Yo mama so generous, that everyone in her neighborhood has a really high opinion of her.
That's not the kind of generosity I was talking about. Must you cheapen everything?
Crap, that *wasn't* funny.
But only because it was so predictable. I regretted it the instant I hit "post."
4: Somebody has to be cheap around here.
"W-lfs-nian yo mamma jokes"--that has a certain ring to it. Very funny, W-lfs-n.
i think the post is not funny and is not worth of writing and reading
you may want just delete it even if it's just an abstract 'mother' joke without any target
Yo mama's so fat that we staged an intervention and she got some real help afterwards and then we felt guilty because our genuine concern came off as staged and insincere, frowny-faced-emoticon-of-regret.
Your mom is so odd, a misfit in such basic and essential ways, that her social anxiety permeated your upbringing and led to your own crippling shyness and anxiety. A near-autistic condition which has left you to spend your life haunting blogs and correcting grammatical errors of the other commenters. This was all the fault of your mom.
Yeah, it sucks when that happens, because what can you do about it? Any protestation of sincerity, no matter how sincere itself, will come off as just the sort of thing an insincere person concerned about appearances would do. That's what happens when yo mama practices the hermeneutics of suspicion, though.
This is such a great, great post.
There's no need to be defensive, Ben. We're hear for you.
This truly was a classic post.
Heebie and I were simultaneously and independently awestruck.
i don't know i really don't understand how one derives pleasure from perverse ugly things, jokes, art
so it's that again, a parody thing
it seems to me just a total waste of time and energy
but whatever
||
I'm in the vicinity of U of C right now, and a) it really is the center of evil (they have posters proclaiming how proud they are that Thomas Sowell is an alumnus; I'm still looking for the one about Wolfowitz), and b) overhearing the conversations among the students I now understand W-lfs-n completely.
|>
19: You should hear what those students said about your mom, Walt.
You should hear have seen what those students said about did to your mom, Walt.
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into the bar, where they discuss the theological underpinnings that separate their faiths, and the ways in which they reconcile those divisions with an abiding respect for each other. They each have one beer, and tip the bartender, before parting ways, each richer for having given consideration to the other viewpoints.
My mom's dead, fuckers.
Anyway, these are U of C students. They furtively fantasize about my mom while waiting for their numerical partial differential equations simulations to run.
OH OH OH: A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. About ten minutes later, a horse walks in, and the bartender asks, "hey buddy, why the long face?".
I notice none of them was willing to have a drink with an athiest, though.
They furtively fantasize about my mom's dead corpse.
A priest and a rabbi are partying in the basement.
The priest says, "Let's get some 12 year old boys!"
The rabbi says, "For what?"
The priest says, "So we can screw them!"
The rabbi says, "Out of what?"
(I totally love that the priest wanting to screw the boys is the throwaway line.)
I don't believe in that spelling, Ben.
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?!"
heebie, you pwned me! Except my version has the preist and the rabbi walking into the woods and seeing a 10yr old boy.
A horse with a long face and sad eyes happens to be perpetually asked about his mood and happiness. Originally quite happy, the questioning becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and he succombs to sorrow.
Why do the ladies love Jesus?
Because he's hung like this [arms oustretched in crucifixion].
Oooh! I asked Jesus how much he loved me, and he stretched out his arms like Sybil in 35...and died.
The purpose of this thread is to destroy humor once and for all, isn't it?
Q: How can you tell which child on a playground is the son of a trombonist?
A: He can't find the slide and doesn't know how to swing.
How do you know that Jesus is not looking out for you?
You spill coffee all over your lap and laptop.
38 is a variation on an old viola joke: why did the violist stand outside his house all night? He couldn't find the key and didn't know when to come in.
I know three frogs. One ribbets "Buuuud", the next ribbets "Wiiiiiise", and the last one ribbets "Errrrrrrrrrrrr."
How do you know if a drummer is knocking at your door? The knock either speeds up or slows down.
I've told that one here before.
9, 18: Unless you're fairly familiar with the tradition of "yo mama" jokes in American pop culture, the humour in Ben's post will probably be lost on you.
As long as no one tells the "abelian grape" joke, I can handle it. I'm staying calm; staying calm; staying calm...
42: What's ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhp with that?
The fourth ribbets for her pleasure.
Hey Walt, what's yellow and equivalent to the axiom of choice?
Hey Walt, what do you get when you cross a grape with an elephant?
Zorn's llama? Well ottering principle?
I get it. Nothing. Nothing is yellow and equivalent to the axiom of choice. Very droll.
Mr. and Mrs. Obama are standing in the Oval Office dressed as Muslim terrorists and burning an American flag while fist bumping. There is also a framed photo of Bin Laden in the room.
An elephant grape? Are these trick questions? Was there reading for this class? No one told me there would be reading.
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician each witness a natural phenomenon, but their interpretations vary, tellingly revealing the weaknesses of each of their professional areas of study.
In 54, "elephant" and "grape" denote the magnitudes of the vectors elephant and grape, respectively.
Elephant and grape are more like manifolds than vectors, though.
Try Zorn's Lemon Doofus today! It's refreshing, and legal to carry on public transit, unlike Zorn's Durian Doofus.
Mr. and Mrs. Obama are standing in the Oval Office dressed as Muslim terrorists and burning an American flag while fist bumping. There is also a framed photo of Bin Laden in the room.
> xyzzy
A wife is running short on time to prepare her family dinner. Knowing that instant meals are usually held in disfavor, she nevertheless pulls one out and prepares it, in a very short amount of time. Her family believes her to never rely on pre-packaged meals on a matter of principal, and thus assesses this meal against other meals she has prepared from scratch, and it scores well. Everybody has a lovely time at dinner.
53 is awesome, and also totally has the setup for a perfect joke in it, which someone who is smarter and better at math than I should make.
19: The conversations of U of C students are absolutely excruciating to listen to on the bus, not least because apparently college students in general are unable to control the volume of their voice.
Read, these are like Daniel Kharms stories, but not really as good.
I would try a product called Lemon Doofus.
That said, in re 53:
Q: How does a theoretical physicist witness a natural phenomena?
A: I don't know, we leave that to the experimentalists.
... I should call my dad.
51 and 59 completely win.
19: Hey! You're maligning LB, too, you know!
A: I don't know, we leave that to the experimentalists.
A: In terms structured by the relativized a prioria which characterize his or her research program.
(A biologist, an engineer, and a mathematician are watching a building. Two people walk in, and then three people walk out.
The biologist: They mated!
The engineer: We mis-measured!
The mathematician: If one more person walks in, it will be empty!
Then sort of give a facial cringe to show that you knew it was bad when you started telling it.)
The joke in 70 is actually the original "locked room" mystery.
68: I think LB gets a pass on account of Charles River Tech. It's like "once saved, always saved", but not.
68: Understanding W-lfs-n maligns LB?
Did LB go to UC undergrad? That would explain her college dating stories. I heard a male and female college student talking on the bus. The woman's body language was clearly "I would think about having sex with you if you asked nicely." The man's body language was "I have no chance, so I will continue to nervously discuss trivia about Mozambique."
70 is a lot more offensive than any "your mama" joke I've ever heard.
LB was an undergrad there, yes. She and I aren't the only ones, in fact.
and thus assesses this meal against other meals she has prepared from scratch, and it scores well
Either the mother never again cooks from scratch, or else she leaves her family, irrevocably offended by their ingratitude.
75: I guessed that, unless it was you and LB I overheard on the bus, which seems unlikely.
Predictably, B endorses either lying or destroying a happy family as solutions to all life's problems.
unless it was you and LB I overheard on the bus
ben doesn't talk to girls, Walt. Come on.
You mean *perpetuating* a lie. Anyway, it's gotta be one or the other. So choose.
Someone should come up with a game theory scenario that will help us know what a sociopathic mother would do.
Cook the kids, serve 'em to the husband, and then have sex with the rabbi.
The woman's body language was clearly "I would think about having sex with you if you asked nicely."
My father was thirty feet on my left, and a big fellow named Ed Hainey on my right, as I walked through the pit. In spite of the nearness of the men it was lonely [originally misspelled "loinely", hah] work,and though there was a moon it was waning and the light was poor. I was afraid and did not know what I feared, which is the worst kind of fear. We might have gone a quarter of a mile when I came to a clump of sallow. I was about to skirt it when I heard a stirring inside. I made a sound—I am sure it was not a yell—that brought my father beside me in an instant. He shot the beam of his flashlight into the scrub [oh my], and in that bleak, flat light we saw a tramp and a woman in the act of copulation. The tramp rolled over and [was covered in ANTS ANTS ANTS] gaped at us in terror; the woman was Mrs Dempster.
…
"Mary, what made you do it?"
She looked at him honestly in the face and gave the answer that became famous in Deptford: "He was very civil, 'Masa. And he wanted it so badly."
(pp 44 and 45 of Fifth Business in the omnibus edition of The Deptford Trilogy.)
77: I meant we're not the only UC grads who comment here.
A woman feels unduly burdened by the self-righteousness and sanctimony of food politics. She knows she should enjoy preparing healthful local meals for her family, but she just doesn't. She fakes it for months, until one morning she dumps hot coffee on her lap in a suburban mom version of cutting. Unfortunately, she gets laptop instead.
85: Buy a new laptop.
A woman is making waffles in her Hello Kitty wafflemaker for her family for dinner. As she cooks, she is eating the edgy bits that spill over from the various cute animal shapes the waffles make. She suspects that this will be her dinner, and that her family will eat the actual waffles.
Serves her right for making waffles for dinner.
Oh my god, you are so over my dilemmas.
87: Waffles *and* bacon.
88: I'm lucky enough never to have really had those particular neuroses. No credit due.
I wasn't giving you credit so much as going, "omg, B really can't bear to hear about my dilemmas anymore"
A woman has a big stash of frozen jiffy pops in her fridge and has eaten like five today.
(Then again, last night we had pasture-raised lamb, a caprese salad with organic basil (but not organic tomatoes, b/c there were none), and organic baby potatoes with rosemary from the back yard, so. Neener neener, I win.)
90: Buy a new laptop! Use it to order pizza!
I'll listen to your dilemmas forever, sweetie. No really.
Fuck you and your sanctimonious dinner. We had tuna salad sandwiches.
What kind of laptop is it? Ordering a new one might be premature.
Girls, girls, you are both pretty should tell me what to make for dinner instead of arguing.
A man suspects that many comments cast in third-personal form actually report on the recent experiences of those making the comments.
91: Frozen popcorn? I don't get the joke. No, really.
A woman wishes ben would just read her blog posts so she could feel he was involved with her life.
A Jew goes to rural Minnesota for the wedding of his high school ex, also Jewish. The bride's mother, from out of town (of course), is berating the DJ because he does not have "Sunrise, Sunset". The Jew fishes out his iPod, determines that he just happens to have Jill Sobule's Knitting Factory version of "Sunrise, Sunset", and is also carrying the necessary cable to connect the iPod to the DJ's system, which the DJ doesn't have.
The bride's mother is not even impressed.
yea, what *are* frozen jiffy pops?
101: When you get your oil change, you ask them to dump the old oil into an ice cube tray. You put plastic wrap over the ice cube tray, then punch toothpicks through the plastic wrap. Lower freezer to -15 F. Frozen jiffy pops!
You know, those plastic sleeves filled with frozen juice? About the shape of a ruler?
A man misleads a woman on the nature of jiffy pops. Another woman clarifies.
Some women call the item in 103 freezie pops.
Wikipedia would have us believe that the generic term for such sweet treats is "pop (or freezepop)". A man doubts the authoritativeness of a wikipedia entry.
Growing up, we favored the Fla-Vor-Ice brand.
A woman's boyfriend bought the generic kind that just came in a big mesh bag, unlabelled, and there is nothing written on the plastic sleeves, and she doesn't actually remember what she calls them, but "jiffy pops" sounded reasonable.
I don't know whether to be touched by the assumption that I have allspice berries to hand, B-Wo, or horrified.
103: Was I the only person perversely fascinated by the whole 'reverse-penetration' action of those as a child? They make a great demonstration for the usefulness of lube, though.
It's not possible to discuss anything if the terms are not properly defined, just because of some boyfriend who doesn't pay attention to whatever it is that's supposedly under discussion. Just sayin. Socrates 101.
Allspice berries are useful things to have, since they keep while they're whole and they make excellent additions to cider, which will shortly be seasonal.
What's the best way for w-lfs-n to get into heaven?
Blow God.
111: Also jerk! Mmm. Jerk. Which will shortly not be seasonal. I should do something about that.
which will shortly be seasonal.
I find this hugely depressing. It's July! Be quiet, W-lfs-n, about the proximity to the seasonal appropriateness of fall beverages.
From the weather in SF, you'd think it's already October.
Those are not called "jiffy pops" or "freezie pops." They are "otter pops."
For W-lfs-n
A man gets on a train and proceeds to take all his clothes off
He begins to play with himself, and he says
"In my country, this is definitely not offensive"
Rocky, you should have Hello Kitty waffles, organic white peaches, and Nieman Ranch dry-cured bacon for dinner. Also beer.
Get the fuck out of here. I have never heard anything aas ridiculous as otter pops.
I totally remember otter pops. Kind of want one now. Except that its' freezing cold. Coldest winter, summer in SF, etc.
Are those a cartoon that go with an actual popsicle product? or just a cartoon that lookslike this particular popsicle product?
No, they're the little popsicles, and each one has a picture of an otter on it (you know, long, thin) and a name. Sir Isaac Lime, Strawberry Short Kook, etc.
I can't believe you've been deprived of otter pops. No wonder you have food neuroses.
last night we had pasture-raised lamb
Today I had to forego 1/4 of a pasture-raised l;amb because the freezer is already full of pasture-raised beef and pasture-raised pork, plus some pre-prepared meals for post-partum ease.
Alas.
My freezie pops are your otter pops. And I don't really have food *issues* I'm just, you know, an American girl.
That Otter pops site makes me strangely nostalgic for days when every single off-brand "kids" foodstuff was branded with it's very own, albeit third-rate, Hanna-Barbera-style cartoon mascot. The current convention of putting actual A-list! Cartoon! Celebrities! on kiddie crap has always been strangely alienating to me. SPONGEBOB IS AN ACTUAL REAL CARTOON, WHY ARE YOU PUTTING HIM ON SPAGHETTI-Os AUGH THE SMURFS WERE NEVER SUBJECTED TO SUCH INDIGNITIES.
First two words of 112 to 111, one assumes.
Unrelatedly, I would kill a man for a Fla-Vor-Ice right now.
Admit it: "otter pops" is a better name.
129: Totally. The innocent days, when kids stuff could be kind of generically cute instead of linked to all sorts of tv ad movie tie-ins.
Otter pops is better than jiffy pops. Freezie pops is too intuitively perfect to be superseded.
Just wrong. Freezie pops is both infantile and obvious. Also, it's much less musical.
Yea, otter pops is really urbane. You're right.
Jiffy pop is a kind of popcorn and thus better than any sort of freezicle, or so it seems to me.
which will shortly be seasonal.
A man incorrectly uses the word seasonal when he means seasonable, or possibly "in season".
The urbanity of otter pops conquers all opposition!
... B, are you on meme? Are you, in fact, a memer?
136: Okay, popcorn is one of the few remaining foods that is not yet branded, and we should keep it that way. The "jiffy" nonsense was only a fakey way of packaging it for people too dumb to make it in one of the pots they already owned. Plus, less popcorn for your money!
Dear otter pop Louie:
Which wine to serve with my tuna salad sandwiches? And which of you would be best for dessert?
Cheers-
sv
A woman is procrastinating on her dissertation. First, she cleans her kitchen up really spiffy. Next, she does her laundry. Finally, she decides to invent some kind of rice and split pea mush so that she'll have something to eat on the following day when she actually REALLY works on her dissertation.
Don't cry for me; I also made a beautiful jalapeno-zucchini-cheddar quiche today.
A young man relates that within the last few years, he ate Sponge Bob mac and cheese and found the texture off-putting. Spider-Man mac and cheese suffered from a similar problem.
Although people say you should serve zee white wine with zee fish, tuna sandwiches call for something a little more robust, perhaps a nice young zinfandel or maybe a sangiovese.
For dessert, I suggest zee fruit of some sort. But there is nothing wrong with zee chocolate cake, either.
A middle-aged woman finds 145 horrifying.
The busily-shaped extruded pasta doesn't cook right. Bucatini is best. But how do they get the bend (always the same radius of curvature) in elbow mac?
145: I find the character macaronis to have really serious texture problems, in that, in attempting to create a, say, Spider-Man-shaped pasta noodle, there are all these intersecting lines so it's impossible to cook it until it's done without the outer parts getting nasty. But, of course, I have the same quibbles, to a lesser degree, with farfalle, which is an honest-to-God pasta.
Bucatini is terribly fun, as a shape, but I've always imagined it would go really beautifully with a meaty sauce, of which I can't partake.
If you must eat mac and cheese, the "spiral" kind is the best.
I have not had mac and cheese in over two years, despite remaining a bachelor who can barely cook.
I believe some meaty sauce or other is traditional for bucatini, actually.
How did this thread become about food? Oh, right, because your mom's a fucking lardass.
I presume that we are using "mac and cheese" to mean "that crap that comes in a box with orange powder" as opposed to actual real macaroni and cheese. Yes?
A young woman would like to acknowledge in general the sorts of problems outlined 145, but would note that there is one specific brand of organic Arthur-branded Spaghetti-O clones, that are in actuality off the hook.
152.2 also very funny. made me snort wine near my old laptop.
153: Sometimes a person babysits.
My son totally loved Kraft mac and cheese while he was growing up. As he got older he just substituted better cheese and better pasta.
105: NY Mills, stayed in Wadena. I wanted to make time for a Wobegon meetup (I think I emailed you a tease a few months ago), but alas, the wedding weekend was full to burstin' and the airline timetables were unkind.
I like Velveta mac and cheese.I love watching that goo ooze out of the shiny silver packet. My mom used to do this thing where she would only let us put half the packet in the pasta, then save the other packet int he fridge to hide in a casserole or something.
153: Yes, we're talking about the orange powder kind. Some of us like our mac and cheese really salty.
Damn. That's authentic Wobegon territory. Wobegon is actually the next town straight south.
152.2 was indeed quite funny.
VELVEETA???? So, so nasty.
It tastes really good. See, this is why I can't talk about food with the people whose opinions I am supposed to give a shit about.
I only used cave-aged Gruyère and smegma in my mac and cheese.
Since I'm circumcised, I can only enjoy this dish on special occasions.
No, no, I still respect you. I'll just remember that if you invite me to stay for dinner and say mac and cheese is on the menu, I'll regretfully have other plans.
164: I had some of my grandma's recipe mac 'n' cheese tonight. Its sauce consists of one block of Velveeta melted with one can of Campbell's Tomato Soup. And it's delicious.
I love that you were sure that I was worried about *you* respecting *me.*
168 to 165, except for the "respect" part.
My mom used to do this thing where she would only let us put half the packet in the pasta.
She probably saved your life.
the only reason to ever buy Otter Pops is if you like the feel of the smaller pops, or if you are charmed by puns like, "Alexander the Grape" and non-puns like, "Sir Isaac Lime" or "Pancho Punch"
Plus the cute characters! And the word "otter"!
Also, less sugar water is better, actually.
Grammatical error is 170 intentional for emphasis, btw. and 172 is funny.
Dear god, thank you for not having made me be born a southerner who likes velveeta.
I am not a southerner, you bitch. I just live here. I feel like you don't know me at all.
hey now!! easy on the southern slander...
I'm with you, Sybil. I don't buy Velveeta, but if I'm somewhere and they're serving Velveeta-Rotel dip, I'm buried in it faster than you can say "Mm, chips."
Bless you, AWB. I don't buy it either because I have succumbed to the pressure that lurks in this type of group and we only get goddamned Annie's organic bunny pasta or some shit.But Velveeta would taste better.
Velveeta-Rotel dip
This is the crack of the dip world. And so easy to make.
Anybody else remember the Great Surplus Cheese giveaway of the early 1980s? I think it took most of the years of my secondary school education for the school lunch program to work through its accumulated inventory of that shit.
You've lived there long enough! Fuck Annie's organic bunny. Use actual pasta and, like, actual cheese. You know. Make a roux. Add cheese and milk. Pour over pasta. If you're patient, bake it; if not, eat as is.
I AM SWIPPLE HEAR ME ROAR.
Going to bed to dream of velveeta/salsa dip.
Oh my god, you do not have to tell me how to make actual mac and cheese, ok? I've made it. For christ's fucking sake.
Is velveeta one of those things that got in trouble with the FDA for pretending to be cheese?
French onion dip mix and sour cream is the crack of the dip world. I haven't had it in probably 20 years, and right now I really wish I had some to go with my beer.
I believe you, Sybil, and I support you.
Hi Dr!
Let the record reflect that I will be ignoring Stanley.
While we are on the record, I had some delicious Rembrandt Aged Gouda tonight. And blackberries. Yummmmy big blackberries.
Is velveeta one of those things that got in trouble with the FDA for pretending to be cheese?
It's stocked in the grocery stores away from the real cheese and at-room-temperature.
You know what is suprisingly awesome? Velveeta + celery sticks.
The problem with the Annie's organic bunny pasta crap is that it's well-nigh impossible to fully disolve the powder, which leads to grit and texture issues up the wazzoo, plus none of the reccomended preparations imbue it with a sufficient creaminess. Gritty + watery = UGH.
One of my freshman composition students several years ago wrote a paper about her family's way of making mac 'n' cheese, and it used eggs, like, in a layer between mnc layers for the baking. Does this signify something I am just unfamiliar with?
"Cheese substance", featured in Repo Man.
192: It helps if you whisk the powder into hot milk and butter. Tends to come out creamier that way.
Because I have a PhgoddamnD. Now I am really going to bed, assured that w-lfs-n supports and understands me.
194: Yeah, I checked. They had to remove `processed cheese food' from the labeling (like some/most? of the slices). Apparently you have to have at least 51% cheese to claim that. So now it's a `cheese product'
You checked in your fridge just now, right? Because you like it too, yes?
Bed.
197:
My doctoral program didn't have a mac 'n cheese requirement. Not even ramen, would you believe it?
I love Fontina. But I eat sharp cheddar almost every day.
199: No such luck, I checked the all-seeing all-knowing inter-tubes.
196: Hrrm, I shall have to that try that! ... in fact, probably right now, as I'm starving. Thank you!
My favorite moment in Repo Man was when he was eating out of a can labelled simply "Food."
Good night, Sybil. I hope tomorrow is a better day.
My brown rice and yellow split pea stuff is delicious.
||
Inside the house, officers found "Liberalism is a Mental Health Disorder" by radio talk show host Michael Savage, "Let Freedom Ring" by talk show host Sean Hannity, and "The O'Reilly Factor," by television talk show host Bill O'Reilly.
That is, the Knoxville Unitarian-killer's house.
|>
Repo Man was the greatest movie ever until Fargo came along.
The Big Lebowski is the third best movie of all time.
Now, despite the fact I just stuffed myself with a deep-dish pizza, I'm craving Annie's organic bunny pasta.
B, you've been extremely funny lately. I can only attribute it to the salutary effect of living in a patriarchy.
201: Best cheese ever - Cahill's Irish Porter Cheddar.
211: That is a yummy and unnatural cheese food product.
162: Yup. That's why I can answer the hard questions.
It was really nice up there. We spent a day canoeing down the Crow Wing River. All the city people took a while to realize that the point wasn't to canoe the fastest.
All the city people took a while to realize that the point wasn't to canoe the fastest.
But when they did, I assume you kicked ass. Good stratergizing!
193: Yes! I have had that! ... it's pretty good, for something in the Crunchy School of mac-n-cheese prep.
207: Why not post that in the thread about the Knoxville Unitarian Killer?
(KUK)
218: Because that's the mom insult thread. Duh-uh!
So Elizabeth Dole invites John McCain and Rudy Giuliani to a costume party where everyone will be dressed as an emotion. After all the guests except for McCain and Giuliani have arrived, Liddy hears a knock at the door. When she opens it, there's McCain and Giuliani, standing there, both naked, one with his dick in a pear, the other with his dick in bowl of pudding.
"Is dis da party?" Giuliani asks.
"What the hell?" Liddy says. "What kind of emotions are you?"
Rudy gestures to John's dick and then to his own. "You see, John's in dis pear and I'm fucking dis custid."
Ben is my friend in Robertson Davies reading.
We have met Ari and I deem him delightful.
220 caused me to laugh outloud because I can so imagine the look of shocked surprise on our Senator's face.
Velveeta is something I don't allow myself to buy for the same reason I don't allow myself to own a deep fryer: I do not want my obituary to have a headline along the lines of Local Man, Woefully Obese, Found Dead on Kitchen Floor. I could eat it by the spoonful.
I just read 220 aloud to eekbeat. So, so excellent.
From the weather in SF, you'd think it's already October.
We haven't been having a heat wave.
Can't be bothered to read the thread at the moment (I've got important news to relate), but this is a truly excellent post. However, I can't help but wonder how much more excellent it would be if it were three times as long.
Important News: there exists a carny blog.
I can't help but wonder how much more excellent it would be if it were three times as long.
If ben had a nickel for every time he heard that line...
tell you what, Ben, your mother's so fat, do you know how fat she is? She's so fat, she's so fat that, well, she's not really fat at all but she reads a lot of fashion magazines in which the photographs are artificially enhanced and it gives her an utterly unrealistic standard. That's how fat she is.
229 deserves and demands a rimshot.
Q:Hey, Mean Gene, what do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? Probably a musician, or at least a member of the creative class that's so important to our city's vibrant future.
Your mother's so fat, when she sits around the house, it's often because she feels exhausted after minor exertions like sweeping or folding laundry.
A travelling salesman stopped at a farmhouse and was met at the door by the farmer's daughter. She told him they didn't need anything, because nearly all of their requirements for farm and household were supplied by the Wal-Mart just up the road.
It began to rain, and the salesman asked if he could sleep in the barn. The farmer suspiciously asked him what kind of travelling salesman doesn't get reimbursed for lodging expenses at a proper hotel or motel? And besides, the barn had long since been torn down and replaced by an efficient, hermetically sealed Harvestore silo, which contains dangerously high levels of carbon dioxide, and would quickly kill anyone who attempted to sleep inside.
your mother's such a slut that she's attempting to reclaim the word "slut" as a sex-positive term of empowerment and affirmation of female sexuality.
actually thinking about it, that joke works a lot better with "bitch".
A man in a fancy restaurant called out, "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"
The man pointed to a fleck floating in the bowl, and the waiter said "If I am not mistaken that is a piece of cracked black pepper. However I would be more than happy to replace your soup if you would like me to."
* * *
A man in a fancy restaurant called out, "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"
The waiter said apologetically, "Of course I will replace it right away. The escarole was just picked this morning from our garden, which is entirely organic and free of pesticides, so unfortunately there is always some risk that insects will be brought in along with the produce."
* * *
A man in a fancy restaurant called out, "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"
The waiter approached the table, whereupon the man said, "Just kidding. I'm an inspector for the INS, and I need to see identification for every employee on the premises, comprende?
Okay, okay. A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into bar, see, and then... Wait, priests and ministers aren't really very different, are they? Minister isn't even a real job name; it's a generic marketing term like "bathroom tissue". That always bothered me about those jokes. Maybe it should be an imam. Are imams like ministers? Let me check google.
Okay, okay, Google says imams are Islamic ministers. A priest, an imam, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The priest says "I'll have a Chateau Lafite". The bartender is surprised, because priests usually don't have that kind of money. The imam says, "I'll have a..." Wait. Imams can't drink, can they? Let me tell a different one.
It's the French Revolution, and a priest, an imam, and a rabbi are going to be executed by guillotine. The executioner puts the priest's head in. The priest prays, and prays. The executioner pulls the cord, and nothing happens. It's a miracle. The crowd oohs, and ahhs, because God intervened to save the priest. The executioner has no choice but to let the priest go. The executioner shrugs, and puts the imam's head in. The imam calls out to Allah to save him. The executioner pulls the cord, and nothing happens. It's a miracle. the crowd oohs, and ahhs, even though Allah is a completely made-up god. The executioner has no choice but to let the imam go. Finally, the executioner puts the rabbi's head in. The rabbi looks up, and sees where the guillotine is sticking. He tells the executioner how to fix the guillotine so that it will work. The executioner is so grateful, he lets the rabbi go, and executes the priest and the imam.
You may think this is a sad story, but I think of it as one that explains how the Jews are catspaws for the state, and were responsible for all of the death and destruction of the French revolution. Which they were.
237: You totally told that one wrong. I heard it as taking place in the Spanish Civil War, and it was a firing squad, not a guillotine. And when the commander gave the order to fire, they were all shot dead and buried in an unmarked grave.
There's a flood, and this man gets stuck on the roof of his house as the water rises. And a RIB comes past with a couple of firemen, who offer to take him to dry ground. But he says "No, no, I have faith in God, God will save me."
And then a little later a helo comes over, and the winchman comes down and offers to lift him off the roof and take him to safety. But the man says "No, no, God will save me."
And, sure enough, the water rises further and the man is swept away and drowns.
When he comes face to face with God, he asks angrily: "Why didn't you save me?"
"WHO DO YOU THINK SENT THE FLOOD, ASSHOLE?" God replies.
I also heard that she's a giant slut.
That's OK Ben, most guys just leave her hanging on the tree.
most guys just leave her hanging on the tree
You're thinking of the giant sloth.
This is one of the best posts and threads we've had in a while.
229 is too close to "your mom's so shaggy, she's not that shaggy".
How many unfogged commenters does it take to change a light bulb?
One. Depending on the position of the light fixture a chair or stool might be required to reach it, and if they don't have light bulbs in their home they'll have to travel to a nearby store. If it's past business hours when they're attempting to change the light bulb and they don't have any, they may have to wait a while.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Attributing volition or intentionality to animals is generally problematic, even more so as regards the lower orders. We might infer that the chicken had a sensory perception that indicated the existence of food on the other side, or that it sensed danger on one side of the road and fled away from the direction of the threat. But in truth, the chicken's transversal of the road could well be a conditioned response over which the chicken was powerless, or it might have been an arbitrary, unpurposeful wandering. At best, we can state that the chicken did cross the road, and that a particular condition precedent existed, but we can draw no firm conclusions about causality.
242. You could even say that it's as good as something that's really good.
235: That would be *the* bitch to you, ginger boy.
"Do you have Prince Albert in a can?"
"Sorry, son, the law says tobacco products cannot be sold to children under 18. If I sold it to you, I could lose my license, or even go to jail."
So a pirate walks in to a bar with a ship's wheel sticking out of his pants. Bartender says "say, buddy, I don't mean to pry, but did you know you have a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
Pirate says "Arr! Of course I do! There was a terrible accident on board ship, and the doctors tell me it would be much to dangerous to remove the wheel from where it lodged, splintered end first, in my testicles. It's excruciatingly painful, to be honest, which is why I need a drink. I can see that it could seem humorous, like the wheel is somehow steering some piece of my anatomy, but to be frankly honest it's making me crazy and I'd prefer you dropped the subject."
Rudy gestures to John's dick and then to his own. "You see, John's in dis pear and I'm fucking dis custid."
If I knew it was going to be that kind of party, I probably wouldn't have attended.
a joke
so two convicts are talking about their jail terms
-you got xx yrs, for what?
-i threw away (it's a synonymous verb for divorce) my wife
- really, i did 5 times and got only y
- which floor?
Q: What do you get if you cross a mountain climber and a mosquito?
A: You fool, you can't cross a scaler and a vector.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into the bar. You'd think one of them would have ducked.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender stops them and asks, crossly, 'What is this, some kind of joke?'
So, Noah lands his ark and tells all the animals to go forth and multiply.
A few months later, Noah's walking the rounds and sees two very forlorn looking snakes with no baby snakes around. He asks them, 'What's up with this? I thought I told you to go forth and multiply?' The snakes reply, 'But we don't know how to multiply, we're adders.'
*wait for it*
Noah isn't very happy with this answer, but there's nothing he can really do, so he walks on.
A few months later, he's walking the rounds again and when he comes to the spot where he met the adders the first time, now there's a big log cabin. He walks in and there's log furniture and a log cradle full of baby snakes. He looks, astounded, at the adder parents and asks, 'What is this?' The adders, looking smug, say, 'Well, we're adders, so we need logs to multiply.'
The phone rings in the butcher shop. Caller asks "Do you have turkey legs?"
"Yes, yes, I do," replies the butcher.
"And do you have duck breasts?"
"Yes."
"And do you have pigs' feet?"
"Yes."
"What about a calf's head?"
"Yes, I have one of those as well."
The caller says, "My, it sure is unusual to encounter a butcher shop with such a wide selection nowadays. I will stop by in a few minutes to purchase all of these items."
so a bear was chasing a hare
he got tired and sighs: good thing it's not opposite
257 is in violation of somethingorother.
253 could work in English with some variant of "threw him out of the house".