ways.

Namely, beatings.

That was true during the Gulf War as well.

I guess I knew that, but I thought it was respect for the Saudi law. Is alcohol illegal in Iraq generally?

Since when does the USA follow Iraqi laws anyway? There are probably other reasons.

whatever it was I read was talking about having relatives smuggle liquor to them disguised as mouthwash

It was an article in the Times.

I guess the rationale is that soldiers in the field are never really "off duty", so they can't ever be drunk. Still seems a bit naive.

Our boys and girls in Iraq aren't allowed to drink and have sex? Are we fighting the Islamofascists or surrendering? This is an outrage!

Appreciation: my son learned to appreciate the outdoors in a single moment. He was a very urban social kid, and when he was about 10, the first time we went camping seriously (not car camping) he jabbered constantly. Finally I said, "Just be quiet, this is the only time in your life so far that you've been in a really quiet place." (Exaggeration, but not by much). He did shut up and after that he had the idea.

It took a little longer to feel good about drinking water frogs had been swimming in.

I'm wondering if I misunderstood, but whatever it was I read was talking about having relatives smuggle liquor to them disguised as mouthwash

Like B says, the "no liquor" thing was true during the Gulf War, as was the "vodka with food coloring made up to look like mouthwash" trick.

It made a little bit more sense then, given that the troops were stationed in Saudi Arabia and that alcohol is illegal there. (Although from what I understand, it's not particularly difficult for Westerners working for oil companies there to find booze.) In Iraq? Not so much.

I think it's part of the "being sensitive to Muslim culture" thing.

I think it's part of the "being sensitive to Muslim culture" thing.

Which is comical, given that we were repeatedly told that Iraq was the perfect laboratory for reshaping the Middle East, seeing as how it was secular and all...

Alcohol is apparently still legal in Iraq, but most liquor stores have closed to avoid being attacked by Islamist militias. There have been bombings.

That was it. But what does this mean?

Despite the military's ban on all alcoholic beverages -- and strict Islamic prohibitions against drinking and drug use -- liquor is cheap and ever easier to find for soldiers looking to self-medicate the effects of combat stress, depression or the frustrations of extended deployments, said military defense lawyers, commanders and doctors who treat soldiers' emotional problems.

There's no rule against soldiers drinking in the US (I think I've bought beer at a PX) and I'd be surprised if there were a general rule against drinking overseas, so we're just talking about Iraq, at which point the 'never off duty' thing seems to be the only explanation. How do you live if you're never off duty? I can see a perfectly reasonable argument for stringent rules against drunkeness, but a blanket prohibition on drinking just seems like a guaranteed way to make people act like idiots to evade it.

I'm teaching him to be thankful for what he has, and to realize that not everyone has it so good.

Comity!

I have never come out behind the game after a day at the races. You don't need to study the form; you study the horses. In a six horse race, there will usually be one or two that are clearly of much worse quality than the rest of the field, one or two that don't appear to be interested in racing that day, and (hopefully) one big fucker which is about twice the size of the others and in great condition, which is the one upon which you should bet. If it isn't more or less obvious, keep your money in your pocket. It isn't like you have to be any great expert to see this either - I'm always amazed how few people bother to have a look at the paddock.

How do you live if you're never off duty?

This book should explain that...

Hold on while I take notes here: Bet largest horse... can't lose..

Thanks, d!

"a blanket prohibition on drinking just seems like a guaranteed way to make people act like idiots to evade it."

This doesn't seem to stop blanket prohibitions in other contexts.

It is my understanding that since it worked so well in the First Gulf War, the general rule is that combat deployments are all alcohol-free. It significantly reduces discipline and safety problems. Obviously, there are problems in enforcing the ban in an area where it is easy to obtain alcohol.

dsquared is right, or at least what he says accords with my experience. I've been to the track only twice, but I remember going as a teenager with a cousin and we just watched the horses warm up, noticed who was running well (it was pretty obvious) and bet on them. Wound up picking the winner in most of the races. Of course, you can stay ahead that way, but you don't get the big payouts unless you're picking more than the winner and that's tougher to do.

http://thesalmons.typepad.com/OIF1.ppt
What the troops think about General order #1.
The slide show is funnier if you have ever served on a staff of a major command, but you will still get the jokes.

Hey, speaking of the Army, my JAG buddy just had a baby and made Major! I hadn't heard from her in a couple of months, and hadn't realized that the baby and promotion were both due so soon.

(She's somehow managed to work her career so that she's never been assigned overseas, and believes she's assured of not being sent anyplace for another year and a half. Goodness only knows how that works, possibly a feature of being a lawyer rather than in any more combat-related specialty.)

90. Goodness has nothing to do with it.

my JAG buddy just had a baby and made Major!

Well done, her!

http://www.thedonovan.com/archives/funnystuff/OIF%20Alphabet%202%2016%20May%2006.ppt
Part II

Those are really funny.

It's actually well-documented that skilled bettors at the track do better than random chance. There's even a strategy that seems to do better than random chance without even looking at the horses. (It's bet on heavy favorites to finish place or show, or something equally odd.)

Since the popularity of horse racing is in long-term decline, and thus there's a lot less dumb money, I've heard it's a lot harder to make money than it used to be.

TLL, you have made my day. Ah, the fond memories of being a staff officer in wartime.

"Did you know that in Africa many children are too poor to have homework?" Yeah, that's gonna work.

We've done that Samaritans Purse Christmas shoebox thing for the last few years (and I don't really give a shit if they get Bible stories along with it), and someone who was organising the local collections told us about how 'some children' only have one piece of paper. So they take that to school, write on it, come home, study, then rub everything out and go to school with it again the next day. That image has *really* impressed my kids - their shoeboxes always have piles of notebooks in them.

64 - This is what fathers are for? To take children to the places they aren't supposed to go, so that they can do the things children aren't supposed to do? If Mama's the law, I'm the blind eye.

No, I'd hate to think that's how things were round here. It was definitely how it was with my parents - not so much the blind eye, but my dad was the cool fun one with the crazy ideas, my mum was the one with the rules. And I think it put her in a fairly unpleasant position. Fortunately my partner's quite uptight, so I'm pretty hopeful that I come out as the fun one! Although I don't like gambling, and he's, erm, quite experienced, so he can do that bit.

In case anybody doesn't own PowerPoint or just doesn't want to open it, you can plug those links into Google to get a 'View as HTML' option.

96. I think my favorite is in OIF II, where the largest airborne assualt in history translates into Arabic as "Insect Attack". Way to go, Bob. Sums up everything I feel about this war.

90: A JAG captain that my wife works with just barely missed getting deployed at the same time as her husband, notwithstanding the fact that they have a toddler. Your friend may just be lucky. (Anecdotally, for the reserve guys the best strategy for avoiding getting sent to Iraq seems to be volunteering to go, but the sample size is pretty small.)

97: Yeah, "blind eye" isn't quite right. "Enabler of Really Fun Stuff" is more like it.

100: Could be just lucky.

100: We knew a couple, both in the military, who had a kid with major developmental disabilities. The military was pretty decent about not stationing them in different places and trying to make sure one of them was always home, but eventually the wife just got out because it was too hard to deal with.

Yeah, while my friend is very attached to the Army and loves her job, she's at a point where she has no obligation to stay in -- if deployed overseas she could quit -- and I think her being deployed would make her husband unhappy enough that there's a fair shot she would quit.

my JAG buddy just had a baby and made Major

If she just had the baby, didn't she make Major 9 months ago?

105. She didn't make Major nine months ago, she made Junior nine months ago.

Did someone already make the "Major Mom" joke, or is it just too obvious.

Is she going to expect her kids to march around at attention and hospital-tuck their beds?

Seems unlikely. The father is a bemusedly flaky math-education grad student, so the level of militarism in her personal life is low.