Ha! I never thought I could have a clitoral hard-on for mormons....but here I am...
That's pretty fantastic, Becks. More religious sects should put out nude calendars!
Whoa, hey now, naked dude on my work computer.
I don't know why, but all the Mormons I knew growing up were jaw-droppingly hot. Lots of them went on missions and got excommunicated for getting sucked into orgy-and-drug scenes. Maybe it's best to head that off by having open discussions about Mormon hottness and its effect on average citizens before releasing them into the wild?
They've come a long way since The Mormon Rap.
Is it NSFW? I thought they were just shirtless. I didn't check it out because I'm too busy.
If they were in Temple garments, I'd be really floored.
On the other hand, Mormon erotica.
Heh. I have fond memories of skinnydipping with Mormon missionaries in Samoa. Amazing language skills.
Amazing language skills.
Nice euphemism, LB.
I'm impressed that, when you look at their individual pictures, they heighten the disturbing dissonance by making them look extra-dorky in their missionary gear and then give them super-porny hairstyles when shirtless.
Amazing language skills.
A silver tongue, so to speak.
9: Sadly, no. No shenanigans (unless mere skinnydipping counts), just respect for their ability to show up in Samoa already speaking Samoan.
Might this sort of advertising lead to rampant sexual advances on cute missionaries by Hell-bound horny bell-ringees?
Last year I saw Trapped by the Mormons (the recent silent remake, not the original 1922 Mormxploitation movie).
Skinnydipping counts as a shenanigan for Mormon missionaries. Nakedness and swimming, both forbidden.
I admit I still have a set of the black nametags and possibly even a pair of temple garments and could possibly be talked into acting something out, IYKWIM.
16: This, as a Craigslist ad, would get you very much laid, dude.
"Hi, I'd like to talk to you about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints, and deliver this pizza..." (fuzzy bass begins in the background)
Getting laid via Craigslist is not difficult.
LB, Instead of a therapist or amphetamines, try this CD by Jon Kabat Zinn.
Okay, now I'll shut up. But still, get back to work.
"Hey, you're not the usual cabana boy...."
I prefer unposed Mormom sex.
OT bleg: does anyone know of a super cheap set of headphones with a long cord. I like to listen to audio either in libraries or at my home computer, which lacks an external speaker, and I've lost my old ones. The cord was too short though, so I had to angle myself just right to keep them in my ears, since the plug is in the back of the tower.
Not super cheap, but cheap for the quality: Grado SR-60. About $60, sound like they cost 3x that much, the cord is about 6' long (which is a bit annoying to use with an iPod).
Or get a pair of whatever and an extension cord at Radio Shack.
I just want to chime in with the others to STRONGLY ENCOURAGE main page posters to append NSFW labels wherever called for. I've been informed there is some kind of automated "sniffer" that checks for inappropriate sites around here.
23 wins the best-imitation-of-Heebie award for the thread.
Yeah, an extension cord should cost about $9 at Radio Shack.
23 wins the best-imitation-of-Heebie award for the thread.
You're so banned.
I love how the MeFi discussion turns to whether it's hotter to jerk it to pics of hot priests, or if the celibacy thing makes it too tragic to be truly hott.
Wasn't there a calendar of hot Vatican priests somewhere around here, maybe chez apostropher? Father What-A-Waste, we girls used to call them.
Yes, there was, but all those links seem to be dead now.
According to the MeFi thread, it's here.
June of 2007 features a smoky-eyed dolly petting a pussycat.
I have to out more.
I have to out more.
Yeah, get those gays out of the closet!
Wow, October 2007 is a dead ringer for my dalliance of April.
Lots of them went on missions and got excommunicated for getting sucked into orgy-and-drug scenes.
How much of this stuff do you make up, AWB?
What do you mean? I worked in the restaurant business. Lots of ex-Mormons work in restaurants and do drugs. I was 14 and gullible, though, so maybe they were lying.
I would just be surprised if *a lot* of the Mormons on missions were being sucked into orgy and drug scenes. That would be hard to cover up, and I imagine the church would do something about it.
I think part of it is that these are Mormons in Kansas, fairly isolated from any big Mormon community. So they're raised knowing that their values are not shared by anyone else, and they watch everyone else have a great time and get away with it. I think they're more likely to go on to fuck it up than Western US Mormons, who have more of a community to support them.
By cheap, I mean $12-15 dollars total for both the headset and the extension.
I was once on a jumbo jet with a couple of missionaries on their way to spend two years or something like that in Moscow. They'd had six weeks of training in Russian. They spent the entire flight making eye-babies with any females who'd listen to them and then melodramatically avoiding hugs. They were trying way too hard.
I have a friend who was a Mormon missionary in Germany who, first thing after his flight took off from Salt Lake, went to the lavatory and jerked off.
I don't think that a lot of Mormon missionaries get involved in orgies and drugs. Just a few hundred every year, maybe a couple of thousand. Or a few thousand, maybe. Not ten thousand, though, I don't think, though what do I know? Maybe ten or twenty thousand.
43: Are Mormons not allowed to jerk off in Salt Lake City?
Mormons don't jerk off?
For the first time ever, I am deeply glad that I was raised Baptist.
I have a Catholic friend who claims he's never masturbated. I think I believe him.
Wait how do I get pulled into the orgy scene? Do I have to get pulled into the drug scene as well?
No. Or at least, they're not supposed to. And some actually don't. I was "pure" the whole two years of my mission. And I have a couple of friends who (believably) report that they held out entirely until they were 23 or 24.
You don't want to join the orgy scene, do you? You'll have to get orgy friends, and always wear robes...
You don't want to join the orgy scene
Heck if I know. I was mostly curious how one gets pulled into it. Do the Mormons go up to the house during an orgy and someone grabs them by the tie?
There are lots of orgy venues in my neighborhood. My best friend keeps trying to get me to go to a rather famous all-girl one down the street (nudity mandatory) with her, but too many of my old students frequent that scene. That would suck a lot.
too many of my old students frequent that scene. That would suck a lot.
Really? Better than running into current students, at least.
No one ever invites me to orgies. There are probably orgy venues in my current neighborhood, and no one tells me.
My first crush was E., who sat beside me all through grade 7 music class, sat one whole table away from me at lunch in grade 8, and was in the same grade 9 English and Math classes with me. He was just starting to notice that I existed when my family moved to another city. *sigh*
I Googled him a few weeks ago and found out not only that he was now in my city, but that he works just a 15 minute walk from my house. Yes, he's my parish priest. I have friends encouraging me to go to confession and tell him everything (and make up some extra scandalous stuff just for fun) but it's been years since my last confession and I'm sure the critical mass of sin I'm carrying around will leave nothing of him but an empty cassock and a pair of smoking tennis shoes.
So what should I do instead?
55: Eek! Mary, I think the only answer is to ask him over to watch El crimen del padre Amaro with you. The movie's not that great, but maybe you won't get through the whole thing.
Confess some small things with your hand in your pants?
That's hysterical. But messing with him would be wrong. Fun, sounds like, but wrong.
I have a Catholic friend who claims he's never masturbated.
Wait, not "I never masturbated until" but "I have never, and still do not, masturbate because I think it's a sin"?!?!?
Where the hell did you find this crazy person?
58 gets it exactly right. So, so wrong.
AWB seems to have posted 52 from some Cinemax or direct-to-DVD movie.
A famous all girl orgy venue. In real life.
There is more in Brooklyn, Horatio, than is dreamt of in your philosophy.
Oh, I'm not so badly lapsed that I would actually mess with him. It's not just that he's a priest, damn it, he was (and presumably is) a pretty nice guy. Bad actions, bad karma.
But maybe this is a sign from God (if s/he exists) or someone who works with him, that I'm supposed to go confess to someone else (or bit by bit to several someone elses, given my critical mass of sin and all). It's just such an odd coincidence, and I am at a crossroads in my life with a bushel basket of regrets. I don't have faith and have never had faith, but maybe I need to confess to someone just to slough off a shitload of guilt so I can actually start doing things right without feeling absolutely bogged down.
Ah. Well, it's not a sign from god, but if you're at a crossroads and looking for a catalyst, then take it: why not?
Just checking, because of the duplicate name possibility: you're not tall Australian Mary? Or are you and I just didn't know you were either Catholic or old enough to have built up a burden of sin.
I'm sorry, Mary. I didn't mean to pornolyze an actual crisis of faith.
63: Some religious group which has recently been advertising on the subways has been using the original of that quote, and it bothers me in a way I haven't managed to find the words to explain.
With mandatory nudity.
Oh, these things have been dreamt of in my philosophy. It is the finding it in Brooklyn part that leaves me reeling.
I think it is the same Mary. Go confess, why not?
I was just watching some YouTube tour of late night NY that featured a club where you got free drinks if you checked your pants at the door.
It's probably a sign from God that your schoolgirl crush is gay.
Or, go look up your old friend to reconnect, and ask for a referral for someone else to confess to.
69: Leibniz was right. This is the best of all possible worlds. In Brooklyn.
Brooklyn -- a complete microcosm of humanity.
Aw, you guys can also be so sweet. Yes, I just might see if I can get hooked up with (err -- referred to) another confessor.
66: Not tall and Aussie, sorry.
67: No worries*. My initial impulse was to play it up for laughs, so it was easy to play along with that.
(*Still not Aussie. It's just such a useful phrase.).
70: No. Really. A different Mary. Short and Canadian.
Some people have much more fun than I do. One of my students told me that there had been a big "anything but clothes" party on campus last year. She went in Saran wrap.
Goddamn, I live in Brooklyn but still never get invited to orgies.
41: They said they weren't supposed to touch women or be touched by women, even hugs. Maybe they were just playing really, really hard to get. I seem to recall this being confirmed by a coffeeshop friend from a few years ago who was a post-op MTF trans man who would say with a leer, "Oh, they don't touch women, certainly." She said she had worked in a Mormon cheese factory in her days as a man.
70: No. Really. A different Mary. Short and Canadian.
Of course. Example.com is *not* the same as puzzling.org. Sorry. I think I had them lumped in the "contain letters from the far end of the alphabet" group.
Topless LDS Missionary calendars?! I really am shocked.
I thought you weren't -- just wanted to check.
No one ever invites me to orgies. There are probably orgy venues in my current neighborhood, and no one tells me.
You haven't tapped your toe the correct way.
I've done a couple of divorces for swingers. Wow, they have some funny stories.
Ive heard some great LDS mission stories about women attempting to seduce those poor young men. All of them refused, of course.
post-op MTF trans man
Trans descriptors confuse the hell out of me. I never know if a 'trans man' is someone who started out male, or ended up male. I mean, it generally becomes clear from context but I still get cranky about it.
87 crossed with, and answered by, 84.
87: It's good manners to refer to people as what they "ended up"--or if they're in transition or whatever, as what they're "pretending" or "intending" to be (and yeah, I know the language is offensive blah blah whatever). Think of it as basic Miss Manners stuff: you refer to people by the names they indicate they prefer to be called.
That's my instinct, but in an ambiguous situation (that is where I'm not looking at the person's presentation, just reading about them) I get confused.
If you're talking to decent human beings, they'll do the same thing you'd do. If you're talking to jerks, they'll do the opposite.
(I'm sounding kinda assholishly pedantic, for which I apologize; I got up at five this morning for a "sunrise hike" after two days of camping with PK's school and I'm just a wee bit bleary.)
I don't think the terms themselves have multiple meaning:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transwoman
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transman
Yeah, I think people just innocently fuck up the usage (as Pants did above, and then corrected himself) enough to confuse me.
I had Mormon missionaries at the door the other day.
them: "Would you like to talk about religion?"
me: "No, sorry, I'm not religious, but have a good day"
them: "You must have some interest in the deeper questions?"
me: "Sorry, I'm busy"
them: "But you must have interest in thinking a little bit, seriously, about the big questions in life?
me: "Perhaps I should explain to you that I'm a philosopher?* "
* sort of, if someone who has been teaching quite a bit in the last 5 years but hasn't taught for about 12 months and who has one [not very impressive] publication counts as a 'philosopher' ... I did feel slightly like fraud since I'm not currently paid for philosophizing.
So did they take that as a yes or a no, ttaM?
I am a little bitter that the missionary brainwashing took deeply enough with my nephew that he didn't come home for his mother's funeral. His call, and he's a very good kid, but it appears to have made the transition back into real life and his (very close) family quite a bit more challenging.
I once told a woman that I didn't feel like witnessing Jehovah right now. She looked confused.
I once made a serious strategic error by sharing fruit with a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses who came around while I was picking. We got a lot of visits for a little while there.
I was "pure" the whole two years of my mission.
Jiminy Christmas. That can't be good for you.
You really still have the holy drawers? Say, well, uh *cough* before you take your act to CraigsList, perhaps you'd want to find some nice folks from the community here for you to practice for/on/with, you know, among friends?
re: 95
tbh, I'm not sure they full got why I thought it was amusing.
You really still have the holy drawers? Say, well, uh *cough* before you take your act to CraigsList, perhaps you'd want to find some nice folks from the community here for you to practice for/on/with, you know, among friends?
And you think nice, normal bathroom sex is bad?!?
Normal bathroom sex, bad? Did I say that? If so, I'm sure I didn't mean it. And hey, I'm just trying to empower our community here. I'm all about the empowerment.
(but did you see how good the holy drawers looked on Patrick Wilson in Angels in America?! This is where fetishes come from.)
Re: 96
My Dad didn't come home from his Mission when his father died of pancreatic cancer back in the '70s, and my uncles are still bitter about it. It's a point of pride for him, however.
I was hustled on the street by a very cute JW. I was polite, as I always am (I've known two very nice JWs, neither of them named "Prince" or "Michael Jackson"), and as she turned and walked away a lacy slip peeked out below her skirt. She went to a car driven by another quite nice looking woman. Hmmmm, I said.
They once approached me on campus.
Missionary: "Would you like to hear about the Church of Jesu-"
Me: "No, I wouldn't, I already have a religion. It's funny, though, my parents' Christian denomination believes we're both in a cult."
Missionary: *walks away*
A few years ago they rang at a very sincere and down-to-earth Christian friend's door. It was the blazing heat of August and she invited them in with the caveat that she would be glad to talk religion with them but they had to understand that she already had a set of beliefs. They were willing to ditch the hard sell in favor of AC until she asked them if they wanted anything to drink. "I've got milk in the fridge," she said, then paused, then went on, "It's decaf." They got offended and went back out into the heat.
My son's almost-father-in-law is a militant atheist. He'd invite missionaries in to argue religion until his wife made him stop.
re: 107
Yeah, I used know a guy [former flat-mate of a friend] who had been training to be a missionary prior to a crisis of faith caused by his fiancée running of with someone else.
He used to invite them in and then trash them. He could read Hebrew and New Testament Greek, had studied theology and was able to just rip most of these guys apart. It was a sadistic bit of revenge for him.
Have I mentioned here the time I was approached by a quartet of baptist hotties?
You mean four attractive Baptists in the same place? No such thing.
Correct response:
What you have to say is very interesting, and I'd love to be able to discuss these things in depth. However, I'd prefer a more private setting. I know you can't go to bars, so one of you should come to my place".
Old joke frequently retold by my relatives: "Wherever you find four Baptists you're bound to find a fifth."
You mean four attractive Baptists in the same place? No such thing.
They wanted me to come to their bible study group, but I demurred. When I finally convinced them that they weren't going to overcome my demurral through ineffective proselytizing, one of them asked me if I thought that, were I to die that day, I would ascend into heaven. I answered confidently that I did think that, so they asked me why I was so sure, whereupon I informed them that my people have a covenant with god, which seemed to give them pause.
"I've got milk in the fridge," she said, then paused, then went on, "It's decaf."
Awesome.
LB, I know these people. No foursome, because one would snitch out the others. ("I was too shocked to leave, but at least I didn't let him put it in like Susan and Linda did.")
What he should have said was "Come here some other time".
I've now listened to "A Very Cellular Song" all the way through about four times, without once having taken any notice of it.
The Baptist tweener girls in my youth group were always getting together to talk about which boy in the group had the nicest cock for sucking. They were not making a secret of it, either.
AWB, your cultural heritage is a rich one. The Lutheran doctrine is "Married couples are permitted to have sex, I guess".
That doesn't make sense, Emerson. Didn't Luther's Reformation largely grow out of a desire to get seriously laid?
It was faute de mieux. Better to marry than to burn.
However, if you disagree you can make it your mission to set the actually existing Lutherans right. Part of it is that while sex itself is OK, being flamboyant and getting all excited are not.
As I remember, during the Clinton hooha it came out as Baptist doctrine that blowjobs are not sex.
"Pastor, I'm willing to have sex with my life, as is my duty, but she seems to always want me to make a big deal about it."
Silly JE. Clinton didn't have a hoohah.
Monty Python had a go at this particular aspect of some types of Protestantism.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=47P59ha9k9s
Specifically the part from 7min or so on.
Didn't Luther's Reformation largely grow out of a desire to get seriously laid?
No, that was Henry VIII's Reformation.
Speaking of which, I had a friend in college who was Episcopalian and intensely proud of it. I always thought it was a little funny, because it doesn't seem like the kind of denomination that a young person would have such a strong attachment to.
Was he gay? The Episcopals are big on pageantry.
very straight
That's code for "gay," Teo; don't confuse us.
Okay, not very straight. But definitely not gay.
That's still code for "gay". At this point, pretty much any way you characterize him becomes code for "gay". Thus explaining why he's proud of being an Episcopalian.
Seriously, my impression is that they're pretty cool on the politics and good works front, even if the social image is a little dull.
Okay, not very straight. But definitely not gay.
Mouseover text.
Either for the title image,or for the washington monthly link.
Henry VIII had no difficulty getting laid. What he wanted was to get married (again). Martin Luther, on the other hand, would presumably have had some difficulty having sex with an ex-nun if he hadn't started the Reformation.
132: Fair enough. He still wasn't attracted to Episcopalianism because of the pageantry; it was more just an identity thing, like this was what he happened to be and therefore he was proud of it.
My dad's family has all kinds of weird stereotypes about Episcopalians. Many of them were raised Episcopalian, so that might explain it. Still, not the sort of thing I would have expected.