I just hope to god people take my problem seriously.
it's your better half's problem, isn't it, unless there are some very unusual kissing techniques involved?
also, i suggest bacon fat. you'll be conditioned to a high gleam!
or olive oil. seriously. that is what i was once told in a high-end salon, when i had dry winter-time hair.
other people would say: grow it l o n g e r.
The problem with growing it longer is then there's a greater chance of stray hairs ending up in somebody or other's mouth.
Not under ordinary circumstances, but they can certainly be pulled out.
I'm curious. I look good in a scruff, but it's far too irritating to me and mine to have for more than a long weekend.
Notice that Sifu's lips are just like two fat worms.
It may be that your mustache is only a hologram and that when approached it will turn out to not exist in three dimensions at all. Find out!
You can condition facial hair with hair conditioner, and it does help to make it softer and gentler.
I have been trying that, and it is reported to help some.
11 has not worked for me. But now I know what conditioner tastes like.
You can also condition facial hair by praising it when it does something you like and viciously beating it when it does something you don't like.
The moustache is already scared of the wire mama.
Frankly, I'd try preserving it in a jar of formaldehyde.
You should make sure your moustache scissors / clippers is very sharp.
11 is good advice for right now; longer term try trimming so that the lower hairs are longer, and more pliable/less prickly.
16: wouldn't that make my face smell weird?
17: I don't understand why that wouldn't make the problem worse.
Hm. I know that some conditioners make more of a difference to my head hair than others; I assume the same is true for facial hair.
17: Ends will be cleaner cut, less ragged (=less ouchie).
The scissors I've been using are not all that sharp. How does one sharpen scissors?
There must be someone around this forum who knows about sharpening things.
i suggest bacon fat.
Now, that's not taking Sifu's problem seriously.
I recommend bear fat. As a hair tonic, it is tried-and-true, and of course, the laydeez can't resist a man who reeks of the wilderness.
I wonder if one could make bear-bacon.
23: see, yeah, wouldn't sharper scissors make the hairs sharper, like miniature spears?
You can use a steel or a stone. I'm sure there are online guides.
How does one sharpen scissors?
Do they have sharpening trucks in Boston? They have one in New York that comes around maybe once a year, ringing a bell.
I dunno, Blume, you seem pretty sure here.
* Not affiliated with the National Meetings of the American Academy of Burly, Hairy Gay Men.
31: I think they'll just tell you that it's okay to make bears bacon.
Is no one going to tell him to shave that damn thing off?
There's always <dramatic pause> the razor.
Is no one going to tell him to shave that damn thing off?
Apparently it just looks too darn good.
38: You have to build trust before you broach the truth.
It's true. The whole moustache-less-goatee thing has always looked a bit fungal to me.
The his beard would look
Lincolnish.
As someone who's spent a fair amount of time interacting with a reasonably similar moustache, growing it a little longer should solve most of the problem. Or maybe I'm just not all that sensitive. Insensitivity runs in the family.
There must be someone around this forum who knows about sharpening things.
There was a previous thread
Is no one going to tell him to shave that damn thing off?
I guess 16 was just too subtle for some people.
Sifu, there's only one honourable solution. You must grow "The
Mouse Smuggler" forthwith.
("The Macho Mennonite" or "The Pudding Stabber" could also work, but lack the requisite dramatic flair.)
I'd grow a "seat to yourself on the bus" if I could, but it's goatee and moustache, goatee alone, stubble, or nothing.
I guess I could grow a half assed soul patch, or grow my eyebrows out.
good basic instuctions, although the terms aren't defined.
The chart in 52 still makes me giggle.
54: or grow my eyebrows out.
There! Now you're talking.
Sifu, I read a lot of Hercule Poirot books when I was a girl and Hercule possessed many pomades for his moustaches. Surely such things still exist? I would also like you to wear the little moustache net to bed, like Hercule did.
On bacon versus bear: Mrs. Catherine Parr Traill (The Canadian Emigrant Housekeeper's Guide, 5th ed., 1861) says bear should either be roasted or boiled, and suggests that, while it is really only fit for "the backwoodsman," it can be passed off as "coarse beef" if you don't tell your guests to the contrary. Anyway, she adds, "the bear is certainly a more cleanly feeder than the hog."
She also recommends squirrel, "as a very delicate food, being free of any strong flavour."
My 'stash is just a little longer than that, and my wife doesn't complain. Perhaps its your kissing technique that needs work.
I use my lips, if that's what you mean.
57: I've always wanted a "Disney villain," but it's just not on the cards.
59: "I like the smell of my hair treatment, a pleasing odor is half the point."
Furthermore, is no one going to express incredulity that the Tweety Bird is getting smoochy action? Isn't it a rule that the only people at Unfogged who get any are bitchphd?
Thinking about it a little more consideratly, probably growing it out a little longer would soften it up. Facial hair is prickliest when it is short.
Of couse, then you will look like a dam dirty hippy, like I do.
Isn't it a rule that the only people at Unfogged who get any are bitchphd?
And if not, it ought to be.
65: doubleyourdating.com really works!
Can't you sharpen scissors by folding a small sheet foil to several thicknesses and then cutting it up with said scissors?
The solution is obviously to transplant fine, thinning hair from someone's head to Tweety's upper lip region.
65: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I only signed on for the "people who ask the Mineshaft for sex advice should never get laid" rule.
We should also take a moment to recall Fat Guy Who Uses A Beard To Simulate A Jawline. (Referencing the other thread, I am frankly amazed that I was able to find that link online based on a faulty memory of the cartoonist's name and the title.)
72: It was in the fine print, Slack. Sorry.
33: Oh, so that's who Albert the Alligator was pretending to be when he put on a disguise and burst into someone's house yelling "Hey! Sharpen 'em up today?"
Randy Moss refuses to be shown up by Terrell Owens.
Men and facial hair is a vast and complex issue, the nuances of which, I don't mind admitting, often escape me.
For example, my (at least nominally RC) son says he wants to be a rabbi when he grows up, so he can have "that beard."
I heard a good jewish joke the other day. Actually it was really a cold war joke, and so somewhat outdated.
Randy Moss catches touchdowns without trying; he doesn't even try to run a route and it's a TD. He should be illegal.
Re 80: "The true poem is indistinguishable from the spontaneous utterance..."
Every few months I infuse my mustache (now recovering) with Blistex, and am able to twist it cartoon villain style. Women then run away from me, lest they should be tied to railroad tracks. It's quite satisfying.
advice: shave the head
Facial stubble, and more particularly beards and moustaches, was fairly infrequent, despite the omnipresence of male models
Here is a lively moustache, full of peculiar vitality. I believe that the energy it generates is stored in the medallion.
85: That had to be comic in intention; what's the almost-effaced companion image?
Anyway, she adds, "the bear is certainly a more cleanly feeder than the hog.
Not by much. Wild bear and wild boar are the two remaining sources of trichinosis in the US. (IA, where do you get your bear meat in NYC? Do you have to smuggle it cross the border?
The internet is full of recipes for cooking bear. I've only eaten it grilled.
What's the general age range at which facial hair stops filling in? I grew mine out for the first time a couple months ago and suffer from some significant patchiness.
Had it braised, and in sausage. Yum. Oh, I think, jerky, too, maybe?
IA, where do you get your bear meat in NYC?
Nowhere at all, John. I'm all cosmopolitan now, and only eat sushi.
But a couple of weeks ago, my mother told me that some of my cousins were "up at the deer camp." Ah yes, the beer deer hunters. Youse be wantin' You want (I should ask for) some venison?
bear sushi --- coming soon to a desperate fusion place near you.
This pats game is getting ugly. Also, you all are savages. The bear is a majestic creature, deserving of respect, if not awe. It also eats toothpaste.
The bear is a majestic creature, deserving of respect, if not awe
If you meet a bear, take it out to lunch with you.
Woah, the first two seasons of Sesame Street are available on DVD.
Woah, the first two seasons of Sesame Street are available on DVD.
Don't gloat, the Pats are feeding off Curse karma. The Bills are underrated. that punter of theirs is going to the Pro Bowl.
98: Apparently with a warning that they're not suitable for children.
101: I wish you were shitting me.
Yeah, despite a brief moment of enlightenment, we've now decided once again that mild, puppet depictions of certain ghetto realities (sarcasm, junk food) are unsuitable for (sheltered, white, suburban) children.
Haven't read the thread, but would recommend, in order of importance, trimming the goatee aspects away (unless it's a full beard, which I would approve of), and then conditioning with lanolin, perhaps by tying a sheepskin over your face while sleeping
perhaps by tying a sheepskin over your face while sleeping
Bave is trying to kill Sifu!
Snuffleupagus is now visible? And there's no Working Dog? I got pissed over the whole Rodney King thing, but surely that's nothing compared to this travesty. Where are the riots then? I'd start one if I thought anyone would follow.
"Are we done kissing yet, honey? Because if we are, I gotta tie this sheepskin over my face before I nod off."
Invisible Snuffleupagus was said to possibly teach children that adults won't believe them if they tell them about being molested.
Another way to condition with lanolin would be to add a sheep to the amorous festivities.
Even in these United States people hunt deer. There's actually some deer hunting within the Minneapolis metro area.
Dude's in Boston. He has a mustache. He isn't getting any. Whale oil, obvs.
105: Don't impose your personal values on Bave, Slack.
I couldn't figure out from the thread above if there actually is someone saying, "Jeez, Sifu, do something about the 'stache before you kill me during our multiple-hour make-out sessions" or if this is a fantasy about possible future making-out. Because the 'stache in question does not look very painful. What kills the face of a lady IME is aggressive chin-stubble.
I'm sorry for having tried to invalidate the terrifying customs of your sheepskin-smothering culture, Bave.
108: Yeah, that was well-intentioned (the magic of childhood and its fervent imaginative possibilities...now mass-marketized!), but possibly very wrong-headed, indeed.
I was always a little bit creeped out by Big Bird, though I'm sure I can't say exactly why.
Conditioner was "reported" to help some, so it seems that there is a real lady.
Big Bird's annoying because he's basically a really, really large baby.
I'm bugged by visible Snuffleupagus myself--I mean, sometimes adults *won't* believe you, frankly, if you tell them something awful, but the audience knows that BB *is* telling the truth. And he keeps *trying* to tell people. That seems like it would be a good message from a kid's pov. But I'm not a child psychologist, and I assume (hope!) that they consult Responsible Authorities about these things....
I was always a little bit creeped out by Big Bird, though I'm sure I can't say exactly why.
Androgyny.
104: it's as full of a beard as I can manage. It just happens to look a lot like a goatee, since that's just about all I can manage.
One man's "murder" is another's man's "mercy killing" , "preemptive intervention", or "rough fun". Who is to say who is right?
John Emerson: objectively pro-murder.
108 creeps me the fuck out. If there is evidence that kids keep their molestors secret on account of them being secret like Snufflupagus then that's one thing. Theoretical molestors-as-Snufflupagus represent paranoia.
No, I just deconstruct murder and show how it's implicated in false consciousness and shit.
Deconstructive murder tends to be messy.
124: I don't think it's quite theoretical molesters-as-Snuffleupagus as much as it is the idea that it's important for young children to hear that adults will (should) believe them.
114: Given facial hair, making out tends not to be the deal breaker. It's that other thing that really irritates.
Or, more precisely and shit, I deconstruct the concept of murder and show how this concept is implicated in false consciousness and shit.
129: You mean the facial hair as aesthetic problem? Harsh, FM!
I mean, sometimes adults *won't* believe you, frankly, if you tell them something awful, but the audience knows that BB *is* telling the truth. And he keeps *trying* to tell people....and I assume (hope!) that they consult Responsible Authorities about these things....
Fuck the so-called Responsible Authorities. If Snuffy bothers us, it must be for a reason. Yeah, I hated that dynamic, and I didn't find it the least bit empowering. I wanted for someone to capture the Snuffleupagus on film, and for the kids to be finally vindicated, dammit.
Emerson's always thinking of the children.
128: But for a large section of a four year old's thoughts, adults don't, and shouldn't, believe them. I'm biased, because "Like snufflalupugus" was a term my family used for something I believed as an n year old but was false as an n + 1 year old. Is there a modern model for the outgrown fiction?
How's the hitler moustache holding up anyhow, fm?
134: I don't know that that's true; if I remember properly, at four, they're really quite literal and prone to say "no, mama, that's not real" if you try to play pretend games.
136: The hitler moustache lasted until I woke up, hungover, and went to brush my teeth. That was the only time in my life I can recall laughing in the mirror. I never left the house with it, I'm ashamed to say,
I saw a great Hitler-stache at MOMA. Then I saw another one on the street. It was like a miracle. And then, just to announce that a miracle had occurred, Kathleen Turner walked by. No kidding.
137: I'm sure you remember four year olds better than I remember being four: my big memories from that year are winning at monopoly and subsequently lording over my family for the next several years and losing at chess, breaking a mirror over it, and having it lorded over me ever since. To this day I can't get pissed at my mom without, "Remember when you were four..."
140: I saw a great Hitler-stache at MOMA. Then I saw another one on the street. It was like a miracle.
Certainly sounds like an awfully free-spirited place.
And then, just to announce that a miracle had occurred, Kathleen Turner walked by. No kidding.
Was she sporting one, too?
143: That would have been awesome. But she was unlike other street-celeb sightings in that she half made eye-contact and sort of smiled, whereas most celebs only look at you in a frightened "I see you recognize me and let's pretend it isn't happening way." Come on, it's not like I'm going to be a dick or say your name or anything!
She was hitting on you, AWB. If you want to get laid you have to learn to pick up on cues.
"KATHLEEN TURNER! KATHLEEN TURNER! KATHLEEN TURNER!" and with a puff of smoke, she was gone.
119: Androgyny.
Yeah, probably. I've never claimed to be a hipster, after all.
141: Yeah, 4 year olds aren't developmentally able to lose at games yet without having conniption fits. PK finally lost gracefully just last week, and I was absolutely thrilled.
140 may be a perfect comment.
Summary of my grandnephew's coversation with his grandmother:
"Can I have that truck?"
"No, it's for your Little Johnny, your cousin"
[repeat 2x with slight variations]
"I hate Little Johnny".
I'm still waiting to hear the Cold War Jewish joke from 79.
Have you heard the one about the Jewish pedophile?
152: he managed money efficiently!
"Hey, kids, go easy on the candy."
'Night, folks, you've been great, really.
So Bave let's talk facial hair some more. What if, theoretically, one were mostly only able to grow a goatee, but -- knowing the downsides of such an approach -- one cultivated as thick a stubble as one could on the rest of the jawline/lower cheeks, all the while trying to keep the whole mess somewhat trimmed. IT manager, or plausibly intetionally attractive human?
156: The link doesn't quite go to the right comment, but yeah, pwned by Fleur's husband. That joke killed last night at dinner, though.
And to 155, a couple of points: (1) As people who have met me IRL can tell you, don't take me seriously about facial hair; (2) your approach sounds plausible, or at least I'd like to believe it because it's close to what I'm doing these days. I've found that with my patchy jawline whiskers, the key to a beard-like effect is to shave the neck up to the point where it turns into the lower jaw, since I have a decent beard under the jaw. It then looks like I care about grooming, since I shave a bit of it, but I also get some support from the under-jawline portion for the patchy areas on the face proper.
That joke killed Tia last night at dinner, though.
As this commentariat's foremost donner of beards and mustaches (self-proclaimed), I suggest eating a delicious meal without a napkin. The lingering morsels will serve you well in your quest to delight.
Jesus wept. You are Eric Raymond and I claim my five quid. I would condition that thing with a lawnmower.
C'mon dsquared the ladies love it.
I'm thinking of putting together some 'stache cafepress shirts/thongs/mugs.
Esr's stache is significantly worse than Sifu's, dsquared. Hardly comparable.
Never heard of Eric Raymond before. This is who I thought you meant.
Most photos of him don't have facial hair, actually.
Go up a directory level and you can still see thumbnails of the two actually kissing. Like, gross!
Sifu: you should grow a Frierich and name it "The Whip"...laydeez.
Girl I'm currently dating: smarter, hotter, saner, and has the virtue of not hanging out with lunatics of that stripe. Yeesh. d^2 I'm just trying to burn the residual libertarianism off you, man.
169 to 168, obviously.
This thread makes me happy in a great magnitude of ways.
Sure, she may be smarter and saner than Nietzsche, but is she really hotter?
Hey everybody, it's armchair evolutionary theory time!
According to researchers at St Andrews University, north European women evolved blonde hair and blue eyes at the end of the Ice Age to make them stand out from their rivals at a time of fierce competition for scarce males.
It's insightful that shy-boy ben cropped his cock out of the photo in the post.
If you play Grand Theft Auto, it's more likely that you're a liberal.
Discuss.
If you let your children play Grand Theft Auto, you're a libertarian.
Hmmmm, it seems that Sifu and I currently share the same beard style, affectionately known as the "pratende kut" in Dutch (look it up).
It is a bit of a "despite my three piece suite and management speach, i'm still a rebel" at heart beardstyle and left to my own devices I would revert to a more natural beardstyle, but ma woman likes it likes this.
Oh, you wanted serious advice (1). OK! (although be warned that generally speaking my advice is shit.)
Get her drunk first.
106: I'm game.
I know it's too late, but never say this in a conversation where hunting has been mentioned. I hope Slack is ok.
Warning: Sifu's mustache makes for a very disturbing desktop background when set to "stretch". Try it if you don't believe me.
25: I recommend bear fat. As a hair tonic, it is tried-and-true, and of course, the laydeez can't resist a man who reeks of the wilderness.
Going home from working third shift one morning, my dad once found several pounds of bear fat on the side of the road. It had been left there by a hunter and still had prickles of hair and skin sticking to it, like Sifu's mustache only darker. Never one to leave such a prime discovery behind, he shoved the fat into a garbage bag and headed back to town. There he dumped it onto his neighbor's yard because the neighbor had been throwing trash onto his property.
About the 'stache, what others have said: grow it longer.
Thinking-outside-the-box solution: get your woman to grow her 'stache out.
Just stick with the no-relationship policy, Sifu.
I was sorry when they took Brady and Moss out. The Patriots are weenies.
"despite my three piece suite and management speach, i'm still a rebel"
riiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
Grow it a bit longer. Right now one reason it's scratchy is that the ends of the mustache stick out at an angle that would feel like sharp stubble.
It's still always going to be a little scratchy.
181 is right, a clarification is in order. I am not merely "game," I am in fact The Most Dangerous Game. Like Ice-T. So no funny stuff.
I'm going to dissent from the grow it longer line, that is so completely dominating the discourse here that it is marginalizing other, more relevant perspectives.
Keep it short because long 'staches look skanky, unless you're some unbelievable hipster who can pull off skanky with panache. Also, short keeps it from going in your mouth. I have a disgusting habit of chewing on the hair by the corners of my mouth if I don't aggressively trim. Anyway, your partner will stop complaining after a while, probably just develop some callouses, or maybe s/he'll just end all intimate contact. Either way, the kvetching will end.
Are you still tuned in to this? Growing it a little longer would indeed help. Longer just right on top of the lip - say the middle 1-1.5 inches. The outer edge of the lip and corners of the mouth can remain shorter. This will help to maintain a hipster-free appearance. As will avoidance of a ironically-worn AC/DC t-shirt.
