Joke scheme: fuse together the continuum of civilianity and the trolley problem.

That's perfectly simple. Use thermite to weld the civilian to the tracks. Voila! No more ambiguity.

It'll probably be better than The Ethicist.

Great, a choice between inane and evil.

You could always read neither.

You only think that's true.

No, I'll prove it.

Come on, admit that AD's column is likely to be a laff riot. "So these five tied to the track-- what % civilian? and the one is Israeli? No contest!"

So these five tied to the track-- what % civilian? and the one is Israeli? No contest!

But the low % civilian stabbed his wife to death. A Dershovian dilemma!

"The correct answer: don't touch the switch-- run home and write angry letters about Norm Finkelstein!"

Dear Alan,

A train from Tyre to Sidon is carrying 7 people who are 100% civilian, 4 people who are 60% civilian, and 2 people who are 40% civilian. How big is the bomb required to wipe out any way of telling which was which?

Many Thanks,

Col. Chaim

You people need to start actually sending these letters in.

Thanks to Fontana Labs for linking to my original post about this. And thanks to Col. Chaim for such a terrific question for Ann Landers Dershowitz.

I actually wrote an e mail to the recently departed editor of the Forward asking him to pls. confirm that this was an April Fool's joke & he replied: "I'd be very happy to defend the choice of Dersh as a Bintel Brief columnist." Luckily he didn't have to do so since he just resigned to become editor of another Jewish publication. That publication doesn't have an advice column--yet.

Ah, sweet irony: a previous advice columnist replies to a reader worried about Israel's treatment of Palestinians:

...The other sort of idealization is the idealizing of Israel as always justified in any use of power -- this often comes with reference to the Holocaust and being all alone in the world fighting a contemporary evil enemy that wants to destroy us. As long as your questions and discomfort regarding Israel honestly take into account these tendencies, then you are right where you are supposed to be and I urge you to participate in debating and discussing the most important issue facing the Jewish people. I urge you to read the news out of Israel, where the debate is incredibly vibrant and serious and where you will find people voicing the same concerns you have. Get involved; make your voice heard both there and here. It is your right and responsibility as a Jew.

One word of caution: Every community has its political third rails. Just like social security is the third rail of American politics, Israel is the third rail of American Jewish communal life. For reasons too complicated to go into in this letter, any critique of Israel will be met with very serious condemnation by the vast majority of the American Jewish institutional leadership. Remember, the motivation of those who will fiercely oppose you is good, and fierceness in attacking is always a reflection of the fear of a truth, on the other side, that is pricking one's consciousness. Obviously, this also goes for how you hold yourself in wrestling with this very complex and difficult issue.