I challenge any of you to invent a better fake police report than this:

McCormic had described her infant son as having a mohawk, a single tooth and a fake tattoo. She told reporters his name was Riley Buchness and that she had left him with a nanny who had a French accent and a gap between her teeth.

Science has long established that eggplant is the most meat of the vegetables, while conversely, fish is the most vegetable of the meats. But it has only now come to light that spinach is the most Kleenex of the vegetables.

In other news, I will shower with affection, in the lewdest way I can muster, the first person who sends me a picture of themselves wearing one of these.

The airport is delightfully empty; everything is on time and relaxed. Travelling on Christmas day is the absolute best. I want to marry travelling on Christmas.

I continue to be boggled by the inability of children to figure out The Santa Thing among themselves. Certainly, at least one of them has ready internet access.

Let's go, Generation Tomorrow! And when you're done with that conversation, I have a funny story to tell you about The Tooth Fairy.

In other news: my Chicago relatives were glum about the economy in our (exceedingly long, talk-to-everyone) phone call, what with all the layoffs. Oh, and I got to use the word "fucked" with my grandma, and she countered with a good midwestern "shit on, ya know? just shit on?". So that was nice.

Four full hours of music will be broadcast tomorrow for your holiday delectation under the rubric "Songs, Drones, and Refrains of Death"! It will begin at 2pm pacific, and end at 6pm pacific (four hours later, that is), and be broadcast not only "on the air" but also "through the nets" at kzsu's nifty web thingy. The playlist will be accessible here during the show and after, too.

Just look at this list of only some of the amazing bands slash musicians you will be able to hear: The The; KTL; Dead Raven Choir (the maximum legal amount!!); Radu Malfatti, Phil Durrant, and Thomas Lehn; Death; Deathprod; George Crumb; Peter Walker; Thomas Tallis; Wrnrld [actually Wrnlrd]; Graham Lambkin; Richard Thompson, and more!

Not included: Sol Invictus' "Black Easter", even though I told mike d that it would be. I give it to you thiswise in recompense.

Bumped with/by Stanley's permission/request.

I was at a small holiday gathering tonight. We played Cranium. I really don't enjoy that game. It just seems, I don't know, not very fun, which is admittedly not a helpful or descriptive indictment, but there it is.

I do like Scrabble. And Monopoly. Trivial Pursuit can be fun, if long. Risk, I'll play, given ample advance notice to block off four hours of time. Chess, too, but I'm thinking group activities here.

My go-to is homemade Apples to Apples, wherein you just have everyone submit, say, ten nouns adjectives and thirty or forty adjectives nouns, and then play by the rules. Hilarity ensues, almost without exception.

Oh, also: I was ready to have a go at an Exquisite Corpse game tonight, but everyone got tired. I've never done one and am curious as to how, specifically, one might give the ground rules.

I try to hate Christmas, and indeed - hating the songs comes easily to me. (I've got a knack!) But I get won over by spending time with family and being on vacation and end up feeling jolly. (But let's just not call it Christmas.)

But getting to one's family! Apparently the sunspots are conspiring with the airports to make this winter especially trying. (My mom told me to blame the cyclical low activity of the sunspots; I don't have a link.) Anyway, Cecily and I both got creamed, and it sounds like Not Prince Hamlet is bracing himself.

How's everyone's joy with airports this year?

Also, I'd be remiss if I didn't throw a plug for JP Stormcrow's wish that we all wax hypothetically about What Was Avoided by not electing McCain/Palin. (I'm finding that my rosy-colored brain is creating revisionist memories, and it's getting harder to remember that they felt enough like contenders to keep us unglued. It's seeming weirder and weirder to recall what it felt like to contemplate Palin having a say in our future. Like, did I really believe we could elect them? At times, at times. But once the market crashed, I personally felt pretty good for the last month.)

I'm as grinchy and grumpy as they come with regards to Christmas, but boy howdy do I have a soft spot for "Silver Bells" played with actual silver bells. I admit it's a moral failing.

Also bad: I really like "Silent Night" sung really slowly, which, like, dude, I don't even believe that shit happened. But it's so lovely to listen to.

Have a terrible Christmas.

I'll post tomorrow, I promise. Everyone else is going skiing, and I'll be sitting around the in-laws' house by myself and I'll want conversation. If you've got great ideas for post topics, feel free to e-mail me. (Don't use any hyphen in my name, just run it together; at unfogged.com.)

For now though, I'm going to go play Wii.

UPDATE: Just got a call from Bave and Ben and they're both so tired they can't stay awake through breakfast. Who besides AWB, B&B, and me were going?

-----

W-lfs-n and Bave Dee and possibly AWB have decided to go on some kind of crazy/ridiculous solstice walk that involves hiking around NYC in the cold and snow from sunset on Saturday until sunrise on Sunday, inspired by Washerdreyer in comments.

Which brings me to point number 2 - I'm randomly in New York this weekend, too! Ben and Bave and AWB and me are planning on getting together for a bleary-eyed breakfast post-solstice walk on Sunday morning to talk about their crazy adventures and we'd love it if any of you could join us. Because you all want to get up super early for breakfast on Sunday, right?

The route for this walk is a secret so they have no idea where they're going to be come sunrise so we're picking a semi-central location and giving them some travel time to get there from wherever they're at.

So! Veselka at 9 AM on Sunday for anyone who's awesome enough to wake up at the crack of dawn, or badass enough to party all night. Who's in?