"Don't worry, Mother Ogged. Those grandkids are all but assured. What? No, these photos are for aspirational purposes."
In other sporting news, Ogged, Hope Solo isn't a team player.
In better days, a nice Persian boy could be as gay as he wanted to and still give his mom grandchildren. But no, in these United States we have "identities" and "wait for the right person" and "ask ourselves who we really are" and "work on our relationship with our mother" .
My guess is that a few well-placed stonings and beheadings would straighten this country out and motivate Ogged to get himself married off.
/Mom
Nice photo (nudge nudge, wink wink).
So pictures of a guy in a swimming suit reliably set off gay panic in the commentariat. Noted.
And in the crucial mom demographic.
I think the hip snapping is hurting my lower back, so I'm attenuating that quite a bit. When exactly am I supposed to the hip snapping again? What muscles should be sore after a workout, given that I don't know any stroke but front crawl?
When your recovering hand is at your head, your other hand is extended. Then, snap your top hip down and start your catch.
I am oddly impressed by the flexibility of the shoulders in the top pic.
Cala:
That is actually really easy and not that impressive.
What? A lot of people can't do that, Willard.
So, my left arm is extended, my right arm is bent, with my elbow up out of the water and my right hip is up a bit. At that point, I snap my right hip down and begin the pull with my left arm?
13: At what point does the hokey pokey come into this?
14: When you turn yourself around.
I have such an ineffectual kick, you could imagine I'm putting them in and shaking them all about.
So, all the time.
Yes TJ.
Ogged, virtually anyone can do that. It doesnt even come close to approaching Jackmormon standards of flexibility. Phelps is an amazing physical beast, but that streamline isnt proof of it.
OK, swimming it is, not Ogged-baiting. Thanks a lot, TJ. [Expires].
I'm that flexible, but I have very loose shoulders and almost no muscle mass there. I thought most guys had tighter shoulder joints. (This was fun when I took martial arts. Joint lock that, bitch.)
Ogged, virtually anyone can do that.
This just isn't true. People of unfogged, please replicate the arm position in the first photo and tell me how many of you can get your shoulders and biceps close enough together that your head won't fit through the space between them.
I can do that arm position. I don't do it while swimming, yet, but I can do it.
Jesus, Ogged, I'm 60 and have bum shoulders.
20: I can, and I don't think of myself as flexible.
I can. I just tested and looked in the bathroom mirror.
Granted, I've been streamlining like that for a long time. But, I'm not very flexible and I can do it, so I assume that virtually anyone else too.
All the boys are avoiding this thread so that they don't catch the gay. Come on, inflexible honkies, I'm counting on you.
But you might well be right, Will, it's just that the couple of friends I've talked about this with couldn't do it. Couldn't really come close.
Not much flexibility, and used to swim, but have no problem streamlining that tight. Really, ogged, tight streamlines are the absolute easiest way to swim faster.
I have loosey goosey shoulders, so I'm all about the streamline. I just thought other people were less flexible, but maybe my sample of two was of two weirdos.
I can't get quite that tight. I can get it so I can't get my head through, but his elbows are about 1-2" closer together than I can get mine.
Jake is correct. A good pushoff is the lazy man's best friend.
Jake, are you coming to DC Unfogged so we can race ogged in the pool?
Now, I can see it being tough to do that while actually swimming, but I'm a sloppy, ugly swimmer. The kids are enjoying their lessons so much that I'm starting to feel like I should take a class or two as well -- Sally's going to be faster than I am pretty soon now, and that can't happen.
I can do that hand position, and I am suspicious of anyone who can't. I'm not even sure how one couldn't do that.
The kids are enjoying their lessons so much that I'm starting to feel like I should take a class or two as well -- Sally's going to be faster than I am pretty soon now, and that can't happen.
Oh, it surely can. I was looking at the goal 100 times for children at various aquatic clubs. Before 12 they're supposed to be faster than I am. Oi. I should go take a class.
That was kind of my reaction. Someone with freakishly wide shoulders and a little head, maybe?
Someone with freakishly wide shoulders and a little head, maybe?
No, some people can't extend their arm straight up such that it touches their face.
Someone with freakishly wide shoulders and a little head, maybe?
That jibes with my mental impression of ogged, so maybe it is a feat of flexibility for him.
some people can't extend their arm straight up such that it touches their face.
Amputees.
Where's the pool?
Apparently, fairly close (10 mins?)
38: You hit two weirdos, ogged. Some people, maybe, but not many people.
Dammit, I need new, more broadly representative, friends.
I'd try it tomorrow (nations triathlon w00t) but i don't think I'll have the advantage of ever needing to streamline. I'm incredibly inflexible but I was able to not get my head through my arms. So your friends are losers ogged.
I can do it sitting at my desk, though probably not in a pool.
Cool, tweedles, I'm triathlonning tomorrow too. Mine's offroad, with kayaking instead of swimming, because I don't swim good.
Ok, Will is right, I'm wrong. "I hate you all" doesn't do justice to the depth of my feeling.
46 is the kind of triathlon I need. I don't swim worth a damn.
Your streamline just doesn't feel special anymore?
Jake, are you coming to DC Unfogged so we can race ogged in the pool?
Now that is actually tempting. Huh.
48: I prefer offroad racing, actually, but I don't run across too many kayak triathlons, so I plan to break down and learn how to swim over the winter.
Good luck tweedledopey and Sam K.
Tweedledopey: Are you going to do Great Acorn?
Ogged's inflexible friend is Tank Macnamara, who is also gay.
Which pool are you talking about, Will?
Come on, inflexible honkies, I'm counting on you.
Sorry, dude. Easy. But I'm sure there must be something that makes you special.
I can't do it, but my neck's all fucked up.
tell me how many of you can get your shoulders and biceps close enough together that your head won't fit through the space between them
<raises hand(s)>
And if I'm not an inflexible honkey, I don't know who is.
Didn't we discover in an earlier episode that ogged has an uncommonly small head?
I confess, I don't do it when I swim breaststroke. But that's because I'm ignorant and lazy, not because I'm inflexible and honkified.
Now you people are just piling on.
You're flexible, honey. You can take it.
I can do it. If it makes you feel better: (1) I have abnormally small shoulders given my giant head; (2) it's not comfortable & I wouldn't do it as part of a swimming stroke. But it's not like I actually know the proper way to do any of the strokes.
It's barely threading water.
Don't thread on me!
There, now it's even worse.
Could we possibly have reached the end of our rope with the swimming posts, d'you think?
Don't make it a challenge for him. We'll have nothing but swimming for the next week.
You could at least mix up the swimming a little bit.
69: That pesky passing out and drowning thing is sort of a downer, though.
Here are the new fins that Navy Seals will be using.
Anything that helps America's finest do their job better is OK by me!!
That comment alone makes me hate the fin.
I wonder what Brock is up to right now.
So do I. He hasn't checked in with us yet, eh?
Me too. Betcha he has a bunch of tests in his immediate future.
I would think backing way the hell off is the right thing to do. Presumably he's got a certain amount of time to wait for results, and I can think of few things less fun than being hassled about possible major health issues while waiting to find out if they're real.
When the tests come back and he's fine, I'm sure he'll bring it up proactively by calling us a bunch of hypochondriac nitwits.
LB is right. Let's talk about President Tyler's sex life instead.
Anything that helps America's finnest do their job better is OK by me!!
I'll happy to back off, but if he gets a colonoscopy he better post those pictures.
Beauty contest, Brock v. Labs? I'll make popcorn. Who's up for photoshopping Apo into Brock's colon?
57: You can sue Ogged; he baited you into it.
82: Why would you need photoshop for that?
82: ratemycolonoscopy.com is available.
85: does that mean ratemycolon.com is taken?
People of unfogged, please replicate the arm position in the first photo and tell me how many of you can get your shoulders and biceps close enough together that your head won't fit through the space between them.
Fuck, ogged, I can do that.
Come on, inflexible honkies, I'm counting on you.
No way can I do that. And I'm not particularly inflexible. I do a fair amount of weightlifting though. The denizens of Unfogged are probably all atrophied or something.
I do a fair amount of weightlifting though
Ditto my friend who couldn't do it.
90, 91: Don't you live in Utah? That's like extra-honkified. No one can do it in Utah. I bet you could do it in another state.
I'm sure we've got our share of twig boys out in Utah who could pull it off.
Right. Jumping way back to the original picture in the original post,
THAT's how you're supposed to begin a breaststroke? Oh my. I must think.
Well, when I get a high-speed interblet connection and watch these swimming videos, I expect I'll fall out of my chair. Stars in my eyes.
94: You say "twig," your wife says "lithe."
I keep misreading "twig" as "twink" and thinking "I just bet you do, gswift."
People of unfogged, please replicate the arm position in the first photo and tell me how many of you can get your shoulders and biceps close enough together that your head won't fit through the space between them.
I can do it, but it kinda hurts. I've been inadvertantly working out my arms and shoulders these last few weeks, which might have something to do with the stiffness.
inadvertantly working out
Hey, lookit me! I accidentally got hot!
Note to self: Break Timbot over knee like kindling.
Seriously though, are any of you guys who can do this doing much bench press or anything? I'm hardly bodybuilder huge, but I don't think I'm even close to getting my arms that close together.
100, 101.---Only my right arm, unfortunately.
Ya should stretch more, swift. Phelps is a pretty muscular dude.
Maybe I'm misunderstanding the geometry here -- if your arms are bigger, shouldn't it be easier to get them close enough together that your head doesn't fit inbetween?
I can still make the obvious joke out of 104, even though Jackmormon's female, right?
106: he can't get his forearms that close together, is what I'm assuming is happening. Shoulders are the issue, not arms.
107: Wouldn't the joke would still be applicable?
Now you just need to make it funny, Sifu.
Ya should stretch more, swift. Phelps is a pretty muscular dude.
Phelps is 6'4, and doesn't even break 200 lbs. That's not very big.
It seems pretty obvious that building muscle mass on the shoulders without working on flexibility at the same time would result in the dreaded ... inability to press your arms up against your face.
Which is actually not a good thing, ultimately. In terms of flexibility. As you age. Except Ogged's just thinking about swimming.
What's the question, then? The atrophied academics can mostly do it because they have no muscles. This is not good either.
Ha!
111: I have no such expectations for myself. Jokes are meant to be wry, thought-provoking, and ultimately bleak.
112: still and all. Watch e.g. some of the fights from the last UFC and you will see people with their shoulders in positions quite similar to that one. Replacing the pool with a guy attempting a chokehold, obviously.
114(b): once again proving that if things were very different, they wouldn't be the same.
Let's reconcile this by saying that if you lift but don't work seriously on flexibility, you'll lose it, but if you're a shlub, your flexibility is in less danger.
Watch e.g. some of the fights from the last UFC and you will see people with their shoulders in positions quite similar to that one. Replacing the pool with a guy attempting a chokehold, obviously.
Probably a bit easier to get there when someone is pulling like hell on your arms.
Will someone send em an e-mail if Brock reappears? I just read through the massive discussion of my e-mail to him. I didn't know that I was wreaking that kind of havoc. I feel a little bit bad to have cause him marital discord, but I don't regret sending the e-mail if I was able to help him get in to see a doctor.
Now, I'm kind of worried.
Honey, a close reading of the thread will reveal that Brock didn't need any help at all with wreaking the marital havoc. But I'll email you if he shows up.
Hrm. It shows heterosexual harassment, so I'd think not.
NPH: Is this a permanent namechange, or did you get stuck in an offbrand version of presidentiality? And if the former, is there any reason not to enlighten anyone who missed the transition as to who the heck you are?
119: Yeah, I can see that. I mean that I'm kind of worried about his health, since he hasn't popped back in to say, "here's what was wrong."
NPH might be a little politic and cautious for that.
Phelps has an Olympic Rings tattoo in his fragrant zone? That just seems a little...redundant.
So I can make fun of them for changing handles, you see. A simple pleasure, but I treasure it.
Oh, duh, just figured it out.
No! Androgynous handles are better!
A lot of the Olympic swimmers have them, but usually on their shoulders. I wonder if he didn't do it in a typically visible place because of his image and endorsements.
123: It's intended to be permanent. I decided I'm uncomfortable with being as open about identifying information as I have been. I assume it's pretty obvious who I am, but if anyone's wondering, I'm the westernmost (AFAIK) U.S. commenter and have previously used a first name and initial. Apologies for any confusion--my brain was not working too well this morning.
124: I think he's probably in for a week or so wait for tests to come back, during which time backing off would be the best plan all around. Of course, if it turns out the problem was all the lightbulbs he'd inserted rectally and forgotten about, it'll be resolved already and he should be showing up shortly slapping himself on the forehead and saying "Silly me, to think I worried you guys with that!" But other than that, I'd wait till he brings it up.
129: ?? NPH went from masculine to masculine. No androgynousness at all.
I hate those people who hear "where the light doesn't shine" and consider that a challenge.
Or at least, man, fiber optics or something.
Actually, Brock is probably getting the crap beaten out of him by his wife right now, but LB is right about backing off.
Not being prince Hamlet is an identity available to both men and women.
131: okay, now I'm totally confused. Is it a really common first name, and a last initial homophonic with the masculine definite article in Spanish?
Not if you check the associated email address. (NPH -- real, or comedy?)
139: Real, just for the hell of it (and because I really should have one address that doesn't have my name in it).
Excellent. So your cover's now fully blown.
I didn't notice that the e-mail had a real domain and assumed it was a joke like when people put the .gov addresses in the presidentialish signatures.
144: I don't care if regulars here know who I am, but it was a little too easy for the rest of the world.
Here are the new fins that Navy Seals will be using.
The best man in my wedding trains these guys in swimming now.
Ogged, i thought you would be more brown than that.
Also, i can put my arms up so my head can't fit through (well i can force it through, but it makes my arms bend.)
I'm pretty sure before i started lifting, my amrs would have been skinnier enough that my head woulda fit through.
What's with this "back off of Brock" sissy crap? You all have gotten soft.
Also, a tattoo of the Olympic rings near your cock really should be the ultimate self-cockblocking. If only the world were more just.
So that tattoo would be a dealbreaker, eh?
Scrawniness, and a big head, have their privileges.
Okay, will. I went swimming after work and discovered I've been snapping my hips 180 degrees out of phase with what I should have been.
Damn it.
