Had a busy end of week before Christmas, including overtime, but got the whole Christmas weekend off and a relatively light week ahead.

Christmas was strange-- it's been getting smaller since we've been driving down Christmas morning instead of driving to share Christmas eve with my aunt, and this year no drive at all. Late package deliveries meant a lot of IOUs Christmas morning; it just doubles down on 2020 being a skip year. Hopefully next year will have birthdays, holidays and events worth celebrating.

I've been alternating between #pencecard twitter and hilariabaldwin twitter. That we haven't been destroyed in a flood is proof that there is no God.

He promised not to again.

With specificity that is kind of alarming.

Won't kill everybody with a flood. Kill everybody with something besides a flood, fine. Kill not quite everybody with a flood, fine.

I saw a picture of somebody with a "God sent Trump because He was out of locusts" sticker.

Apparently God can really be swayed by the sweet smell of roasting meat, per Genesis 8:21 (before the covenant in 9).

Per Genesis 4:5, on the other hand, grilling some corn or a portobello mushroom pleases God not at all, with terrible consequences.

Turns out making Bailey's-style Irish cream at home is incredibly easy. (Homemade Rumchata, on the other hand, was kind of a pain in the ass to make, and also not all that great. Later this week I'll make eggnog. I'm trying to see if I can get more than 50% of my daily calories via alcoholic beverages.)

Reposted from the other thread:

A few days ago I got a notice from the electric company here that they were going to shut my power off due to non payment. I contacted the super as they are supposed to be responsible for paying all the utilities. My first contract here they were responsible for utilities but I had to pay anything over 250 a month. My subsequent contracts (effected as addenda to the first) have utilities all inclusive with that specific language. So yesterday the super contacts me and insists I pay the overage and that the terms of the original contract are still in force. I said that was outrageous and noted the specific "all inclusive" language whose meaning is plain as day and that I wouldn't be paying it. And that they are going to lose a good tenant over what probably amounts to no more than a couple of hundred (rent here is 6,750) He kept insisting and I kept resisting till he finally said he will speak to the manager. Nothing since. He tried this last year too, unsuccessfully. I'm half suspicious that he's scamming me. If he does get back to me I'm going to insist on an official email from the manager or even his boss. Do not fuck with a NYer in matters of rent.

I need some perspective on a question that's bothering me. So, I enjoy sending out a holiday card each year. Hawaii is now in 6th grade, and is fairly high-strung about curating her image and looks. Entirely developmentally appropriate, though on the high anxiety side of what's normal.

Twice early on, she asked if she could create our holiday card this year, and I said of course not. But I suspected early on that nothing would feel okay to her, because ultimately it was out of her control.

I let her see the final product yesterday, after I'd already paid for printing, because I did not want it to be a joint collaborative process. And she did in fact get very upset about which photos I chose.

I feel incredibly bad - and maybe disproportionately bad - because this raises all sorts of questions about how I blog their lives. I love keeping a personal blog and want to continue, and I don't ever expect it to be discovered, and even if it never gets exposed, the blog might be a horrible mistake. (I do plan on sharing it with them when they're adults.) I'm not ready to think about that, but it's clouding my perspective on the holiday card.

So: for a physical, paper holiday card with limited circulation to friends and families of the parents, and if the parents make a good faith effort to portray their children in a flattering light and not make jokes at their expense or anything, is it okay for children to not get a say in the design process or a veto vote?

The photo that she's most disturbed about is one of my favorite photos in the world, and she doesn't like what she's wearing in it. But I suspect that if I replaced that photo - which I WON'T - she would move onto the next issue, because it's also about control of the entire vibe of the card.

10: nice work!

You know, you keeping control over the card seems fine to me: it's one ritualized socially ordinary thing a year, it's fully disclosed, she can suck it up. If she really feels that way about her image, though, I'd be thinking hard about pictures of her on your blog. I don't know what your readership is, but your blog is great, and I wouldn't be surprised if you've got at least hundreds of strangers to her looking at pictures of her every week -- that seems like the kind of thing she might reasonably be pretty unhappy about if she knew.

Newt really really dislikes that pictures of him exist, and would be livid if I were social-mediaing them pretty much at all. (Despite the fact that he's super cute these days -- I would be delighted to show off how stalwart and handsome my baby is as a college sophomore.)

11. You knew the situation and you understood the likely consequences of your behavior. You should have thought this out more thoroughly in advance and not had kids.

13: Thanks, I appreciate you weighing in.

I am concerned about the blog, it's true. My readership is tiny - like ~30-50 people, but I would have a hard time forcing myself to do it if it were strictly an offline endeavor. And I'd feel sad if I didn't keep it up. Right now I have it suppressed in search engines as well, so it is a little hard to find.

I could take the archives of it down, however, and just preserve those on the back end. Then eventually when I come clean, I could honestly say that once the eldest reached puberty, it was kept roughly current, and there were not old embarrassing stories that might be discovered.

I'd be sad if you stopped too -- I really enjoy your blog and I feel as if I know your kids through it. Taking down the archives sounds like a good idea, though, in terms of how Hawaii might feel about it.

(Newt completely acts as if the camera is going to steal his soul. So irritating.)

I think a fair middle ground would be to have the blog password-protected. You clearly make an effort to present your kids kindly and lovingly, but it's still very personal, and they might appreciate not having it publicly accessible.

Crap. I haven't sent any cards yet.

My old card company went out of business, and when I was browsing, I just couldn't find any designs that I could stand. So I switched over to a letter format, and it felt immediately more natural, and the letter reads like a very short, sanitized blog post, which feels like my wheelhouse.

I'm taking yesterday, today, and tomorrow off. Coupled with the holiday it's my longest vacation all year. (We had a big trip planned to Japan in April, and that obviously didn't happen, and after that I was using my PTO almost as fast as I got it for childcare and/or saving it just in case of a disaster.) It's relaxing, but maybe not as relaxing as a slow workday when the kid isn't around.

I logged on briefly this morning, though. Apparently there is/was some chance to get the vaccine through my office today or tomorrow. Given that it's now noon and I haven't heard anything, I probably was too late or just wasn't lucky enough to make the cut. It was an interesting prospect to contemplate while it lasted.

How would that have worked? That is, is there something about your office that makes vaccinating you first make sense, or would it have been fluky/corrupt?

I'm in talks for a potential good new job, but wondering how to manage vacation time. Specifically, I have the maximum possible accrued vacation time where I am now, 7.5 weeks, and normally I could make it a nice long break between jobs, but when I change jobs will be during the pandemic. Maybe I cash out the vacation (which I can do, I checked), put that money aside, and negotiate to start the new job with the equivalent amount of unpaid leave, so I can do some proper travel with it when it's safe to do so. I don't know if they'll consider that a ridiculous notion, though.

If I get/got it, I'd call it fluky. I have no idea how good my odds were. I'm told there are 650 doses available to my division of this government agency. I haven't been told how many total people would be competing for that pool in addition to me or how they're deciding who gets them. But one factor is shelf life, so first come first serve being a partial consideration isn't totally crazy.

Sympathies on the teen conflict, Heebie.

To 8. Grilled corn is fantastic. Put your peeled ears into a plastic bag. Add lime juice, oil, and celery salt, alternately oil and mojo criollo. manipulate around so everyone gets coated. Grill quickly, put them down when your steaks or kabobs are 3/4 done.

That sounds kind of raw.

We just use butter and salt, but it takes as longer than a steak.

Do you use those sodden lumps of sawdust that do not burn hot on your grill? I am a pit-of-hellfire type guy. Lump wood charcoal for me. Also, corn on the cob only when it's locally fresh. Nationally distributed corn from god knows where, yeah probably longer.

Yours in cooking snobbery, also toast and grind any edible seeds yourself, dry over canned beans basically always. Otherwise lackadaisickal cooking with a few ingredients in kind of a hurry works out fine.

Lourdes and the Lord of Genesis have very strikingly dissimilar food preferences, tempers, etc.

I use propane and propane accessories. I'm too close to neighbors for a fire.

Twice early on, she asked if she could create our holiday card this year, and I said of course not.

I'm curious: Why not? Why of course not? My instinctive reaction would be the reverse (while retaining the right to a veto).

If you're offered the vaccine you should just take it. We need everyone to be vaccinated and wasting time to try to rearrange it to someone else more deserving is just going to slow down the whole process.

Por que no los dos? Have you considered sending two cards, yours and hers? More holiday participation, everyone loves kid work, or they'll skip one of the cards.

First sentence of 32 obviously in an exaggerated accent, "th" for "s" the whole thing.

31: We had a huge problem where the people who were up in the morning logged on and got it, and the ICU docs on COVID units were coming off of night shift and lost the slots. Some of those people should have waited.

30: because I also have strong opinions about how to represent our family and what looks fresh and professional coming from a 6th grader looks profoundly conventional and basic coming from an adult. (Read as this sixth grader/this adult.)

So, a mutual friend contacted me via Facebook and asked me to call her about my sister-in-law. She confirmed our worst fears that my SIL is being hit by her husband. To make matters worse, SIL and her husband picked up the family and moved across the country a few months ago. The POS was arrested this afternoon, so she is safe for now. But what happens when he gets out. How do we persuade her to get out of there? What do we do if she wants to stay? (There are children involved.)

Wait. Is the abuser your brother or your spouse's brother.

The abuser is married to my spouse's sister.

I don't know why that matters. Maybe I'm too focused on how to define some problem as something where my wife should make the decision so I don't have to?

Yikes. How close are you and your spouse with the SIL? I mean, I think all you can do right now is assess the situation -- is she planning on splitting up with him or not? If yes, you start figuring out what you can practically do to help (that you're reasonably willing to do). If no, it all depends on what she's thinking and why.

oh god, what a nightmare. Things that occur to me: get her to call the local women's shelter and talk to an expert about a plan to leave, so that she has thought a bit about having a plan on hand. And get her to set up a secret bank account to start squirreling away money. A thing women do is add Visa gift cards to the grocery shopping to milk money slowly away from a controlling spouse. If they moved for his job, is she employed? with kids?

oh, yes on kids.

Ugh. Went through something somewhat similar, but it's been 25 years or so ago. I think what did the trick there was getting our friend and her child here for a visit and then working with her on not going back. Her then-husband was also a friend, but was going through a very dark patch at the time.

43: That's definitely my immediate goal. The POS has put a lot of effort into putting distance (literal and figurative) between her and her family. She was my friend before I got together with her brother, but she and her brother have had a difficult relationship for awhile. (They're both difficult, but I love them both.) Her older daughter is with the first husband in yet another distant corner of the country for winter break. But she has a flight back in a few days.

41: She is employed and her job is actually based here, not there. She's working remotely. He's an alcoholic. formerly recovering, but now apparently not so much.

FWIW, even if he's a POS, she doesn't necessarily have to accept that. She just has to accept that she's not going to fix what he's dealing with and it's dangerous to try.

Thanks. That is a good point to remember.

Does the first husband know? Can he get an emergency hearing to not send the kid back?

OMG, you guys. My beloved aunt told me years ago that her favorite kind of shoes - aerosole caricature - was no longer made and she missed them, so I set up an ebay alert. She has a very small, hard to find size in shoes, and so for years nothing popped up in her size - until today. She's had SUCH a hard time this year - recently widowed, isolated - and she's such a wonderful amazing person, and I'm so pleased to give her the exact best gift that she might want. (She texted back that she feels very cherished.)

49 That's great!

But, the name of the shoes?

They're very cute old lady shoes.

I mean, for an old lady. Not twee for me.

It sounds like a cute name for trademark infringement.

Actually, I can't really say that I'm particularly twee anymore. I sure had my moments in my 20s though.

48: I am fairly certain he does not. I have gone back and forth about giving him an anonymous heads-up. On the one hand, he probably has a right to know in so far as it affects his kid. On the other hand, they are not especially civil and I don't want to compound the turmoil she's going through. Also fear that if she feels betrayed by someone telling him she may be more reluctant to leave. I know there are no easy answers. I just want her and the kids to be safe and I feel so incredibly powerless to help.

49 is absolutely wonderful, on the other hand,. Literally the perfect gift: something she truly wants *and* something that demonstrates that that you listen to and think about her.

My parents in-law reportedly spoke to her today and say she seemed fine, everything is fine. They claimed not to know if the abuser is home, which makes me think they know he is home. With my friend and my pre-K niece. They think it's all okay now, let's wait and see.

I've texted, and all I get is "Doing good, thanks." I am worried he's got her phone and it's not her responding at all. Her other brother texted with her last night and she seemed pissed that we know and wanted to know exactly how much he knew. Adding to my fear that she is not the one texting.

She's going end up staying with him because her parents have sent the message that this is okay and maybe he'll get better. I am livid and scared and shattered and basically all the emotions.

Oh gosh. I'm so sorry.

How's your spouse reacting? Not so much that you can push off responsibility on them, but they're going to have a better read on whether they're actually communicating with their sister.

CF, I am so terribly sorry. I am not sure there is anything you can do without any way to communicate privately. Have you considered calling a domestic violence hotline yourself? I know they will give advice to friends and family. Do you think maybe her work email is still private? I would assume her personal one isn't and any conversations probably are not as well. I'd guess that calls would be on speakerphone and emails and texts are being read. Speak no evil about her spouse. Innocuous subjects, but keep calling or writing. If you are lucky enough to communicate privately with her, I recommend the following message: "When you are ready, we will help you. We'll make sure the pets are safe and you and your children have money and a place to stay. We will be there as soon as you call." (Whatever that means for you - getting on a plane, wiring money, whatever you are willing to do.)

Obviously, there's more and better advice out there in the world for her, but for you? Consistent, unwavering support and respect. Leaving takes some people a vary long time and many tries. Muster all your patience. Start making your plan, including planning for disappointment if the first break doesn't stick.

60: He is irate at their parents' lack of concern and vacillating between thinking they are terrible people and thinking maybe they just don't understand domestic violence. He's had an occasion or two in the not too distant past where he strongly suspected the husband was controlling his sister's phone. He's also a mandatory reporter and now feels he needs to call tge help line to sort out what obligations he has regarding domestic violence in another state.

Yeah, I see the error with "vary" now, of course, but what else did I mess up? I swear, the more I type in a day, the less I can see mistakes. Maybe I use up all my efforts at pretending I'm literate in work emails.

61: Thank you! I found her work email and sent a note suggesting she bring the kids and stay with us a but to let things settle down and give each other space. We'll see...