I never thought this would happen to me, but after my toilet got blocked up from my incessant barfing of wine I drank to assuage my loneliness ...

I didn't mind this week's column so much. But the picture of the woman on the fainting couch in a negligee with a plunger and a bottle of wine next to her didn't do the story any favors.

Does "Modern Love" ever include any really boring stories? I'd like to read those, if the feeling of actual love behind them was enough to make them semi-interesting.

Did she have to mention that her Persian rug was handknotted? Cmon.

And why was said rug in her bathroom? Seems imprudent.

Shorter Wine Porn: I was feeling down, then realized I'm so deliciously cultured and tasteful even uneducated brown people love me!

I thought it was sweet.

6 gets it exactly right.

There is much to love in that column. I find this line: I wondered if by repairing my bathroom so thoroughly he was trying to show that my old love wasn't the only one who could fix what was broken. particularly hilarious.

6,8 I agree that she was too self-congratulatory, but I don't think she was too faux-down-with-the-gente.

Look, the editor of this section has a lot to answer for, since all the columns sound the same and sound like cheese, and there's a lot of fictionalizing of people's inner lives, but was this one really so bad? It would be difficult to be dumped by the guy who had made all the stuff in your place, and having someone else come and fix stuff up could be the break you needed, right? Verdict: sweet!

Typical. A setup practically begging to be turned into a psychosexual thriller, and nothing happens.

In the movies I've seen of this type, they always get it on. What a ripoff.

Our darker brothers can be sensitive in a mournful way. Look at Ogged.

Emerson is so right. I kept waiting for her to have her pipes unclogged, but, as the Onion noted long ago, plumbing is not as exciting as the pornographic film industry would have you believe.

You know, many Puerto Ricans can read. If it's a true story, he might very well find out about it.

As soon as he wandered into the story I said to myself "that chap is too swarthy and working class to get laid in a high quality paper like the New York Times" and god fucking damn it I was right.

I declare this article on attempts to repeal provisions of the MCA under-blogged about (perhaps because it doesn't include any information I recognize as new, then why was it published this week?).

Also, this week's Ethicist is not good.

My UPS buddy says the rumors are true, though. They can't do anything on duty but they get lots of phone numbers. On the other hand, he's a tall, wiry, dark guy, intense-looking but pleasant, and he'd score even if he were an accountant or a librarian.

My brother the ex-shoe-salesman says that those rumors are true too (e.g., women trying on shoes wearing a short skirt and no panties) -- but women who come on to shoe salesmen are genuinely frightening. (I don't want to use the word bottom-feeders, but they're the only shoe-salesmen who would take the bait.)

17 -- May 1 is a fine day to call your congressperson about this . . .

I agree with 17. Habeas corpus can be reinstated now.

Actually this week's Ethicist is the best I've ever read. All the problems resolved themselves properly without anyone having to use his crappy advice.

UPS delivery people are young and fit, and I think their uniforms are deceptively flattering -- all the more flattering, in fact, because you might be inclined to think that they look good despite being blah and brown, rather than because they're nicely cut or whatever. Plus, unlike the USPS or FedEx, UPS is pretty much always delivering something you actively want. No bills, no unpleasant business documents, just treats! Or at the very least the office supplies you've been needing. As a result, UPS drivers travel in a cloud of good will. What's more appealing than a well-put-together young man bringing you presents?

OK, nice 8th inning two run homer from Ramirez. Not lookin' too good for the Yanks.

On topic, 21 gets it right.

UPS drivers travel in a cloud of good will.

Unless you're having stuff delivered from the US to Canada, in which case the fuckers slap you with a $40 "handling fee" for crossing the border, in addition to taxes and whatnot.

I'm totally down on UPS now. Yay USPS!

In gratitude to CharleyCarp for both bucking the prohibtion on baseball comments and being on the side of the angels, here's the New Yorker's profile of Ramirez, which made me appreciate Manny as I hadn't before.

Jeter just homered, but then A-Rod hit into a double play. Suck it, Yankees.

The problem with the plumber fantasy is usually the fact that the guy has probably already spent eight hours unclogging backed-up toilets and bathtub hairballs before arriving at your place, and therefore smells unbelievably bad.

It is not unlike the student fantasy about teachers. They might think we're all vixenish and bosom-heaving during office hours, but really, we're kinda tired by then and will ask questions like, "What kind of sources have you found so far for your research paper?" It's a turn-off.

I'm totally down on UPS now.

Who's down on U-B-S?
Yeah you know B!
Who's down on U-B-S?
Every last lady!

the fuckers slap you with a $40 "handling fee" for crossing the border

As someone who routinely has to put together packages to send to Canada, I can attest that the paperwork involved is a bitch. Customs doesn't really have "ease of use" on the top of their list of priorities. $40 isn't all that outrageous.

I'm totally bosom-heaving during office hours, but no one ever comes to them.

23, 25: I almost left a context-less "Mientkiewicz!" comment a couple hours ago.

If they're not coming, you might want to work on your technique.

And believe me, his office hours are packed. But still no one comes.

Mpttned.

My first regular writing gig was a wine column. When I told one of my sisters that I'd become a wine writer, she asked, "Is there anything more effete you could possibly be?" I responded in the affirmative by becoming a wine and classical music writer.

I said "comes to them" instead of just "comes" on purpose, you know.

You can't stop the double entendre, dude. It's bigger than all of us.

30 - I just picked up Phelps for my roto team on the theory that eventually Torre would realize that even if Minky was a proven veteran, he hits like a twelve-year-old. Damn it.

JonBon rulez! Only the Royals and the Nationals keep the Yankees from having the worst record in baseball.

35 Does the pun hinge on the "to them"? I don't think it does.

25 -- No rule of blog commenting can keep me from noting the 5th victory over the Denizens of Darkness in 6 games.

I was actually hoping ARod would hit a home run, get the HR and RBI records, and then the Yanks would still lose. But the double play is just fine.

Long ago, I was a maintenance man in a high-rise old folks home in downtown Oakland. More than once, a plumbing job was interrupted by stroking of hair. It's just part of the job: you strap on the belt, and expect some amount of this.

35 Does the pun hinge on the "to them"? I don't think it does.

It depends on its absence, though; "to come" in the prurient sense can't take a direction.

"to come on your face" -- Yes, it can.

So you're saying:

I'm totally bosom-heaving during office hours, but no one ever comes.

no room for anyone to snicker and cough because this is solidly single entendred, whereas:

I'm totally bosom-heaving during office hours, but no one ever comes to them.

is wickedly punnilicious? I think you overstate your "to them"'s importance.

There's a very sweet country song about "no high-maintenance woman don't want no maintenance man."

42: Well, not with "to".

43, you've got it totally backwards. "but no one ever comes" is doubly entendred; "but no one ever comes to them" removes the possibility of one interpretation.

That's not a direction, that's a location. I think Ben's point is that the object of "come" cannot take the dative. It can take the locative, and certainly the illative. Besides which, "them" refers to the office hours, which are an incorporeal construct that cannot actually be ejaculated upon.

25, 40: No doubt, no doubt.

I wonder if this is a problem for Circuit City TV installers, as the ads seem to imply.

I also wonder if garbagemen ever get phone numbers, like, nestled atop the bin or something.

Can't "them" modify either the hours or the bosoms you're heaving?

"Bosom-heaving" sounds less and less Mrs. Doubtfire and more and more like an Olympic Event.

You still have the "to"/"on" problem, heebie.

It's a little strange, Ben, that you were cognizant of the potential for double-entendre, but didn't write "ever shows up" or "ever attends them," instead of "comes to them." Unless what you really wanted was the ensuing argument.

Discovering whether one can come all the way to one's bosoms sounds like an Olympic event too.

Them doesn't modify anything. The only antecedent it can refer to is "office hours", not "bosom", because bosom isn't plural in the sentence and it would take a leap to conclusions for one to imply that he is heaving multiple bosoms.

I wanted to demonstrate the non-monoticity of pun bases.

The bosom heave would add a little zest to the Highland Games, which have become all too predictable, what with the fucking Scots and everything.

I'm with h-g in 48, with s/modify/refer to/; one could certainly come to porn, right? Similarly, one could come to the heaving of a bosom.

55, I would posit that one can masturbate to porn, and therefore one can masturbate to Ben's office hours. But I don't know if the act of coming can be "to" something.

Essear's interpretation is interesting.

A yes, to on. A tricky question indeed, though ultimately a complete waste of time.

You still have the "to"/"on" problem, heebie.

Not if you use it like a porno or an erotic image. One could come to an image, and not literally get the pages sticky.

You can come at something too, like the sound of someone's voice. Come across, yes. Come behind, yes. Come with, definitely. Come from, come around, come under, come beside--the possibilities go on and on.

58 wins forever.

Right. Because the rest of the time, we're here getting things done.

Google does not seem to agree that "come to porn" is acceptable usage, so I guess I'm wrong. Unless I willfully misread statements like "It was a torturous path to come to porn."

A revision:

I heave plenty of bosoms during office hours, but no one ever masturbates to them, or even shows up.

Gotta run, but I'm sure you all can keep on ejaculating new puns.

I hope it doesn't come to that, Heebie!

When it comes to porn, it's likely to get blown out of proportion.

Re 22: The uni-color brown uniform is slimming. Also, they're Teamsters, which means they have benefits and are likely to be in better health, and also they have a bit of danger about them that Fed-Ex guys just don't.

63 gives "come to Jesus meeting" a whole new frisson.

Not to mention all the strange fetishes documented here.

All this grammar is hard.

He probably made more than she does, but #16 has it right -- genteel wine-writer poverty would not soil itself with the working class.

43 -- "Them" s/b "me"? I can't see you your lyric makes sense otherwise.

(And how can "comes" not have a concept of direction attached to it? It is after all a fairly directional act.)

IT SEEMS TO ME LIKE B/W IS MISINTERPRETING THE ROLE THAT "TO" IS DOING IN THAT FIGURE OF SPEECH.

(That last bit ought to have been signed "Opinionated Clownaesthesiologist." Not sure why it wasn't.

Why does the phrase "synaesthetic ideation" return no Google hits, even allowing for various spellings of the first word?

There is no such phrase, CA, except in your diseased mind.

And now we are infected too.

I'm also wondering about the absense of results for "Brockengespenst".

But if you search for "Brockengespenstphanomen" you get directed to these very nice photos which are not of the sought-for phenomenon.

Maybe Google is down. I just failed to Google a recently-published book I had in my hand.

(And this one, which is!)

16/72: Oh, don't be silly; of course she banged him, in a fit of nostalgie de la boue [or, in this case, perhaps, la merde]. Sort of a 'Pleasure me, Juandingo' moment, as it were. Then she handed off all that wine, in a brown paper bag, after failing to explain what the term "corked" meant, and settled down to write a self-serving, somewhat maudlin essay to hawk in order to pay the plumbing bill.

It is important to note that "hand-knotted Persian rug" is pretentious-speak for "threadbare piece of dubious provenance bought on a street-corner on the lower East side, but the seller was swarthy, so he must have been an Arab [sic]".

Only on Unfogged could an attempt at a suggestive jest end in a grammarian duel.

Good grief, people, get out there and masturbate some more - your brains are full!

Tendenitis, lady. It's harder for us guys.

Tendentionitis is painful indeed.

I think there's been too much self-refentialism and not enough opinionating recently.

I THINK SO TOO

Awful, awful, awful. I'd have felt better if she'd at least hooked up with the plumber. If he has to stand in as the Charming Cheeky Working Man who helps her figure out her life, he should at least get something out of it past a handshake.

he should at least get something out of it past a handshake

Well what, he got the wine.

re: 81

And these:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/85361107@N00/457837339/in/set-72157600073017349/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/85361107@N00/457846299/in/set-72157600073017349/

Ooh nice! That is a little different effect from a brockengespenst isn't it?

78: ???? I get 12600 results, 530 images.

"hand-knotted Persian rug" is pretentious-speak for "threadbare piece of dubious provenance bought on a street-corner on the lower East side, but the seller was swarthy, so he must have been an Arab [sic]".

The horror! I had already worked myself up into a covetous frenzy.

$40 isn't all that outrageous.

Bullshit. Flat fee? For, like, a skirt I left behind? Or a single book? Screw that crap.

But if you really think $40 isn't that much money, feel free to paypal me $40.

92 -- Huh. I could swear there were not any results on Sunday. Maybe Google has caught up in the meantime. Or it could have something to do with my Becks-style condition Sunday evening. But I doubt it.

re: 91

Those are definitely classic brocken spectres. They also had the glowing halo, but it doesn't show much as I was using black and white film.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brocken_spectre